# Question for Gay Dopers: How do gay people meet other gays? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 18, 2002, 8:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-gay-dopers-how-do-gay-people-meet-other-gays/114667 "2002-06-18T08:16:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 5\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Flamsterette\_X](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/41988e/32.png) [@Flamsterette\_X](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flamsterette_X)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2002, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-gay-dopers-how-do-gay-people-meet-other-gays/114667/41 "2002-06-19T04:41:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Gorgon Heap \* > \*\*I’m going to take a breath here and say to **Flam-X** (like the irony?) not to worry. > > You seem to be really on the defensive here. Nobody is mad at you or getting insulted. It just seems to the rest of us that as far as the subject goes you seem a little, well, naive. > > As far as putting them off, well, f’neh! I’ve been hit on by many more guys than women and I’m not buggin’. > > [sub]And I know he’s taken, but isn’t **DrMatrix** just the cutest little thing? Tee-hee.[/sub] \*\* **Gorgon** , I have self-esteem issues, and having to deal with someone in my life who makes me very jumpy will make me defensive. I’m sorry, but that’s the way it is. (I have to cover each step I take, and make sure nobody’s pissed off at me, as far as I can tell) I sincerely don’t want to insult anyone or make them mad at me, so I have to explain myself at every turn. Not saying I like doing it, but if the alternative is having everyone mad at me over some slight or other that I didn’t even mean maliciously in the first place, then I’d rather explain everything to the best of my ability. I feel like I have to explain myself, otherwise the issue will go unresolved, and the person might be forever insulted or something. Doesn’t make sense, I know. But when you have these issues surrounding your self-esteem and wanting to please people, then that’s how it is, at least for me. As for my naivete, I admit I don’t know much, and am simply curious. I know nobody asked for a reason, but I shall give you one: I wish to know these things so I can better acquaint myself with a part of society that I am clueless about. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Esprix \* > \*\*I have a question - why wasn’t this posted in ATGG? ☹ > > Esprix\*\* Sorry, **Esprix**. At the time I posted this, it was getting rather late. I honestly didn’t think of it until later on. (like at around 10:30 this morning) By that time, it was too late, of course. Besides, I didn’t know your “Gay Guy” thread was **that** desperate for a bump out of nowhere. 😉 (that was a joke, in case you didn’t get it) > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Charmian \* > \*\*Just so something is a little more clear, “being gay” is rarely a topic of discussion. I’m Spanish too, but I can’t remember when the last time that ever came into a discussion. If you chat with a person in a bar, what do you usually talk about? It’s no different for the queer community. > > I think that something you may find helpful is not to enumerate the difference (or the difference that you are pre-supposing), but rather the similarities. I find very few differences between gay bars and straight bars. > > The only real difference that you’ll see in a gay bar are: > > a) The men have much better clothes and haircuts > b) When couples dance, it’s not boy-girl, boy-girl\*\* I have no idea what the topic of discussion would be in a gay bar, so please forgive my ignorance, on the subject. Then again, I have no idea what the subject of discussion would be in a straight bar, either. (yep, folks, that’s right… you have just met perhaps the only 25-year-old in Canada that has never been to a bar or club :eek:) I’m trying not to focus on the differences, really. 🙂 Thanks for the information, though. I’m sure it will come in handy one day. 🙂 (or not, but I’m richer for it, right?) About the men having a better sense of fashion, that was what I was going to say to my brother and his friends, but didn’t. Wasn’t sure whether it was true or not. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by QueenAl \* > \*\*Flamsterette, I’m not sure why you’re so worried about going to a gay club! You’re not gay, you don’t have any gay friends, so don’t go to a gay club! This may sound like reverse prejudice, but while (in my social circle, at least) straight people are welcome to come along as friends sometimes, it’s a bit annoying when too many straight people come in and take over. > > If you don’t want to be hit on, in a straight bar or a gay bar, just don’t make too much eye contact, flirt or give any indication that you’re interested. Unless you look like Angelina Jolie, you are not going to have hordes of horny women throwing themselves at you.\*\* I can understand why it would be annoying for lots of straight people to take over a gay club, and that would not be my purpose in going to one. Personally, I don’t think I would go to one, just because I’m not gay or have any gay friends. (like you said) But in the event that I do make some gay friends, and I’m invited to go clubbing with them, I want to know what to expect. Oh, and I absolutely did _not_ have the image of a gay bar in my head as somewhere that horny women throw themselves at any woman that walks in the place! 🙂 And no, I definitely do NOT look like Angelina Jolie! (far from it) > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Esprix \* > \*\*How do you know if someone else is gay? Again, much like what others here have said - there’s no foolproof method, but “vibes” can work really well if you’re open to them. Eye contact held a second longer than usual, a lingering handshake, body language, conversation topics, what have you. How does a straight woman let a straight guy know she’s interested? How does that differ from when she’s just talking to a male friend? Everybody gives off clues for who they are and what they want - you just have to be keen to them. Think about it. > > Is there any way to prevent getting hit by someone of the same sex? Yes - don’t go to gay clubs. If you’re going to hang on our turf, get used to it or don’t go. Be polite, of course, but being obviously horrified, disgusted, uncomfortable or giggly is guaranteed to give you eyerolls and the cold shoulder, which defeats the purpose of going to a fun, friendly gay club in the first place. We don’t mind bringing our straight friends along, but for god’s sake, can’t you act gay in public like the rest of us? ;)\*\* I’m not sure how much of an openness thing I have for “vibes” and such. In fact, I don’t know much about the whole club/bar scene at all, as mentioned previously. Thanks for your insights; I appreciate them. 🙂 I’ll be sure to mention to my sister that she shouldn’t go to gay clubs if she doesn’t want to get hit on. (then again, her friend invited her, so I don’t know about that) Some people are better judges of body language and such than I am, so even if I weren’t obviously uncomfortable, etc. they might be able to tell. From what I’ve heard, gay bars are friendly… I remember that a local gay bar (Celebrities, if memory serves) even earned the dubious distinction in our local arts and entertainment weekly one year (in their “Best of Vancouver” yearly issue) as being both “the most straight-friendly gay bar” and “the most gay-friendly straight bar”! :eek: 😕 🆒 I’ve never had experience acting gay in public, **Esprix** … care to give me any pointers? 😉 F\_X ---
**Author:** ![John\_Kentzel-Griffin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ccd318/32.png) [@John\_Kentzel-Griffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Kentzel-Griffin)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2002, 11:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-gay-dopers-how-do-gay-people-meet-other-gays/114667/42 "2002-06-19T11:17:47Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Flamsterette\_X \* > > I’ve never had experience acting gay in public, **Esprix** … care to give me any pointers? 😉 > > F\_X I’m sure **Esprix** will have his own pointers, but I’d say: Just relax and don’t worry about “acting gay” (whatever that means). At some of the NYC DopeFests, we have gone to gay bars (and I’m sure _some_ of the Dopers are straight). Everything was cool. Basically: Dance if you wanna; don’t dance if you don’t wanna. Drink your beer and relax. ---
**Author:** ![Gorgon\_Heap](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f475e1/32.png) [@Gorgon\_Heap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gorgon_Heap)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2002, 12:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-gay-dopers-how-do-gay-people-meet-other-gays/114667/43 "2002-06-19T12:16:57Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by **DrMatrix** _ > At some of the NYC DopeFests, we have gone to gay bars (and I’m sure _some_ of the Dopers are straight). LOL!!! Glad I read this first thing in the morning, 'cause it really made my day! I think I remember **Superdude** saying something about being straight once, but I may have been drunk. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![EchoKitty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f4b2a3/32.png) [@EchoKitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EchoKitty)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2002, 1:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-gay-dopers-how-do-gay-people-meet-other-gays/114667/44 "2002-06-19T13:23:30Z")
One of the best times I’ve ever had was at a place called the Cove in Atlanta. It appeared to be a male gay bar, but little old female me had an absolute blast! The nice part about it is you don’t get hit on. The only downside was that one of the guys thought I was hitting on his boyfriend (NOT!). I had a great time! ---
**Author:** ![seawitch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a587f6/32.png) [@seawitch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/seawitch)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2002, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-gay-dopers-how-do-gay-people-meet-other-gays/114667/45 "2002-06-19T17:19:46Z")
[slight hijack] For those of you of any orientation who have mentioned how much easier it was to meet potential mates while you were at school; **Adult education.** It did wonders for my single days. Community colleges are often pretty cheap, and at worst you’d learn to speak Spanish, throw pottery, or develop your own photos. Best case, you meet a bunch of people with similar interests. And if you don’t particularly fancy your classmates, remember that they all have friends, brothers and sisters. Whee! [/end hijack] I’d also like to chime in on how much fun gay bars can be. Relax and enjoy! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-for-gay-dopers-how-do-gay-people-meet-other-gays/114667.md?page=2)