# Question re Jewish mourning customs **URL:** \ **Category:** Factual Questions\ **Created:** [April 27, 2007, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-re-jewish-mourning-customs/401864 "2007-04-27T14:34:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 9\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Northern\_Piper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/northern_piper/32/5304_2.png) [@Northern\_Piper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Northern_Piper)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2007, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-re-jewish-mourning-customs/401864/1 "2007-04-27T14:34:26Z")
I’ve got a question on Jewish mourning customs that I thought I’d post here, and hope a few people have a chance to respond before sun-down. The mother of a good friend died this week. At the service, the rabbi announced that the family would be sitting shiva (?spelling) until early next week. Is it customary/acceptable for friends of the family to visit them during this time, or is it mainly just for the family? Also, would it be okay to bring food, like a casserole or something? (In the small prairie town I grew up, the default was always to bring food when visting for condolences…) The family doesn’t keep strict kosher, but avoids pork. Thanks! ---
**Author:** ![cmkeller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmkeller/32/118_2.png) [@cmkeller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmkeller)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2007, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-re-jewish-mourning-customs/401864/2 "2007-04-27T14:37:14Z")
Absolutely visit them. That’s what shiva week is for - for mourners to receive comfort from any source that offers it. And there’s no reason not to bring them food. ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2007, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-re-jewish-mourning-customs/401864/3 "2007-04-27T16:35:38Z")
Absolutely, go. I’ve been to shivas for grandparents of friends, and even though I’d never met the deceased, I still came. They tend to be informal affairs. Sit, eat, chat, and just generally hang out. Oh, and when come, bring pie. ---
**Author:** ![Ike\_Witt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ike_witt/32/283_2.png) [@Ike\_Witt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ike_Witt)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2007, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-re-jewish-mourning-customs/401864/4 "2007-04-27T17:07:56Z")
Understand that the person in mourning will possibly look a little hagard and that the mirror in the house will likely be covered. Also, and I may be wrong with this one, the person who is mourning might not speak until spoken to. ---
**Author:** ![Hari\_Seldon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hari_seldon/32/5173_2.png) [@Hari\_Seldon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hari_Seldon)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2007, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-re-jewish-mourning-customs/401864/5 "2007-04-27T18:59:16Z")
I don’t know if this custom is still observed, but when I was younger, the door was left unlocked and you walked in to the house without knocking or ringing the doorbell. Otherwise, just follow the tone of what you find. I recall that when my 41 year old uncle died over 60 years ago (I was 8), the women were in my grandmother’s living room being mournful, while all the men in the family were in the dining room playing pinochle and having a great old time. ---
**Author:** ![filmyak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/94ad74/32.png) [@filmyak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/filmyak)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2007, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-re-jewish-mourning-customs/401864/6 "2007-04-27T22:37:56Z")
[QUOTE=adam yax] Also, and I may be wrong with this one, the person who is mourning might not speak until spoken to. [/QUOTE] It’s been years since I gave up the faith and moved into the atheism check box on the census, but IIRC, it’s backwards. In other words, don’t speak to the mourners unless they speak to you first. The idea being, if they don’t feel like talking, they can stay quiet. If you talk to them first, they may feel obligated to speak back, even if they’d rather sit quietly and reflect. ---
**Author:** ![Gfactor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9de053/32.png) [@Gfactor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gfactor)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2007, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-re-jewish-mourning-customs/401864/7 "2007-04-27T22:45:04Z")
> [@](#): > > Enter the living room with the friend or family member who met you at the door. Wait for the mourner to speak before you say anything. After that, a simple “I’m sorry,” accompanied by a hug or a firm handshake is all you need to say from a good article here: [http://www.ehow.com/how\_12302\_pay-shiva-call.html](http://www.ehow.com/how_12302_pay-shiva-call.html) _and see_, [http://www.aish.com/literacy/lifecycle/The\_Stages\_of\_Jewish\_Mourning.asp#shivacall](http://www.aish.com/literacy/lifecycle/The_Stages_of_Jewish_Mourning.asp#shivacall) ---
**Author:** ![GingerOfTheNorth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/cdc98d/32.png) [@GingerOfTheNorth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GingerOfTheNorth)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2007, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-re-jewish-mourning-customs/401864/8 "2007-04-27T23:33:09Z")
Do not be surprised if the principle mourner is sitting on a little stool close to the ground. They may also not be wearing shoes, and you may be asked to wash your hands before entering the house. ---
**Author:** ![Helen\_s\_Eidolon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/8edcca/32.png) [@Helen\_s\_Eidolon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helen_s_Eidolon)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2007, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/question-re-jewish-mourning-customs/401864/9 "2007-04-28T00:41:59Z")
I don’t know how observant this family is, but mine is pretty secular. Absolutely go - that’s what shivas are for. All sorts of friends and family come over and hang out, eat and drink. People often bring food or order food to be catered. It’s a period of transition, in which the mourners are supported by their friends. It’s often not even terribly somber - sure, there’ll be some crying here and there, but there’s also a lot of catching up, seeing old friends, laughing and appreciating the people who come to visit. I had no idea the mourners had to talk first. I don’t think this is something more secular people hold to.