# Questions about etiquette at a wake **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 11, 2004, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/questions-about-etiquette-at-a-wake/223915 "2004-01-11T02:53:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![jackelope](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a6a055/32.png) [@jackelope](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jackelope)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2004, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/questions-about-etiquette-at-a-wake/223915/1 "2004-01-11T02:53:56Z")
A friend of mine died suddenly this past Tuesday, and I’m going to the wake tomorrow. I’ve never attended a wake, though, and I’ve got a couple of questions: First, dress code: What’s appropriate? Suit-and-tie or sweater-and-trousers? (The wake is being held in the neighborhood bar where he worked, and will probably be attended mostly by people who knew him from the bar, as he had no family.) Second: I’m pretty sure about this, but someone please reassure me: “Wake” does _not_ mean “viewing,” right? Thanks in advance. ---
**Author:** ![quiltguy154](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/ad7895/32.png) [@quiltguy154](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/quiltguy154)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2004, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/questions-about-etiquette-at-a-wake/223915/2 "2004-01-11T03:18:12Z")
Sounds like a casual crowd, dark sweater and appropriate dress trousers will be fine. Most wakes that I’ve attended lately[I do volunteer work at a nursing home, believe me, I go to a bunch of ‘em] are not the dressy affairs from years ago. When I go it’s always in a suit and tie. Sometimes I’m the only one dressed like that, with the exception of the deceased’s immediate family. A wake, to me, means the body is on display. Are you squeamish about it? If so, make the obligatory short stand by the coffin with a friend or acquaintance, looking appropriately somber, then move on. Since there won’t be a receiving line of blood relatives, you’ll be outta’ there before the _icks_ set in. Be glad that sin eating has gone out of style! ---
**Author:** ![jackelope](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a6a055/32.png) [@jackelope](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jackelope)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2004, 3:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/questions-about-etiquette-at-a-wake/223915/3 "2004-01-11T03:28:37Z")
Thanks, **quiltguy154**. I’m not particularly squeamish about the body being on display, but it’s hard for me to imagine that it will, since it’s a pot-luck dinner as well; we were all asked to bring a covered dish of some kind, and I’m having a hard time with the idea of eating in the same room with the body. (I’m planning to make eggplant Parmesan.) Maybe “memorial” would be a better term for it than “wake” in this case. What’s “sin eating”? ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2004, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/questions-about-etiquette-at-a-wake/223915/4 "2004-01-11T03:36:04Z")
[An interesting look at wake customs of the Old South.](http://xroads.virginia.edu/~UG97/albion/adeath.html) When I was a child, a wake always meant that either the body was there or, most usually, a table with pictures, memorabilia, the urn (if cremated), and a book to write in. Creeped me out as a six yr old when I learned what was in the urn. Now, people seem to use wake to mean a memorial, often including food. Kind of like a survivors shower. See _Live and Let Die_ for a proper Creole wake. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![DaisyFace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/848f3c/32.png) [@DaisyFace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DaisyFace)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2004, 4:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/questions-about-etiquette-at-a-wake/223915/5 "2004-01-11T04:13:10Z")
If this event is before the funeral or official memorial service has been held, then it’s a “wake” and the body will likely be on display (although I’m not sure how they’ll do that in a bar - health codes and all). If the services have already passed, this is really more a “memorial”. ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2004, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/questions-about-etiquette-at-a-wake/223915/6 "2004-01-11T04:32:55Z")
Don’t double dip. ---
**Author:** ![Horseflesh](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horseflesh/32/7502_2.png) [@Horseflesh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horseflesh)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2004, 5:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/questions-about-etiquette-at-a-wake/223915/7 "2004-01-11T05:18:18Z")
I always thought the wake was after the funeral, when everybody goes to to a family member of the deceased’s house for a meal or snacks and general mingling with the family. Around here (at least in my circle) the viewing of the body is at a funeral home the day before the funeral. And don’t do what they did in _Clerks_. ---
**Author:** ![Stratocaster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stratocaster/32/16393_2.png) [@Stratocaster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stratocaster)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2004, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/questions-about-etiquette-at-a-wake/223915/8 "2004-01-11T14:00:05Z")
Hmm. Where I grew up in Philadelphia, “wake” and “viewing” are synonyms, and both mean having the body on display at a funeral home where people come to pay their respects to the family. It’s generally the day before the funeral, though sometimes people have a viewing with the funeral immediately following, same day. Sweater with nice trousers, nice shoes, is acceptable in my circle (which has also been know to spend some time in bars). ---
**Author:** ![sunfish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/96bed5/32.png) [@sunfish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sunfish)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2004, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/questions-about-etiquette-at-a-wake/223915/9 "2004-01-11T15:04:28Z")
Maybe a bit late at this point, but… If the get-together is being held at a bar, I find it hard to believe that the body would be there (for health reasons if nothing else). Sounds more like a memorial service to me, in which case casual but neat dress will be fine. Like **Stratocaster,** for me a “wake” or a “viewing” comes before the funeral and is held in a funeral home. In my neck of the woods, it’s not uncommon for the deceased to be waked for 2 days if they had lots of family and friends (afternoon and evening viewings both). The final viewing on the day of the funeral is meant for immediate family only. After the funeral, friends would come by to spend time with the family and have a bite to eat. In a couple of instances, I’ve gone to a restaurant for the after-funeral get-together - it really just depends on what the family is up to dealing with. ---
**Author:** ![StGermain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stgermain/32/2868_2.png) [@StGermain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StGermain)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2004, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/questions-about-etiquette-at-a-wake/223915/10 "2004-01-11T16:29:50Z")
For me, too, a wake is where the body is present. It’s not always a somber event, though. Done roperly it should be a celebraton of the person’s life, not the mourning of their passing. StG ---
**Author:** ![Billdo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/billdo/32/315_2.png) [@Billdo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Billdo)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2004, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/questions-about-etiquette-at-a-wake/223915/11 "2004-01-11T17:12:04Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Horseflesh \* > I always thought the wake was after the funeral, when everybody goes to to a fa[ily member of the deceased’s house for a meal or snacks and general mingling with the family. You may be thinking of the Jewish custom of the _Shiva_. In the Jewish tradition, the funeral is held and body is buried as soon as possible (the day after death, if feasable). After the funeral, the immediate family begins a 7 day mourning period known as _sitting Shiva_, during which they will stay at home and refrain from their normal activities. While the family is sitting, it is customary to visit them, an activitiy known as a _Shiva call_, where gifts of food for the family are traditional. Most often, the first _Shiva_ visits are are when the mourners from the funeral return with the family. Less than fully observant Jews will often sit for fewer than seven days (and certain holidays can interrupt _Shiva_), so it is important to know when a family is receiving. ---
**Author:** ![jackelope](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a6a055/32.png) [@jackelope](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jackelope)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2004, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/questions-about-etiquette-at-a-wake/223915/12 "2004-01-11T19:31:03Z")
Good replies here, all; thanks for the information. The more I think about it, I suspect that this isn’t going to be a viewing, simply because it’s in an establishment where food is prepared. There’s got to be something in the health codes about that. Most likely, the invitation was written in haste and used the term “wake” just to mean a memorial get-together. His favorite musician is going to play, and there will be much drinking and eating and telling stories about Dennis. Anyway, I’m off to the grocery store so I can start cooking. Thanks again for all the help. ---
**Author:** ![GorillaMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/50afbb/32.png) [@GorillaMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GorillaMan)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2004, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/questions-about-etiquette-at-a-wake/223915/13 "2004-01-11T20:15:03Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by sunfish \* > \*\*If the get-together is being held at a bar, I find it hard to believe that the body would be there (for health reasons if nothing else). \*\* We didn’t quite do this at my Grandad’s funeral - but we did park the hearse (including coffin) on the no-parking area outside a pub while we had lunch. But that was in Ireland, where everything’s done with a sense of huhmour 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![ftg](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ftg/32/2801_2.png) [@ftg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ftg)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2004, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/questions-about-etiquette-at-a-wake/223915/14 "2004-01-11T21:14:22Z")
I too, have only heard of “wake” to describe the post funeral get together. “Wake” means “after”! If there’s a body at a wake, it means that it’s time for another funeral. ---
**Author:** ![Celyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9dc877/32.png) [@Celyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Celyn)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2004, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/questions-about-etiquette-at-a-wake/223915/15 "2004-01-11T21:54:18Z")
Etiquette = don’t throw whisky at the body. Or, then again, perhaps that coudl be a wise thing to do, \*a la “Finnegan’s Wake”. 🙂 > **[The Celtic Lyrics Collection - Lyrics - Finnegans Wake](https://celtic-lyrics.com/lyrics/196.html)** (and, yea, I say to any Joycean would-be pedants, the _song_ can have the apostrophe) ---
**Author:** ![Celyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9dc877/32.png) [@Celyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Celyn)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2004, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/questions-about-etiquette-at-a-wake/223915/16 "2004-01-11T21:55:42Z")
BAH! - sorry - meant “whiskey” ---
**Author:** ![Horseflesh](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horseflesh/32/7502_2.png) [@Horseflesh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horseflesh)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2004, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/questions-about-etiquette-at-a-wake/223915/17 "2004-01-11T22:20:26Z")
Okay, maybe I was just assuming that a wake was after a funeral due to the meaning of the word (as in **ftg** ’s post above). And to think all this time I might have been assuming wrong… **Billdo** , none of my family or friends are Jewish so I don’t think that’s it. Wouldn’t be surprised if some traditions have crossed over though. ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2004, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/questions-about-etiquette-at-a-wake/223915/18 "2004-01-11T22:58:36Z")
You know I was trying to think of a definition of wake that meant “after”. I found it when I checked on Merriam- Webster online. That definition is of Scandanavian origin, while the definition > [@](#): > > a watch held over the body of a dead person prior to burial and sometimes accompanied by festivity appears to have the same English origin as the verb form , which includes “to stand watch over”. ---
**Author:** ![ftg](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ftg/32/2801_2.png) [@ftg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ftg)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2004, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/questions-about-etiquette-at-a-wake/223915/19 "2004-01-12T01:31:55Z")
Okay then: What do you call the “festivities” after a funeral? ---
**Author:** ![BobT](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8e8cbc/32.png) [@BobT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobT)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2004, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/questions-about-etiquette-at-a-wake/223915/20 "2004-01-12T02:08:59Z")
In my neck of the woods, we just called it a “reception”. By my neck of the woods, I refer to Catholics in Southern California. After the services at the cemetery, someone from the funeral home would announce that the family was inviting people over for a reception at a house, or if a big crowd was expected (my dad had a lot of friends), at a meeting room at the church. For most Catholics, the practice is: viewing at the funeral home (usually for family, but sometimes others are invited), Rosary at the church the night before the funeral Mass, Mass the next day, interment, reception. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/questions-about-etiquette-at-a-wake/223915.md?page=2)