# Quickest Ways to End Famous Plays **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 11, 2000, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028 "2000-12-11T16:39:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Gadarene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e47c2d/32.png) [@Gadarene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gadarene)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2000, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028/1 "2000-12-11T16:39:25Z")
“Where’s my handkerchief?” --Desdemona, _Othello_ “Why thank you, Professor Higgins! After one lesson I find I can speak perfectly!” --Eliza, _Pygmalion_ “(singing)Why thank you, Professor Higgins! After one lesson I find I can speak perfectly!” --Eliza, _My Fair Lady_ “Godot! What’s up?” --Vladimir and/or Estragon, _Waiting for Godot_ Any others? ---
**Author:** ![lesa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/34f0e0/32.png) [@lesa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lesa)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2000, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028/2 "2000-12-11T16:47:21Z")
“Juliet, I saw you talking with Romeo at the ball. Someone wanted to throw him out, but I told them not to, because I think he’s a fine young man. Why don’t you marry him, and put an end to this stupid family fued?” - Juliet’s father ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2000, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028/3 "2000-12-11T16:48:00Z")
“Pretty words are nice, but give me a man with a really big . . . nose anytime,” Roxanne in _Cyrano de Bergerac_. ---
**Author:** ![Simetra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/278dde/32.png) [@Simetra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Simetra)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2000, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028/4 "2000-12-11T16:48:42Z")
“Chris. What say we just go back to the barracks and play some cards?” -John _Miss Saigon_ ---
**Author:** ![delphica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e9a140/32.png) [@delphica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/delphica)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2000, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028/5 "2000-12-11T16:53:22Z")
“So Mom, you married my uncle … well, I think I can resign myself to that.” –Hamlet ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2000, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028/6 "2000-12-11T16:54:01Z")
Sheridan Whiteside slips on the ice and breaks his leg. He is rushed to the hospital and stays there. – The Man who Came to Dinner ---
**Author:** ![Olentzero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/90ced4/32.png) [@Olentzero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Olentzero)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2000, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028/7 "2000-12-11T16:56:33Z")
“F\*ck this. Where’d we put the bong?” --any play you want ---
**Author:** ![Coldfire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a587f6/32.png) [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2000, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028/8 "2000-12-11T17:01:25Z")
If you’re ever in London, [check out the **Reduced Shakespeare Company**](http://www.theatrebreaks.com/theatres/complete.htm). They’re Americans, even! You’ll laugh SO hard. A hint: Othello, the Rap Version. ---
**Author:** ![lurkernomore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d6d6ee/32.png) [@lurkernomore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lurkernomore)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2000, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028/9 "2000-12-11T17:07:04Z")
IIRC - correct me if I’m wrong, DRY ``` Hamlet sees father's ghost on battlements. Walks toward him. Steps off wall, splat. ``` ---
**Author:** ![Gadarene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e47c2d/32.png) [@Gadarene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gadarene)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2000, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028/10 "2000-12-11T18:21:41Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Coldfire \* > If you’re ever in London, [check out the **Reduced Shakespeare Company**](http://www.theatrebreaks.com/theatres/complete.htm). They’re Americans, even! > > You’ll laugh SO hard. A hint: Othello, the Rap Version. I love the RSC. Haven’t seen 'em in person, but some friends of mine did The Complete History of William Shakespeare, Abridged and were _fantastic_. “Oob.” ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2000, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028/11 "2000-12-11T18:26:27Z")
_Twelfth Night_ Viola: I have something that I really have to tell you. I’m actually a woman. I feel really bad about putting you on, but I hope you understand why I had to do it. Can we all still be friends? ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2000, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028/12 "2000-12-11T18:34:04Z")
“Sorry, but I prefer younger women. You’re old enough to be my mother!” – Oedepus, _Oedepus Rex_ “That’s for pointing that out, Dr. Stockmann. We’ll shut down the baths immediately.” – The mayor, _An Enemy of the People_ “Screw it. I’ve got better things to do than track down one lousy escaped criminal.” – Inspecter Javert, _Les Miserables_ “Someone’s opening a can of tuna!” – _Cats_ “Your parents are dead, kid. Get over it.” Daddy Warbucks, _Annie_ “Sorry, kids. The show’s couldn’t find a backer. Auditions cancelled.” The director, _A Chorus Line_ “I’ll pass on Iowa; I just don’t know the territory.” Howard Hill, _The Music Man_ “You call that _singing_? This family should stick to what it knows best.” Captain von Trapp, _The Sound of Music_ “He flunked his physical! The army doesn’t want him!” Albert, _Bye Bye Birdie_ “No one is that insolent in front of the king. Off with her head.” _The King and I_ “We’ll all just have to agree to disagree.” _Roshomon_ ---
**Author:** ![Melpomene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/0ea827/32.png) [@Melpomene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Melpomene)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2000, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028/13 "2000-12-11T18:35:10Z")
“Elsinore? I’m not going there! The food sucks, it’s snowing like hell and Hamlet hasn’t spoken to us in years! Let’s head to the South of France instead” - R&G Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are Dead “You know, if my husband dies, then I get to be Queen!” -Lady M Macbeth Puck turns everyone into donkeys Midsummer Night’s Dream Exuent Antigonus. Bear stays behind to chow down on the baby. The Winter’s Tale ---
**Author:** ![Saint\_Zero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c4cdca/32.png) [@Saint\_Zero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Zero)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2000, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028/14 "2000-12-11T18:52:07Z")
Hamlet gets an army, and blows the snot out of his uncle, taking over the country easily. Macbeth, happy to have two fiefdoms to run, tells his wife to jump off a cliff, he’s busy enough. She realises he’s right, and gives up on being Queen. Lear sees a shrink. Othello decks Iago. “Screw this, I’m not waiting for this Godot a$$hole.” “Romeo, darling. You’re cute, but let’s just be friends, okay?” ---
**Author:** ![DAVEW0071](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e19b73/32.png) [@DAVEW0071](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DAVEW0071)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2000, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028/15 "2000-12-11T19:01:37Z")
“Guess what, honey? I just closed a multi-million dollar sale! My boss said they’re going to give me a huge bonus and make me a partner!” – Willie Loman, _Death of a Salesman_ “Man, this place sucks since the Nazis came to power! I’m outta here!” – Chris, _Cabaret_ “Joseph, we don’t mind that you’re dad’s favorite. You’re our favorite, too!” – Any brother, _Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat_ “Jack, I’m glad you’re here. I have to tell you that I love you.” – Algernon, _The Importance of Being Earnest_ “Maybe I’ll buy goldfish instead.” – Tippi Hedren, _The Birds_ ---
**Author:** ![screech-owl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@screech-owl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/screech-owl)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2000, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028/16 "2000-12-11T19:07:13Z")
Marc: “Serge, that’s a really nice painting.” Yvan: “I agree.” - _Art_ And ditto on the RSC ‘Complete Works’ - local company did that one two years in a row\*, and is ending the second year rendition of "The Complete History of America (Abridged) - The New Expanded Reduced Millenium Version. [The PC’ed version of “The Star-Spangled Banner” is great.] - - Othello rap was great, but my fav was “Titus Andonicus” as the Julia Child cooking show. Or Hamlet in reverse. “Oob.” However, I doubt they’ll be doing “The Bible - The Word of God Abridged”, as amusing as it seems. ---
**Author:** ![Gadarene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e47c2d/32.png) [@Gadarene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gadarene)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2000, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028/17 "2000-12-11T19:13:39Z")
> [@](#): > > “We’ll all just have to agree to disagree.” _Roshomon_ _grin_ Love it… Actually, I think I can top all of these, with a famous play that ends so quick that the characters don’t even need to say a word. _Exit_, by Jean-Paul Sartre. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2000, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028/18 "2000-12-11T19:23:18Z")
ummm… on second thought, I’ll just stay home. It looks like it’s starting to snow. – The Wiz ---
**Author:** ![WIGGUM](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/ce7236/32.png) [@WIGGUM](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WIGGUM)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2000, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028/19 "2000-12-11T19:59:56Z")
_Les Miserables_ Valjean plea bargains his way to time served for stealing a loaf of bread, and opens a bakery. ---
**Author:** ![Dark\_Lord\_Davidson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bc8723/32.png) [@Dark\_Lord\_Davidson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dark_Lord_Davidson)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2000, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028/20 "2000-12-11T20:13:47Z")
Dysart to Alan Strang: “I would’ve done the same thing.” –_Equus_ [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028.md?page=2)