# Quickest Ways to End Famous Plays **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 11, 2000, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028 "2000-12-11T16:39:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![DRY](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a87d85/32.png) [@DRY](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DRY)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2000, 7:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028/21 "2000-12-12T07:45:11Z")
**The Comedy of Errors** –“Hey, that must be my long lost twin” **The Taming of the Shrew** –“This bitch isn’t worth the money!” ::stalks off:: **Julius Caesar** –“Bite me, Cassius. You’re just jealous!” **Richard III** –“A whore, a whore, my kingdom for a whore!” “Withdraw my lord, I’ll help you to a whore…” **King Lear** –“Divide my kingdom among these ungrateful sluts? You must be shitting me!” **Romeo & Juliet** -“Romeo.” “Tybalt.” “Romeo.” “Tybalt.” “Romeo, Romeo, Romeo.” “Tybalt, Tybalt, Tybalt.” (Sodomy follows) **Titus Andronicus** –They all join a cult and kill themselves (HEY! You tell me what’s the difference between that and what actually happens in the play! They all die anyway!) **The Merchant of Venice** –Portia meets Shylock, converts, and discovers that it IS possible to have an orgasm with “deformed” male (Jack Dean Tyler’s beliefs notwithstanding) **Antony and Cleopatra** –Cleopatra emasculates Antony in the first scene of the first act, instead us having to sit through a several hour play. **Othello** –Desdemona tires of her mixed marriage and runs off with Iago. **Hamlet** –Hamlet. Gertrude. Oedipus. 'Nuff said. **The Winter’s Tale** –Polixenes and Hermione get it on. Leontes is eaten by a bear. **The Tempest** –King Caliban and his concubine Miranda **Macbeth** –talks to himself until Duncan wakes up **The Merry Wives of Windsor** –“An honor and a pleasure to meet your majesty. What’s that? You’d like to see Sir John Falstaff in love? Fuck you–I don’t do requests!” ---
**Author:** ![flodnak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/838e76/32.png) [@flodnak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flodnak)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2000, 8:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028/22 "2000-12-12T08:09:52Z")
**A Doll’s House** : “Macaroons? All the work I do for you and those little brats, and I’m not even allowed to buy a lousy bag of _macaroons_? Screw this, you fucking control freak, I’m outta here!” [A door slams.] ---
**Author:** ![betenoir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/258eb7/32.png) [@betenoir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/betenoir)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2000, 10:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028/23 "2000-12-12T10:30:41Z")
“I have and idea. Let’s all just check ourselves into rehab.” -Long Days Journey Into Night “My sister’s getting married, so she won’t be able to visit after all” -Streetcar Named Desire "You want to put on a play based on T.S.Eliot’s poems, involving people dancind around in cat costumes!! That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Get the hell out of my office! -Cats (the ideal ending). ---
**Author:** ![woolly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/ebca7d/32.png) [@woolly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/woolly)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2000, 10:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028/24 "2000-12-12T10:52:10Z")
Ludwig: On reflection, Your Excellency, I think “The Ring Cycle” would be far better performed by a string quartet in the new chamber music style. Valkeries are so passe. ---
**Author:** ![VaHermit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/ed655f/32.png) [@VaHermit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VaHermit)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2000, 11:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028/25 "2000-12-12T11:22:01Z")
From Romeo and Juliet, Scene 1: The Prince: Throw your mistemper’d weapons to the ground, And hear the sentence of your moved prince. Three civil brawls, bred of an airy word, By thee, old Capulet, and Montague, Have thrice disturb’d the quiet of our streets, And made Verona’s ancient citizens Cast by their grave beseeming ornaments, To wield old partisans, in hands as old, Canker’d with peace, to part your canker’d hate. You will _not_ disturb our streets again, BLAM, BLAM, RATATATATA, BOOM, BOOM, BLAM, BLAM!!! Ok, boys, our work here is done, back to the castle. Hermit ---
**Author:** ![longjohn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/65b543/32.png) [@longjohn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/longjohn)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2000, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028/26 "2000-12-12T13:52:59Z")
Anna and Alice (together): Bastards! Dan and Larry (together): Bitches! Closer, by Patrick Marber Henry: Sorry, what’s so insulting about tennis balls , i don’t get it? Henry V First Witch. When shall we three meet again In thunder, lightning, or in rain? Second & Third Witches: actually, i’m a bit busy… Macbeth ---
**Author:** ![broccoli](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a183cd/32.png) [@broccoli](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/broccoli)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2000, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028/27 "2000-12-12T14:58:33Z")
Is it just me or could most Shakespear plays just end with a taping of the _Jerry Springer Show_? Hamlet… check “Wives who kill their Husbands to marry family and the Sons who will kill them all” Romeo & Juilet… check “Teenage runaways” A Midsummer’s Night Dream… check “People who try to play matchmaker, and the lives they ruin” Julius Caesar… check “Betrayed by my best friend” need I go on? broccoli! ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2000, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028/28 "2000-12-12T15:26:42Z")
“Mozart? Don’t like his music all that much,” Saleri in _Amadeus_ “The Japanese are strafing the camp!” _South Pacific_ “What? I’m not having any colored man drive my car!” Daisy in _Driving Miss Daisy_ “Your family is _nuts_. I can’t marry you.” Tony in _You Can’t Take it With You_ “You’re right! Rabbits don’t talk! What was I thinking?” Elwood P. Dows in _Harvey_ “I quit. I don’t like all the office politics around here,” J. Pierpont Finch, _How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying_. “And Johnson is out! Burns retains his championship!” Ring announcer in _The Great White Hope_ ---
**Author:** ![woolly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/ebca7d/32.png) [@woolly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/woolly)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2000, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028/29 "2000-12-12T23:21:21Z")
Porter (Victoria station, Brighton line): “Guv, I’ve cleaned out the cloak room and chucked all the handbags and other crap into the gargage compactor like you said” - The Importance of Being Earnest ---
**Author:** ![fierra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/58956e/32.png) [@fierra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fierra)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2000, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028/30 "2000-12-13T00:27:23Z")
let’s tell the police about the girl that died -An Inspector Calls I did it -The Mousetrap Brother, I really don’t like you…guards, take him away… -The Prequel (Episode I) to Hamlet… ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2000, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028/31 "2000-12-13T00:43:04Z")
“Bible, schmible. Hey, Drummond, let’s find a bar and try to snag us some chicks.” -Matthew Harrison Brady, _Inherit the Wind_. Sandy ditches Danny and Rizzo ditches Kenicky and they become lesbians and get Her’s and Her’s towels.-Grease. (admittedly, I stole that one from a Star Wars humor site, just changed the names). ---
**Author:** ![Saint\_Zero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c4cdca/32.png) [@Saint\_Zero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Zero)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2000, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028/32 "2000-12-13T01:05:17Z")
to any disney kid, in a disney “family” movie: “Look you smart ass, I don’t care what you think! We are not going to do it! Forget it! I don’t care if we all die!” followed by being gagged and dumped in the trunk. Law and Order: I did it! I confess! L&O:SVU: I did it! [BLAM!] [THUD] “He’s dead.” Practice: They all get thrown in jail for contempt, disbarred, and end up in the gutter. ---
**Author:** ![snac](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/90db22/32.png) [@snac](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/snac)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2000, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028/33 "2000-12-13T02:35:16Z")
The Unsinkable Molly Brown–“I’m going down for the third time!” “The fiddler on the–crash…” ---
**Author:** ![Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tapioca_Dextrin)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2000, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028/34 "2000-12-13T02:47:16Z")
**Juilius Caeser** Beware the Ides of March? OK love, I’ll stay in that day **Merchant of Venice** Antonio: Here’s my ships now Shylock: Bugger **An Inspector Calls** I’ll have to see some ID before I let you in ---
**Author:** ![capacitor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e47774/32.png) [@capacitor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capacitor)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2000, 3:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028/35 "2000-12-13T03:24:41Z")
\*\*Picket Fences{/b]: “I defer to the decision of the jury.”–Judge Bone **Porgy and Bess** : Sportin’ Life gets shot by Porgy. \*\*A Long Day’s Journey into Night{/b] Anyone saying. “I am sick and tired of wallowing in self-pity with you guys!! I am getting me some help, then I’m outta here!!” ---
**Author:** ![Nocturne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/9fc348/32.png) [@Nocturne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nocturne)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2000, 5:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028/36 "2000-12-13T05:10:26Z")
“I don’t want the operation.”–Charlie, Flowers for Algernon ---
**Author:** ![Revedge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ecae2f/32.png) [@Revedge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revedge)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2000, 5:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028/37 "2000-12-13T05:41:30Z")
“I don’t care what the Oracle says, we are keeping the baby!” -Oedipus Rex “Okay Antigone, If you care about your brother that much, bury the little son of a bitch!” Creon, - Antigone “Let the old biddy keep the dog. All he ever does is pee on the rug!” Dorothy, -Wizard of Oz. “Gee Dad, it’s to bad they were all killed in the shipwreck.” -The Tempest “No way Felix. No way are you moving in with me. Either make up with your wife or get a hotel room.” Oscar, -THe Odd Couple “I don’t like apples!” Eve ---
**Author:** ![DRY](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a87d85/32.png) [@DRY](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DRY)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2000, 8:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028/38 "2000-12-13T08:34:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by broccoli! \* > \*\*Is it just me or could most Shakespear plays just end with a taping of the _Jerry Springer Show_? > [snip] > need I go on? \*\* Please do! I’d love to hear your interpretation of **Cymbeline** and **Love’s Labours Lost**! 😛 ---
**Author:** ![TwistofFate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cdc98d/32.png) [@TwistofFate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TwistofFate)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2000, 11:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028/39 "2000-12-13T11:38:59Z")
I didn’t want to go to America anyway. -Peig Saor, _peig_ ---
**Author:** ![lurkernomore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d6d6ee/32.png) [@lurkernomore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lurkernomore)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2000, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028/40 "2000-12-13T15:12:52Z")
12 Angry Men: “Ok, whatever, guilty, just get me off jury duty.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quickest-ways-to-end-famous-plays/45028.md?page=3)