# Quotable Earl (My Name Is) **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [November 24, 2007, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quotable-earl-my-name-is/427639 "2007-11-24T20:48:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![MadTheSwine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9fc29f/32.png) [@MadTheSwine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MadTheSwine)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2007, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quotable-earl-my-name-is/427639/1 "2007-11-24T20:48:44Z")
I searched for an Earl quote thread but didn’t find one …seems like we woulda had one of these by now. In case there hasn’t been one, I’ll submit this one: Joy: (talking to her kids) I swear if you kids don’t behave, I’ll smack you so hard you’ll switch colors. Not sure if I got it exact,but I got a big laugh out of it. ---
**Author:** ![RumMunkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b19c9b/32.png) [@RumMunkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RumMunkey)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2007, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quotable-earl-my-name-is/427639/2 "2007-11-24T23:11:15Z")
JOY: “Hey Dummy,” (swings open her bathrobe) “you know where babies come from?” RANDY: (points) “From the bottom of that fuzzy lightning bolt” ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2007, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quotable-earl-my-name-is/427639/3 "2007-11-24T23:38:03Z")
Earl (to Randy): “The doctor _did_ say you were borderline artistic.” ---
**Author:** ![RumMunkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b19c9b/32.png) [@RumMunkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RumMunkey)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2007, 3:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quotable-earl-my-name-is/427639/4 "2007-11-25T03:04:27Z")
“That’s not a Caesarian scar! That’s where my prom date stabbed me!” -Joy ---
**Author:** ![LavenderBlue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e95f7d/32.png) [@LavenderBlue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LavenderBlue)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2007, 4:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quotable-earl-my-name-is/427639/5 "2007-11-25T04:15:12Z")
Look Joy, people don’t want to help you when you insult them. That’s why that troop of “flat chested pygmy sluts” won’t deliver girl scout cookies to ya anymore. – Earl I’m not stuck. I’m keeping my hand cold for a guy that’s into dead people. - - Patty the Daytime Hooker Sorry sweetheart I don’t speak maid – Joy to Catalina ---
**Author:** ![Asgardking](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/779978/32.png) [@Asgardking](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asgardking)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2007, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quotable-earl-my-name-is/427639/6 "2007-11-25T04:26:46Z")
Earl - Randy’s afraid of birds. And that big hat the pope wears. But that’s just because he thinks there’s a chicken under it. ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2007, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quotable-earl-my-name-is/427639/7 "2007-11-26T17:02:35Z")
Earl’s mom to Earl: Earl, one of you is bad, and one of you is just slow. And you’re the bad one. Randy: Which one am I mama? ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2007, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quotable-earl-my-name-is/427639/8 "2007-11-26T17:27:37Z")
“It’s like saying Def Leppard has an awesomeness problem.” Yes, I have **Pyromania** on CD. And yes, I crank up \*Rock of Ages \* every chance I get. ---
**Author:** ![ftg](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ftg/32/2801_2.png) [@ftg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ftg)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2007, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quotable-earl-my-name-is/427639/9 "2007-11-26T18:38:26Z")
“I will not jump for Joy” ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2007, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quotable-earl-my-name-is/427639/10 "2007-11-26T23:21:24Z")
“I’m not listening to you!” - in context, this was hysterical. ---
**Author:** ![YPOD](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/e99b99/32.png) [@YPOD](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YPOD)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2007, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quotable-earl-my-name-is/427639/11 "2007-11-27T17:31:00Z")
Two from Joy: " I don’t care if she is Vietnamese, Chinese, or Chucky Cheese." " …all over me like a creepy uncle." ---
**Author:** ![Max\_the\_Immortal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/6de8d8/32.png) [@Max\_the\_Immortal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_the_Immortal)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2007, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quotable-earl-my-name-is/427639/12 "2007-11-28T04:48:26Z")
Randy: Remember when Hepatitis Bob had sex with your mattress, and I got you a new one so you wouldn’t get whatever disease it is that Hepatitis Bob has? ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2007, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/quotable-earl-my-name-is/427639/13 "2007-11-28T18:44:28Z")
So many great lines… but relatively few have stuck in my mind, alas. “Wakey, wakey, hands off snakey!” - Earl, to his brother Randy, first thing in the morning “I’ve gotta go poop!” - the wheelchair-bound old coot with the newspaper subscription “Will you unhook me from this damn thing so that I can have a normal conversation with Earl?” - Joy, after the lie-detector keeps going off “Joy, huh? I haven’t thought of how much _better_ I am than her in ever so long.” - the former Little Miss Pretty Pretty champion “Are we gonna die in here?” - Randy, hanging in the abandoned water tank “No!.. Maybe… Probably.” - Earl, as the days pass “Riiiiiiiiiiiiicola!” - Randy, checking out the echo “I asked him if he had the stuff, but it turned out the stuff he had was the same as my stuff, so I got out of there fast.” - Randy, having an unwanted close encounter with a gay guy on the street “Hey, Earl!” “Hey, Crabman!” - Darnell and Earl’s repeated friendly greeting “Clearly a dromedary.” - Darnell, on the illustration in the book _Lawsuits for Dummies_ “It’s OK. It was either her or me.” - Catalina, shrugging off her mother’s untimely death