# Race relations **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 25, 1999, 5:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/race-relations/9974 "1999-10-25T05:24:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 1999, 5:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/race-relations/9974/1 "1999-10-25T05:24:00Z")
Let’s just preface this by saying that as a left-wing political activist, I detest and work strongly against racism in the community and would be extremely distressed to find out that I was somehow being racist. That said, I hope that my fellow Dopers can help me with a perplexing quandary. I am not sexually attracted to men of certain races. I just can’t help it. The thought of having sex with members of these races turns me off. I’m terrified that this means that I am a racist, but then again I’m not sexually attracted to bald men, men over forty, gym queens, clones, etc., and I don’t think that these represent a prejudice so much as a taste. Nevertheless, I want to hear other people’s point of view. Am I a racist? Or is “sex partner” simply not an equal-opportunity position? Question two: is there any polite way to ask someone’s race or skin colour in a chat room? I mean, I can ask anything from age to penis size to weight to pet fetishes without embarrassment. But race? I just can’t think of a good way to ask. As it stands, I mention my own skin colour when someone asks for my stats, and I try to deduce the other guy’s via secondary characteristics (hair and eye colour) or by asking for a photo. But this does not always work. BTW, please don’t bug me about being superficial. I know I’m being superficial. We’re talking about casual sex here, not a friendship, love affair, or whatever. You may be sure that I try very hard to treat everybody equally in day-to-day life (see above). ---
**Author:** ![Boris\_B](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/fbc32d/32.png) [@Boris\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boris_B)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 1999, 6:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/race-relations/9974/2 "1999-10-25T06:00:00Z")
Hey, Martin Luther King’s wife was black, and if he were totally color-blind, that would only have a 12-14% chance of being true. In all seriousness, I think life partner is not an equal-opportunity position, as you said. One criterion for romantic love is physical attraction, and people have tons of imponderable reasons to be attracted to someone. If your only concern were race, i.e. if you thought the ugliest white person were better-looking than the gorgeousest (new word!) black person, that would be pretty weird. Who’s better-looking … Danny DeVito or Denzel Washington? The female lead from _A Rage in Harlem_ or that lily-white 50-year-old with the double chin who works at the DMV and gives you a fake smile with missing teeth and maroon lipstick? Okay, those are kinda dumb examples, but you get the point. Frankly, all physical attraction criteria are pretty superficial: some people like muscular people, some like plump people, some (lots) like skinny people. Big deal. Race is a big enough thang in U.S. culture to permeate way too many of our thoughts about one another, but it’s natural to expect it to make it’s way into something as naturally superficial as beauty. Incidentally, I think it’s kind of weird that so many people I know, mainly white people, have a positive aethetic opinions about certain races. I’ve heard, “Black men are just so hot I could never think about dating white guys again.” I’ve heard, “I really think Asian chics are sexy.” You don’t hear, “I don’t think Aleuts are sexy” very often because unsexiness just isn’t very noteworthy. A funny one is the nearly universal positive reaction I’ve heard to people with African-esque skin tone and European-esque features … “Check out the woman from Brazil! She is _hot_!” I’ve also heard it said about Ethiopians. * * * Nothing I write about any person or group should be applied to a larger group. - Boris Badenov ---
**Author:** ![Boris\_B](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/fbc32d/32.png) [@Boris\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boris_B)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 1999, 6:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/race-relations/9974/3 "1999-10-25T06:07:00Z")
By the way, matt, I just re-read your post and realized I had been replying to you as if you were looking for a life partner. If it’s just a casual affair, then I suppose physical attraction would count doubly, since mutual interests, compatible life plans, etc., don’t really fit in as much. ---
**Author:** ![Coldfire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a587f6/32.png) [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 1999, 12:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/race-relations/9974/4 "1999-10-25T12:11:00Z")
No, you’re not a racist Matt. Whomever pleases your eye (or any other parts of your anatomy, for that matter…) is entirely up to you. If you start shouting “Nigger, get out of my seat !” while getting on the bus, I suppose you’re a racist. If you just think to yourself, “Hmmmm. Black man. Doesn’t do anything for me”, well that’s just fine. ## Unless you’re gonna start TELLING people you don’t feel attracted to them because of their race… then you’d better run your buns of, mate 😉 Coldfire * * * “You know how complex women are” - Neil Peart, Rush (1993) ---
**Author:** ![Satan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Satan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satan)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 1999, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/race-relations/9974/5 "1999-10-25T15:40:00Z")
heatherlee started this same exact thread a few months ago and got blasted for it. Unfairly, I thought. I think it’s silly for someone to say, “I only like blondes,” but people do and i don’t think they are showing hairacism (SAT word)… If someone is not attracted to something for matters carnal, well, we’re a funny breed, us humans. It’s when you treat someone differently in normal situations, or feel differently, that you broach the line into racism. I could care less about someone being a bit heavy, or even flat-out obese. But I do not want to date a 300 pound woman. I don’t think that means I’m prejudiced against obese people… * * * Yer pal, Satan ---
**Author:** ![SqrlCub](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea5d25/32.png) [@SqrlCub](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SqrlCub)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 1999, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/race-relations/9974/6 "1999-10-25T15:45:00Z")
Hey Matt, I don’t think you are a racist. An easy way to ask is to ask about their hair (straight, curly etc), hair color, and eye color. I see the dilemma that you are having with feeling like a racist. Go after who you are attracted to, not who you feel pressured to date. HUGS! Sqrl * * * Move over Satan. 😉 Now there’s something meatier. [http://smallwonder.simplenet.com/COC.html](http://smallwonder.simplenet.com/COC.html) ---
**Author:** ![Sealemon88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c68b51/32.png) [@Sealemon88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sealemon88)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 1999, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/race-relations/9974/7 "1999-10-25T16:26:00Z")
I agree. I’ve dated whites, Hispanics, and Asians, but I’ve never been with a black woman. Why? No real reason, except I haven’t **known** that many black women long enough to consider asking them out. I’m shy, and it takes me awhile to get my courage up. I rule nothing out; it simply hasn’t happened yet. As far as the OP being racist? Doesn’t sound like it in your case. I think if an individual doesn’t feel attracted to a certain type of person, you have to ask _why_ he/she isn’t attracted. The answer will determine if they’re predjudiced or not. * * * You say “cheesy” like that’s a **BAD** thing. ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 1999, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/race-relations/9974/8 "1999-10-25T21:10:00Z")
Thanks for the input. I feel much better 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![heatherlee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/d6d6ee/32.png) [@heatherlee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/heatherlee)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 1999, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/race-relations/9974/9 "1999-10-25T23:27:00Z")
lol this is too funny…so why dont you guys call this person predjudice like you called me, when I said the same thing basically. Rather amusing I think * * * Love Always, Heather Lee [XheatherleeX@aol.com](mailto:XheatherleeX@aol.com) ---
**Author:** ![Boris\_B](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/fbc32d/32.png) [@Boris\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boris_B)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 1999, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/race-relations/9974/10 "1999-10-25T23:33:00Z")
Who called you that, Heather? Did you say you wouldn’t date humans? Only Evil Demigods? Or what? That wasn’t very nice of them. Maybe the were confusing you with Grand High Troglodyte Heather **Limp** of the United Klams of Karolina? ---
**Author:** ![ruadh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d2c977/32.png) [@ruadh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ruadh)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 1999, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/race-relations/9974/11 "1999-10-25T23:35:00Z")
Jeez, Heather, you still don’t get the difference between saying “I’m not attracted to people of another race” and “I will not date someone of another race”? Satan, you yourself admitted on that thread that that comment of Heather’s was racist. ---
**Author:** ![metroshane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/aeb1de/32.png) [@metroshane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/metroshane)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 1999, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/race-relations/9974/12 "1999-10-25T23:37:00Z")
Ask them what races they’re not! * * * We’re all here, because we’re not all there! ---
**Author:** ![Satan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Satan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satan)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 1999, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/race-relations/9974/13 "1999-10-25T23:38:00Z")
Boris B - There is a thread around here that heatherlee started, and in it she was accused of racism, as was I for agreeing with the notion (if not the sentiment). The issue is that she didn’t word it with as many personal ideals as the OP here did, but again, the sentiment was the same. ---
**Author:** ![Satan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Satan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satan)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 1999, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/race-relations/9974/14 "1999-10-25T23:40:00Z")
ruadh: No, actually, I didn’t. Don’t get into a battle of semantcs here. Do you generally date opeople you are not attracted to? ---
**Author:** ![ruadh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d2c977/32.png) [@ruadh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ruadh)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 1999, 1:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/race-relations/9974/15 "1999-10-26T01:41:00Z")
Well Satan, since the thread mysteriously disappeared I’ve no way to prove it, but my memory is that you did acknowledge that it was racist to say “I won’t date someone of another race.” Anyway, it isn’t semantics at all. Heather made it very clear in that thread that she is morally/philosophically opposed to dating nonwhites. She didn’t even get around to bringing up the “attraction” thing until maybe her third post on the subject - it very clearly wasn’t her primary concern. ---
**Author:** ![heatherlee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/d6d6ee/32.png) [@heatherlee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/heatherlee)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 1999, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/race-relations/9974/16 "1999-10-26T02:42:00Z")
ruadh why dont you ask me what my primary concern was you piece of shit? Like you even fucking know me! And for you to call me racist, you sound like you have some pretty fucked up issues of your own to contend with, so instead of bitching about me take care of yourself and YOUR problems 🙂 as for Satan, he NEVER called me racist EVER so keep your fat ass nose in your OWN business…lol more people might like you (although I doubt that) * * * Love Always, Heather Lee [XheatherleeX@aol.com](mailto:XheatherleeX@aol.com) ---
**Author:** ![heatherlee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/d6d6ee/32.png) [@heatherlee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/heatherlee)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 1999, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/race-relations/9974/17 "1999-10-26T02:46:00Z")
also hmm does the fact I have dated mexicans before make me not predjudice? or maybe the fact that I wont screw animals makes me predjudice against animals ? lol grow up get a life please. and do us all a favor keep your trap shut * * * Love Always, Heather Lee [XheatherleeX@aol.com](mailto:XheatherleeX@aol.com) ---
**Author:** ![ruadh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d2c977/32.png) [@ruadh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ruadh)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 1999, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/race-relations/9974/18 "1999-10-26T03:01:00Z")
First of all Heather I didn’t call **you** racist, nor did I say Brian did. Now then. You came on this board and **started a thread** in which you announced to everyone that you wouldn’t date outside your race. What the hell kind of reaction did you expect? > [@](#): > > why dont you ask me what my primary concern was you piece of shit? OK. If the main issue is that you simply aren’t attracted to non-whites, why didn’t it even occur to you to **mention** physical attraction until a few posts in? Honest question. 'cause I mean, when someone asks me why I feel a particular way about something, I don’t offer my primary concern in a manner that suggests it’s just an afterthought. ---
**Author:** ![Poto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ab992/32.png) [@Poto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Poto)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 1999, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/race-relations/9974/19 "1999-10-26T03:07:00Z")
To make this a more positive topic, some of you could list a race that you DO find attractive, outside of your own. I’ll start. In my younger days I thought Asian women were attractive. Just didn’t happen to meet any that were otherwise interesting.And available. ---
**Author:** ![Sylence](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b19c9b/32.png) [@Sylence](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sylence)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 1999, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/race-relations/9974/20 "1999-10-26T03:45:00Z")
As long as you treat people with dignity and respect, I don’t see how not being attracted to them is an act of racism. I may not date black women, but I treat them as my equals. I don’t feel obligated to date them simply because they are black. – Sylence * * * And now, for my next trick, I will talk in spooky half-references. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/race-relations/9974.md?page=2)