# Racism or personal preference in dating? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 18, 2012, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/racism-or-personal-preference-in-dating/625576 "2012-06-18T22:31:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![B.Serum](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/b.serum/32/14266_2.png) [@B.Serum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/B.Serum)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2012, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/racism-or-personal-preference-in-dating/625576/61 "2012-06-20T00:37:42Z")
It’s a telling distinction is to say _“I won’t date \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ people.”_ rather than _“I haven’t met any \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ people I’ve been attracted to.”_ The former statement reflects a pre-judging of a group of people and discounts everything except the most superficial aspects. The latter is just a statement of experience without precluding the possibility that they can meet someone that is totally awesome. So, I guess racist. ---
**Author:** ![Cardinal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cardinal/32/4000_2.png) [@Cardinal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cardinal)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2012, 9:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/racism-or-personal-preference-in-dating/625576/62 "2012-06-20T09:10:04Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > It depends. > > Is there disgust when they talk about a certain group of people? Like, “Ew! Why would I want to date a white guy?!” Or is it a more muted response: “I haven’t met a white guy that really knocks me off my feet, but I’m not writing them off yet.” > > Is it all they can talk about? “See, this is why I don’t like X people!” “That’s why I like Y people !” > > Is it apparent that they don’t have any experiences to draw from, just stereotypes? “All black guys are thugs.” “All Asian guys are short and nerdy.” “White men don’t have real dicks.” > > Do they have a fetish or self-hating going on? “Asian women are pure sexiness.” “I want to have babies with a white person so my kids will be pretty.” Thank you, on every count. This whitey agrees on every point. Also, that my adopted Ugandan nephew is not a self hating racist if he marries white, because that’s what he’s used to looking at in Santa Barbara County. ---
**Author:** ![grude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e47774/32.png) [@grude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/grude)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2012, 11:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/racism-or-personal-preference-in-dating/625576/63 "2012-06-20T11:15:49Z")
Attraction or lack of cannot be racism, racism is by definition the idea that some races are inherently superior or inferior. If someone is attracted to some quality of a specific race that isn’t racism, its just what they like. ---
**Author:** ![ralph124c](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8797f3/32.png) [@ralph124c](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ralph124c)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2012, 12:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/racism-or-personal-preference-in-dating/625576/64 "2012-06-20T12:14:52Z")
I prefer to date wealthy women who are also nymphomaniacs. Does this restrict me?😃 ---
**Author:** ![Sahirrnee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sahirrnee/32/13937_2.png) [@Sahirrnee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sahirrnee)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2012, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/racism-or-personal-preference-in-dating/625576/65 "2012-06-20T15:36:25Z")
I don’t think it’s racist to not date outside your race. It’s no different than not wanting to date outside your religion or culture. It’s a personal preference and not my place to judge another’s choice. People know what they can or cannot handle in a relationship. Not wanting to upset your family is a valid reason. I dated a black man for 5 years. All of his previous girlfriends were white and his children are bi-racial. I never thought family would be a problem but it is why I broke up with him. My family wasn’t too happy but I’m an adult and I make my own decisions. I know they would come around to accepting it. His family was the problem, or rather he was the problem. They didn’t approve and he didn’t have the balls to stand up to them. We never spent a holiday together because he wanted to be with his family and his family wouldn’t accept me. I told him I don’t care if we spend holidays with his family, my family, or we go somewhere together and do our own thing, one more holiday without being together and we are done. The final straw. His aunt lost her job and home, he took her in and I couldn’t go to his house anymore because she hated me. She never met me but my being white was reason enough for her. He couldn’t disrespect her because she was his aunt. So it was okay to disrespect me? If you are not going to be strong enough to stand up for your partner against your family, friends and societal disapproval then you shouldn’t date outside your race, religion or culture. That’s not racist. That’s knowing yourself and what you can handle. ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2012, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/racism-or-personal-preference-in-dating/625576/66 "2012-06-20T17:04:47Z")
> [@sahirrnee](#): > > Not wanting to upset your family is a valid reason. That’s not a valid reason, because refusing to stand up for your long term girlfriend when your family is treating her unfairly isn’t right. It’s not necessarily racist, but it’s not okay either. ---
**Author:** ![Kevbo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e47774/32.png) [@Kevbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kevbo)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2012, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/racism-or-personal-preference-in-dating/625576/67 "2012-06-20T17:17:35Z")
There might be a strong biological motive for bias when it comes to mate selection: If there were a genetic predisposition to prefer mates that were similar to ones self, then it would tend to propagate strongly and be reinforced. All the genes that produced similar traits would also get reinforced, and this would then tend to select toward “racial purity”…whatever that might mean. IF OTOH, there were a gene that tended to make people seek out mates UNlike themselves, that might reinforce, but all the other traits would not. This would drive things toward racial blending, and you’d soon average out to the point where you couldn’t identify “races” at all. Since we seem to mostly maintain distinct races even where diverse mates have been available for tens of generations, it is clear that there is racial bias at work in mate selection. It is not clear if this is learned or inherited behavior though. ---
**Author:** ![Sahirrnee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sahirrnee/32/13937_2.png) [@Sahirrnee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sahirrnee)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2012, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/racism-or-personal-preference-in-dating/625576/68 "2012-06-20T21:04:06Z")
> [@Blackberry](#): > > That’s not a valid reason, because refusing to stand up for your long term girlfriend when your family is treating her unfairly isn’t right. It’s not necessarily racist, but it’s not okay either. I guess what I was saying is not dating outside of your race (or religion or culture) is a valid reason if you know your family and friends won’t be accepting of it and you don’t want to deal with those issues. Not everybody does and it doesn’t make them racist if they choose not to. ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2012, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/racism-or-personal-preference-in-dating/625576/69 "2012-06-20T21:26:42Z")
> [@Kevbo](#): > > IF OTOH, there were a gene that tended to make people seek out mates UNlike themselves, that might reinforce, but all the other traits would not. This would drive things toward racial blending, and you’d soon average out to the point where you couldn’t identify “races” at all. How do you know we’re not heading towards this? I’d love to see statistics on this, but it seems like more and more mixed-race babies are born each year. ---
**Author:** ![Cryptic\_C62](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/3e96dc/32.png) [@Cryptic\_C62](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cryptic_C62)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2012, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/racism-or-personal-preference-in-dating/625576/70 "2012-06-20T22:00:01Z")
I am a white male, and I have only ever dated white females, and it is very rare that I find myself attracted to non-white females. Could it be racism? Possibly, but that doesn’t seem very likely when one considers the way I interact with people. One of my closest female friends is Vietnamese, and my two best guy friends at Disney World were both black. Whenever I meet someone whose culture or upbringing is very different from my own (Czech, Chinese, Jamaican, Indonesian, deaf, or home-schooled, to name a few recent examples), I generally find them fascinating and try to learn as much as I can about their history, regardless of their skin color or gender. When it comes to the white-only attraction thing, I suspect it has something to do with where I grew up. I went to middle school and high school (the formative years of male-female attraction) in a town which, according to the 2000 census, was 95% white. If we assume that attractiveness was randomly distributed among all of my peers, then it would have been highly unlikely for a non-white woman to be among the most attractive in my classes. To put it bluntly, I grew up being attracted only to white women because that’s all there was available. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2012, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/racism-or-personal-preference-in-dating/625576/71 "2012-06-20T22:09:47Z")
> [@Cryptic\_C62](#): > > One of my closest female friends is Vietnamese, and my two best guy friends \*\*at Disney World \*\*were both black. (my bold) What? ---
**Author:** ![Cryptic\_C62](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/3e96dc/32.png) [@Cryptic\_C62](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cryptic_C62)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2012, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/racism-or-personal-preference-in-dating/625576/72 "2012-06-20T23:40:18Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > What? [Long version.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=625877) Short version: I worked at Disney World. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/racism-or-personal-preference-in-dating/625576.md?page=3)