# Random Facts: The Chuck Norris Edition **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 27, 2005, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-facts-the-chuck-norris-edition/332859 "2005-11-27T01:26:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2005, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-facts-the-chuck-norris-edition/332859/1 "2005-11-27T01:26:27Z")
In my boredom today, I stumbled across [this](http://www.4q.cc/chuck/index.php) website. I can’t stop giggling. And now, some random facts about Chuck Norris: > [@](#): > > Chuck Norris was put on this earth to do two things: drink some beer and kick some ass. Chuck Norris successfully drank all of the beer this world had to offer by the time he was 3 months old. He has been kicking ass ever since. > [@](#): > > Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying “booya”. > [@](#): > > According to the Geneva Convention, Chuck Norris is not allowed to be used as a first strike weapon > [@](#): > > Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths. > [@](#): > > Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. > [@](#): > > Her milkshake may bring all the boys to the yard, but Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick brings god himself to his knees. And as a bonus, there are also Mr. T random facts. When T and Chuck come together, we get this: > [@](#): > > If at the exact same moment, the same person was pitied by Mr. T and roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, the universe would implode. :eek: 😃 ---
**Author:** ![crowmanyclouds](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crowmanyclouds/32/19884_2.png) [@crowmanyclouds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/crowmanyclouds)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2005, 1:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-facts-the-chuck-norris-edition/332859/2 "2005-11-27T01:35:34Z")
The first rule of Chuck Norris is, you do not talk about Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris does not stand while urinating. He squats like an eight year old girl. After urinating Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the toilet into oblivion, so it can never tell the shocking truth about his bathroom habits to any living soul. If you rearrange the letters in “Jesus Christ” you get “Chuck Norris”, but you have to try really hard. ---
**Author:** ![Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cab0a1/32.png) [@Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Man_With_a_Cat)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2005, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-facts-the-chuck-norris-edition/332859/3 "2005-11-27T01:36:42Z")
> [@](#): > > Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying “booya”. And does he give me credit? Ingrate ---
**Author:** ![Campion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4491bb/32.png) [@Campion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Campion)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2005, 2:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-facts-the-chuck-norris-edition/332859/4 "2005-11-27T02:32:28Z")
> [@](#): > > Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. That is awesome. This is awesomer: > [@](#): > > Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. Oh no. I think I have a new hobby. > [@](#): > > If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. ---
**Author:** ![Revenant\_Threshold](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f1d935/32.png) [@Revenant\_Threshold](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revenant_Threshold)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2005, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-facts-the-chuck-norris-edition/332859/5 "2005-11-27T03:10:08Z")
Oh dear Og, this is addictive! > [@](#): > > The song, “I Can See Clearly Now,” was created after Chuck Norris slaughtered 203,945 people in midair. The rain of blood lasted days. Jesus was pissed. > [@](#): > > When Chuck Norris passes Go, he collects $400.00 > [@](#): > > Chuck Norris weighs as much as a thousand suns. Normally, the Laws of Physics would cause him to collapse in on himself, but the Laws of Physiscs are afraid of being roundhoused kicked into another dimension. > [@](#): > > Chuck Norris found Waldo, beat the shit out of him, and chained him to a radiator so he couldn’t ever run away again. ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2005, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-facts-the-chuck-norris-edition/332859/6 "2005-11-27T03:50:28Z")
> [@](#): > > As well as being an actor, martial artist, and poet, Chuck Norris is also a world renowned physicist. It was in this capacity that he once had a disagreement about steady-state theory with Stephen Hawking. Hence the Wheelchair. 😛 > [@](#): > > As a youngster, Chuck Norris promised himself he wouldn’t cry. Last year, his beloved mother died and a single tear fell out of his eye and down his cheek. He immediately roundhouse kicked himself for breaking his promise. > [@](#): > > Chuck Norris has perfected faster-than-light travel. He won’t give the patent to NASA until all of their employees grow beards. > [@](#): > > Chuck Norris invented Jesus. He thought it would be give him a little breathing room. > [@](#): > > Chuck Norris wrote every episode of Walker - Texas Ranger. What some people don’t know is that he also wrote “Lick It Up” for the popular band KISS. Yeah, I’m STILL entertained. ---
**Author:** ![JimSox5](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b5a626/32.png) [@JimSox5](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JimSox5)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2005, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-facts-the-chuck-norris-edition/332859/7 "2005-11-27T03:56:06Z")
Pah, Chuck Norris still lost to Bruce Lee. And still would today. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![crowmanyclouds](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crowmanyclouds/32/19884_2.png) [@crowmanyclouds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/crowmanyclouds)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2005, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-facts-the-chuck-norris-edition/332859/8 "2005-11-27T04:06:29Z")
> [@](#): > > Chuck Norris parted the Red Sea and led the Israelites out of Egypt, not Moses. Jesus could only walk on water because it didn’t respect him enough to get out of his way. ;j > [@](#): > > The Biblical character Samson’s source of power was actually a toupee made from the clump of Chuck Norris’ chest hair that Bruce Lee ripped out in “Way of the Dragon.” The toupee is now worn by Donald Trump, and traces of the hair can also be found in Burt Reynold’s mustache. 😕 > [@](#): > > Chuck Norris once saw his reflection in the mirror and challenged himself to a deathmatch. This quandary caused the universe to implode. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Amaranta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Amaranta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amaranta)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2005, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-facts-the-chuck-norris-edition/332859/9 "2005-11-27T04:32:02Z")
Oh man. Perfect: > [@](#): > > Chuck Norris went on a drug trip with Raffi, which resulted in the lyrics for the song “Banana Phone”. > [@](#): > > Chuck Norris once traveled back in time to kill Hitler. The machine was poorly built (thank you Vin Diesel…) and so instead he had to assassinate John F. Kennedy. Chuck Norris was the other shooter from the grassy knoll. > [@](#): > > There is three ways to do things. The right way, the wrong way and the Chuck Norris way. The Chuck Norris way is just the wrong way but with more roundhouse kicks ---
**Author:** ![blondebear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blondebear/32/1022_2.png) [@blondebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blondebear)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2005, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-facts-the-chuck-norris-edition/332859/10 "2005-11-27T17:32:38Z")
He once set a powerboat world speed record from Chicago to Detroit. ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2005, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-facts-the-chuck-norris-edition/332859/11 "2005-11-27T19:53:48Z")
Chuck Norris once played Texas Hold ‘Em poker with George W. Bush Jr. and Bill Clinton. When President Bush asked how both Chuck Norris and Bill Clinton had played the ace of diamonds at the same time, Chuck Norris stood up and kicked Bill Clinton in the face for cheating. After George Bush noticed cards hidden in Chuck Norris’ pants pocket and yelled, “You’re cheating!” Chuck Norris stood up and kicked George Bush in the face for yelling in the presence of Chuck Norris. ---
**Author:** ![randomlyblanks](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/71c47a/32.png) [@randomlyblanks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/randomlyblanks)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2005, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-facts-the-chuck-norris-edition/332859/12 "2005-11-27T21:20:29Z")
The atomic bomb that hit Hiroshima was actually Chuck Norris’s most severe and deadly martial arts move. That day, he promised to never again do that move. A few days later, it was confirmed that Chuck Norris occasionally lies. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. ---
**Author:** ![tomndebb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b9e5f3/32.png) [@tomndebb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tomndebb)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2005, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-facts-the-chuck-norris-edition/332859/13 "2005-11-27T22:10:01Z")
> [@blondebear](#): > > He once set a powerboat world speed record from Chicago to Detroit. Yeah, but that was in 1991. In 1995, a Sheboygan, Wisconsin businessman, Mark Nemschoff, beat his record by about four hours. ---
**Author:** ![Dragwyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dragwyr/32/2855_2.png) [@Dragwyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dragwyr)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2005, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-facts-the-chuck-norris-edition/332859/14 "2005-11-28T02:07:31Z")
This is a true fact about Chuck Norris: My Karate instructor has fought him in tournament competition. From the link above: > [@](#): > > Chuck Norris Saved President Bush from choking on a pretzel by roundhouse kicking him in the throat. Chuck didn’t Realize he was choking, he just wanted to roundhouse kick him in the throat. ---
**Author:** ![crowmanyclouds](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crowmanyclouds/32/19884_2.png) [@crowmanyclouds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/crowmanyclouds)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2005, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-facts-the-chuck-norris-edition/332859/15 "2005-11-28T02:20:08Z")
Chuck Norris was the fifth Beatle, the tenth member of the Fellowship of the Ring, and wrote the Bible. Of course we don’t know this because Chuck Norris, being the humble soul he is, roundhouse kicked all knowledge of this out of existence. Chuck Norris created a circle with corners. Chuck Norris has been hired by the state of Louisiana to roundhouse kick hurricanes away from the state for the next decade. Chuck Norris is only vunerable to one thing: Spaghetti with sauce. If he even LOOKS at it, he will get a terrible rash. Meatballs, however, have no power against him. ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2005, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-facts-the-chuck-norris-edition/332859/16 "2005-11-28T02:25:44Z")
> [@Dragwyr](#): > > This is a true fact about Chuck Norris: > My Karate instructor has fought him in tournament competition. And your karate instructor soon there after died of roundhouse kick related injuries? ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2005, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-facts-the-chuck-norris-edition/332859/17 "2005-11-28T02:38:57Z")
Everytime you masturbate, Chuck Norris kills one more person. All these wasted years in my crusade against kittens. ---
**Author:** ![StGermain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stgermain/32/2868_2.png) [@StGermain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StGermain)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2005, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-facts-the-chuck-norris-edition/332859/18 "2005-11-28T02:40:39Z")
This is a true story. Chuck Norris was in Nashville promoting his last movie, or a book or something. The DJ for my radio station said that while Norris was in town promoting his movie “Delta Force”, the DJ mentioned that his son had loved Norris. The son was in the hospital in a coma from a car accident. After the radio gig, Norris went to the hospital and sat with the son for three hours, talking to him. No press, no publicity, just sitting there with a boy who couldn’t know he was there. The kid died later never having regained conciousness. I think a lot of Chuck Norris for that. It would’ve been cool if he’d roundhouse kicked the kid into conciousness, though. StG ---
**Author:** ![mobo85](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@mobo85](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mobo85)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2005, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-facts-the-chuck-norris-edition/332859/19 "2005-11-28T02:56:38Z")
Legend has it that during one of the scenes in _The Wizard of Oz_ where Dorothy and her friends sing “We’re Off To See The Wizard,” you can see one of the Munchkin actors hanging himself. This is incorrect. What you are actually seeing is Chuck Norris killing the Munchkin, the result of a drunken bar bet between friends. Norris had bet that he could sneak onto a movie set and kill one of the actors while the camera was still rolling. Recently, controversy erupted after it was revealed that HarperCollins had digitally removed a cigarette from a photograph of illustrator Clement Hurd in the classic children’s book _Goodnight Moon_. According to inside sources, the original plan was to replace the photograph with one of Chuck Norris. It is estimated that if the publisher had gone through with the change, sales would have increased 400%, based on the original 1957 version of _The Cat in the Hat_. More on that in the next fact. The first edition of _The Cat in the Hat_ ended with the Cat walking outside, where he was beaten to death by Chuck Norris, who also kills the children’s mother “so no one’s the wiser.” Showing that history repeats itself, this was the result of a drunken bar bet in which Norris claimed he could get himself into a published children’s book, which he did by posing as Ted “Dr. Seuss” Geisel’s assistant. Although Geisel loved the new ending, a rise in matricides and cat murderings, followed by a ASPCA boycott of all Random House books, led Geisel to change the ending to the now-familiar “Cat cleans up house, then disappears, leaving no one the wiser” ending. It is believed that Norris stayed on as Geisel’s assistant for a number of years, based on a rough draft in the Dr. Seuss archives titles _Eat Green Eggs and Ham or Chuck Norris Will Kick Your Ass_. Chuck Norris’s kicks do not echo, and nobody knows why.