# Random, hilarious lines from anything… **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [October 3, 2012, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547 "2012-10-03T03:11:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![blondebear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blondebear/32/1022_2.png) [@blondebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blondebear)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2012, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547/21 "2012-10-04T01:36:28Z")
And when I look upon your face I would that we were in some place Where you could be my pet My dove So live with me And be my vole. Be my vole? Hang on-- that can’t be right. (-K. Moon, “Poetry Cornered”) ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2012, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547/22 "2012-10-04T01:54:05Z")
Xena: “So…you prayed to Aphrodite for help from me?” Villager: “Well…no. Actually, I was hoping for Hercules. Or at least Sinbad!” ---
**Author:** ![Pine\_Fresh\_Scent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/43a26b/32.png) [@Pine\_Fresh\_Scent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pine_Fresh_Scent)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2012, 3:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547/23 "2012-10-04T03:28:03Z")
Bart: [Dad! You killed the zombie Flanders!](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jspw0597t7Y) Homer: He was a zombie? Homer: [Well, whaddya think, Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of “No TV and No Beer Make Homer something, something.”](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5yGJGTjV2WE&feature=player_detailpage#t=37s) Marge: Go crazy? Homer: DON’T MIND IF I DO! Kirk Van Houten: [I sleep in a racing car do you?](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nw6WPSUlKb0) Homer: I sleep in a big bed with my wife. Kirk: Oh, yeah. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2012, 3:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547/24 "2012-10-04T03:37:51Z")
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. ---
**Author:** ![Sodalite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/34f0e0/32.png) [@Sodalite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sodalite)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2012, 8:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547/25 "2012-10-04T08:52:31Z")
It was either this or bikini Boba Fett and I don’t think the world is ready for that kind of sexy. Hijinks Ensue This must be something I’ve always wanted. Otherwise, it wouldn’t suck so much to finally have it. Something Positive You never know when some crazed rodent with cold feet might be running loose in your pants. Calvin and Hobbes Darn, the yak is loose again. Get my bazooka. Okay, Okay, I take it back. Unfuck you. …and I’m not sure why, but I remember licking a toaster. It wasn’t mine. We’ve been through so much together and most of it was your fault. You’ve loved me in a way I’ve never been loved before…and I hope I never get loved like that again. No, it’s when fire comes out that you should worry. ---
**Author:** ![Nom\_de\_Plume](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/85f322/32.png) [@Nom\_de\_Plume](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nom_de_Plume)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2012, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547/26 "2012-10-04T19:03:48Z")
Homer: Hmmmm…Free goo. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2012, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547/27 "2012-10-04T20:17:29Z")
“Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.” “OK Mr. Burns, what’s your first name?” _pause_ “I don’t know.” ---
**Author:** ![Enright3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/enright3/32/2897_2.png) [@Enright3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enright3)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2012, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547/28 "2012-10-04T20:23:03Z")
Major League: Eddie Harris: “Are you trying to say Jesus Christ can’t hit a curve ball?” I would put a few down from The Princess Bride, but I’d have to quote the entire movie. ---
**Author:** ![Roadfood](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9fc348/32.png) [@Roadfood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Roadfood)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2012, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547/29 "2012-10-04T20:57:12Z")
> [@DMark](#): > > From the old Cosby Show spin off, Different World: > > Dewayne, trying to impress girl: > “I just signed a great record deal with Columbia Records.” > Girl, impressed, “Really!” > Dewayne, “Yep, I’m getting 12 CD’s for only a penny.” > > (Maybe these lines are showing my age, but back in the “old days” you would sign up for music CD’s and pay monthly, but get the first 12 CD’s for a penny…nevermind…you young’ins will never understand. It was funny at the time…) Ah, you kids are so funny. In my day, the deal was for 12 LPs . . . ---
**Author:** ![Quimby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/22d042/32.png) [@Quimby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quimby)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2012, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547/30 "2012-10-04T20:59:38Z")
“I’m sorry your mom blew up Ricky.” ---
**Author:** ![Gangster\_Octopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a8b319/32.png) [@Gangster\_Octopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gangster_Octopus)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2012, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547/31 "2012-10-04T21:35:12Z")
Lady Astor: Wnston, if you were my husband I would give you poison. Churchill: Nancy, if you were my wife I’d drink it. ---
**Author:** ![LawMonkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d6d6ee/32.png) [@LawMonkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LawMonkey)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2012, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547/32 "2012-10-04T21:38:08Z")
“Everyone generalizes from one example. At least, I do.” – Vlad Taltos, from Steven Brust’s _ **Issola** _ ---
**Author:** ![LawMonkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d6d6ee/32.png) [@LawMonkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LawMonkey)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2012, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547/33 "2012-10-04T21:39:08Z")
> [@Gangster\_Octopus](#): > > Lady Astor: Wnston, if you were my husband I would give you poison. > > Churchill: Nancy, if you were my wife I’d drink it. Madam, we’ve already established that. Now we’re haggling about price. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Devil_s_Grandmother)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2012, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547/34 "2012-10-04T21:59:38Z")
“One thing is for sure, the sheep is not a creature of the air. They have enormous difficulty in the comparatively simple act of perchin’. (Baaa baaa… flap flap flap … whoosh … thud.) Trouble is, sheep are very dim. Once they get an idea in their ‘eads, there’s no shiftin’ it.” – Monty Python ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2012, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547/35 "2012-10-04T22:12:47Z")
Saw the South Park episode with the _ **Jackin’ it in San Diego** _ song. Stan stripping down on the corner. The three singers reminded me of the Jordanaires, which made it even funnier to me. > **[South Park : Jacking it in San Diego lyrics](https://www.lyricsreg.com/lyrics/south+park/jacking+it+in+san+diego/)** > > Lyrics to 'Jacking it in San Diego' by South Park : I'm gonna' jack it where the sun always shines. / (He's gonna jack it) / Been spreading the word and now I need to ease my mind / (jackin' it, oh) / Been planting apple seeds, and while the apples... ---
**Author:** ![Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maggie_the_Ocelot)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2012, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547/36 "2012-10-04T23:01:00Z")
I swear, with God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly. ---
**Author:** ![Becky2844](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@Becky2844](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Becky2844)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2012, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547/37 "2012-10-05T00:25:29Z")
Sinbad talking about his mother beating the crap out of him. After it was all over she put her arm around his shoulders and said “Come on, honey. Let’s go look for your eye.” ---
**Author:** ![Sitnam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Sitnam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sitnam)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2012, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547/38 "2012-10-05T00:53:44Z")
> [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](#): > > I swear, with God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly. This quote has been cited many times in ‘funny lines’ threads. Since I’ve never seen WKRP in Cincinnati why is this funny? ---
**Author:** ![Jim\_s\_Son](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e19adc/32.png) [@Jim\_s\_Son](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jim_s_Son)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2012, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547/39 "2012-10-05T01:02:34Z")
> [@Sitnam](#): > > Saito: Do you know what will happen to me if the bridge is not built on time? > Nicholson: I haven’t the foggiest. > Saito: I’ll have to kill myself. What would you do if you were me? > Nicholson: I suppose if I were you, I’d have to kill myself. Cheers! Shears: Do your intelligence people know what happened to that Colonel Nicholson? Warden No Shears. The man had the guts of a maniac. The Japanese were about to shoot him and he didn’t bat an eyelash. Warden I suppose if you are about to be shot, there isn’t a great deal you can do. Groucho Marx “Duck Soup” I’ll see my lawyer about this as soon as he graduates from law school. ---
**Author:** ![zamboniracer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e9a140/32.png) [@zamboniracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zamboniracer)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2012, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547/40 "2012-10-05T01:05:50Z")
> [@Sitnam](#): > > This quote has been cited many times in ‘funny lines’ threads. Since I’ve never seen WKRP in Cincinnati why is this funny? I’m not going to spoiler it because the show was on 30 years ago. The episode was about WKRP’s Thanksgiving Day promotion. The station general manager, Arthur Carlson, had a supersecret sure fire promotional idea. It was so supersecret he didn’t share his idea with the station’s staff. The promotion involved a live broadcast from a shopping mall parking lot. Uptight news man Less Nessman was during the remote broadcast from the scene, while cool dj Johnny Fever hosted the show from back at the station. A helicopter flew over the lot and Nessman announced, small round objects had been released from the copter. The objects turned out to be live turkeys, who crashed landed into the parking lot. Nessman was aghast. Fever said, “They’re bombing the parking lot with turkeys!!” When Carlson got back to the station he said the immortal line, “With God as my witness I thought turkeys could fly.” It was hilarious. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547.md?page=3)