# Random, hilarious lines from anything… **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [October 3, 2012, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547 "2012-10-03T03:11:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![SykoSkotty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c0e974/32.png) [@SykoSkotty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SykoSkotty)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2012, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547/81 "2012-11-05T17:04:51Z")
“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.” -Frank Sinatra ---
**Author:** ![VOW](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/vow/32/3043_2.png) [@VOW](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VOW)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2012, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547/82 "2012-11-05T18:04:43Z")
“I can see Russia from my house!” ~VOW ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2012, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547/83 "2012-11-05T18:36:52Z")
“You can’t really…dust…for vomit.” -Nigel Tufnel ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Doom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Dr\_Doom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Doom)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2012, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547/84 "2012-11-05T18:38:50Z")
“Spock! Are you outta your Vulcan mind?!?” - Leonard McCoy ---
**Author:** ![HubZilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ccd318/32.png) [@HubZilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HubZilla)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2012, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547/85 "2012-11-05T19:14:50Z")
Zartan, disguised as a shock reporter, is shown the supercomputer at GI Joe headquarters Zartan: Couldn’t you use this computer to solve world hunger? Shipwreck: What, feed the world a bunch of floppy disks? ---
**Author:** ![Stark\_Raven\_Mad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Stark\_Raven\_Mad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stark_Raven_Mad)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2012, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547/86 "2012-11-05T19:45:41Z")
Burt Reynolds: “I’m sitting here with just a mustache and memories of last night.” ---
**Author:** ![Dendarii\_Dame](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bbce88/32.png) [@Dendarii\_Dame](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dendarii_Dame)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2012, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547/87 "2012-11-05T23:34:40Z")
“It was very good of the Almighty to let the Carlyles marry one another, for only two people were made miserable, instead of four.” Samuel Butler ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2012, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547/88 "2012-11-05T23:57:54Z")
There was a roar like the scream of a camel who has just seen two bricks. “We took pity on him because he’d lost both parents at an early age. I think that, on reflection, we should have wondered a bit more about that.” In fact, the mere act of opening the box will determine the state of the cat, although in this case there were three determinate states the cat could be in: these being Alive, Dead, and Bloody Furious. Pratchett is always good for this stuff. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2012, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547/89 "2012-11-06T03:38:11Z")
> [@silenus](#): > > There was a roar like the scream of a camel who has just seen two bricks. First of all, which book is that from? Second, what the hell does it mean? ---
**Author:** ![Battle\_Pope](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4bbf92/32.png) [@Battle\_Pope](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Battle_Pope)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2012, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547/90 "2012-11-06T04:01:07Z")
> [@Bohomite](#): > > From Blackadder Goes Forth > > Blackadder: ‘The British front is travelling slower than an athsmatic ant with some heavy shopping.’ Lieutenant George: Oh, sir, if we should happen to tread on a mine, what do we do? Captain Blackadder: Well, normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump up 200 feet into the air and scatter yourself over a wide area. > [@kaylasdad99](#): > > First of all, which book is that from? > > Second, what the hell does it mean? Probably this joke: > [@](#): > > As a merchant in the caravan business, Ahmed was well aware that a neutered camel can go longer and further without water than one which has not been neutered. But although he knew he was losing money, he couldn’t bear the thought of inflicting such pain on his lead camel, which was really more of a pet than a beast of burden. > > Walking through a bazaar one day he found the solution to his dilemma: a sign which read “CAMELS GELDED WITHOUT PAIN.” Making inquired of the stall’s proprietor, he was assured that the operation was quick and absolutely painless. There would be no suffering. A price was negotiated and the merchant returned the next day with his favorite camel in tow. The camel gelder picked up two bricks, > approached the camel from the rear, took aim, and smashed the bricks together with a sound like a thunderclap. With a bellow of agony, the camel collapsed to its knees. > > The merchant was horrified. “You promised it would be painless!” he cried, cradling his camel’s head. > > “Why it is,” explained the gelder, “as long as you don’t get your thumbs caught between the bricks.” ---
**Author:** ![Bad\_Penmanship](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e9c0ed/32.png) [@Bad\_Penmanship](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_Penmanship)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2012, 4:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547/91 "2012-11-06T04:15:20Z")
Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy But here’s my number, so call me maybe And all the other boys, try to chase But here’s my number, so call me maybe **Before you came into my life I missed you so bad I missed you so bad…** Funniest crap _I’ve_ ever heard. ---
**Author:** ![Monkey\_Chews](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/65b543/32.png) [@Monkey\_Chews](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monkey_Chews)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2012, 6:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547/92 "2012-11-06T06:42:38Z")
Never, Marge. Never. I can’t live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors - oh, I’ll never be the darling of the so-called “City Fathers” who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about “What’s to be done with this Homer Simpson?” ---
**Author:** ![Monkey\_Chews](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/65b543/32.png) [@Monkey\_Chews](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monkey_Chews)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2012, 7:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547/93 "2012-11-06T07:25:30Z")
Wadsworth: “You WERE jealous that your husband was schtupping Yvette. That’s why you killed him, too!” Mrs. White: "Yes. Yes, I did it. I killed Yvette. I hated her, SO much… it-it- the f - it -flam - flames. Flames, on the side of my face, breathing-breathl- heaving breaths. Heaving breaths… Heaving… " - _[Clue](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=92IkddsjtAA)_ ---
**Author:** ![zoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zoid/32/336_2.png) [@zoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoid)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2012, 7:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547/94 "2012-11-06T07:44:04Z")
> [@standingwave](#): > > My mom thinks LOL means lots of love so she texts me, “Your grandma died LOL.” Dear God I swear I just nearly choked on a piece of fried chicken when I read that! ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2012, 8:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547/95 "2012-11-06T08:11:52Z")
Judge: Have you reached a verdict? Juror: Yes, your honor. We find the defendant … quilty. Judge: Quilty? Juror [squints at note]: Oops, that’s guilty. Sorry, the g looks like a q. ---
**Author:** ![willthekittensurvive](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/91b2a8/32.png) [@willthekittensurvive](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/willthekittensurvive)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2012, 11:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547/96 "2012-11-06T11:31:55Z")
Father Ted: Now concentrate this time, Dougal. These [points to some plastic cows on the table] Father Ted: are very small; those [pointing at some cows out of the window] Father Ted: are far away… ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2012, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547/97 "2012-11-06T19:55:44Z")
Troy McClure: But for that ending to work, you’d have to ignore all the Simpson DNA evidence. And that would be downright nutty. ---
**Author:** ![sidecar\_jon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@sidecar\_jon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sidecar_jon)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2012, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547/98 "2012-11-06T21:32:02Z")
“if you cant find anything nice to say about anyone… wait til they have left the room…” ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Doom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Dr\_Doom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Doom)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2012, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547/99 "2012-11-06T21:33:51Z")
“Yeah! Like who _wouldn’t_ want a shower made out of gold?!” ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2012, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547/100 "2012-11-06T21:52:52Z")
Groo: You are too late to make a fool of Groo! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/random-hilarious-lines-from-anything/636547.md?page=6)