# Re-introducing Joey Hemlock, Man of Exquisite Taste and Beauty **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 6, 2002, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964 "2002-12-06T17:26:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![JoeyHemlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7ba0ec/32.png) [@JoeyHemlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoeyHemlock)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2002, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/21 "2002-12-06T18:47:06Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Anamorphic \* > \*\* (although I can’t swear to the kissing part… we’ve never kissed, despite what the papers say…). \*\* No, we never kissed. Not quite. Not that we didn’t want to, of course, but we just had so much going on, you with your writing and me selling plasma to keep my third nipple. The tension between us was palpable. If only, you know. If only. ---
**Author:** ![Anamorphic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/anamorphic/32/3057_2.png) [@Anamorphic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anamorphic)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2002, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/22 "2002-12-06T18:53:17Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by JoeyHemlock \* > \*\*No, we never kissed. Not quite. Not that we didn’t want to, of course, but we just had so much going on, you with your writing and me selling plasma to keep my third nipple. The tension between us was palpable. If only, you know. If only. \*\* Oh yes, the tension most definitely was palpable; I palped it once or twice myself, which left quite a mess, but nothing miracle cleaner didi-seven couldn’t take care of. But the fact remains… no kissing. BTW, Visa never did reposess your third nipple, did they? ---
**Author:** ![Jodi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7feea3/32.png) [@Jodi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jodi)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2002, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/23 "2002-12-06T18:53:50Z")
Welcome back, JOEY! Though I have never had what is clearly the supreme honor of meeting you, I may have (long distance) bought you an alcoholic beverage at a moose-signing event, depending on which Dopefest that refers to. In any event, you are an amusing little Michigander, and therefore you should stay and further promise never to leave again, never never, no, not ever. The women of the Straight Dope can now come out of mourning: JOEY HEMLOCK has returned! ---
**Author:** ![JoeyHemlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7ba0ec/32.png) [@JoeyHemlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoeyHemlock)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2002, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/24 "2002-12-06T18:55:47Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by LaurAnge \* > \*\*You know what’s weird, **Joey**? I never noticed that I never see you on the boards. _smooch_ \*\* Awwww, when you’re all sweet like that, it makes me think of how much I like you. Well except for your hatred of cilantro. I know the Cilantro Cartel killed your Uncle Jake, but don’t blame the herb, man. Cilantro doesn’t kill people… _Columbians_ kill people. ---
**Author:** ![Francesca](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/9fc348/32.png) [@Francesca](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Francesca)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2002, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/25 "2002-12-06T19:21:37Z")
Jack Black _wishes_ he was **Joey Hemlock**. Let it be known: I did on this day receive a postcard from one Joey Hemlock and it was good. Ooonst, I say, and ooonst I say again. Thrice oonst. ---
**Author:** ![GKW](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/d9b06d/32.png) [@GKW](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GKW)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2002, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/26 "2002-12-06T19:28:25Z")
Didn’t you star in a movie called _The Tao of Steve_? ---
**Author:** ![lno](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a8b319/32.png) [@lno](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lno)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2002, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/27 "2002-12-06T19:28:38Z")
Regrettably I must be a voice of dissent, and warn people against **Joey Hemlock** , specifically because of his irrational desire to punch me in the throat. It is for that reason alone that I have taken out a restraining order, preventing him from coming within 30 yards of me or posting in the same thread once I post. But, since this is his honorary welcome back thread, I withdraw that last condition. Mostly because he’ll threaten to punch me in the throat. ---
**Author:** ![imthjckaz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/imthjckaz/32/3223_2.png) [@imthjckaz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/imthjckaz)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2002, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/28 "2002-12-06T19:30:28Z")
Hi Joeybear. JoeyHemlock, the man that makes me laugh, even when I’m not looking at him. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![JoeyHemlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7ba0ec/32.png) [@JoeyHemlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoeyHemlock)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2002, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/29 "2002-12-06T19:33:40Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by scout1222 \* > **I of course subscribed when they decided to put me on the cover of the December '99 issue.** THAT WAS YOU? In the bowtie, giant diaper, and diving fins? That’s like my favorite issue ever! Was that REALLY Dennis Rodman with his hands over your nipples, or did they do that digitally somehow? ---
**Author:** ![JoeyHemlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7ba0ec/32.png) [@JoeyHemlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoeyHemlock)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2002, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/30 "2002-12-06T19:35:37Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Jessica2 \* > By Jessica, age 10 and a half. \*\* Uh oh. That’s going to make some of the fantasies I have about you a LOT creepier. And they were kinda creepy to begin with. ---
**Author:** ![bristlesage](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/edb3f5/32.png) [@bristlesage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bristlesage)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2002, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/31 "2002-12-06T19:36:39Z")
JoeyHemlock truly is a gentleman (but not too much so, oh, never) and a scholar (but not too much so, oh, never). He is our light in darkness and our leader in times of trouble. He has only good words for everyone, except people who are really bad like Hitler or Stalin or whoever the evil person is on “Survivor” this time. Like Jiminy Cricket, he will never steer you wrong. Let JoeyHemlock be your guide! [sub]Brought to you by the “JoeyHemlock Should Never Leave Dopers in the Dark Again” Coalition.[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![JoeyHemlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7ba0ec/32.png) [@JoeyHemlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoeyHemlock)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2002, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/32 "2002-12-06T19:42:53Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Eonwe \* > \*\* Huzzah to **JoeyHemlock**! 🙂 \*\* Once again, you’ve shown yourself to be a man of discriminating taste. It kinda makes me wonder how all those rumors about you got started. ---
**Author:** ![JoeyHemlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7ba0ec/32.png) [@JoeyHemlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoeyHemlock)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2002, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/33 "2002-12-06T19:46:13Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by lno \* > **Regrettably I must be a voice of dissent, and warn people against Joey Hemlock** Up yours, butt munch! I’m calling a fatwa on you! FATWA on **lno** : I called it! ---
**Author:** ![hardygrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a3d4f5/32.png) [@hardygrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hardygrrl)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2002, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/34 "2002-12-06T19:54:33Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Jessica2 \* > \*\*Joey Hemlock sucked on my nose once. > \*\* Nose? He sucked on my arm. Even after I drank some of his tequila. Damn DopeFests. I always end up with someone’s saliva on me… ---
**Author:** ![JoeyHemlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7ba0ec/32.png) [@JoeyHemlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoeyHemlock)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2002, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/35 "2002-12-06T19:54:42Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Jodi \* > \*\*In any event, you are an amusing little Michigander. > \*\* If you find a furlong-to-inches calculator and re-read my OP, you’ll find that “little” is not an adjective that describes me. And THANKS FOR THE BOOOOZE! at DTF! It was tasty. I smuggled a Dos Equis out of the restaurant because I was going to give it to someone needy, but then there were TWO needy guys who wanted it, so I had 'em fistfight for it. I ended up drinking it myself because the guy who lost just went down TOO easily, and I smelled a fix. Plus, what’s a fight without a beer? So, like I said, it was tasty. ---
**Author:** ![JoeyHemlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7ba0ec/32.png) [@JoeyHemlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoeyHemlock)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2002, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/36 "2002-12-06T20:04:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by GKW \* > \*\*Didn’t you star in a movie called _The Tao of Steve_? \*\* No, that was Donal Logue. [The Internet Movie Database](http://www.imdb.com) is your friend. I do, however, have many Steve-like (Stevesque?) qualities. In fact, if I smoked pot and got laid, I’d be _just like_ that guy. ---
**Author:** ![JoeyHemlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7ba0ec/32.png) [@JoeyHemlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoeyHemlock)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2002, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/37 "2002-12-06T20:09:43Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Francesca \* > \*\*Jack Black _wishes_ he was **Joey Hemlock**. > \*\* So true. Actually, though, it doesn’t look like he’s going to get the honor. His bid was just a little too low. The current forerunner to be me is MC Hammer. If his bid holds up, then he gets to be me. If not, then Manuel Noriega gets a shot, then Greta van Sustern. ---
**Author:** ![Gazelle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Gazelle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gazelle)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2002, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/38 "2002-12-06T20:13:34Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by JoeyHemlock \* > \*_My problems with Andie MacDowell have basically stemmed from the fact that she is a horrible horrible horrible actress. My right pinky is displaying more acting talent right now than the alleged Ms. MacDowell has shown in all of her performances combined_. I’d say that she has the emotional range of an airport tarmac, but that would be an insult to the fine union workers who constructed those tarmacs. > > And she does sort of just rub me the wrong way, too. > > \*My left pinky, however, _continues_ to be a disappointment and had better start picking it up a little if it wants to keep it’s gig. \*\* What I hate about her is the way she says “poetry.” “Poey-tree,” she says. Drives me bugnuts. Welcome back **Joey**! I remember you. Please see sig for information on who the heck I am. ---
**Author:** ![SCSimmons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e495f1/32.png) [@SCSimmons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SCSimmons)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2002, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/39 "2002-12-06T20:17:59Z")
Hrmm … > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by JoeyHemlock \* > **My turn-ons include … women rubbing one or more of their body parts against my crotch.** > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by JoeyHemlock \* > **My problems with Andie MacDowell … she does sort of just rub me the wrong way, too.** I think we can all figure out what Joey’s _real_ problem with Andie MacDowell is. Turned you down flat, didn’t she? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![JoeyHemlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7ba0ec/32.png) [@JoeyHemlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoeyHemlock)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2002, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/40 "2002-12-06T20:19:00Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Gazelle from Hell \* > **What I hate about her is the way she says “poetry.” “Poey-tree,” she says. Drives me bugnuts.** After she sang the pie song in Michael, I no longer wanted to eat pie for years. Bitch gotta pay for that, yo! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964.md?page=3)