# Re-introducing Joey Hemlock, Man of Exquisite Taste and Beauty **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 6, 2002, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964 "2002-12-06T17:26:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Joyfulgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f04885/32.png) [@Joyfulgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joyfulgirl)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2002, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/61 "2002-12-06T23:21:44Z")
Ha! Success 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Wicked\_Blue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/2acd7d/32.png) [@Wicked\_Blue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wicked_Blue)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2002, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/62 "2002-12-06T23:53:35Z")
Joey Baloney Likes to ride the pony His head is made of candy And his feet are macaroni. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Mermaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@The\_Mermaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mermaid)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2002, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/63 "2002-12-06T23:57:32Z")
Yes it won’t be long now before everyone submits to the gravitational pull of Joey’s head. I have never been hugged, licked, nibbles or brumski’d by Mr. Hemlock and I feel so deprived. :sobs: ---
**Author:** ![JoeyHemlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7ba0ec/32.png) [@JoeyHemlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoeyHemlock)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2002, 12:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/64 "2002-12-07T00:39:44Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Wicked Blue \* > \*\* (The Joey Baloney Song) \*\* PSHT! PSHT! ---
**Author:** ![JoeyHemlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7ba0ec/32.png) [@JoeyHemlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoeyHemlock)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2002, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/65 "2002-12-07T00:40:45Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by The Mermaid \* > \*\*I have never been hugged, licked, nibbles or brumski’d by Mr. Hemlock and I feel so deprived. :sobs: \*\* It’s alright! It’s okay! There’s something to live for! Jesus told me! ---
**Author:** ![Rasa](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rasa/32/3578_2.png) [@Rasa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rasa)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2002, 1:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/66 "2002-12-07T01:47:13Z")
I have incriminating photos of Mr. Hemlock doing unspeakable things to my scarf. Don’t let the sweetness and light routine fool you, he is a maneater. But I still loves me some **JoeyHemlock**! ---
**Author:** ![JoeyHemlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7ba0ec/32.png) [@JoeyHemlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoeyHemlock)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2002, 2:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/67 "2002-12-07T02:24:59Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Rasa \* > **I have incriminating photos of Mr. Hemlock doing unspeakable things to my scarf.** THAT SCARF LIES! It was COMPLETELY CONSENTUAL! ---
**Author:** ![Persephone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecc23a/32.png) [@Persephone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Persephone)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2002, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/68 "2002-12-07T04:46:40Z")
Ah, \*\*JoeyHemlock. \*\* I wanna be Joey when I grow up. _sigh_ So glad you’re back here, my friend. So glad. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![vix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/a88e4f/32.png) [@vix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vix)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2002, 4:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/69 "2002-12-07T04:52:12Z")
Joey kissed me! On the mouth! Neener neener. ---
**Author:** ![Flamsterette\_X](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/41988e/32.png) [@Flamsterette\_X](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flamsterette_X)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2002, 5:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/70 "2002-12-07T05:16:46Z")
Hmm. So I’m chopped liver, eh? I even said I’d like to meet you. (or words to that effect) I still like you a lot, though. Might even love you, for all that. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Tansu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/67e7ee/32.png) [@Tansu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tansu)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2002, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/71 "2002-12-07T15:13:50Z")
JoeyHemlock can count on my vote in the forthcoming elections. ---
**Author:** ![Hamadryad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6de8d8/32.png) [@Hamadryad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamadryad)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2002, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/72 "2002-12-07T15:16:19Z")
I am a twelve-year-old boy. I’ve said so on any number of occasions. AND…Joey lost his gum down my cleavage. Make of those two statements what you will. 3y3 0//n3rz j00!!!11 w00t, j03`/ |-|3//|\_0(|\ **Author:** ![Billdo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/billdo/32/315_2.png) [@Billdo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Billdo)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2002, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/73 "2002-12-07T16:18:55Z") I’m afraid I must dissent from this adulation of **JoeyHemlock**. You are all praising **JoeyHemlock** for how he appears now, a warm, caring, friend of man, defender of the oppressed, and giver of hugs. But how much do we really know of the past of **JoeyHemlock**? How can we be sure that **JoeyHemlock** hasn’t spent years as a Soviet spy, selling America’s nuclear secrets? Are we convinced that **JoeyHemlock** didn’t entice Patty Hearst into joining the SLA? Can we be certain that **JoeyHemlock** wasn’t the second shooter on the grassy knoll in Dallas? Do we have any proof that **JoeyHemlock** wasn’t Tokyo Rose, luring US sailors with misinformation? And has any found any evidence that **JoeyHemlock** wasn’t responsible for the sinking of the _Maine_ in Havana Harbor? **Remember the _Maine_!** Well **JoeyHemlock** what do you say to these questions? ---
**Author:** ![JoeyHemlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7ba0ec/32.png) [@JoeyHemlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoeyHemlock)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2002, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/74 "2002-12-07T17:02:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by vix \* > \*\*Joey kissed me! On the mouth! Neener neener. \*\* Yeah, but I kept my tongue in! I mean – _what the hell was I thinking?_ ---
**Author:** ![imthjckaz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/imthjckaz/32/3223_2.png) [@imthjckaz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/imthjckaz)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2002, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/75 "2002-12-07T17:02:54Z")
Hmm, very interesting **Billdo**. I have one question for you. Where were you on those occasions? Very wiley on your part to try and deflect suspicion from yourself and put on someone else. ---
**Author:** ![JoeyHemlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7ba0ec/32.png) [@JoeyHemlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoeyHemlock)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2002, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/76 "2002-12-07T17:10:04Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Persephone \* > \*\*I wanna be Joey when I grow up. \*\* An admirable goal, to be sure. But can you really commit to that? Do you have the energy – the unquenchable burning deep down in your stomach – to be a **JoeyHemlock**? It is not an easy thing to be. You must prepare yourself – mentally AND physically – for the being smart, the writing of postcards, the almost non-stop masturbation[sup]1[/sup]. No, it’s not an easy thing to be a **JoeyHemlock** , but if you _really_ put your mind to it, it can be rewarding experience that will change your life forever. I know it’s changed mine. [sup]1[/sup] - **JoeyHemlock** masturbates more before 9:00 am than most people masturbate _all day_ ---
**Author:** ![JoeyHemlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7ba0ec/32.png) [@JoeyHemlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoeyHemlock)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2002, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/77 "2002-12-07T17:13:42Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Tansu \* > \*\*JoeyHemlock can count on my vote in the forthcoming elections. \*\* And in return, **Tansu** can count on my smiting his enemies. Oh, trust me, they shall be smote. ---
**Author:** ![Mockingbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c68b51/32.png) [@Mockingbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mockingbird)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2002, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/78 "2002-12-07T17:17:26Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by JoeyHemlock \* > \*\*Beware of imitation Joey Hemlock. \*\* Don’t take any wooden Joey Hemlock. ---
**Author:** ![JoeyHemlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7ba0ec/32.png) [@JoeyHemlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoeyHemlock)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2002, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/79 "2002-12-07T17:17:38Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Flamsterette\_X \* > **Hmm. So I’m chopped liver, eh?** Chopped liver, huh? Can I get you at the deli for $3.69 per pound? And really, isn’t $3.69 a pound for chopped liver a bit excessive anyway? It’s not like the recipe is that much of a shocker: (1) take some liver. (2) chop it. (Fini) I mean, really! Anyway, I shall now take the form of sweet-and-sour cole slaw and we can meet, as you requested. I’m the next deli cooler over, two rows back (next to the three-bean salad). ---
**Author:** ![JoeyHemlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7ba0ec/32.png) [@JoeyHemlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoeyHemlock)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2002, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/80 "2002-12-07T17:19:52Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Hastur \* > \*\*Don’t take any wooden Joey Hemlock. \*\* Do not taunt happy Hemlock. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964.md?page=5)