# Re-introducing Joey Hemlock, Man of Exquisite Taste and Beauty **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 6, 2002, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964 "2002-12-06T17:26:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![JoeyHemlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7ba0ec/32.png) [@JoeyHemlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoeyHemlock)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2002, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/81 "2002-12-07T17:22:23Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Hamadryad \* > **Joey lost his gum down my cleavage.** The second-best thing I’ve ever lost down your cleavage, my dear Hama. Right after my virginity. ---
**Author:** ![JoeyHemlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7ba0ec/32.png) [@JoeyHemlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoeyHemlock)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2002, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/82 "2002-12-07T17:45:23Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Billdo \* > **I’m afraid I must dissent from this adulation of JoeyHemlock. Blah blah blah.** Let’s address your so-called “concerns” one-by-one, shall we? **How can we be sure that JoeyHemlock hasn’t spent years as a Soviet spy, selling America’s nuclear secrets?** - Giving them so-called information that I obtained while at my high-level post with the United States Nuclear Secrets Administration in exchange for really really really good vodka is not treasonous. It’s _good vodka_. Don’t you understand? Oh, and they were Estonian. **Are we convinced that JoeyHemlock didn’t entice Patty Hearst into joining the SLA?** - Yes, but the so-called SLA I was involved in was the _Symbiotic Liberation Army_ (an unfortunate organazation once we realized that the parasites and host organisms needed each other to survive). **Remember the Dax!**. **Can we be certain that JoeyHemlock wasn’t the second shooter on the grassy knoll in Dallas?** - The so-called “grassy knoll” was more CRAB-grassy than anything else, and less a knoll than a grassy hill, so your argument holds no merit. And, quite frankly, it smacks of racism and homophobia. Cite! Cite! **Do we have any proof that JoeyHemlockwasn’t Tokyo Rose, luring US sailors with misinformation?** - Okay, this so-called one was me. Mea Culpa. **And has any found any evidence that JoeyHemlock wasn’t responsible for the sinking of the _Maine_ in Havana Harbor?** - Oh geeze. Blow anything out of proportion lately? First of all, the so-called _Maine_ was a two-man kayak. Secondly, it was skinned with beaver pelts – _inferior Ecudoran beaver pelts_. Thirdly, it wasn’t me, or if it was it was only because it was the only thing standing in the way of my twelve-years-in-the-making information-for-vodka deal. ---
**Author:** ![Jessity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c67d28/32.png) [@Jessity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jessity)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2002, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/83 "2002-12-07T17:56:48Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by JoeyHemlock \* > > **Do we have any proof that JoeyHemlockwasn’t Tokyo Rose, luring US sailors with misinformation?** - Okay, this so-called one was me. Mea Culpa. Oh, that’s it. We are _ **so** _ done. ---
**Author:** ![Mockingbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c68b51/32.png) [@Mockingbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mockingbird)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2002, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/84 "2002-12-07T19:15:01Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by JoeyHemlock \* > \*\*Do not taunt happy Hemlock. \*\* Taunt. Taunt. Taunt. ---
**Author:** ![Persephone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecc23a/32.png) [@Persephone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Persephone)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2002, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/85 "2002-12-07T20:02:40Z")
> [@](#): > > You must prepare yourself – mentally AND physically – for the being smart, the writing of postcards, the almost non-stop masturbation1. 1. Being smart: Um…well…okay, I’m not. 2. Postcards: Um…well…okay, I don’t do that either. I did send a couple from the last OhDope, though. Does that count? 3. Masturbation: Got that down to an art. 😃 But that’s only one out of three. If I paid you, would you tutor me? ---
**Author:** ![Scotticher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9c0ed/32.png) [@Scotticher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scotticher)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2002, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/86 "2002-12-07T22:18:19Z")
Joey Dearest… I freely admit I didn’t read this whole thread. I know, I know…I am a bad girl. I skipped it because I am not myself at this point, but I wanted to give you a huggle and welcome you back because I love you. That’s all. My Love, Cheri ---
**Author:** ![Nocturne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/9fc348/32.png) [@Nocturne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nocturne)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2002, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/87 "2002-12-07T22:33:32Z")
Yeah, yeah, Joey Hemlock, the guy who won’t visit me, but thinks that a poor college student like me can come visit HIM. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Tansu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/67e7ee/32.png) [@Tansu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tansu)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2002, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/88 "2002-12-07T23:29:19Z")
I’m a lass. Ask **Francesca** , she’s seen me. But you can call me what you like so long as you smite my enemies. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Daerlyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/898d66/32.png) [@Daerlyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daerlyn)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2002, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/89 "2002-12-08T02:00:26Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Scotticher \* > \*\*Joey Dearest… > > I freely admit I didn’t read this whole thread. I know, I know…I am a bad girl. > > I skipped it because I am not myself at this point, but I wanted to give you a huggle and welcome you back because I love you. > > That’s all. > > My Love, > > Cheri \*\* yeah, well _I_ read it. All of it. Even this post. Neener. 🙂 Just kiddin’. (Well, I really did read all of it, but I will firmly defend your freedom not to do so. I just like being a pain.) **Joey!** My nose has been a fine source of epidermis for years now! Come partake. ---
**Author:** ![Flamsterette\_X](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/41988e/32.png) [@Flamsterette\_X](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flamsterette_X)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2002, 5:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/90 "2002-12-08T05:39:55Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by JoeyHemlock \* > \*\*Chopped liver, huh? Can I get you at the deli for $3.69 per pound? And really, isn’t $3.69 a pound for chopped liver a bit excessive anyway? It’s not like the recipe is that much of a shocker: (1) take some liver. (2) chop it. (Fini) I mean, really! > > Anyway, I shall now take the form of sweet-and-sour cole slaw and we can meet, as you requested. I’m the next deli cooler over, two rows back (next to the three-bean salad). \*\* Actually, you weren’t in that sweet-and-sour pork I ate tonight at the Chinese restuarant, were you? Because if you were, that would be… indescribable. F\_X ---
**Author:** ![Tir\_Tinuviel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bc79bd/32.png) [@Tir\_Tinuviel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tir_Tinuviel)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2002, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/91 "2002-12-08T13:59:34Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Tansu \* > \*\*I’m a lass. Ask **Francesca** , she’s seen me. But you can call me what you like so long as you smite my enemies. 😉 \*\* I can second that. **Tansu** is indeed a girlie, and was flaunting her rather nice breastiges at the Tigg-fest to prove it. Bad Joey, you almost missed that one, lucky we put you straight. You must check these things carefully, else you miss out on more boobage! 😉 Smooooch me! I saved you titties! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Mockingbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c68b51/32.png) [@Mockingbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mockingbird)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2002, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/92 "2002-12-08T17:26:39Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by JoeyHemlock \* > \*\*Do not taunt happy Hemlock. \*\* Taunt. Taunt. Taunt. ---
**Author:** ![JoeyHemlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7ba0ec/32.png) [@JoeyHemlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoeyHemlock)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2002, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/93 "2002-12-08T21:14:03Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by Scotticher \* > \*\* I know, I know…I am a bad girl._\* Someone is just BEGGING for a spanking. AND THAT SOMEONE IS ME. Love ya, **Scotti**. Hope to see you again soon! ---
**Author:** ![JoeyHemlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7ba0ec/32.png) [@JoeyHemlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoeyHemlock)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2002, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/94 "2002-12-08T21:19:58Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Nocturne \* > **Yeah, yeah, Joey Hemlock, the guy who won’t visit me.** Ah ha! AH HA! Is THAT the story you’re telling? Huh? Why don’t you tell 'em about the REAL story? Third nipples are ILLEGAL in 'Bama and that YOU DIDN’T VETO THAT LAW WHEN YOU HAD THE CHANCE! You know, when you were the Governor. Of Alabama. Am I thinking of someone else? ---
**Author:** ![JoeyHemlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7ba0ec/32.png) [@JoeyHemlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoeyHemlock)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2002, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/95 "2002-12-08T21:21:29Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Tansu \* > \*\*I’m a lass. Ask **Francesca** , she’s seen me. But you can call me what you like so long as you smite my enemies. 😉 \*\* If you’re a girl, then I’ll smite your enemies anyway. 🙂 Girls are, like, my favorite. They have boobs and they smell nice. ---
**Author:** ![JoeyHemlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7ba0ec/32.png) [@JoeyHemlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoeyHemlock)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2002, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/96 "2002-12-08T21:29:20Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Daerlyn \* > \*\ ***Joey!** My nose has been a fine source of epidermis for years now! Come partake. \*\* Your nose is like a tiny little mountain of heaven. I have named your nose to be the winner of the **Daerlyn Partakible Parts Pageant**. I will partake of them in NYC soon. Your boobs have been named first runner up, so if your nose is in any way unable to fulfill it’s duties (congestion, redness, chapping, deviated septum), then the first runner up will be promoted to the top spot. ---
**Author:** ![JoeyHemlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7ba0ec/32.png) [@JoeyHemlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoeyHemlock)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2002, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/97 "2002-12-08T21:36:18Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Tir Tinuviel \* > \*\*Smooooch me! I saved you titties! 😃 \*\* Smooch you? Hell, that’s worth _knighting_ you for\*. I dub thee **_Sir_ Tir Tinuviel, Protector of Boobies**. But, you know, smooches are good, too. I’ll do it! \*Even though you’re a woman. It’s the 21st Century after all… ---
**Author:** ![JoeyHemlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7ba0ec/32.png) [@JoeyHemlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoeyHemlock)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2002, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/98 "2002-12-08T21:37:59Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Hastur \* > \*\*Taunt. Taunt. Taunt. \*\* Why must you hurt me? ---
**Author:** ![Tir\_Tinuviel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bc79bd/32.png) [@Tir\_Tinuviel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tir_Tinuviel)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2002, 10:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/99 "2002-12-08T22:36:35Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by JoeyHemlock \* > \*_Smooch you? Hell, that’s worth knighting you for_. I dub thee **_Sir_ Tir Tinuviel, Protector of Boobies**. > > But, you know, smooches are good, too. I’ll do it! > > \*Even though you’re a woman. It’s the 21st Century after all… \*\* Whoooohoooo! _offers her breast for Joey to pin a medal too…_ 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Tir\_Tinuviel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bc79bd/32.png) [@Tir\_Tinuviel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tir_Tinuviel)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2002, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964/100 "2002-12-08T22:38:45Z")
Damn drunken posting, there should of course only be one ‘o’ in to… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/re-introducing-joey-hemlock-man-of-exquisite-taste-and-beauty/140964.md?page=6)