# Read my wedding toast **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 19, 2007, 4:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/read-my-wedding-toast/423271 "2007-10-19T04:22:49Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![SlickRoenick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e68b1a/32.png) [@SlickRoenick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SlickRoenick)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2007, 4:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/read-my-wedding-toast/423271/1 "2007-10-19T04:22:49Z")
20 October 2007 my younger brother is getting married. I’m his Pretty-Good Man and will be doing the 3rd speech/toast at the reception after the Father of Bride and Maid of Honor. Let me know what you think of it. > [@](#): > > I suppose a lot of you, the audience, saw the cast of characters while we were in the chapel and noticed I was titled as “Pretty Good Man” rather than Best Man. Basically it comes from an old Seinfeld joke that my brother and I had always liked. The title of Best Man just seemed a bit much, ya know, BEST MAN! If I was the best man, why isn’t she marrying me? My brother is actually the best man here today, considering he just married a beautiful and smart woman. > > Yeah, he found a good pick. And I would know too; I’ve known Katie longer than he has from back in the high school days. Katie and I went to her senior prom together and she now has ended up with him, I don’t know where the hell I went wrong. Katie, I’m very happy you are in the family now. It feels good to have someone else as smart as I am to help make up for Uncle Hal. Just kidding’—where’s he sitting? I gotta stay away from that table. . . > > And Steve, stupid Stevie—Donk. Hey, do you remember when I accidentally shot you with my bb gun some 12 years ago when I thought it was empty? You were crying and I kept telling you “Don’t tell mom! She’ll take both our guns away!” Yeah, I look back and laugh because she’ll never know about it. Whoops. Look at you now all grown up and married and making more money than me. You gonna score tonight? Damn right man, bones! I’m sure Katie will remember the advice I gave her a couple months ago when I snuck that index card into her advice basket during her bridal shower. I can’t repeat it here, obviously. So, growing up, I’m sure that I annoyed you, pestered you, and pissed you off to no end sometimes. I want you to know, that I plan to continue whether you are married or not. > > So here’s to the 2nd and 3rd best Guitar Heroes that I know. And Katie, I hope my brother turns out to be a better roommate to you than he was to me. Bless you both. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2007, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/read-my-wedding-toast/423271/2 "2007-10-19T18:22:07Z")
Humm… Do you have to insult him so much? There will be people from her family who may really never see him again and this is the impression of your brother you want to give them? Also, don’t talk about you. You taking her to the prom. I know you are trying to say your brother has a good life going for him but saying how he makes more money than you and such is not a good way to say it. The part about him scoring tonight-out. ---
**Author:** ![askeptic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/eb9ed0/32.png) [@askeptic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/askeptic)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2007, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/read-my-wedding-toast/423271/3 "2007-10-19T18:29:15Z")
I really really don’t like it. This is a solemn wonderfull occasion about them. Why are you trying to crack jokes? Why do you talk mainly about yourself? The focus should just be the bride and groom and the hopefully beautiful future they are going to share. YMVs I guess. My two cents that I only offer because you asked. ---
**Author:** ![Santo\_Rugger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@Santo\_Rugger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Santo_Rugger)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2007, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/read-my-wedding-toast/423271/4 "2007-10-19T18:37:30Z")
I think it’s great. But I’m pretty cynical in general, and find lots of things hilarious others don’t. It sort of reminds me of the toast that ends with “I fucked her first”. I tried to google it, but couldn’t find it. ---
**Author:** ![yellowval](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/919ad9/32.png) [@yellowval](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yellowval)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2007, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/read-my-wedding-toast/423271/5 "2007-10-19T18:37:33Z")
I think the first part is pretty good. I expected it to get more serious after the initial joke, but it just kind of derailed. The last part is actually pretty decent, too, with the Guitar Hero and being a better roommate. I’d recommend scrapping the whole third paragraph, though, and instead saying something like … “When my brother met Katie, they hit it off instantly” or whatever, and talk about how their relationship has blossomed. Then just say you wish them the best and know they’ll have a wonderful life together. If you do nothing else, leave out the insult to Uncle Hal and the sex reference. ---
**Author:** ![A.R.Cane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ee7513/32.png) [@A.R.Cane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/A.R.Cane)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2007, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/read-my-wedding-toast/423271/6 "2007-10-19T18:43:44Z")
Yeah, I’d say play down the jokes and be more flattering to the bride and groom. Forget any mention of you and the bride, it’s really tacky. Here’s a cute one I’ve seen used. You gat a handful of old keys and pass them out to all the young women, age appropriate to the groom, and one to a much older woman who the groom knows, a neighbor, friend, maybe even the bride’s mother, if she’s a good sport. Then, before your toast, you announce that the groom is officially off the market and he has authorized you to collect house keys, for his home, from all who have them. After all the younger women have brought you the keys, you look around and ask if that’s all, then the older woman comes forward w/ the last key. You should keep the ribbing so outrageous that everyone knows it’s all in fun. Mention of actual incidents, especially between you and the bride, may be misunderstood and create an akward situation. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2007, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/read-my-wedding-toast/423271/7 "2007-10-19T18:51:55Z")
My best man tried to do the Key joke, but only one person stepped forward, the rest thought the joke was too tacky. Your speach reminds me of this thread. > **[I just realized how fucked up my family is, including me.](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=440621)** > > I installed a baby-gate to keep the one year old out of the kitchen. My grandfather was impressed with the workmanship, and I was pretty proud of it. It was my first real all-on-my-own home improvement type project, and his comment was “When I saw... ---
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2007, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/read-my-wedding-toast/423271/8 "2007-10-19T18:59:58Z")
Some funny stuff in there. Aside from the oogy reference to “scoring,” I think it’s fine, depending on your family and her family’s temperaments. For some families, this would be comedy gold. For others, it would be a lot of uncomfortable silence and courtesy laughs. ---
**Author:** ![Beadalin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Beadalin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beadalin)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2007, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/read-my-wedding-toast/423271/9 "2007-10-19T19:02:47Z")
I really like the first and last paragraphs. As for the stuff in between… Do not imply that if you’d played your cards right, you’d be marrying the bride. Do not in any way imply that you’ve slept with the bride, nor that you offered her advice on how to perform on her wedding night. “Are you going to score tonight”? Are you kidding me? Please remember that the toast is about both the bride and the groom. Moreover, the bride’s family will (I assume) be there. You may consider it all in good fun to refer to how they’re _totally going to do IT_ tonight, but her dear old auntie will think you’re more than a little crass. Be genteel. Be sincere. Be brief. ---
**Author:** ![chappachula](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d2c977/32.png) [@chappachula](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chappachula)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2007, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/read-my-wedding-toast/423271/10 "2007-10-19T19:18:18Z")
Don’t mention that you took Katie to the prom .(It implies you had sex with her first) What’s okay for a speech at a stag party, isn’t okay at the formal reception. Same goes for the rude reference to “scoring”, and the mysterious advice on the index card.) And cut out the whole paragraph about the bb gun. How about rephrasing it to “I knew Katie back in high shool, and introduced her to Steve/ helped her get to know Steve”. So at least I finally succeeded in doing something good for my brother, after all those years of tormenting him and shooting bb guns at each other." Then add those last two sentences, which are really nice. ---
**Author:** ![Kythereia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e8c25b/32.png) [@Kythereia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kythereia)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2007, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/read-my-wedding-toast/423271/11 "2007-10-19T19:46:22Z")
With all due respect, your speech sounds like something a guy would say at a wedding… while completely slurring-and-falling-on-his-ass drunk, just before he’s about to get kicked out / disowned from the family forever / both. And this > [@](#): > > You gonna score tonight? Damn right man, bones! I’m sure Katie will remember the advice I gave her a couple months ago when I snuck that index card into her advice basket during her bridal shower. I can’t repeat it here, obviously. is just tasteless. Rewrite it. Don’t even think about mentioning sex. Don’t try so hard to be funny. Keep it brief, and stick to praising your brother and his new bride–that’s all you have to do. ---
**Author:** ![chappachula](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d2c977/32.png) [@chappachula](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chappachula)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2007, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/read-my-wedding-toast/423271/12 "2007-10-19T19:55:55Z")
[QUOTE=Kythereia] With all due respect, your speech sounds like something a guy would say.. **while completely slurring-and-falling-on-his-ass drunk** , just before he’s get kicked out / disowned from the family forever [/QUOTE] oh yeah–one more thing: remember that somebody is recording all this. Don’t make an ass of yourself–you may feel really, really embarrassed a few years from now when you sit through a replay of it. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2007, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/read-my-wedding-toast/423271/13 "2007-10-19T19:57:04Z")
You come across as jealous and bitter, and snide jokes about sex are a bit crude. Tone it down. ---
**Author:** ![sugar\_and\_spice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e8c25b/32.png) [@sugar\_and\_spice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sugar_and_spice)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2007, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/read-my-wedding-toast/423271/14 "2007-10-19T20:22:02Z")
IMHO, you don’t need to try to make jokes, you really don’t. _Especially_ if they’re pre-fab jokes you can get off the internet (“Place your hand top of hers …”) . Just say something nice and sincere and charming, and if people laugh great but if they just smile thats fine too. Better than grimacing awkwardly. I did a speech 2 weekends ago, I said at one point “I’m glad Becky found someone as fun as she is”, and you know what, people actually laughed at that! They’re drunk, they’re in a good mood, they’re not hard to please. Short and sweet. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2007, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/read-my-wedding-toast/423271/15 "2007-10-19T22:49:36Z")
People! It’s not like he doesn’t know them!!! It all depends on what kind of couple they are and what kind of wedding it is. If everyone’s going all hushed and serious like someone just died (I hate those weddings), then it’s probably not such a hot toast. However, if it’s a fun group and the bride and groom know you to be “that guy” and everyone’s celebrating the wedding as a joyous occasion, then I say go for it. The crowd and the couple will appreciate it. ---
**Author:** ![Beadalin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Beadalin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beadalin)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2007, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/read-my-wedding-toast/423271/16 "2007-10-20T00:35:17Z")
I disagree, **Kalhoun**. Knowing the couple is one thing, knowing the vibe of everyone in attendance is another, and knowing that everyone in attendance will get a kick out of the OP’s specific brand of crassness is still another. The entire point of a toast is to unite the room in wishing the toastee(s) well. I can’t imagine many wedding receptions where the whole room will want to drink to the groom “scoring” and the OP’s unspecified (that God) tips for the bride. It’s just… so painfully, unnecessarily tacky. Ugh. The sentiments the OP is expressing could be really funny, if delivered in private to the couple. They become embarrassing when delivered to a crowd. Also, **SlickRoenick** , do you plan on memorizing your toast, or reading it? Do you drink? Keep in mind that the more complex/longwinded your toast, the harder it’s going to be to remember – especially after a long, emotional day and a few drinks. Keep it simple (and don’t call your brother stupid). ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2007, 12:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/read-my-wedding-toast/423271/17 "2007-10-20T00:39:15Z")
I think you should sing the toast. \*Will his love be like his rum, Yes it will, yes it will, Intoxicating all night long, Yes it will, yes it will, everybody! Drink, drink this toast, Drink this wedding toast, Drink oh drink this toast, To the two we love the most…\* ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2007, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/read-my-wedding-toast/423271/18 "2007-10-20T00:45:43Z")
Please, I beg of you, change this. Remember that peoples grannies and old aunties will be in the room. It’s not a roast, it’s a wedding toast. It’s not that hard. Quit trying to be funny and edgy and try being sincere and flattering. I worked as a caterer for a lot of years and attended literally hundreds of weddings. I’ve seen this happen more than once. No, it won’t go over well. No one will think you are funny. Everyone will think you are an ass. Each joke will be met with uncomfortable silence, everyone in the room will be embarrassed for you. And no, I don’t think ‘knowing’ the people well will make any difference. It’s not about how well you know them, it’s about whether or not you know what is appropriate in context of a wedding. It would seem you do not. Do this and I promise your speech will be all anyone talks about after, and not in a good way. It also guarantees that your speech will be fast forwarded through each time they show/view the video. Please reconsider. ---
**Author:** ![Elysium](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/3be4f8/32.png) [@Elysium](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elysium)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2007, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/read-my-wedding-toast/423271/19 "2007-10-20T00:50:37Z")
I agree that you should keep the sex part out of it. I was at a wedding and the best man made tons of tacky references to getting drunk and partying all night long with the groom. The audience felt awkward and the bride looked mortified. I can’t imagine how I’d feel if someone asked me if my groom was gonna “score” that night. I’d probably be furious. The bride’s parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles are there to celebrate and I can’t imagine older relatives would be comfortable with that. But as it’s been said, you know the bride and groom and we don’t. I have to say, as a guest or a bride I’d rather a sweet, short toast than a bawdy ripping of the couple. ---
**Author:** ![SlickRoenick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e68b1a/32.png) [@SlickRoenick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SlickRoenick)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2007, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/read-my-wedding-toast/423271/20 "2007-10-20T02:45:12Z")
Just got back from the rehearsal and i’m reading through all these replies. Thanks for the feedback and for saving me ahead of from time the shame. I’ve only been to 3 weddings, yes 3. And i don’t remember them well enough so that’s why i came here. Your comments are duly noted and i will definitely make changes. **Beadalin** , no i don’t drink much at any function since i can only deal with so much alcohol before i go back to the sodas, but i will be memorizing it beforehand. **ivylass** , the bitter/jealous thing was something that i was thinking about as i wrote it. I wasn’t sure if it would come off that way or not, but i am glad you pointed it out so that i can change it to get rid of that part. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/read-my-wedding-toast/423271.md?page=2)