# Real life "de-friending'...how do you do it? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 21, 2014, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/real-life-de-friending-how-do-you-do-it/696051 "2014-08-21T00:45:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![RivkahChaya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rivkahchaya/32/8919_2.png) [@RivkahChaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RivkahChaya)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2014, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/real-life-de-friending-how-do-you-do-it/696051/21 "2014-08-23T21:40:18Z")
We don’t know what she’s doing. Maybe she keeps grabbing the gear shift and trying to put the car in reverse in traffic, and thinks it’s hilarious. Maybe she’s coming onto him, and he knows how Jesus feels about sex outside marriage. ---
**Author:** ![AnaMen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@AnaMen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnaMen)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2014, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/real-life-de-friending-how-do-you-do-it/696051/22 "2014-08-23T22:13:13Z")
The OP says the behavior is “odd,” not life endangering. Unwanted sexual advances could qualify, but wouldn’t Jesus think that’s all the more reason to get her to church, pray for her, etc.? ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2014, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/real-life-de-friending-how-do-you-do-it/696051/23 "2014-08-23T22:31:05Z")
> [@AnaMen](#): > > What kind of religion does not dictate what constitutes appropriate behavior from its followers? > > If you can’t do what your deity has probably spelled out in some kind of scripture for you, maybe it’s time to rethink your beliefs. Perhaps this is the test that the creator has sent for the OP. Taking this unpleasant woman to church could be your key to the gates. ---
**Author:** ![Ranger\_Jeff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranger_jeff/32/2065_2.png) [@Ranger\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger_Jeff)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2014, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/real-life-de-friending-how-do-you-do-it/696051/24 "2014-08-23T22:37:53Z")
I submit that examples of the woman’s behaviour might be helpful. Not to say that the speculation isn’t amusing. ---
**Author:** ![RivkahChaya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rivkahchaya/32/8919_2.png) [@RivkahChaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RivkahChaya)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2014, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/real-life-de-friending-how-do-you-do-it/696051/25 "2014-08-23T23:05:11Z")
> [@Ranger\_Jeff](#): > > I submit that examples of the woman’s behaviour might be helpful. Not to say that the speculation isn’t amusing. Oh, come on, Jeff. Speculation is way, way more fun. Like, the tulips for his organ, y’know. ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2014, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/real-life-de-friending-how-do-you-do-it/696051/26 "2014-08-24T02:01:03Z")
I too feel the need to know more: How long is the drive to church with her in the car? Does the fact that you give her a ride mean that she is encouraged to seek you out in other situations, or is the weekly ride your only encounter with her? How crazy is crazy and what specifically does she say or do? Assuming it’s only a 15 minute drive with her once a week and teh crazy is manageable, like some of the other posters upthread I wonder why you wouldn’t do the “Christian” thing and just put up with it. And BTW you don’t have to literally be a follower of the church’s teachings to be nice to people - I’m a hard-core atheist, and I think the New Testament got the morality thing right most of the time. Another possibility that I haven’t seen mentioned yet: could you start giving rides to one or more additional people? This could possibly have the effect of diluting her crazy - if she’s only one of 4 people in the car, instead of just the two of you. Or, perhaps you could fill your car up with people who need rides more urgently than she does - “sorry, but I know you can get a ride to church from Jeffrey; whereas Linda, Frank, and Evelyn have to take a taxi if I don’t give them a ride, so I’d like to spare them the expense and inconvenience.” ---
**Author:** ![Odesio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/odesio/32/20003_2.png) [@Odesio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Odesio)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2014, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/real-life-de-friending-how-do-you-do-it/696051/27 "2014-08-24T02:07:19Z")
I defriended someone I used to play D&D with recently. I eventually found that his behavior was annoying to the point where it made playing the game a chore rather than something I could have fun doing. I sent him an email detailing the behaviors that I found annoying, warned him that he was alienating the other people he games with, and told him that he was no longer welcome to sit at any table where I was the GM. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2014, 12:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/real-life-de-friending-how-do-you-do-it/696051/28 "2014-08-24T12:29:38Z")
Having witnessed the behavior of many gamers, I’d love to see that list. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2014, 1:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/real-life-de-friending-how-do-you-do-it/696051/29 "2014-08-24T13:36:21Z")
I wonder what she’d say of she read this? (…or would she just play the Mets rally on the organ during communion?) ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2014, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/real-life-de-friending-how-do-you-do-it/696051/30 "2014-08-24T13:43:54Z")
\*if Darn tapatalk pop ups ---
**Author:** ![RivkahChaya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rivkahchaya/32/8919_2.png) [@RivkahChaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RivkahChaya)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2014, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/real-life-de-friending-how-do-you-do-it/696051/31 "2014-08-24T14:09:21Z")
> [@Count\_Blucher](#): > > I wonder what she’d say of she read this? > > (…or would she just play the Mets rally on the organ during communion?) AKA, “the 7th inning stretch.” ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2014, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/real-life-de-friending-how-do-you-do-it/696051/32 "2014-08-24T14:11:26Z")
> [@Acsenray](#): > > Having witnessed the behavior of many gamers, I’d love to see that list. Seriously. Looting a dungeon reaps rewards, so stealing from other players gets glossed over. Bragging and Bloviating seem common, but how dare you call people on their hypocrasy and BS? I’ve dumped gamers for claiming lie after lie after lie, just to see what would stick. But seriously, I’ve been far happier after because being rid of a thief or a minion or a nostril-fuck just allows for a better gaming experience . ---
**Author:** ![Odesio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/odesio/32/20003_2.png) [@Odesio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Odesio)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2014, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/real-life-de-friending-how-do-you-do-it/696051/33 "2014-08-24T14:45:25Z")
> [@Acsenray](#): > > Having witnessed the behavior of many gamers, I’d love to see that list. Well here’s the short list of the most offensive behavior the last night I gamed with him. It was the last night of the campaign but before we started we had a short conversation about the impending Star Wars campaign. 1. When I attempted to get the game started he ignored me, kept speaking about Star Wars character concepts making it impossible for me to start the game, and ignored the protestations of his fellow players who insisted that Star Wars wasn’t the game being played that night. 2. When Susy got tired of that she demanded the Star Wars RPG book he was reading, but, like a petulant child, he refused to surrender it even though it was her book. This marks the first time in my life I’ve seen woman treat a grown man like a child by counting to three to get him to comply. 3. When people asked him direct questions his replies were nonsensical and it was unclear whether he understood what was being discussed. While he was probably aiming for amusing he ended up at irksome instead. 4. He was consistently unaware of what was going on in the game. He would frequently comment that the group should go do X and I would reply with “You’re doing X right now.” or “You already did X.” So the next day I sent an email to him and the entire group outlining the negative behavior I’ve observed over the years. Yes, I sent it out to the whole group because his behavior affected everyone. > [@Odesio](#): > > I know you really enjoy role playing games and I want you to consider the following: You have a pattern of behavior that is alienating the people you game with. This seems like a good email for lists so here are some idiosyncratic patterns of yours that can be wearisome for GMs and your fellow players. And just to be clear this is a pattern of behavior I’ve observed over the course of various games over the years and not necessarily something I saw in the D&D campaign. > > 1. Wandering Character Abilities: From week to week I never know what your character is capable of doing. This week he might have one set of skills and the next week an entirely different set. In the more extreme examples your character has been entirely rebuilt between game sessions. This is particularly vexing to a GM attempting to plan scenarios and doesn’t endear you to the other players. > > 2. Genre Deafness: Frequently you are the odd man out when it comes to interpreting the tone of a campaign setting. When I ran GURPS: Delta Green I told you to think X-Files but the character you produced was more appropriate for an 80s action movie, when I told you our Trail of Cthulhu campaign was in “normal” 1930s America you tried to make a time traveling pilot, and just last night when it was clear that Jerry had no interest in running a campaign with lightsabers and force users you were insistent that they be in the campaign. RPGs are a collaborate effort and when most of the group is reading from page six you can’t insist on reading from page ten and expect things to go smoothly. > > 3. You’re Overbearing: When there’s something going on in the game you’re not keen on you have a tendency to badger people in an attempt to get your way. Broadly speaking this behavior manifests in two ways: When there’s something in the game you don’t like you badger people in an effort to get things your way. See your insistence on force users and lightsabers in the Star Wars campaign as an example. You also like to tell people what actions their characters should take and continue to pester them even when they make it clear they want to do something else. > > 4. You Sulk: When your badgering fails to produce the desired effect you sulk. Sometimes you follow that up by muttering under your breath in a passive aggressive manner clearly designed to be heard by those around you. > > So let’s get down to brass tacks. You and I are through as player and GM. The next time I run a game there will be no place for you at the table. If you continue engaging in the alienating behaviors I’ve listed I will drop out of the Sunday game as a player. In his replies to me he said he wasn’t “scared” of my threats regarding alienation, gave me a non-apology apology, refused to cop to any of the behavior, attempted to rally the rest of the group to his side by sending emails behind my back, and eventually his badgering emails led him to getting kicked out of the Sunday game before it even started. ---
**Author:** ![Ranger\_Jeff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranger_jeff/32/2065_2.png) [@Ranger\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger_Jeff)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2014, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/real-life-de-friending-how-do-you-do-it/696051/34 "2014-08-24T17:30:54Z")
> [@Odesio](#): > > In his replies to me he said he wasn’t “scared” of my threats regarding alienation, gave me a non-apology apology, refused to cop to any of the behavior, attempted to rally the rest of the group to his side by sending emails behind my back, and eventually his badgering emails led him to getting kicked out of the Sunday game before it even started. Well, he’s consistent, at least. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2014, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/real-life-de-friending-how-do-you-do-it/696051/35 "2014-08-24T18:50:44Z")
Thank for the details. Somehow I just love stories about nightmare gamers. Often In those situations I get to wondering what is a disorder of some kind and what is just being a jerk. ---
**Author:** ![RivkahChaya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rivkahchaya/32/8919_2.png) [@RivkahChaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RivkahChaya)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2014, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/real-life-de-friending-how-do-you-do-it/696051/36 "2014-08-24T20:29:03Z")
OJS: Obnoxious Jerk Syndrome. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/real-life-de-friending-how-do-you-do-it/696051.md?page=1)