# Real things I said to my pets today **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 6, 2009, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/real-things-i-said-to-my-pets-today/505503 "2009-08-06T03:36:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2009, 11:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/real-things-i-said-to-my-pets-today/505503/41 "2009-08-07T11:11:07Z")
Holy shit, Jezzi - what the hell crawled up your ass and died :eek: Who is mama’s little poo butt? Stop eating that, you don’t need sparkly poop. Yup, my cat can have digestive issues … _sigh_ ---
**Author:** ![TroubleAgain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e480ec/32.png) [@TroubleAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TroubleAgain)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2009, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/real-things-i-said-to-my-pets-today/505503/42 "2009-08-07T14:12:42Z")
To the bird: No, you are NOT getting millet until you eat your veggies. Did you just crap down my back? To the cats: Move. MOVE. Hey, I pay the mortgage, not you. So MOVE out of my spot! No, this yarn is for crocheting, not for a cat toy. To the dog: No, you may not pee/poop in this yard. It’s not OUR yard. ---
**Author:** ![nonacetone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nonacetone/32/2819_2.png) [@nonacetone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nonacetone)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2009, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/real-things-i-said-to-my-pets-today/505503/43 "2009-08-07T14:54:26Z")
“I love you, Sophie.” - To our 4+ year old ratty, who passed away during the night. “Squeaks! Get the HELL out of that sweet corn!” - Said to the youngest of our cats. She’s maybe 3 months old, and will eat anything. Especially fresh vegetables. ---
**Author:** ![Katriona](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/katriona/32/113_2.png) [@Katriona](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Katriona)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2009, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/real-things-i-said-to-my-pets-today/505503/44 "2009-08-07T15:15:30Z")
> [@Risha](#): > > 1. “No, you can’t put your tongue in my nose.” Heh - I’ve said that before! “Hey, that’s my boob!” (Said while two of the dogs were wrestling and it carried over to my lap/chest area) ---
**Author:** ![Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/malleus_incus_stapes/32/3293_2.png) [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malleus_Incus_Stapes)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2009, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/real-things-i-said-to-my-pets-today/505503/45 "2009-08-07T16:32:56Z")
> [@audreyayn](#): > > Buy bowls that look like the food? (I was going to say “the same color” but I think cats are colorblind.) Cats can see color, but they don’t particularly care. I often have to advise Tikva on covering up after using the litterbox: “Look, Tikki, the whole point of scratching like that is to cover your poop with litter. Scratching at the floor outside your litterbox won’t help. Really. I know you can’t fathom why your hard effort isn’t covering up your stinky mess yet, but that’s because there’s no litter there. No, honey, that’s the litter mat. No, that’s a plastic bin.” ---
**Author:** ![pabstist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e99b99/32.png) [@pabstist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pabstist)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2009, 1:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/real-things-i-said-to-my-pets-today/505503/46 "2009-08-08T01:15:28Z")
“Get your butthole off my shoulder!” I’m not a recliner, really. “Spread your legs you little slut!” Umm, so I can rub her belly. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_Clock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Shot\_Clock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_Clock)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2009, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/real-things-i-said-to-my-pets-today/505503/47 "2009-08-08T01:19:04Z")
“Get outta that box of Triscuits, you idiot!” (yelled at my black lab approximately 5:18 this evening) ---
**Author:** ![Baggins111](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9fc29f/32.png) [@Baggins111](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baggins111)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2009, 2:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/real-things-i-said-to-my-pets-today/505503/48 "2009-08-08T02:44:52Z")
To my dog: “Maples, get a job.” “What’s in your mouth?” Which is usually followed by “Seriously? That’s nasty. Look at that. You don’t know where that’s been.” “You think you’re crying now? Wait till you sign a 30 year mortgage.” - Said when he whines about anything. and “Come on Polly Prissy Pants, poop already!” We live in an apartment complex and he’s scared to go in front of anybody. We have to tromp into the woods and if he hears _anything_, it’s poopus interruptus. I’m really not that insensitive to him. My wife thinks so, but when she’s not looking, he’s usually in my lap on the couch where he’s not supposed to be. ---
**Author:** ![SnakesCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4af34b/32.png) [@SnakesCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnakesCatLady)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2009, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/real-things-i-said-to-my-pets-today/505503/49 "2009-08-08T03:11:57Z")
“I don’t know what you are doing over there but stop doing it.” “Shoe, cats don’t eat green olives.” Said right before I discovered that cats do eat green olives. “Maggie, I loves kisses but please don’t slip me the tongue.” “Shoe, you know you are not supposed to be up there and now I have to climb up to get you down and one of these days I’m going to slip and fall and die and then you won’t have a mamma anymore. Then you’ll be sorry.” ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2009, 3:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/real-things-i-said-to-my-pets-today/505503/50 "2009-08-08T03:26:55Z")
I’m awake. Stop playing with my tongue. (To the cat) ---
**Author:** ![Mona\_Lisa\_Simpson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ce7236/32.png) [@Mona\_Lisa\_Simpson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mona_Lisa_Simpson)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2009, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/real-things-i-said-to-my-pets-today/505503/51 "2009-08-08T04:01:42Z")
We have two rats [Norman and Desiree](http://s279.photobucket.com/albums/kk145/juliefoolie/?albumview=slideshow) (My five year old named them… they are both girls) and the things I say to them: Desiree, my nose is not a tunnel. Desiree, stop humping your sister. Norman, put your butt down before your sister gets butch. Then of course there are the times I make them dance and I sing “Sisters, Sisters” (Everyone needs a hobby. So what if mine is making all rodent musicals?) ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2009, 6:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/real-things-i-said-to-my-pets-today/505503/52 "2009-08-08T06:58:32Z")
> [@](#): > > “Shoe, cats don’t eat green olives.” Said right before I discovered that cats do eat green olives. They’ll eat black ones, too. And asparagus. And avocado. Cats know that they’re carnivores, but they always figure that if something tastes good, they’ll make an exception. Today I told my female Siamese that she’s a slutty kitty. But I usually do say this to her, just about every day. This is because she displays her sluttiness almost every day. She’s been spayed, but she has a thing about human males. She approaches them, and then gets into the mating posture, and otherwise tries to seduce them. She doesn’t try to seduce our two male cats, oddly enough. Of course, they’re both neutered, so they wouldn’t do her any good. ---
**Author:** ![StaudtCJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/90ced4/32.png) [@StaudtCJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StaudtCJ)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2009, 8:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/real-things-i-said-to-my-pets-today/505503/53 "2009-08-08T08:03:33Z")
“You’re cute, but you’re not THAT cute.” - usually when kitty plops down in my walking path craving foot-pettings. “I can go to the \ by myself. I don’t need a guard or an escort.” ---
**Author:** ![tumbleddown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e9bcb4/32.png) [@tumbleddown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tumbleddown)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2009, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/real-things-i-said-to-my-pets-today/505503/54 "2009-08-08T14:01:00Z")
“Good morning my sweet nubby bunny boo.” - Said to my _dog_. I have no idea what a nubby bunny boo is, either. ---
**Author:** ![Baal\_Houtham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/baal_houtham/32/13604_2.png) [@Baal\_Houtham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baal_Houtham)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2009, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/real-things-i-said-to-my-pets-today/505503/55 "2009-08-08T15:39:41Z")
[Obi Kenobi]“Use the Fat, Baxter.” [/Obi Kenobi] Baxter is the short but chunky black lab-ish pup we’re dog-sitting this week. He’ll tussle endlessly with Dakota, our older, taller dog, and his unvarying strategy is to lean heavily against Dakota’s legs (while nipping at ears, muzzle, chest.) ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2009, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/real-things-i-said-to-my-pets-today/505503/56 "2009-08-08T19:00:42Z")
Poo bunny, I love you dearly now get your ass out of my face…and stop licking my toes … ---
**Author:** ![PapSett](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecc23a/32.png) [@PapSett](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PapSett)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2009, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/real-things-i-said-to-my-pets-today/505503/57 "2009-08-08T20:45:29Z")
To Bunny, the Papillon puppy: ewwww… that’s gross! ( after she stuck her entire little nose IN my nostril!) Are you turning into a vampire now? Just don’t start sparkling! (She was showing a _little_ too much interest in the blood running down my leg) To adult Papillon, Cricket: You OK, baby girl? Don’t you leave this porch Chubbybutt! To Gordon Setter Kharma: Do you love Mom? (To which she replied roo roo ROO woo!) Please BACK OFF (said while I was fixing dinner) To Gordon Setter Nick: No, Mister, you are NOT getting beans! Do NOT walk out that door! (he didn’t) To cats Charlie and Rubie: Where’s my good KiKi? Charlie, MOVE! You won’t eat that… ---
**Author:** ![Fetchund](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b2d939/32.png) [@Fetchund](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fetchund)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2009, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/real-things-i-said-to-my-pets-today/505503/58 "2009-08-08T22:47:41Z")
Good Morning, Gava-rabbie puppioskie-puddin-pie. Heya, Booger Butt! Don’t bite your sister. Gav, the cat won’t eat you. Lie DOWN! Sorry - dinner is in 15 minutes. That is, like, for-EVER in dog years! ---
**Author:** ![Acid\_Lamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Acid\_Lamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acid_Lamp)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2009, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/real-things-i-said-to-my-pets-today/505503/59 "2009-08-08T23:07:57Z")
Glo’ey stop eating the bedsheets. Take your tongue out of my ear! Blahhh! enough mushy kisses. Shush. Shush up Shut up Shut up goddammit! Glo’ey, leave nenna’s ass alone. Your bubby is not lonely, it does not need a whole teaparty of friends. Leave your toys in the basket. Move. ---
**Author:** ![BaneSidhe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c5a1d2/32.png) [@BaneSidhe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BaneSidhe)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2009, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/real-things-i-said-to-my-pets-today/505503/60 "2009-08-08T23:35:53Z")
I realize you like the farrier, Mick, but you do not need to lick the sweat off of his back while he’s trimming your feet! [Mickey, our 19 year old Morgan LOVES our farrier. He’d walk through fire to get nose rubbies from Lee.] Boo, I don’t know what you just ate but my GOD, girl, don’t eat it again! [to our QH mare, usually when she farts while you’re picking her feet out] [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/real-things-i-said-to-my-pets-today/505503.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/real-things-i-said-to-my-pets-today/505503.md?page=4)