# Really dumb and counterproductive stuff you see in dating profiles **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 23, 2015, 7:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/really-dumb-and-counterproductive-stuff-you-see-in-dating-profiles/720638 "2015-05-23T07:24:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Aeschines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aeschines/32/16251_2.png) [@Aeschines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeschines)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2015, 4:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/really-dumb-and-counterproductive-stuff-you-see-in-dating-profiles/720638/61 "2015-05-25T04:14:14Z")
Oh, I thought of a couple more! • This is a trope so common that my friend (who met his wife via online dating, as well as several people before that) and I had a lot of fun making fun of it. Let’s call it the “superficial contrast”: “I can look great in a pair of jeans or rock the little black dress.” “I love going out for a night on the town and also staying home cuddled up watching movies together.” “I can pet a dog, or I can pet a cat.” I see this in a significant percentage of profiles. It’s nothing evil, but it tends to make the person writing seem a little bit dumb and as though she’s not thinking for herself. But that’s how most profiles seem anyway (not to sound like a dick, but most people are not good writers, and it is only an extreme few that see the profile for what it is: a marketing document). • Anything about Jesus! I was just about to write this point, and I just happened to be on POF and see this headline: “Jesus Rocks!!” Oh wtf. ---
**Author:** ![Aeschines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aeschines/32/16251_2.png) [@Aeschines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeschines)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2015, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/really-dumb-and-counterproductive-stuff-you-see-in-dating-profiles/720638/62 "2015-05-25T04:16:30Z")
> [@iljitsch](#): > > Isn’t it? Obviously children will come first relative to someone who is still a stranger at this moment. So why say something that goes without saying? To me this reads “I have no room in my life for a man, move along”. It really does. And you will even see women who will say, explicitly, that they barely have any time in their life what with kids and work, “But I still want someone.” :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Aeschines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aeschines/32/16251_2.png) [@Aeschines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeschines)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2015, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/really-dumb-and-counterproductive-stuff-you-see-in-dating-profiles/720638/63 "2015-05-25T04:24:04Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > From some responses here, I get the impression that people think when a woman says “I have kids and they come first,” she’s somehow meaning to imply “if you’re a decent human being, you’ll be attracted to me anyway.” That’s the only way I can make sense out of characterizations of her as being somehow demanding or thinking the world revolves around her. But this will typically be not _at all_ what she means. What she means is, literally, “I have kids and they come first.” Her purpose is not to lay down a challenge or a demand. Her purpose is to narrow down the range of prospects such that very improbable ones won’t waste their own time (and, of course, hers). That’s not really it. Most of the time, such profiles come across as angry. She’s bitter from the divorce, and she hasn’t had a good time on the dating scene. So she’s got to inform all the douchebags up front what’s what! Let me put it another way. What is the chance that a person writing in that tone will actually turn out to be good-natured and ready for a healthy relationship? My guess is pretty low. Even most people who seem nice are not relationship material. Personally, I avoid dating women with kids. They indeed put the kids first, and usually they want a plug-and-play man who will make her and their lives better in some way, as opposed to a man with whom to forge a really solid one-on-one relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Aeschines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aeschines/32/16251_2.png) [@Aeschines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeschines)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2015, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/really-dumb-and-counterproductive-stuff-you-see-in-dating-profiles/720638/64 "2015-05-25T04:26:15Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > You know, actually, screw what you just said tbh. “This may sound very important to you”? How about, she gets to determine for herself, and then may choose to inform you, as to what is important to her? I think you’re missing the point. People can say whatever they want in their profiles. But other people don’t have to like what is said or think it’s smart. That’s what this whole post is about. If he were saying she didn’t have the right to say it, that would be different. ---
**Author:** ![Aeschines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aeschines/32/16251_2.png) [@Aeschines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeschines)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2015, 4:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/really-dumb-and-counterproductive-stuff-you-see-in-dating-profiles/720638/65 "2015-05-25T04:34:50Z")
> [@AHunter3](#): > > Ummm, it did. I met someone I had about 3 years with in 1995. Again, resulting in a 12 year relationship, in 1998. Was it like Yahoo personals or something? It seems that the major dating sites didn’t come around until the early 2000s. So much for my knowledge, but I am thinking more about when I was really lonely, which was when I was in college 89-91, and then 94-95 (with a stint in Japan in between). But good on you for being ahead of the curve. ---
**Author:** ![Aeschines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aeschines/32/16251_2.png) [@Aeschines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeschines)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2015, 4:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/really-dumb-and-counterproductive-stuff-you-see-in-dating-profiles/720638/66 "2015-05-25T04:39:02Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > If each requirement removes a good fraction of possible candidates, it doesn’t take many of them before your chance of somebody actually meeting all those MUSTS and finding your ad and actually living in your area are pretty much zero. Yes. I did OKCupid this last time (late 2013 to late 2014), and it was just terrible, worse than it ever had been. I calculated that, even with a very wide age range and very few conditions, there were only a total of 3,000 or so people who matched those within 75 miles of Indianapolis on the site. Unless you are in a major metro area, it is difficult to assume that Ms./Mr. Right is on there. I had always thought of POF as much worse than OKCupid, but I am having much better luck with that this time around. ---
**Author:** ![tnetennba](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7993a0/32.png) [@tnetennba](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tnetennba)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2015, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/really-dumb-and-counterproductive-stuff-you-see-in-dating-profiles/720638/67 "2015-05-25T04:44:23Z")
In 1995 I used a WWW site called Christies. You accessed it using a Lynx browser and it was free. It had already been around for a couple of years. Needless to say the woman I met was a computer nerd. I can find no reference to it now, but it was definitely around before any of the ones touted as the first in any “history of online dating” page you land on. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2015, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/really-dumb-and-counterproductive-stuff-you-see-in-dating-profiles/720638/68 "2015-05-25T04:47:52Z")
Just speaking for myself. I’m 57 so that’s the age cohort I’m in. This stuff would only be counterproductive for me personally, mileage may vary for others. \*“I’ve had a very successful life and I’m retiring very soon and want someone to travel the world with.” \* Lucky you! Sorry I do not have that much free time and I have bills to pay. _“I want someone to “compliment” me .”_ I’m sure you do. I’d like that too! _Insane laundry list of outdoor activities._ I work out to be healthy but it’s not my passion. I like sitting on my ass and reading a book or napping on a couch occasionally. _The “I was done wrong” history and the related “I’m vulnerable please rescue me” vignette._ Just no. The “I’m looking for my knight in shining armor” princess fantasy from women past the age of 40. This emotional rescue fantasy ideation has amazing power regardless of a woman’s age. You see it on profiles of 70 year olds. It’s astounding. \*“I want a man who knows how to treat a women” \* Basic politeness? Pay off your mortgage? Shades of Gray? No tongue on the first date? Could you be more vague. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2015, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/really-dumb-and-counterproductive-stuff-you-see-in-dating-profiles/720638/69 "2015-05-25T04:48:52Z")
> [@Aeschines](#): > > That’s not really it. Most of the time, such profiles come across as angry. She’s bitter from the divorce, and she hasn’t had a good time on the dating scene. So she’s got to inform all the douchebags up front what’s what! > > Let me put it another way. What is the chance that a person writing in that tone will actually turn out to be good-natured and ready for a healthy relationship? My guess is pretty low. Even most people who seem nice are not relationship material. > > Personally, I avoid dating women with kids. They indeed put the kids first, and usually they want a plug-and-play man who will make her and their lives better in some way, as opposed to a man with whom to forge a really solid one-on-one relationship. My sister won’t date men with kids, either. Her issue is not with the kids, but with having to deal with the ex and her family, or her family if he’s a widower. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2015, 4:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/really-dumb-and-counterproductive-stuff-you-see-in-dating-profiles/720638/70 "2015-05-25T04:58:11Z")
Another one which I forgot to mention as kind of puzzling was the accomplished, stunningly attractive woman whose active profile stays up forever. These women could get a date with Mr. CEO Gotbucks without breathing hard an they’re trolling [Match.com](http://Match.com)? You get the kinda -sorta impression this profile is more of a vanity statement to say “Look! Look how amazing I am! Gaze upon me mortals and despair!” ---
**Author:** ![Aeschines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aeschines/32/16251_2.png) [@Aeschines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeschines)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2015, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/really-dumb-and-counterproductive-stuff-you-see-in-dating-profiles/720638/71 "2015-05-25T05:01:54Z")
> [@astro](#): > > Another one which I forgot to mention was the accomplished, stunningly attractive woman whose active profile stays up forever. These women could get a date without breathing hard. You get the kinda -sorta impression this profile is more of a vanity statement to say “Look! Look how amazing I am! Gaze upon me mortals and despair!” Yes, I’ve noticed this too. I’ve wondered if such people perhaps are simply into getting messages and rejecting people. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2015, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/really-dumb-and-counterproductive-stuff-you-see-in-dating-profiles/720638/72 "2015-05-25T05:07:43Z")
> [@Aeschines](#): > > It really does. And you will even see women who will say, explicitly, that they barely have any time in their life what with kids and work, “But I still want someone.” > > :dubious: If that’s important to them, then it should be in the profile. I met someone (from her dating profile) last August and we went out for a few months. I liked her a lot, was starting to fall for her. In February she said that her job and family were starting to take up more of her time and she had to put dating “on hold”. Not a peep out of her since. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2015, 5:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/really-dumb-and-counterproductive-stuff-you-see-in-dating-profiles/720638/73 "2015-05-25T05:10:02Z")
> [@Aeschines](#): > > Yes, I’ve noticed this too. I’ve wondered if such people perhaps are simply into getting messages and rejecting people. Or they might be fake. ---
**Author:** ![Aeschines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aeschines/32/16251_2.png) [@Aeschines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeschines)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2015, 5:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/really-dumb-and-counterproductive-stuff-you-see-in-dating-profiles/720638/74 "2015-05-25T05:15:55Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Or they might be fake. Certainly! OKCupid this last time was simply overrun with scammer profiles. The site was losing the battle. I see very few on POF. Whatever they’re doing, they’re doing right. BUT… there is this one profile of a woman with two very attractive pics that I have seen somewhere before. And she _only_ accepts messages from upgraded members. Uh huh. Sure. All _zero_ of the men with upgraded profiles LOLOLOL! (Is this a sham profile put up by POF to get more men to upgrade? I know not. But I know it’s some type of bullshit.) ---
**Author:** ![Aeschines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aeschines/32/16251_2.png) [@Aeschines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeschines)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2015, 5:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/really-dumb-and-counterproductive-stuff-you-see-in-dating-profiles/720638/75 "2015-05-25T05:22:14Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > If that’s important to them, then it should be in the profile. I met someone (from her dating profile) last August and we went out for a few months. I liked her a lot, was starting to fall for her. In February she said that her job and family were starting to take up more of her time and she had to put dating “on hold”. Not a peep out of her since. Not to state the obvious, but she may have just used that as an excuse to get rid of you. Or it could have been someone who genuinely found she didn’t have the bandwidth to be with someone. I dated someone like that for a year, and eventually her energy just petered away (she had a huge depressive episode), and that was that. Anyhow, sorry you had to go through that. To put it bluntly, I think we need to distinguish between between someone being honest about an undesirable characteristic or situation, the cognizance on her part that the characteristic or situation is undesirable, and the characteristic or situation itself. Some people on here are saying things like, “Well she’s saying what she wants,” or, “She’s weeding out people that wouldn’t work,” or, “She’s being honest.” Need I say that most of these people aren’t very cerebral and are definitely not constructing their profiles in any planned manner? It’s not like they are going “meta” and saying things like, “I know this won’t work for a lot of people, but I am in fact very busy. I will do my best, however, to make time to be with someone I’m interested in.” See, that’s not so tough to say, is it? But people are saying a wide range of unappealing and oblivious things instead. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2015, 5:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/really-dumb-and-counterproductive-stuff-you-see-in-dating-profiles/720638/76 "2015-05-25T05:31:02Z")
> [@Aeschines](#): > > Not to state the obvious, but she may have just used that as an excuse to get rid of you. Yeah, I know. Not much point going into the details, but if it was an excuse it was a darn good one. ---
**Author:** ![Aeschines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aeschines/32/16251_2.png) [@Aeschines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeschines)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2015, 6:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/really-dumb-and-counterproductive-stuff-you-see-in-dating-profiles/720638/77 "2015-05-25T06:22:03Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > Yeah, I know. Not much point going into the details, but if it was an excuse it was a darn good one. Sorry, wasn’t trying to be shitty. I think things not working out is kinda par for the course in relationships anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2015, 6:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/really-dumb-and-counterproductive-stuff-you-see-in-dating-profiles/720638/78 "2015-05-25T06:26:56Z")
> [@Aeschines](#): > > Sorry, wasn’t trying to be shitty. I think things not working out is kinda par for the course in relationships anyway. Oh, I know you weren’t being shitty; but I did want to make it clear that I had considered that her reasons may have been an excuse. This thread shows a risk of turning bitter and cynical. We should nip that sort of thing in the bud. ---
**Author:** ![Aeschines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aeschines/32/16251_2.png) [@Aeschines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeschines)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2015, 6:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/really-dumb-and-counterproductive-stuff-you-see-in-dating-profiles/720638/79 "2015-05-25T06:27:58Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > This thread shows a risk of turning bitter and cynical. We should nip that sort of thing in the bud. Oh, I AM bitter and cynical–but HOPEFUL!!! ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2015, 6:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/really-dumb-and-counterproductive-stuff-you-see-in-dating-profiles/720638/80 "2015-05-25T06:33:14Z")
> [@Aeschines](#): > > Certainly! OKCupid this last time was simply overrun with scammer profiles. The site was losing the battle. I see very few on POF. Whatever they’re doing, they’re doing right. > > BUT… there is this one profile of a woman with two very attractive pics that I have seen somewhere before. And she _only_ accepts messages from upgraded members. Uh huh. Sure. All _zero_ of the men with upgraded profiles LOLOLOL! > > (Is this a sham profile put up by POF to get more men to upgrade? I know not. But I know it’s some type of bullshit.) I’ve been seeing ads for ourtime .com, which is targeted at the 50+ crowd. (I’m a few months away, thanks.) Ironically, in an effort to appeal to the more mature and stable crowd, one of the ads shows an attractive blonde sitting on a swing set. I poked around a bit and found pictures of her (though not that exact one) on a stock photo site. Now, I suppose that doesn’t prove that she doesn’t have a profile there, but I have my doubts. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/really-dumb-and-counterproductive-stuff-you-see-in-dating-profiles/720638.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/really-dumb-and-counterproductive-stuff-you-see-in-dating-profiles/720638.md?page=5)