# Reason for flaking on a date - is this typical? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 20, 2016, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258 "2016-12-20T20:29:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2016, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258/21 "2016-12-20T22:41:59Z")
I’d feel like what you really wanted to be doing was hanging out with your friends (you know perfectly well hanging out with strangers that all know each other isn’t a first date activity) and that the offer to continue with the planned date was a pity offer meant mostly to assuage your guilty feelings about wanting to flake. If you were going on a date with Scarlett Johansen (or whoever), would you send a last-minute text suggesting that instead of a romantic date you just hang out with your buddies instead? Of course not. You know that, and she knows that as well. It’s fine. You aren’t that in to her and she’s not that in to you. Figuring that out is one of the reasons why we date. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2016, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258/22 "2016-12-20T23:28:16Z")
Two cents. You played this less than perfectly. She flipped out. Probably saved yourself some grief down the road. ---
**Author:** ![Nawth\_Chucka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c57346/32.png) [@Nawth\_Chucka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nawth_Chucka)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2016, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258/23 "2016-12-20T23:29:18Z")
> [@Hedda\_Rosa](#): > > I have to disagree. If I was meeting a guy for a first date I would think it was fun to meet up with friends. I’d find it flattering that he’d want to introduce me to friends, and most of the people I know and hang out with operate on the More The Merrier framework. I think her reaction is over the top - she could just have said “no I’d much rather hang out just you and me” and not made a big hairy deal out of it. She sounds like more trouble than she’s worth. For me it was the last minute change of plans for a first date, from one-on-one going to dinner to group hanging out _likely as she was driving to meet him_. If he’s likely to follow a seat-of-the-pants pattern in dating and it doesn’t suit her preferred dating style then I agree it’s certainly not worth either of them trying to change what they know makes them happy. ---
**Author:** ![Whiskey\_Dickens](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/9fc348/32.png) [@Whiskey\_Dickens](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whiskey_Dickens)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2016, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258/24 "2016-12-20T23:52:08Z")
First dates are stressful. It’s a lot easier to make up an excuse and bail. Also, combining a first date with a group that you know but she doesn’t is a no-no. You guys are there to get to know each other. Better luck in the future! ---
**Author:** ![Nawth\_Chucka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c57346/32.png) [@Nawth\_Chucka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nawth_Chucka)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2016, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258/25 "2016-12-20T23:58:47Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > Thanks to all the replies by everyone, the feedback makes a lot of sense now. I didn’t see things from the opposite perspective well enough. I think **Nawth Chucka** ’s response encapsulated it in a nutshell best. Thanks for listening. It’s vital in dating to be comfortably yourself but w/o it coming at the cost of the other person’s comfort. Good luck finding the person who really suits the real you; there are tons of fish in the sea. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2016, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258/26 "2016-12-21T00:01:16Z")
You bobbled the ball but instead of being adaptable and mature she had a fit and went screaming into the distance. Regardless of your manners error for her to react in that way indicates someone with a paranoid, hair trigger temper who it is going to be very difficult to have a mature relationship with. You stepped on your dick date manners-wise but you also dodged a very dangerous bullet. Not sure how to score that scenario. ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2016, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258/27 "2016-12-21T00:10:11Z")
I agree with the others – you made a mistake, but her reaction makes it likely that it wasn’t going to work out anyway. Consider it a lesson learned – don’t cancel or change plans at the last minute unless you’re not interested in the date any more. ---
**Author:** ![Nawth\_Chucka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c57346/32.png) [@Nawth\_Chucka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nawth_Chucka)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2016, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258/28 "2016-12-21T00:40:05Z")
> [@astro](#): > > You bobbled the ball but instead of being adaptable and mature she had a fit and went screaming into the distance. Regardless of your manners error for her to react in that way indicates someone with a paranoid, hair trigger temper who it is going to be very difficult to have a mature relationship with. > > You stepped on your dick date manners-wise but you also dodged a very dangerous bullet. Not sure how to score that scenario. If he could step on his dick I doubt he’d be here asking our dating opinions. IJS ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2016, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258/29 "2016-12-21T02:14:54Z")
Yeah, you should not have changed the date. Should have kept your original plans and at most, sent her some flowers or something saying “looking forward to seeing you”. Remember, men are NEVER allowed to change their minds without express written permission of women. Women are OTOH, allowed to change at any times. It’s just how things are. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2016, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258/30 "2016-12-21T02:20:42Z")
> [@Sir\_T-Cups](#): > > Boy, count me as surprised as to how personally she took it and how this thread is reacting to it. > > My first thought was good for you because you presented her with a get out of jail free card. Maybe she would have been more comfortable in a group situation, maybe she wanted it to be personal…you left it up to her. > > Personally, I didn’t think anything is wrong with what you did and I think she overreacted WAY more than she should have. But from my experience, women LIKE men who plan things out well and dont change plans last minute. They dont want things left up to her. Yeah I know its weird but thats part of the old Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus thing. ---
**Author:** ![trapezoidal\_jellyfish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/6f9a4e/32.png) [@trapezoidal\_jellyfish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/trapezoidal_jellyfish)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2016, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258/31 "2016-12-21T02:45:20Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > Thanks to all the replies by everyone, the feedback makes a lot of sense now. I didn’t see things from the opposite perspective well enough. I think **Nawth Chucka** ’s response encapsulated it in a nutshell best. So, you posted a relationship question on a message board, then calmly listened to the feedback and thanked people for their input, even if it’s mostly not in your favor. Dude, you know this is the internet right? You’re supposed to dig your heels in and explain in great detail how you are actually a saint and everyone else is jus misunderstanding you! Seriously though, if I was heading to a date and the guy said what you said, I would assume he would rather go to the party than hang out with me, and was asking me to come along to avoid having to cancel last-minute. I understand that you didn’t intend to say that, and I don’t think you’re a jerk, just that you didn’t think it through all the way. I’m wondering if maybe the woman here isn’t crazy, but just insecure. Maybe she thought you changed your mind and didn’t really want to go out, and now she’s embarrassed. Or maybe she’s been distant because she knows she overreacted and isn’t sure how to come back from that. If you’re really interested in going out with her, you could ask if she’d be willing to talk with you for a few minutes, just to clear the air. You can explain that you didn’t realize how your offer of going to the party might sound, you understand now that it wasn’t a great idea, and you really do want to go out with her and get to know her better. If she doesn’t want to talk, or listens to you and then says no, you’re out of luck. Might still be worth trying, though. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2016, 11:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258/32 "2016-12-21T11:02:46Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > Remember, men are NEVER allowed to change their minds without express written permission of women. Women are OTOH, allowed to change at any times. It’s just how things are. It must be a great comfort having all these old stereotypes floating around to grasp onto. ---
**Author:** ![jz78817](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jz78817/32/1028_2.png) [@jz78817](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jz78817)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2016, 11:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258/33 "2016-12-21T11:12:45Z")
> [@Hedda\_Rosa](#): > > I have to disagree. If I was meeting a guy for a first date I would think it was fun to meet up with friends. I’d find it flattering that he’d want to introduce me to friends, and most of the people I know and hang out with operate on the More The Merrier framework. I think her reaction is over the top - she could just have said “no I’d much rather hang out just you and me” and not made a big hairy deal out of it. She sounds like more trouble than she’s worth. And I’ll disagree with your disagree. I’m very much NOT a “go out and meet people” kind of person, so if what I thought was going to be a 1-on-1 date suddenly became “hey, I’m going to shove you in front of a bunch of people you don’t know” I’d bail immediately too. ---
**Author:** ![jtur88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e9c0ed/32.png) [@jtur88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jtur88)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2016, 11:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258/34 "2016-12-21T11:30:51Z")
> [@TokyoBayer](#): > > It must be a great comfort having all these old stereotypes floating around to grasp onto. Stereotypes float around because their truth is so self-apparent. Those that fail to resemble real life die a quick death and never become stereotypes in the first place… It is even worse logic to arbitrarily reject any position for no other reason than that is repeated as a stereotype. “I know that bears do not hibernte in winter, because there is a stereotype floating around that they do.” ---
**Author:** ![septimus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/septimus/32/410_2.png) [@septimus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/septimus)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2016, 11:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258/35 "2016-12-21T11:42:17Z")
I thought it interesting that opinion was so sharply divided. > [@jtur88](#): > > Good riddance. Move on. > [@John\_Mace](#): > > BZZZT. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go; do not collect $200 dollars. > > You just changed the whole dynamic OF YOUR FIRST DATE with this woman AT THE VERY LAST MINUTE. And you put the ONUS ON HER TO BE THE SPOILER. My social IQ is still deficient, but FWIW I strongly agree with **Mr. Mace** here. You made a date with at least some romantic interest, several weeks in advance no less; then spring “let’s dine with some strangers” at the last moment. :smack: And, again as **John** also points out, you don’t have the confidence to say “You’ll love these guys; we’ll go for a private cocktail later if you wish” _but put the onus on her_, as though begging her to say “No, I’d rather be together just with _you_.” ---
**Author:** ![levdrakon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/49beb7/32.png) [@levdrakon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/levdrakon)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2016, 11:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258/36 "2016-12-21T11:46:17Z")
> [@Hedda\_Rosa](#): > > I have to disagree. If I was meeting a guy for a first date I would think it was fun to meet up with friends. I’d find it flattering that he’d want to introduce me to friends, and most of the people I know and hang out with operate on the More The Merrier framework. I think her reaction is over the top - she could just have said “no I’d much rather hang out just you and me” and not made a big hairy deal out of it. She sounds like more trouble than she’s worth. Yeah, I pretty much agree. I’m a shy type and nervous around new people so the last minute change might stress me a little bit, but I sure as heck wouldn’t overreact like she did. That reminds me of some people I’ve known over the years that always seem to turn out having serious personality problems. The OP is best it’s over with now. I’d predict major unnecessary drama in their future. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2016, 12:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258/37 "2016-12-21T12:09:04Z")
Agree with most of the replies that say you blew it. Very much disagree with those saying the girl over reacted and the OP dodged a bullet. I’m sorry, but this girl sounds wise beyond her years. And knows exactly what she wants. What the OP did was straight up naive. Which is fine. We all have to learn one way or the other. But you shouldn’t blame the woman for wanting someone a little more mature. And you can’t blame her when she was probably looking forward to this date for several weeks, only to find out, at the very last minute, that no, this isn’t the guy she thought he would be. Who the heck _wouldn’t_ be a little frustrated after that much build up? ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2016, 12:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258/38 "2016-12-21T12:20:18Z")
Eh, she probably wasn’t really into you to begin with. It wasn’t smart to introduce this last-minute option, but if she really wanted to see you, she wouldn’t have declined so easily. ---
**Author:** ![levdrakon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/49beb7/32.png) [@levdrakon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/levdrakon)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2016, 12:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258/39 "2016-12-21T12:27:02Z")
She already got dressed for dinner out and was on her way. I’m never seeing you again! Cray, cray. Just have dinner. No, even before she’s gotten to know you, she’s already planned out your marriage and the rest of your life and if you aren’t Mr. Perfect you’re not worth her precious time, which I have a feeling she has lots of. ---
**Author:** ![Waxwinged](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c2a13f/32.png) [@Waxwinged](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Waxwinged)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2016, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258/40 "2016-12-21T14:09:50Z")
A first date shouldn’t be scheduled more than a week in advance, I think… gives it a little bit more of a casual “get to know you” vibe. But, yeah- you did give her an impression that you’d rather be hanging out with your friends (and her as the third wheel), rather than her. Next time, just stick to the original plan. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258.md?page=3)