# Reason for flaking on a date - is this typical? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 20, 2016, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258 "2016-12-20T20:29:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2016, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258/41 "2016-12-21T14:13:07Z")
> [@jtur88](#): > > Stereotypes float around because their truth is so self-apparent. Those that fail to resemble real life die a quick death and never become stereotypes in the first place… I could cite some vicious racial stereotypes and ask your opinion on whether or not they’re based in reality but I suspect you’d change your mind damn quick. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2016, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258/42 "2016-12-21T14:19:04Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > Eh, she probably wasn’t really into you to begin with. It wasn’t smart to introduce this last-minute option, but if she really wanted to see you, she wouldn’t have declined so easily. Yeah, it’s possible that she’s a crazy, OCD type person, but the OP mentions that they’ve known each other for at least a few months, so I think yours is the most likely explanation. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2016, 2:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258/43 "2016-12-21T14:36:03Z")
> [@Waxwinged](#): > > A first date shouldn’t be scheduled more than a week in advance, I think… gives it a little bit more of a casual “get to know you” vibe. But, yeah- you did give her an impression that you’d rather be hanging out with your friends (and her as the third wheel), rather than her. Next time, just stick to the original plan. If my feelings about a guy feel somewhere between ugh to meh, meeting up with his friends would be unappealing to me for a different reason. I wouldn’t want others to see us as a couple. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2016, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258/44 "2016-12-21T15:00:54Z")
I don’t think your date flaked out. She was responding to you totally flipping the script at the last minute and decided to take it as a warning sign. Seriously, if someone asked if I wanted to join their friends for dinner, I’d be pissed off. It would indicate a few things. One) you aren’t really serious about us getting to know each other better. Two) you can’t go a few hours without being around your friends. 3) you are one of those annoying people who have to consult others for every decision. And 4) You just see me as a prop to show off around your friends. Also, she might have bailed out of the whole thing because she has social anxiety. People who deal with SA don’t tend to like last minute changes or being around people who have a cavalier attitude about last minute changes. Finally, you said she was in her late 20s. What you did is a classic teenaged/clearly-20s move. “Let’s hang out with my bros” simply isn’t fun after a certain age. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2016, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258/45 "2016-12-21T15:41:34Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > Eh, she probably wasn’t really into you to begin with. It wasn’t smart to introduce this last-minute option, but if she really wanted to see you, she wouldn’t have declined so easily. See, I would have the opposite conclusion, at least if it happened to me. I’m excited about someone and a date with them, and, on my way, they call me with an option to hang out with their friends? I would think this person is just not as interested in me as I with them as I cannot imagine pulling something like that with a date I was interested in. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2016, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258/46 "2016-12-21T16:12:34Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > I could cite some vicious racial stereotypes and ask your opinion on whether or not they’re based in reality but I suspect you’d change your mind damn quick. Yeah, this is exactly what I came to post. There are a number of posters here on the dope with some really old stereotypes of women. > [@monstro](#): > > Finally, you said she was in her late 20s. What you did is a classic teenaged/clearly-20s move. “Let’s hang out with my bros” simply isn’t fun after a certain age. It’s OK after being a couple for a while, but on a first date with a build-up of a couple of weeks, then it could very well send some really confusing signals to the other person. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2016, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258/47 "2016-12-21T16:28:00Z")
> [@trapezoidal\_jellyfish](#): > > So, you posted a relationship question on a message board, then calmly listened to the feedback and thanked people for their input, even if it’s mostly not in your favor. Dude, you know this is the internet right? You’re supposed to dig your heels in and explain in great detail how you are actually a saint and everyone else is jus misunderstanding you! Not only that— the scenario is plausible, the OP composed the post using standard English grammar and punctuation, and he didn’t join the board today. It’s all out of whack! ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2016, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258/48 "2016-12-21T16:30:03Z")
This reminds me of my own life. While communicating plans for a second date with my now-husband, I misread a text from him and somehow got the idea he wanted to invite a colleague to join us for dinner. I did find it unusual, but didn’t read anything bothersome into it at all. This despite the fact that we ended our first date without me sensing he had strong romantic feelings for me. (I wasn’t strongly sparking for him at the time, so it was a case of projection.) Anyway, it was mid-way into our date when I asked when his colleague was going to arrive. He looked at me like I was insane and laughed in complete confusion. After we finally figured out how I got the idea in my head, he expressed surprise that I would agree to that arrangement. Perhaps it’s my easy-going nature that made me agreed to it with no reluctance, I dunno. At that time of my life, I had a zen-like detachment about relationships. Flakey dude acting flakey wasn’t something I was gonna take personally. So some of yall could be right; it could be the OP’s ladyfriend wasn’t so zen-like and had her hopes and dreams completely dashed after looking forward to a romantic night with a potential SO. But I still get the sense that the real issue was that she just wasn’t into him. The OP has given us no indication she was really excited about him. ---
**Author:** ![Patx2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/73ab20/32.png) [@Patx2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Patx2)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2016, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258/49 "2016-12-21T16:53:59Z")
Maybe she felt as though if she said no to meeting up with the friends, you would feel let down because she thought that’s what you really wanted to do. Perhaps she really likes you and was disappointed because she thought it would be an evening for just the two of you. It’s a lot to do with how it was perceived. I think you said this was all done by text, it’s often hard to read how someone really feels in a text. It may not have been clear to her in the text that you would’ve been content either way, just how she perceived it. The other possibility, Laura was pissed you didn’t just want to spend time with her no matter what your intent was. ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2016, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258/50 "2016-12-21T16:55:45Z")
> [@Nawth\_Chucka](#): > > If he could step on his dick I doubt he’d be here asking our dating opinions. IJS Not necessarily, perhaps he has very flexible knees… I would say that you under thought the text before sending and she overthought it upon receiving. Absolutely a normal fist date circumstance. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2016, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258/51 "2016-12-21T17:05:04Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > This reminds me of my own life. While communicating plans for a second date with my now-husband, I misread a text from him and somehow got the idea he wanted to invite a colleague to join us for dinner. I did find it unusual, but didn’t read anything bothersome into it at all. This despite the fact that we ended our first date without me sensing he had strong romantic feelings for me. (I wasn’t strongly sparking for him at the time, so it was a case of projection.) Well, yeah, you weren’t into him at the time, so you didn’t really care so much. At any rate, all this shows is we have no idea what the date was thinking. I’d be more inclined to go along with the date-with-friends date if I were only tepid about the person I was going on a first date with, and at the very least a bit irked at the suggestion if I actually was interested in the person. Her reaction does seem a bit of an over-reaction to me, but she did explain to you why she felt put in a corner, and I think her reaction is understandable. I don’t think she’s a psycho hosebeast based on her initial reaction and her follow-up texts. Her continued hostility is perhaps a bit jarring, but that depends on how you responded to her texts. To me, I really do think it’s more likely she was interested in you than not–it explains her follow up reaction much more clearly to me, but that may be because I can empathize with those thought patterns. But, then again, maybe she doesn’t think at all like me and really does just not like you. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2016, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258/52 "2016-12-21T17:06:04Z")
> [@LSLGuy](#): > > Lots of people have a very hard time understanding one very basic fact. > > It doesn’t matter what you (any you) said or what you meant. It only matters how it sounds to the other person from \*their \*POV and given \*their \*context. That’s the message that gets delivered. And no other. > > s. That’s certainly true. But the people on the receiving end often fail to take the next logical step. What was the sender’s intention message wise? If she is going to have a strong reaction to the OP’s message. That’s one thing. And her right within reason. But her (and many folks here) taking how she reacted as some sort of indication of what the OP actually intended is silly. Its just gussied up mind reading at that point. Tell the dude why it uspet you. Then grow up and ask what his intention/line of thinking actually was. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2016, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258/53 "2016-12-21T17:07:32Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > Tell the dude why it uspet you. She actually did, according to the OP, in a text later. We don’t know what the response was. ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2016, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258/54 "2016-12-21T17:07:35Z")
> [@Doctor\_Jackson](#): > > Absolutely a normal **fist date circumstance**. Band name! ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2016, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258/55 "2016-12-21T18:20:01Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > Tell the dude why it uspet you. Then grow up and ask what his intention/line of thinking actually was. She did this. And yet the OP is still confused. Many folks have the philosophy that you either come correct on the first date or you don’t bother. Yeah, it’s harsh. But it’s also understandable. It’s one thing to show up to the date a few minutes late because you were stuck in traffic. It’s quite another to be so socially tone-deaf that you communicate “I can’t decide which is more important. You or the bros!” The whole point of the first date is to screen out people who are going to drive you nuts with messages like this. A single woman in her late 20s is typically looking for a guy who has enough empathy to be able to surmise how his words might be received by a reasonable person. There are a ton of guys who don’t do this well and they make for very frustrating partners. The OP’s faux pas wasn’t the worst in the world. But it was a mistake a typical manchild would make. Manchildren are the ones who need to grow up. Not the people who are frustrated by them. ---
**Author:** ![septimus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/septimus/32/410_2.png) [@septimus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/septimus)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2016, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258/56 "2016-12-21T18:35:33Z")
> [@Patx2](#): > > … I think you said this was all done by text, it’s often hard to read how someone really feels in a text… :smack: I’d completely overlooked that all this was done via text. I’m an old-timer and was almost 60 years old before I ever sent a text message to a phone! The hyper-wiring of today’s world has changed social interactions; and OP’s story provides further evidence that this change is often not for the better. Had the last-minute query been done via voice, I think **Velocity** could have explored options with his date without unsettling her. ---
**Author:** ![melbatoast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e36b37/32.png) [@melbatoast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melbatoast)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2016, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258/57 "2016-12-21T20:06:34Z")
I went into this wanting to be on your side. Sadly I must agree with most of the other commentors. It isn’t that you made the suggestion. It is that you insinuated YOU were interested in hanging with your friends more than her alone or you would not have asked her in the first place. If you were looking forward to your date, you would have told your friends sorry already have plans and left it at that. It does scream I don’t find you interesting enough to be alone with. Maybe that would have been okay on a 5th or 6th date, but definitely not a first one. (This is how it sounds to someone that doesn’t really know you, it doesn’t make want I said truth about how you felt :)) Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk ---
**Author:** ![Helena330](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/helena330/32/531_2.png) [@Helena330](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helena330)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2016, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258/58 "2016-12-21T20:11:58Z")
> [@jtur88](#): > > **Stereotypes float around because their truth is so self-apparent. Those that fail to resemble real life die a quick death and never become stereotypes in the first place…** > > It is even worse logic to arbitrarily reject any position for no other reason than that is repeated as a stereotype. > > “I know that bears do not hibernte in winter, because there is a stereotype floating around that they do.” There’s certainly a lot of truth to the bitter, women-hating old man stereotype. **Trapezoidal jellyfish** had a \*very \*good response. If I’d been put in that situation, that’s pretty much how I would’ve reacted. Don’t beat yourself up, **Velocity** , if you are. Lesson learned. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![BwanaBob](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bwanabob/32/2985_2.png) [@BwanaBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BwanaBob)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2016, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258/59 "2016-12-21T20:31:19Z")
I was on the receiving end of a similar situation. But it was our second date. First one went very well so I was really looking forward to the followup. She called at noon on the day of the date and suggested changing our date to a “six-some” outing (with 4 other people, two being her brother and his girlfriend whom I had not yet met). I bailed with a lame excuse because it rubbed me the wrong way. Either I was being introduced to her friends/family (way too soon for that), or she really didn’t want to go out with just me. I found both scenarios unpalatable. We never went out again after that. ---
**Author:** ![Driver8](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b5a626/32.png) [@Driver8](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Driver8)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2016, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258/60 "2016-12-21T20:39:40Z")
My take mirrors what I’ve already seen posted. Three things: 1. You messed up. Being annoyed or disorientated by the sudden choice is pretty reasonable, IMHO. It does send weird messages. 2. She didn’t behave unreasonably by cancelling the whole thing. I think a “come correct or don’t bother” attitude is probably reasonable, and not proceeding based on early warning signs is an efficient approach to dating. 3. This incident doesn’t reflect poorly on you. I base that on your decent reaction to the negative feedback you’ve received here. You messed this one up. No big deal. It seems like you’re willing to learn from your mistakes and are open to looking at things from other people’s point of view. I think this bodes well for your dating future! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reason-for-flaking-on-a-date-is-this-typical/775258.md?page=4)