# Recipes that don't work. Please bitch here. **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 8, 2012, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/recipes-that-dont-work-please-bitch-here/612234 "2012-02-08T21:43:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2012, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/recipes-that-dont-work-please-bitch-here/612234/41 "2012-02-09T18:17:04Z")
> [@gallows\_fodder](#): > > I remember trying Alton Brown’s macaroni and cheese recipe and thinking it was pretty disappointing. Way too oniony. His french onion soup recipe called for apple juice or cider. Way, way too much apple juice/cider. The idea was it was supposed to cut the beef stock flavor. Chicken stock would have been better. As it was, the onion soup ended up tasting very, _very_ sweet and apple-y. Yuk ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2012, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/recipes-that-dont-work-please-bitch-here/612234/42 "2012-02-09T18:54:23Z")
There’s a lemon pie in the Pie and Pastry Bible that I tried once. I think it was called Shaker Lemon Pie. It used whole lemon slices (as in, pith and all) and said that once it sat for a bit it would be tasty. IT WAS NOT. ---
**Author:** ![An\_Gadai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@An\_Gadai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/An_Gadai)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2012, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/recipes-that-dont-work-please-bitch-here/612234/43 "2012-02-09T19:05:51Z")
> [@pulykamell](#): > > They are different, in fact. > > 1 US teaspoon = 4.9 mL > 1 UK teaspoon = 5.9 mL > > 1 US tablespoon = 14.8 mL > 1 UK tablespoon = 17.8 mL The only way it would really matter is if someone mixed up teaspoons with tablespoons. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2012, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/recipes-that-dont-work-please-bitch-here/612234/44 "2012-02-09T19:13:34Z")
> [@An\_Gadai](#): > > The only way it would really matter is if someone mixed up teaspoons with tablespoons. I wonder if there was a non-obvious abbreviation issue. In the US, people use both “T/t” and “tbsp/tsp” to represent “tablespoon/teaspoon.” ---
**Author:** ![salinqmind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3ec8ea/32.png) [@salinqmind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/salinqmind)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2012, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/recipes-that-dont-work-please-bitch-here/612234/45 "2012-02-09T21:28:10Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > There’s a lemon pie in the Pie and Pastry Bible that I tried once. I think it was called Shaker Lemon Pie. It used whole lemon slices (as in, pith and all) and said that once it sat for a bit it would be tasty. > > IT WAS NOT. Oh, I made that long time ago, from a recipe in a book by Jane and Michael Stern on American regional recipes. It was DIS-GUSTING! Yes! (Similarly, I read that back in pioneer days some of them made apple pie using cores, seeds, peel, and all - just cut up apples. No refinement!) ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2012, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/recipes-that-dont-work-please-bitch-here/612234/46 "2012-02-09T23:50:32Z")
> [@salinqmind](#): > > Oh, I made that long time ago, from a recipe in a book by Jane and Michael Stern on American regional recipes. It was DIS-GUSTING! Yes! (Similarly, I read that back in pioneer days some of them made apple pie using cores, seeds, peel, and all - just cut up apples. No refinement!) But Shaker Lemon pie is supposed to be like this. You have to slice the lemons real thin, but if you’re not into the whole idea of a pie filling that resembles marmalade or candied citrus peels more than anything else, you’re just not going to like the pie. That’s not the recipe “not working.” That’s the recipe not being for your tastes. I mean, read the comments [right here](http://allrecipes.com/recipe/shaker-lemon-pie/). The first comment supposes that it might be an acquired taste, given the consistency. It is. The presence of the whole rind is kinda the whole point of Shaker lemon pie. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2012, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/recipes-that-dont-work-please-bitch-here/612234/47 "2012-02-10T00:02:51Z")
OK, so between the ounces being different and the tablespoons being different, I probably had too much buttermilk and not enough baking soda, both. Screwing up the ratio of those two ingredients probably accounted for the poor results, since that’s the primary acid/base pair that leavens the bread. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2012, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/recipes-that-dont-work-please-bitch-here/612234/48 "2012-02-10T00:18:15Z")
> [@pulykamell](#): > > But Shaker Lemon pie is supposed to be like this. You have to slice the lemons real thin, but if you’re not into the whole idea of a pie filling that resembles marmalade or candied citrus peels more than anything else, you’re just not going to like the pie. That’s not the recipe “not working.” That’s the recipe not being for your tastes. I mean, read the comments [right here](http://allrecipes.com/recipe/shaker-lemon-pie/). The first comment supposes that it might be an acquired taste, given the consistency. It is. The presence of the whole rind is kinda the whole point of Shaker lemon pie. I love marmalade. This was _bitter_. Like, seriously bitter and gross. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2012, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/recipes-that-dont-work-please-bitch-here/612234/49 "2012-02-10T00:25:28Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > I love marmalade. This was _bitter_. Like, seriously bitter and gross. I don’t know what to say. If the recipe was anything like [this one](http://www.saveur.com/article/Recipes/Shaker-Lemon-Pie), you either just don’t like Shaker Pie, the lemons you were using had a thick or particularly bitter rind, or you didn’t slice them thinly enough. _shrug_ ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2012, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/recipes-that-dont-work-please-bitch-here/612234/50 "2012-02-10T00:28:15Z")
> [@Chronos](#): > > OK, so between the ounces being different and the tablespoons being different, I probably had too much buttermilk and not enough baking soda, both. Screwing up the ratio of those two ingredients probably accounted for the poor results, since that’s the primary acid/base pair that leavens the bread. That sounds like a reasonable possibility. You can try cheating with a bit of baking powder next time. That may help the leavening. The key is getting the right balance, as too much baking powder or baking soda will impart a bit of a bitter or powdery taste to the bread. Just remember not to knead the mixture _too_ well. The dough for soda bread should be fairly shaggy. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2012, 1:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/recipes-that-dont-work-please-bitch-here/612234/51 "2012-02-10T01:10:14Z")
> [@](#): > > Just remember not to knead the mixture too well. The dough for soda bread should be fairly shaggy. IIRC, the recipe I was using was more of a batter than a dough. And I’m quite familiar with the dangers of too much baking soda-- I think I’ve told that tale on here a few times. ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2012, 1:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/recipes-that-dont-work-please-bitch-here/612234/52 "2012-02-10T01:15:35Z")
> [@Chronos](#): > > IIRC, the recipe I was using was more of a batter than a dough. I’ve made many a loaf of this in Ireland from many a recipe, including one memorable time where the head chef showed me his brown bread technique in a restaurant kitchen, and can reassure you that it always looks like a batter before cooking. ETA: “brown bread technique” is not a euphemism. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![phall0106](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/phall0106/32/5934_2.png) [@phall0106](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phall0106)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2012, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/recipes-that-dont-work-please-bitch-here/612234/53 "2012-02-10T01:21:48Z")
> [@KneadToKnow](#): > > The sad part is, I was thinking the whole time, “God_damn_ that’s a lot of butter.” I laughed so hard at this, I was cryin’. Cryin’, I tells ya. Cryin’. ---
**Author:** ![Kyrie\_Eleison](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kyrie_eleison/32/7682_2.png) [@Kyrie\_Eleison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kyrie_Eleison)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2012, 6:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/recipes-that-dont-work-please-bitch-here/612234/54 "2012-02-10T06:02:02Z")
> [@Fenris](#): > > His french onion soup recipe called for apple juice or cider. Way, way too much apple juice/cider. The idea was it was supposed to cut the beef stock flavor. Chicken stock would have been better. As it was, the onion soup ended up tasting very, _very_ sweet and apple-y. Yuk I made that one once. And only once. Your description is exactly right. It was just nastily sweet, and not at all similar to French onion soup. It went in the trash, and we ordered delivery pizza. ---
**Author:** ![Rich\_Mann](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ce73a5/32.png) [@Rich\_Mann](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rich_Mann)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2012, 8:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/recipes-that-dont-work-please-bitch-here/612234/55 "2012-02-10T08:51:24Z")
My examples are both sort of ‘cart before the horse’. My Mom tried a recipe for marinading a brisket overnight before smoking. I’m pretty sure that her internal dialog went something like this as she walked from the cookbook to the spice shelf to the mixing bowl: ‘One tsp. of cayenne pepper’ ‘One tsp. of cayenne pepper’ ‘One tsp. of red pepper’ ‘One tsp. of red pepper’ -picks up bottle of red pepper flakes- ‘One tsp. of red pepper flakes’ ‘One tsp. of red pepper flakes’ -arrives at mixing bowl- ‘One tsp…huh, that can’t be right. Not nearly enough heat. Must have been one tbsp.’ Thing is that it turned out great! The whole family loved it. The next time she made it , she noticed her mistake and decided to do it ‘right’–assuming it would be even better. It sucked. I can’t say why exactly, but the flavor of cayenne just seemed wrong for smoked brisket–that, or we were expecting the same as before and it wasn’t. We now call her recipe “Mom’s mistake.” My own story: I had a great cookbook full of fantastic recipes that is now, unfortunately, long since lost. I wish I could remember the title. In it was a recipe for fried chicken that was fried at high temp. for a good, crispy crust and then finished in the oven, on wire racks, to cook it through. The book listed about 25 herbs and spices, and their measures, and suggested that you choose about 7 to 10 of your favorites to add to the flour for breading. I used everything that was on the list that I happened to have in my (somewhat depleted) spice rack at the time. Everyone (six of us) around the table agreed that it was the best fried chicken they had ever tasted! I didn’t make note of the herbs and spices I had used ☹ I made it several more times and it was always ‘meh’. Now I take notes when I deviate from a recipe in any way. Lesson learned. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2012, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/recipes-that-dont-work-please-bitch-here/612234/56 "2012-02-10T15:31:58Z")
> [@jjimm](#): > > I’ve made many a loaf of this in Ireland from many a recipe, including one memorable time where the head chef showed me his brown bread technique in a restaurant kitchen, and can reassure you that it always looks like a batter before cooking. > > ETA: “brown bread technique” is not a euphemism. 😉 Huh. I’m used to the dough being very wet and soft, but not quite liquid enough to call a batter. [The video here](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5LZXFfPmbU) shows the texture that I’m used to. That’s what I mean by a “shaggy dough.” ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2012, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/recipes-that-dont-work-please-bitch-here/612234/57 "2012-02-10T18:19:00Z")
> [@Rich\_Mann](#): > > My examples are both sort of ‘cart before the horse’. > > My Mom tried a recipe for marinading a brisket overnight before smoking…\… > > The next time she made it , she noticed her mistake and decided to do it ‘right’–assuming it would be even better. > > It sucked. I can’t say why exactly, but the flavor of cayenne just seemed wrong for smoked brisket–that, or we were expecting the same as before and it wasn’t. > > We now call her recipe “Mom’s mistake.” Maybe the second time she made it \*after \*smoking and forgot what to do. ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2012, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/recipes-that-dont-work-please-bitch-here/612234/58 "2012-02-10T18:55:36Z")
> [@needscoffee](#): > > Maybe the second time she made it \*after \*smoking and forgot what to do. I was just wondering, how the hell do you keep the end of the brisket\* lit\*? ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2012, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/recipes-that-dont-work-please-bitch-here/612234/59 "2012-02-10T19:26:33Z")
Alton’s had a couple that didn’t work for me. One memorable one was his [tomato sauce recipe](http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/alton-brown/pantry-friendly-tomato-sauce-recipe/index.html); way too sweet, and the comments seem to agree with me. I suppose the sweetness might vary, depending on the brands of tomatoes, wine, onions, and carrots you use, but it came out crazy-sweet. His [chocolate mousse recipe](http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/good-eats/chocolate-mousse-recipe/index.html), on the other hand, was magnificent. A recent one that I haven’t tried yet, but doesn’t look right: [Genghis Grill 3G Sauce](http://www.copycatrecipeguide.com/How_to_Make_Genghis_Grill_3G_Sauce). I think they accidentally switched the measurements for the soy sauce and the corn syrup, since the restaurant’s nutrition guide lists “soy sauce” as the first ingredient, which should make it the most plentiful ingredient in the recipe. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2012, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/recipes-that-dont-work-please-bitch-here/612234/60 "2012-02-10T19:29:01Z")
> [@KneadToKnow](#): > > I made a batch of gluten-free green bean casserole for Thanksgiving this year that was a complete and utter disaster even though I’d made it successfully before. > > Turned out what I read … and I stress this: _read repeatedly_ as “2 lbs. butter” was, in fact, “2 Tbs. butter.” > > I really need to go back to cooking with the lights on. I copied a recipe from my mom for Roll Kuchen (a deep-fried bread that is eaten with watermelon), and wrote down the salt as “2 cups of salt.” I looked at this when I went to make the recipe and saw right away that that couldn’t possibly be right - that would make play-dough! > [@Rich\_Mann](#): > > \ > In it was a recipe for fried chicken that was fried at high temp. for a good, crispy crust and then finished in the oven, on wire racks, to cook it through. > > The book listed about 25 herbs and spices, and their measures, and suggested that you choose about 7 to 10 of your favorites to add to the flour for breading. I used everything that was on the list that I happened to have in my (somewhat depleted) spice rack at the time. > > Everyone (six of us) around the table agreed that it was the best fried chicken they had ever tasted! > > I didn’t make note of the herbs and spices I had used ☹ > > I made it several more times and it was always ‘meh’. > > Now I take notes when I deviate from a recipe in any way. Lesson learned. My husband and I tossed a bunch of stuff in a bowl to make salsa, and it was the same deal - it was the best salsa we’ve ever had, and we haven’t been able to duplicate it since. Sigh. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/recipes-that-dont-work-please-bitch-here/612234.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/recipes-that-dont-work-please-bitch-here/612234.md?page=4)