# Recipes that don't work. Please bitch here. **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 8, 2012, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/recipes-that-dont-work-please-bitch-here/612234 "2012-02-08T21:43:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2012, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/recipes-that-dont-work-please-bitch-here/612234/81 "2012-02-15T20:38:21Z")
Blue cheese walnut pasta. I forget where I got the recipe from now but it was absolutely inedible. I went back and made certain that I’d used the proper amounts of everything, since I rarely screw something like that up. We tossed it. Allrecipes is also horribly bland, though a good “wikipedia of food” in certain cases. This past weekend I was baking in the SO’s poorly outfitted kitchen and was making a recipe I’d made a thousand times, whole wheat banana bread. I was making it with Whole Foods bulk-bin whole wheat instead of King Arthur’s white whole wheat so it looked a little different, a bit browner. And it had a thinner consistency, must have been the Midwest… 2 minutes in the oven and I realize I used the oblong, goofy looking half cup measure instead of the whole cup measure for flour :smack:. I actually salvaged it by stirring extra flour into the 3 mini loaf pans with a fork, but some of the chocolate chips melted so it looked oddly dark brown (but still tasted great!) ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2012, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/recipes-that-dont-work-please-bitch-here/612234/82 "2012-02-15T20:49:34Z")
Holy crap, the Retro Recipe Attempts lady is from my town! ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2012, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/recipes-that-dont-work-please-bitch-here/612234/83 "2012-02-15T21:01:49Z")
> [@Athena](#): > > That’s part of the reason why I don’t like it. For me (somebody who is a big fan of spice), I just make a mental note to double or triple the pepper/red pepper flakes/ Tabasco or whatever hot thing it’s calling for) on All Recipes. ---
**Author:** ![Vihaga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Vihaga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vihaga)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2012, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/recipes-that-dont-work-please-bitch-here/612234/84 "2012-02-15T21:25:30Z")
> [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](#): > > The crabcakes looked perfect: Golden brown, huge lumps of white crab flesh, lspiced with Old BAy, with just enough filler to hold them together. > > But they tasted like alka-seltzer tablets without the fizz. > > AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH! > > \<\\> > > [sub]this was back in 1982 or so yet I still feel the loss[/sub] A good crab cake might be my favorite food ever, so this one is especially heartbreaking. I can’t remember the exact recipe names, but I’ve had a couple of misses from Mark Bittman’s International cookbook. One was a braised lamb shank recipe and the other was something curry-ish. Both were pretty much inedible, which is odd because I’ve never had a single miss from my tattered, stained copy of How to Cook Everything. ---
**Author:** ![fizzestothetop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e79b87/32.png) [@fizzestothetop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fizzestothetop)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2012, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/recipes-that-dont-work-please-bitch-here/612234/85 "2012-02-15T21:39:22Z")
Speaking of retro recipes, I discovered this blog recently and it’s an hilarious time suck full of horrifying and baffling recipes. The tuna recipes are particularly disturbing. > **[Home - Mid-Century Menu - Vintage Recipes & Shop](https://www.midcenturymenu.com/)** > > Ruth is the creator & culinary historian of Mid-Century Menu, where she recreates mid-century food much to the delight and horror of her readers. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2012, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/recipes-that-dont-work-please-bitch-here/612234/86 "2012-02-15T21:49:41Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > \ > This past weekend I was baking in the SO’s poorly outfitted kitchen and was making a recipe I’d made a thousand times, whole wheat banana bread. I was making it with Whole Foods bulk-bin whole wheat instead of King Arthur’s white whole wheat so it looked a little different, a bit browner. And it had a thinner consistency, must have been the Midwest… > > 2 minutes in the oven and I realize I used the oblong, goofy looking half cup measure instead of the whole cup measure for flour :smack:. I actually salvaged it by stirring extra flour into the 3 mini loaf pans with a fork, but some of the chocolate chips melted so it looked oddly dark brown (but still tasted great!) I posted it here when it happened a couple of months ago - I was making my usual double chocolate cookies, and I thought the dough looked a little sticker than usual. “No worries,” I thought, “the dough doesn’t look exactly the same each time I make it.” So I put the first tray of cookies in the oven, then I saw the measuring cup full of flour that I had measured out and forgot to mix into the batter. If ever there was a :smack: moment in a kitchen… ---
**Author:** ![salinqmind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3ec8ea/32.png) [@salinqmind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/salinqmind)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2012, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/recipes-that-dont-work-please-bitch-here/612234/87 "2012-02-16T01:56:19Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > I posted it here when it happened a couple of months ago - I was making my usual double chocolate cookies, and I thought the dough looked a little sticker than usual. “No worries,” I thought, “the dough doesn’t look exactly the same each time I make it.” So I put the first tray of cookies in the oven, then I saw the measuring cup full of flour that I had measured out and forgot to mix into the batter. If ever there was a :smack: moment in a kitchen… And I will admit I did this, too (forget to add the flour) to a batch of pumpkin bread. Two coffee cans of batter, full of expensive pecans, bubbling away in the oven… ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2012, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/recipes-that-dont-work-please-bitch-here/612234/88 "2012-02-16T18:39:01Z")
I’ve left out the eggs more times than I’d like to admit. ---
**Author:** ![rhubarbarin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eb9ed0/32.png) [@rhubarbarin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rhubarbarin)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2012, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/recipes-that-dont-work-please-bitch-here/612234/89 "2012-02-16T18:43:56Z")
I seriously can’t remember ever following a recipe that didn’t work. However I like to do culinary experiments with no recipe (and sometimes no measurements) and that has produced the occasional inedible failure. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2012, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/recipes-that-dont-work-please-bitch-here/612234/90 "2012-02-16T19:06:26Z")
> [@fizzestothetop](#): > > Speaking of retro recipes, I discovered this blog recently and it’s an hilarious time suck full of horrifying and baffling recipes. The tuna recipes are particularly disturbing. > > [http://www.midcenturymenu.com/](http://www.midcenturymenu.com/) Holy crap, you at least have to check out her [Quick Brownies](http://www.midcenturymenu.com/2012/01/quick-brownies-a-mid-century-recipe-test/) (sweetened condensed milk + chocolate chips + walnuts + vanilla extract + a little salt = decent brownies) and [Tunnel of Fudge Cake](http://www.midcenturymenu.com/2011/06/tunnel-of-fudge-cake-a-mid-century-recipe-test/) (mix together a batter that includes Jiffy Fudge Frosting Mix blended in, cook exactly long enough, and you magically get a “molten lava”-style fudge-filled cake). Those actually looked good, and the tester’s husband enthusiastically agreed! ---
**Author:** ![That\_Don\_Guy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/that_don_guy/32/538_2.png) [@That\_Don\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/That_Don_Guy)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2012, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/recipes-that-dont-work-please-bitch-here/612234/91 "2012-02-16T19:23:25Z")
> [@jjimm](#): > > But they’re the same, aren’t they? I think they’re “the same” in that, in both sets, 1 fluid ounce = 2 tablespoons = 6 teaspoons. The difference is in how a fluid ounce is defined. IIRC, in the UK, a fluid ounce is the volume of water that weighs one ounce at 62 degrees Fahrenheit. 1 ounce = exactly 28.349523125 g (BTW, this is the same in USA measurements), and if you assume that 1 cubic centimeter of water weighs 1 gram, 1 British fluid ounce = about 28.35 cubic centimeters. In the USA, one fluid ounce is exactly 231/128 cubic inches, or about 29.57 cubic centimeters. ---
**Author:** ![Labrador\_Deceiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7c8e57/32.png) [@Labrador\_Deceiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labrador_Deceiver)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2012, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/recipes-that-dont-work-please-bitch-here/612234/92 "2012-02-16T20:23:00Z")
> [@Max\_Torque](#): > > Alton’s had a couple that didn’t work for me. One memorable one was his [tomato sauce recipe](http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/alton-brown/pantry-friendly-tomato-sauce-recipe/index.html); way too sweet, and the comments seem to agree with me. I suppose the sweetness might vary, depending on the brands of tomatoes, wine, onions, and carrots you use, but it came out crazy-sweet. > > His [chocolate mousse recipe](http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/good-eats/chocolate-mousse-recipe/index.html), on the other hand, was magnificent. > > A recent one that I haven’t tried yet, but doesn’t look right: [Genghis Grill 3G Sauce](http://www.copycatrecipeguide.com/How_to_Make_Genghis_Grill_3G_Sauce). I think they accidentally switched the measurements for the soy sauce and the corn syrup, since the restaurant’s nutrition guide lists “soy sauce” as the first ingredient, which should make it the most plentiful ingredient in the recipe. I came to this thread just to post how shitty that mousse recipe was. Who the hell puts gelatin in chocolate mousse? The only mousse I’ve ever carved. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2017, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/recipes-that-dont-work-please-bitch-here/612234/93 "2017-07-31T15:12:30Z")
> [@Chronos](#): > > IIRC, the recipe I was using was more of a batter than a dough. > > And I’m quite familiar with the dangers of too much baking soda-- I think I’ve told that tale on here a few times. Hey, since this came up in the other thread, do you by any chance still have the recipe available? Another thought that occurred to me is that the buttermilk they have there may be different than here in terms of acidity. I know that what we call “buttermilk” in the stores is different than traditional buttermilk that was leftover from the butter making process. Don’t know if the same holds true over there or if the acidity between the two products is that different, but that would certainly be another possibility. ---
**Author:** ![stolatt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5e925/32.png) [@stolatt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stolatt)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2017, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/recipes-that-dont-work-please-bitch-here/612234/94 "2017-07-31T21:09:21Z")
What I thought sounded like a delicious summer pasta salad became this giant bowl of fuckery. Too many ingredients, I should have known better. All those textures, gah. ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2017, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/recipes-that-dont-work-please-bitch-here/612234/95 "2017-08-01T18:22:46Z")
> [@Smapti](#): > > I found a recipe for chicken tikka masala on Allrecipes once that would have been delicious, if not for the fact that it called for about four times as much salt as you’d want in such a dish. After tasting it, I read the comments on the recipe and pretty much every one of them was “needs less salt”. I find that many times the amount of soy sauce in a recipe is _holysweetjumpingjebus_ salty and it can be cut down drastically - make up the volume with mirin/sake/chicken stock or even plain water. Can’t find the recipe right now, but one in particular was for a mongolian beef - I think it called for half a cup of soy sauce, and the next time we made it we did 4 teaspoons soy sauce and the balance some sake we had sitting in the fridge and thickened with corn starch. > [@ZipperJJ](#): > > I made stuffed mushrooms the other day, for the first time, and the recipe failed to mention that the mushrooms would shrink about 30% (so don’t stuff too full) and all of that shrinkage is from water, which will end up in the bottom of your pan. > > They shoulda mentioned all that. My soggy shrooms made me very sad, especially after all the time they take to put together. WHen I can be forced to make stuffed mushrooms [highly allergic to portobellos, and even breathing the cooking fumes can trigger an allergic reaction now, it has been getting progressively worse over the years] I flip a cooling rack over and put it in the pan and set the filled shrooms on that to keep them off the bottom of hte pan and any liquid that may have cooked out. > [@Athena](#): > > Celebrity chefs, as a whole, write shitty cookbooks. > . Sometimes it isn’t even the recipes that suck - I once sent a letter to the publisher of Frugal Gourmet’s 3 Ancient Cuisines with something like 90 or so corrections in the blather he [or whomever] was spouting about the cultures …since one of my major hobbies is actually cooking from medieval and renaissance cooking documents [cookbooks as you will, but most people don’ t think of them as cook books because sometimes they are nothing more than a listing of ingredients.] [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/recipes-that-dont-work-please-bitch-here/612234.md?page=4)