Danimal, since I folded, I checked.
Gimli chants it, and then
From my old, old book of nursery rhymes:
“A man who hath plenty of good peanuts
And giveth his neighbor none,
Shan’t have any of my peanuts
When his peanuts are gone.”
(That always sort of made me sad for the guy with no peanuts. So what if he was selfish when he had peanuts? I think it’s worse to be vengeful about your peanut distribution under any circumstances.)
What, no G&S patter-songs?
When you’re lying awake with a dismal headache, and repose is taboo’d by anxiety,
I concieve you may use any language you choose to indulge in, without impropriety;
For your brain is on fire, and the bedclothes conspire of usual slumber to plunder you;
First your counterpane goes and uncovers your toes, then your sheet slips demurely from under you.
And the blanketing tickles, you feel like mixed pickles, so terribly sharp is the pricking,
And you’re hot and you’re cross and you tumble and toss till there’s nothing 'twixt you and the ticking;
Then your bedclothes all creep to the ground in a heap, and you pick 'em all up in a tangle,
Next your pillow resigns, and politely declines to remain at its usual angle!
Well, you get some repose in the form of a doze with hot eyeballs and head ever aching,
But your slumbering teems with such horrible dreams that you’d very much better be waking:
For you dream you are crossing the Channel, and tossing about in a steamer from Harwich,
Which is somewhere between a large bathing machine and a very small second-class carriage,
And you’re giving a treat, penny ice and cold meat, to a party of friends and relations;
They’re a ravenous horde, and they all came on board at Sloane Square and South Kensington Stations.
And bound on that journey you find your attorney, who started that morning from Devon;
He’s a bit undersized, and you don’t feel surprised when he tells you he’s only eleven.
Well, you’re driving like mad with this singular lad – by the by, the ship’s now a four-wheeler –
And you’re playing round games, and he calls you bad names when you tell him that ties pay the dealer,
But this you can’t stand, so you throw up your hand, and you find you’re as cold as an icicle
In your shirt and your socks, the black silk with gold clocks, crossing Salisbury Plain on a bicycle.
He and the crew are on bicycles too, which they’ve somehow or other invested in,
And he’s telling the tars all the particulars of a company he’s interested in.
It’s a scheme of devices to get at low prices all goods from cough mixtures to cables,
Which tickled the sailors, by treating retailers as though they were all vegetables.
You get a good spadesman to plant a small tradesman – first take off his boots with a boot-tree –
And his legs will take root, and his fingers will shoot, and they’ll blossom and bud like a fruit-tree,
From the greengrocer tree you get grapes and green pea, cauliflowers, pineapple, and cranberries,
While the pastrycook plant cherry brandy will grant, apple puffs and three-corners and Banburies;
The shares are a penny, and ever so many are taken by Rothschilds and Barings,
And just as a few are allotted to you, you awake with a shudder despairing:
You’re a regular wreck, with a crick in your neck, and no wonder you snore, for your head’s on the floor, and you’ve needles and pins from your soles to your shins, and your flesh is acreep, for your left leg’s asleep, and you’ve cramp in your toes and a fly on your nose and some fluff in your lung and a feverish tongue and a thirst that’s intense and a general sense that you haven’t been sleeping in clover,
But the darkness is past, and it’s daylight at last,
And the night has been long, ditto ditto my song,
And thank goodness they’re both of them over!
Damn that was hard to type…
That’s great! Before I only had it to 15 places:
“How I need a drink, (alcoholic of course,) after the heavy lectures of quantum mechanics.”
Ooo, Katisha, I’d forgotten about Gilbert and Sullivan! Here’s the first G&S song I ever heard (and it took me forever to figure out all the words - the memorization was just a side effect):
I am the very model of a modern major general
I’ve information vegetable animal and mineral
I know the kings of England and I quote the fights historical
From Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical
I’m very well acquainted too with matters mathematical
I understand equations both the simple and quadratical
About binomial thereom I am teeming with a lot of news…
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse!
(With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse!)
I’m very good at integral and differential calculus
I know the scientific names of beings animalculus
In short in matters vegetable animal and mineral
I am the very model of a modern major general
(In short, in matters vegetable animal and mineral
He is the very model of a modern major general)
I know our mythic history King Arthur’s and Sir Caradoc’s
I answer hard acrostics I’ve a pretty taste for paradox
I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of [something]
In conics I can floor peculiarities parabolus
I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and Zoffanies
I know the croaking chorus from the frogs of Aristophanes
And I can a fugue of which I’ve heard the music’s din afore…
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore!
(And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore!)
Then I can write a washing bill in Babylonic cuneiform
And tell you every detail of [something]'s uniform
In short in matters vegetable animal and mineral
I am the very model of the modern major general
(In short in matters vegetable animal and mineral
He is the very model of a modern major general)
In fact when I know what is meant by mamelon and ravelin
When I can tell at sight a [something] rifle from a javelin
When such affairs as sorties and surprises I’m more wary at
And when I know precisely what is meant by commisariat
When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern gunnery
When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery
In short when I’ve a smattering of elemental strategy…
You’ll say a finer major general has never sat a gee!
(You’ll say a finer major general has never sat a gee!)
For my military knowledge though I’m plucky and adventury
Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century
But still in matters vegetable animal and mineral
I am the very model of a modern major general
(But still in matters vegetable animal and mineral
He is the very model of a modern major general)
Nice one! The missing words, respectively:
“I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus” (a Roman emperor who made his triumphal entry in drag)
“And tell you every detail of Caractacus’s uniform” (a legendary hero of prehistoric, or possibly Roman Britain)
“When I can tell at sight a chassepot rifle from a javelin” (I don’t know what a chassepot rifle is, but of course it’s considerably different from a javelin! ;))
Here’s another particularly sticky patter number…
Oh, my name is John Wellington Wells,
I’m a dealer in magic and spells,
In blessings and curses and ever-filled purses,
In prophecies, witches, and knells.
If you’d like an old foe to “make tracks,”
If you’d melt a rich uncle in wax,
You’ve but to look in on the resident Djinn,
Number seventy, Simmery Axe.
We’ve a first-class assortment of magic,
And for raising a posthumous shade
With effects that are comic or tragic,
There’s no cheaper house in the trade!
Love-philtre? We’ve quantities of it,
And for knowledge if anyone burns,
We keep a very small prophet, a prophet
Who brings us unbounded returns!
For he can prophecy
With a wink of his eye,
Peep with security
Into futurity,
Sum up your history,
Clear up a mystery,
Humor proclivity
For a nativity,
For a nativity.
He has answers oracular,
Bogies spectacular,
Tetrapods tragical,
Mirrors so magical,
Facts astronomical,
Solemn or comical,
And if you want it, he
Makes a reduction on taking a quantity, oh!
If anything anyone lacks,
He’ll find it all ready in stacks,
If he’ll only look in on the resident Djinn,
Number seventy, Simmery Axe!
He can raise you hosts of ghosts,
And that without reflectors,
And creepy things with wings,
And gaunt and grisly specters.
He can fill you crowds of shrouds,
And horrify you vastly;
And creepy things with wings,
And gibberings grim and ghastly!
Then, if you plan it, he
Vexes humanity
With an urbanity
Full of Satanity,
With an organity
Fatal to vanity,
Driving your foes to the verge of insanity!
Barring tautology
In demonology,
'Lectro-biology,
Mystic nosology,
Spirit philology,
High-class astrology;
Such is his knowledge, he
Isn’t the man to require and apology, oh!
My name is John Wellington Wells,
I’m a dealer in magic and spells,
In blessings and curses and ever-filled purses,
In prophecies, witches, and knells.
And if anyone anything lacks,
He’ll find it all ready in stacks,
If he’ll only look in on the resident Djinn,
Number seventy Simmery Axe!
Whew. I did crew for The Sorcerer last year, or I’d never remember all this… 
not a tough one, but I like the way I remember it.
Keep {kingdom}
Penises {phylum}
Covered {class}
Or {order}
Fucking {family}
Get {genus}
STD’s {species}
What can I say. I’m still clean, and I can still pass high school biology even though I hate the subject.
ahem.
That’s great it starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes an aeroplane, and Lenny Bruce is not afraid
Eye of a hurricane listen to your self churn world serves its own needs dummy serve your own needs speed it up a notch speak grunt no strength the ladder starts to clatter with fear fight down height
Wire in a fire represented seven games and a government for hire in a combat site
Lecter West a-coming in a hurry with the Furies breathing down your neck
Team by team reporters baffled trump tethered crop look at that low plane fine then
Uh oh, overflow, population common proof but it’ll do, save yourself, serve yourself, world serves its own needs listen to your heart bleed dummy with the rapture and the reverend and the right right
You vitriolic, patriotic, slam fight bright light feelin’ pretty psyched
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine
Six o’clock TV hour don’t get caught in foreign tower
Slash and burn, return, listen to yourself churn
Lock him in uniform and book-burning bloodletting
Every motive escalate auto mode incinerate
Light a candle light a votive step down step down
Watch a heel crush crush uh oh this means
No fear, cavalier, renegade and steer clear
A tournament, a tournament, a tournament of lies
Offer me solutions, offer me alternatives and I decline
(background: “Time I had some time alone”)
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine
I feel fine
(background: “Time I had some time alone”)
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine
The other night I dreamt of knives, continental drift divide, mountains sit in a line, LEONARD BERNSTEIN
Leonid Brezhnev, Lenny Bruce and Lester Bangs
Birthday party, cheesecake, jelly bean boom
You symbiotic, patriotic, slam the net - right? Right!
(background: “Time I had some time alone”)
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine
It’s the end of the world as we know it…(repeat, fade out)
Oh, and by the way, my mnemonic for the Linnean taxonomy system was “Kenneth, please come over for gay sex.”
Xena sings this song too; it’s worth checking out.
BaltimoreNationalPikeBaltimoreYorkRoadCockeysvilleOrdnanceRoadGlenBurnieandourgrandopeninginBurtonsvilleatUSRoute29and198!
(from a furniture store commercial of 20 years ago, the above passage rattled off lickety-split without stopping for breath, like the famous Federal Express ads of a few years later)
Meienzit, ane nit, vröuden git, widerstrit
sin widerkomen kan uns allen helfen.
Uf dem plan ane wan siht man stan wolgetan
liehtiu bruniu blüemel bi den gelfen.
And lest we forget our very own Kimstu’s I Am The Very Model of a Modern Libertarian.
And my own take on it, I Am the Very Model of a Modern Star Trek PTB – not as good as either of those, but what the hell…
The dative German prepositions are aus, ausser, bei, mit, nach, seit, von, zu, and gegenuber vor.
The accusative ones are on, auf, hinter, in, neben, uber, unter, vor and zwischen.
Durch, fuhr, gegen, ohne, and um - I can’t remember what they do.
Mother Very Easily Made A Jelly Sandwich Under No Protest is better - Mars, Venus, Earth, Mars, Asteroid Belt, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto - thanks Robert Heinlein.
On Old Olympus’ Towering Top, A Fat-Assed German Vends Spanish Hops - any medical students in the house? Olfactory, Optical, Oculomotor, Trigeminal, Trochlear, Auditory, Facial, Glossopharyngeal, Vagus, Spinal Accessory, Hippocampus - I think. The cranial nerves.
1s2, 2s2, 2p6… The order in which the electron orbits fill in the hydrogen atom.
The five pillars of Islam - the confession of faith (“There is no God but Allah, and Mohammed is His prophet”), prayer five times a day, almsgiving, the Hajj, and fasting during the month of Ramadan from sun up to sun down, and it is sun up when you can distinguish between a black thread and a white one.
And (with thanks to my first grade Sunday School teacher, Ms. Herman) -
"There were twelve disciples,
Jesus called to help Him -
Simon Peter, Andrew, James, his brother John,
Philip, Thomas, Matthew, James the son of Alphaeus,
Thaddeus, Simon, Judas, and Bartholomew.
He has called us too,
He has called us too,
We are His disciples,
We His work can do!"
I can go on like this for days, and have been known to.
Regards,
Shodan