# Reconciling partner's marijuana use (Long, sorry!) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 18, 2011, 7:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reconciling-partners-marijuana-use-long-sorry/568058 "2011-01-18T07:31:01Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2011, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reconciling-partners-marijuana-use-long-sorry/568058/21 "2011-01-18T16:06:36Z")
[QUOTE=EnginNerd;13367501I’m not completely sure I agree with that last sentence. I’ve dated people that drink socially and I don’t have a problem with that even though I don’t drink myself. However, I’d draw the line at someone that needed to drink a lot every day. I don’t see this situation as all that different.[/QUOTE] Bingo. ---
**Author:** ![EnginNerd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7ea924/32.png) [@EnginNerd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EnginNerd)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2011, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reconciling-partners-marijuana-use-long-sorry/568058/22 "2011-01-18T16:11:39Z")
> [@fuzzypickles](#): > > Therefore, it’s none of your concern – seriously. Would you react this way if you discovered a script for antibiotics? :rolleyes: I don’t have a problem with the use in general. Especially because it’s (for the most part) done legally. My reason for starting this thread is because I’m not sure at what point I should be concerned (if at all..). I have to admit, I don’t have a lot of close friends that use marijuana and I don’t really have any experience with it myself, so I’m just trying to think about this and figure out if I should be concerned or if I even should be telling him my concerns. ---
**Author:** ![6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e19adc/32.png) [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2011, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reconciling-partners-marijuana-use-long-sorry/568058/23 "2011-01-18T16:20:38Z")
> [@EnginNerd](#): > > Thinking about it, though, I may have given him the impression that _I’m completely okay with whatever level of use he may have_,\* but\* after examining my thoughts over the past couple of weeks, _that doesn’t seem to be true_. I think the biggest issue is that my perception of him has completely changed now that I know about this compared to when we first met. _This_, and this. What I meant in my previous post is that it’s fine to not be okay with it at all, if that’s how you feel. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2011, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reconciling-partners-marijuana-use-long-sorry/568058/24 "2011-01-18T16:25:43Z")
You’ve been seeing him for 2 and a half years and didn’t notice anything that bothered you. Now you find out he likes to get high and it bothers you. You are neurotic. Try smoking a little weed to chill out. ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2011, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reconciling-partners-marijuana-use-long-sorry/568058/25 "2011-01-18T16:30:43Z")
> [@Ogre](#): > > But here’s the thing: you might just have to ask if you’re OK with the possibility that your SO just likes to get high. He might simply have discovered that he likes the feeling, and his marijuana use is unconnected with any real malady. Have you ever smoked? Would you consider doing so to see what it’s like? Would you stay in the room if he were smoking? BTW, these were not intended to be rhetorical questions. If you’re willing to answer them, I’d be interested in the responses. ---
**Author:** ![EnginNerd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7ea924/32.png) [@EnginNerd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EnginNerd)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2011, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reconciling-partners-marijuana-use-long-sorry/568058/26 "2011-01-18T16:30:48Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > You’ve been seeing him for 2 and a half years and didn’t notice anything that bothered you. Now you find out he likes to get high and it bothers you. You are neurotic. Try smoking a little weed to chill out. I figured someone would come along and say this. He’s only been doing this for the past year (and I was out of the country for 3 months of that, not able to see him in person that entire time). The truth is I had been noticing things recently (before I knew), but I never really put the pieces together. Whether I should care, though, I guess is what I’m unsure of. And indeed, I am neurotic; I’ll be the first to admit that. ---
**Author:** ![EnginNerd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7ea924/32.png) [@EnginNerd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EnginNerd)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2011, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reconciling-partners-marijuana-use-long-sorry/568058/27 "2011-01-18T16:34:05Z")
> [@Ogre](#): > > BTW, these were not intended to be rhetorical questions. If you’re willing to answer them, I’d be interested in the responses. Well, I’m not sure actually. I guess if I think about him being high and hanging out with me, it seems like we’re just operating at different wavelengths. It can be annoying that maybe he’s tired or doesn’t really want to go do anything, but I’m sure I have my share of annoying traits at times. I don’t really want to be in the room when he smokes, but that’s mainly because I really don’t like the smell of the stuff. I haven’t tried the stuff myself, I don’t really have any desire to. I’ve asked him to explain what he gets out of it, but he seems to be unable to. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2011, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reconciling-partners-marijuana-use-long-sorry/568058/28 "2011-01-18T16:38:10Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > You’ve been seeing him for 2 and a half years and didn’t notice anything that bothered you. Now you find out he likes to get high and it bothers you. You are neurotic. Try smoking a little weed to chill out. Bahh, there is big difference between seeing someone and living with them. What may be tolerable behavior for the seeing phase could well and reasonably be untolerable behavior for the living with/marriage phase. Also, its a hell of a lot easier to HIDE said untolerable behaviour in the first place in the seeing phase. I dont think the OP needs to freak out. But I certaintly think her concerns are worth adressing. ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2011, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reconciling-partners-marijuana-use-long-sorry/568058/29 "2011-01-18T16:38:34Z")
> [@](#): > > I haven’t tried the stuff myself, I don’t really have any desire to. I’ve asked him to explain what he gets out of it, but he seems to be unable to. From an experiential standpoint, maybe there’s only one way to understand. Pot is not physically addictive (although I’ve known many a stoner who THOUGHT they couldn’t deal without it). Maybe you should see what it’s all about. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2011, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reconciling-partners-marijuana-use-long-sorry/568058/30 "2011-01-18T16:43:38Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > Bahh, there is big difference between seeing someone and living with them. What may be tolerable behavior for the seeing phase could well and reasonably be untolerable behavior for the living with/marriage phase. Also, its a hell of a lot easier to HIDE said untolerable behaviour in the first place in the seeing phase. > > I dont think the OP needs to freak out. But I certaintly think her concerns are worth adressing. You should heed the same advice I gave the OP. ---
**Author:** ![ratatoskK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ratatoskk/32/2987_2.png) [@ratatoskK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ratatoskK)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2011, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reconciling-partners-marijuana-use-long-sorry/568058/31 "2011-01-18T16:50:03Z")
> [@EnginNerd](#): > > Would I be overstepping my bounds to ask him to reduce his intake or quit completely? Yes, that would be overstepping. But everything else you’ve said is totally reasonable. Personally, I smoke it occasionally but I would not want to be intimately involved with someone who smokes it throughout the day (unless he were really sick and needed it for pain), and it sounds as though you think your SO might be doing that. So if he is, and you don’t feel comfortable with that, my response would not be to ask him to stop, it would be to reduce intimacy with that person and find someone else. But the main thing is to have open communication about it. If you have shown him that you can talk openly about it and not freak out then you two should just have an open discussion about it and you will each have to make your own decisions about what to tolerate. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2011, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reconciling-partners-marijuana-use-long-sorry/568058/32 "2011-01-18T16:56:28Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > You should heed the same advice I gave the OP. I’d rather not. Its quite apparent what it does to one’s critical thinking skills. Back to the OP. A suggestion. This problem does NOT NEED TO BE SOLVED RIGHT NOW!! You’ve got plenty of time to think this through, get advice, find out whats really going on, and figure out how you want to deal with it. I say this just because I often get the impression when folks have these sorts of problems, they confuse the need to work it out as a sense of urgency about the whole thing if you know what I mean. ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2011, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reconciling-partners-marijuana-use-long-sorry/568058/33 "2011-01-18T16:58:34Z")
> [@](#): > > Its quite apparent what it does to one’s critical thinking skills. FTR, this is not necessarily true at all. ---
**Author:** ![EnginNerd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7ea924/32.png) [@EnginNerd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EnginNerd)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2011, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reconciling-partners-marijuana-use-long-sorry/568058/34 "2011-01-18T17:04:50Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > But I certaintly think her concerns are worth adressing. His, by the way > [@billfish678](#): > > Back to the OP. A suggestion. This problem does NOT NEED TO BE SOLVED RIGHT NOW!! > > You’ve got plenty of time to think this through, get advice, find out whats really going on, and figure out how you want to deal with it. > > I say this just because I often get the impression when folks have these sorts of problems, they confuse the need to work it out as a sense of urgency about the whole thing if you know what I mean. Oh, definitely. I’ve been thinking about it a lot, which is why I thought I’d bring it up here. There’s no pressing urgency that I’m feeling, but I’m just trying to sort through all my thoughts. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2011, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reconciling-partners-marijuana-use-long-sorry/568058/35 "2011-01-18T17:32:24Z")
First off, I find it bothersome that he withheld information from you that he believed you’d have a problem with if you knew about it. Whether weed is in fact a big deal, a little deal, or no deal at all, the reality is that he hid this from you because he didn’t want to deal with the reaction that you are perfectly entitled to have. Has he acknowledged and apologized for being so immature and unfair to you? If not, he should have a long time ago. That alone is just cause for concern. He could be hiding other things from you, using the same immature rationale. Secondly, I sympathize with your unease. My ex went through a short-lived phase of smoking weed at a frequency that got on my last nerves. Never saw him doing it, but I’d come home from work and find him on the couch with zoned out eyes, acting all goofy and space cadetty. Not attractive to me. After putting up with that for about two weeks (maybe less), I told him that I couldn’t handle it; it was either the weed or me. He hated that ultimatum, but whatever…he shouldn’t have let it get to that point in the first place. Third, I think a lot of your unease comes from the fact that he wasn’t upfront. His secrecy has made you feel like he has something to be secret about. If he’d said to you early on “look, I smoke weed sometimes. I use it to unwind occasionally, but it’s not a habit. Okay?” I don’t think you would be so focused on his frequency of use. But since he didn’t do that, now you’re looking for signs of a problem. And I think that’s an understandable reaction; that’s why secrecy and lies (including lies of ommission) are destructive to a relationship. You need to accept whether you can get past the secrecy on your own, without assurances from your partner that he’s not a certified pot head. I say this because I don’t think those assurances will be convincing to you, due to the trust issues yall now have. If he’s failed to show sufficient remorse for hiding this from you in the first place, this is especially the case. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2011, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reconciling-partners-marijuana-use-long-sorry/568058/36 "2011-01-18T17:32:45Z")
> [@fuzzypickles](#): > > \ > > Therefore, it’s none of your concern – seriously. Would you react this way if you discovered a script for antibiotics? :rolleyes: I don’t agree with this at all. **EngiNerd** thought he was with a non-drug-user, and now he knows that he is with a drug-user - that is indeed a game-changer. Marijuana is not antibiotics; you’re talking about apples and oranges here. I don’t really know what to tell you, **EngiNerd** , except to be true to yourself. If you decide that you can’t be with someone who smokes up every day, that’s how it is. Don’t let overly-defensive people here make you think there’s something wrong with you if you don’t accept something that isn’t acceptable to you. ---
**Author:** ![MPB\_in\_Salt\_Lake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MPB\_in\_Salt\_Lake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MPB_in_Salt_Lake)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2011, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reconciling-partners-marijuana-use-long-sorry/568058/37 "2011-01-18T17:36:14Z")
> [@fuzzypickles](#): > > Cannabis doctors are VERY careful about discerning between patients who are responsible, and those at risk of drug abuse. Is this a serious statement or a woosh? ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2011, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reconciling-partners-marijuana-use-long-sorry/568058/38 "2011-01-18T17:37:33Z")
> [@](#): > > If you decide that you can’t be with someone who smokes up every day, that’s how it is. Has it been established that he smokes up every day? The majority of smokers I’ve ever known were occasional users, not dawn-to-dusk every-day wake-and-bakers. ---
**Author:** ![mischievous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@mischievous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mischievous)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2011, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reconciling-partners-marijuana-use-long-sorry/568058/39 "2011-01-18T18:24:48Z")
> [@EnginNerd](#): > > Before this whole mess happened, I know a friend of his would come to his house twice a week, and now I’ve learned that they were smoking (or eating ‘special’ things) together every time he was there. I’m at work when his friend isn’t, so I’m almost never around when his friend is. I don’t know how frequently he was doing it on his own, but I noticed he was smoking several times a day while I was there over the weekend. (Going out to get some ‘fresh air’ or ‘wood for the fireplace’) Um, wow, alarm bells. This is an established trend of getting high when you aren’t around and hiding it from you. And if he’s smoking several times a day when you are around, and he knows you’re uncomfortable with it, then he doesn’t sound like a casual user to me. If your partner was using occasionally, openly, and casually, that would be one thing. Pot’s pretty harmless. But the hiding and the frequency both suggest addiction (yes, I know marijuana isn’t physically addictive, but people can certainly become dependent on it) and fundamental dishonesty. I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. ---
**Author:** ![Ravenman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ravenman/32/2929_2.png) [@Ravenman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ravenman)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2011, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reconciling-partners-marijuana-use-long-sorry/568058/40 "2011-01-18T18:28:16Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > Don’t let overly-defensive people here make you think there’s something wrong with you if you don’t accept something that isn’t acceptable to you. Agreed. From what I read, the main problems are that the SO has been hiding a significant life activity from you, and it is making your relationship worse (because he is prone to laying around like a bum rather than doing things with you). The upshot here is that his habit (sounds more like an addiction to me) is causing negative consequences on the relationship, and you are more than in the right to expect some major changes if the relationship is going to continue. That would be the same advice I would say if he neglected the relationship and introduced issues of trust if he were heavily involved in any other substance, or activity, be it whittling, whiskey, World of Warcraft, or whathaveyou. The problems, if left ignored, are only going to get worse. Ignore all those who are insinuating that you’re too uptight because this issue is about marijuana. The real issue is the relationship, and he doesn’t seem to be holding up his end of the deal. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reconciling-partners-marijuana-use-long-sorry/568058.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reconciling-partners-marijuana-use-long-sorry/568058.md?page=3)