# "Rectum? Damn near killed'em!"- what's the joke that goes with this punchline? **URL:** \ **Category:** Factual Questions\ **Created:** [October 22, 2011, 1:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rectum-damn-near-killedem-whats-the-joke-that-goes-with-this-punchline/600444 "2011-10-22T13:45:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![drpepper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/8baadc/32.png) [@drpepper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drpepper)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2011, 1:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rectum-damn-near-killedem-whats-the-joke-that-goes-with-this-punchline/600444/1 "2011-10-22T13:45:23Z")
That’s it, really. I think this has been discussed here before in the larger context of punchlines in general, but I can never remember the joke. Or is it apocryphal? ---
**Author:** ![beowulff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beowulff/32/542_2.png) [@beowulff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/beowulff)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2011, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rectum-damn-near-killedem-whats-the-joke-that-goes-with-this-punchline/600444/2 "2011-10-22T13:49:31Z")
Kid: “Teacher, Billy fell off his bike and hurt his ass!” Teacher: “Rectum!” Kid: “Rectum? Damn near killed 'em!” ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2011, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rectum-damn-near-killedem-whats-the-joke-that-goes-with-this-punchline/600444/3 "2011-10-22T13:52:15Z")
The way I heard it: Billy came to school crying. The teacher asked, ‘What’s wrong, Billy?’ Billy replies, ‘My dog was following me to school, and an old Model T came up the street and hit him and the crank went right up his ass!’ The teacher said, ‘You mean “rectum”.’ 'Wrecked 'im, hell! It _killed_ ‘im!’ ---
**Author:** ![Arnold\_Winkelried](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Arnold\_Winkelried](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arnold_Winkelried)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2011, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rectum-damn-near-killedem-whats-the-joke-that-goes-with-this-punchline/600444/4 "2011-10-22T14:20:43Z")
I investigated that once, and found someone posting on a website (I forget which one) that an early reference was in an Irish play called [_Richard’s Cork Leg_](http://www.anglo-iren.de/richard/richard_p.htm) (by Brendan Behan), first conceived around 1960, and reconstructed by Alan Simpson, the editor of Behan’s Complete Plays, as a full-fledged play in 1972. I found this on Google Books: [A century of Irish drama: widening the stage By Stephen Watt, Eileen M. Morgan, Shakir M. Mustafa, p.141](http://books.google.com/books?id=5ufvnsX-ny8C&lpg=PA141&ots=V4ligVaONH&dq=%22richard's%20cork%20leg%22%20play%20%22wrecked%20him%22&pg=PA141#v=onepage&q=%22richard's%20cork%20leg%22%20play%20%22wrecked%20him%22&f=false) ISBN 0-253-33812-3 or 0-253-21419-X In this section of the book the authors are discussing the play _Richard Cork’s Leg_, and include the following excerpt: > [@](#): > > _Cronin._ He was shot in the arse hole. > _Mrs. Mallarkey._ Rectum, rectum. > _Cronin._ Wrecked him… it near killed him. ---
**Author:** ![Fish\_Cheer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fish_cheer/32/17179_2.png) [@Fish\_Cheer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fish_Cheer)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2011, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rectum-damn-near-killedem-whats-the-joke-that-goes-with-this-punchline/600444/5 "2011-10-22T14:28:44Z")
Doesn’t help the joke, but it bears repeating that the [rectum](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rectum) and the [arse hole](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anus) are indeed different things. ---
**Author:** ![Musicat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/musicat/32/20189_2.png) [@Musicat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Musicat)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2011, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rectum-damn-near-killedem-whats-the-joke-that-goes-with-this-punchline/600444/6 "2011-10-22T14:48:05Z")
> [@Fish\_Cheer](#): > > Doesn’t help the joke, but it bears repeating that the [rectum](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rectum) and the [arse hole](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anus) are indeed different things. Party-pooper. ---
**Author:** ![njtt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ecd19e/32.png) [@njtt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/njtt)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2011, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rectum-damn-near-killedem-whats-the-joke-that-goes-with-this-punchline/600444/7 "2011-10-22T14:51:55Z")
The version I heard was rather nastier. It involved the little boy telling a story about putting fireworks up cats’ arses: “Rectum? Blew 'em to pieces miss!” ---
**Author:** ![ticker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/d07c76/32.png) [@ticker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ticker)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2011, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rectum-damn-near-killedem-whats-the-joke-that-goes-with-this-punchline/600444/8 "2011-10-22T15:19:20Z")
> [@njtt](#): > > The version I heard was rather nastier. It involved the little boy telling a story about putting fireworks up cats’ arses: > “Rectum? Blew 'em to pieces miss!” “Rectum? Blew 'em clean off!” ---
**Author:** ![Paul\_in\_Qatar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ccd318/32.png) [@Paul\_in\_Qatar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Paul_in_Qatar)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2011, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rectum-damn-near-killedem-whats-the-joke-that-goes-with-this-punchline/600444/9 "2011-10-22T15:29:44Z")
“Want your nuts crushed?” ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2011, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rectum-damn-near-killedem-whats-the-joke-that-goes-with-this-punchline/600444/10 "2011-10-22T15:48:02Z")
In a related issue, the name of the planet\*\* Uranus \*\*is about to be changed to stop all the stupid jokes. The new name will be … ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2011, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rectum-damn-near-killedem-whats-the-joke-that-goes-with-this-punchline/600444/11 "2011-10-22T15:51:15Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > In a related issue, the name of the planet\*\* Uranus \*\*is about to be changed to stop all the stupid jokes. The new name will be … And in the name of Political Correctness, we’ll soon have Nativeamericanapolis, Nativeamericana. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2011, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rectum-damn-near-killedem-whats-the-joke-that-goes-with-this-punchline/600444/12 "2011-10-22T15:58:59Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > In a related issue, the name of the planet\*\* Uranus \*\*is about to be changed to stop all the stupid jokes. The new name will be … Urrectum ---
**Author:** ![fumster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e9c0ed/32.png) [@fumster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fumster)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2011, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rectum-damn-near-killedem-whats-the-joke-that-goes-with-this-punchline/600444/13 "2011-10-22T17:25:09Z")
A Boston Taxi driver sees man on the side of the road writhing in pain. He stops to help the man who can just get out the words “Take me to the hospital”. The driver says “Peter Bent?” and the man replies “Bent?, she damn near bit it off”. ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2011, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rectum-damn-near-killedem-whats-the-joke-that-goes-with-this-punchline/600444/14 "2011-10-22T17:32:06Z")
The “so-and-so got shot in the ass” version is the one Richard Pryor told, and thus the one I am most familiar with. ---
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2011, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rectum-damn-near-killedem-whats-the-joke-that-goes-with-this-punchline/600444/15 "2011-10-22T17:48:25Z")
> [@drpepper](#): > > That’s it, really. I think this has been discussed here before in the larger context of punchlines in general, but I can never remember the joke. Or is it apocryphal? We talked about this in another thread not too long ago. The “Little Johnny” jokes. Here’s how my mother told it in 1957: Little Johnny comes running up to his mother and says “A car ran over the dog’s ass.” Mother says “Now Johnny, it’s _rectum_.” Johnny says “Rectum, hell. It killed him.” . ---
**Author:** ![gaffa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e68b1a/32.png) [@gaffa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gaffa)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2011, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rectum-damn-near-killedem-whats-the-joke-that-goes-with-this-punchline/600444/16 "2011-10-22T18:00:35Z")
> [@Musicat](#): > > Party-pooper. I think I saw a German website devoted to party poopers. ---
**Author:** ![drpepper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/8baadc/32.png) [@drpepper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drpepper)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2011, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rectum-damn-near-killedem-whats-the-joke-that-goes-with-this-punchline/600444/17 "2011-10-23T02:27:18Z")
Of course; it’s all coming back to me now, so thank you all for the responses. Special recognition to **Arnold** for that very nice literary find. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2011, 5:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rectum-damn-near-killedem-whats-the-joke-that-goes-with-this-punchline/600444/18 "2011-10-23T05:28:11Z")
> [@Johnny\_L.A](#): > > And in the name of Political Correctness, we’ll soon have Nativeamericanapolis, Nativeamericana. There’s an old journalistic urban legend that a major newspaper (often said to be the _Boston Globe_) had a macro for all of its reporters’ word processing that would automatically replace the word “black” with “African American,” which led to the unfortunate headline, “Governor says next budget will be back in African American.” ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2011, 5:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rectum-damn-near-killedem-whats-the-joke-that-goes-with-this-punchline/600444/19 "2011-10-23T05:42:19Z")
> [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](#): > > There’s an old journalistic urban legend that a major newspaper (often said to be the _Boston Globe_) had a macro for all of its reporters’ word processing that would automatically replace the word “black” with “African American,” which led to the unfortunate headline, “Governor says next budget will be back in African American.” [Fresno _Bee_, Thursday July 19, 1990](http://202.38.93.17/bookcd/285/1.iso/amazing/back.txt). > [@](#): > > Since the Fresno Bee does not maintain a list of popular words to exclude from print, the substitution was definitely not a standard proofreader’s change caused by the desire to pander to political fashion (as Caen and others had implied). The incident was therefore either the result of maliciousness, or a deliberate prank. It’s still funny, but the joke is on those who think the joke is on the Fresno Bee. ---
**Author:** ![jayjay](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jayjay/32/6765_2.png) [@jayjay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayjay)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2011, 5:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rectum-damn-near-killedem-whats-the-joke-that-goes-with-this-punchline/600444/20 "2011-10-23T05:51:56Z")
In that vein, there was the American Family Association’s OneNewsNow website, which automatically changes “gay” in wire stories to “homosexual”. Which didn’t bode well when they [published an AP story about sprinter Tyson Gay qualifying for the 2008 Olympics in Beijing](http://voices.washingtonpost.com/sleuth/2008/07/christian_sites_ban_on_g_word.html).