Have at it, folks!
Garden State Brickface and Stucco!
If the winning designs for projects like the ones shown on Eyesore of the Month are any indication, then the White House would look like something like the corporate skyscraper headquarters of a fiendish intergalactic empire of “grey” aliens. Tacky is back in style, it seems.
Just look at the Freedom Tower
Can we please, please, please have the Green and Purple Snot House! Please!
Moats. With sharks. And a jacuzzi. With no sharks.
My White House would be a 500-foot-tall titanium cock studded with machine gun turrets and loudspeakers that broadcast topically relevant Bible verses round the clock.
My White House is surrounded by a lawn made entirely from shattered Coke bottles. Naked statues of every first lady from Martha Washington to Laura Bush spray root beer and grape soda from their upturned breasts.
My White House has a moat filled with heavy water. Beyond, bare concrete extends for three miles in every direction. Visitors may only approach by crawling backwards with a small American flag inserted in their anuses.
By law every morning school children pray to scale models of my White House.
My White House has 51 bedrooms, one for each state and Puerto Rico. They are furnished with heated waterbeds, wide-screen teevees, and minibars. Christian porn, professional football games, and movies about serial killers show 24 hours a day.
My White House serves only meat.
Every four years an auction is held for corporate sponsorship of my White House. The logo of the winning company is branded on the President’s left cheek.
My White House is the ultimate good.
Will the sharks have frickin’ lasers on their heads?
Learn from the past. Get a dry cleaner.
They better, it’s in the god-damn constitution. Ahem-
“A well-armed militia, being necessary to the security of the White House, the right of the sharks to bear frikkin’ lasers, shall not be infringed.”
Why? They’ll just lose your pants.