# Referee dividing chores **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 25, 2014, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/referee-dividing-chores/686916 "2014-04-25T02:10:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2014, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/referee-dividing-chores/686916/21 "2014-04-25T18:40:53Z")
Something’s not right here. A good clothier would be open until at least 6pm and I’ve never heard of a valet job that requires travel. :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2014, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/referee-dividing-chores/686916/22 "2014-04-25T19:12:29Z")
Thanks, all. There is some good perspective here. ---
**Author:** ![eclectic\_wench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ac91a4/32.png) [@eclectic\_wench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eclectic_wench)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2014, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/referee-dividing-chores/686916/23 "2014-04-25T22:43:00Z")
Late to the thread, but: forget all about ‘the fair way’. When there’s a baby and sleep deprivation involved, thinking in terms of fairness will kill you - next thing you know, you’re having a full-on snipefest about who took five minutes longer in the shower last Wednesday. You need to think in terms of what works best for your specific family on this specific day, not what’s fairest. Quick example: if I have to get up too early, I’m dead for the day. On the other hand, my husband gets more stressed than I do if he has to go through the full day without a break. So I do the night shift (specially since I’m breastfeeding), he gets up with the kids in the morning while I get a bit of extra sleep, and then I make sure he gets a couple of hours off during the day. I don’t have a clue whether our hours of work/baby/small kid/housework would add up evenly, but it works for us - it means we’re both at roughly the same level of fatigue by the end of the day, so even though one of us may be bearing the brunt of the work, neither of us is bearing the brunt of the resulting fatigue and/or stress. This kind of juggling is easier for us because we both work for ourselves, but you get the idea. There are going to be some days when one of you is full-on wrecked in the evening, or one of you just cannot face another nappy change, and the other one needs to take up the slack, even if that’s not fair. Your aim here isn’t to have things be fair; it’s to get everyone through the day without anyone’s head exploding. And yes, like \*\*steronz \*\*said, the ideal is when both parents are going above and beyond to make sure the other one doesn’t get overloaded. You won’t manage it every day, at least till the baby gets older, but it’s good to aim for it. ---
**Author:** ![HelenGawn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a88e4f/32.png) [@HelenGawn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HelenGawn)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2014, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/referee-dividing-chores/686916/24 "2014-04-25T23:49:33Z")
Just to give this ember a good puff, is either partner’s baby time mostly work or play? There will be more of the latter as the kid gets older, so this could be something to watch. OTOH, business trips are more like double shifts than regular office hours, so that’s a consideration. Parker may need more fun-baby-time for both their sakes. And it still gives Taylor some time for something else. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2014, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/referee-dividing-chores/686916/25 "2014-04-26T00:10:38Z")
Remember Alexander wasn’t no dummy: sometimes the solution to a complex problem is to cut through it. If P & T’s apartment doesn’t have a dishwasher, they should get one. If their landlord won’t allow a full size standalone model (the kind that has a countertop, and jacks in to the water faucet when you want to run it) there are countertop models that are more than powerful enough to sanitize baby things. They aren’t cheap ([this one](http://www.amazon.com/SPT-SD-2201S-Countertop-Dishwasher-Silver/dp/B004N4MSPO/ref=sr_1_3?s=appliances&ie=UTF8&qid=1398470572&sr=1-3&keywords=edgestar+dishwasher) is on the cheaper side at $219) but if P or T (whoever usually does this task) would pay $10 to get a half-hour of their day back, it pays for itself in under a month. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![OurLordPeace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/e8c25b/32.png) [@OurLordPeace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OurLordPeace)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2014, 1:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/referee-dividing-chores/686916/26 "2014-04-26T01:30:09Z")
> [@jtur88](#): > > I had the same question, and searched the thread for more clarification. > > Males and Females, in a healthy society, evolve gender-specific adult domestic roles for a very good reason – in order to assure that all tasks get covered. The male can do the traditionally male things, and the female can do the female things, and nothing will be left undone. The only people left unsatisfied will be the PC police, and who gives a shit about them?. That’s sexist. I really appreciated the OP using such generic names. Down with gender roles! ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2014, 1:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/referee-dividing-chores/686916/27 "2014-04-26T01:47:57Z")
How is Parker commuting to and from work? Is he or she driving? A commuter train? Three subway trains and a bus connection? If Parker is able to sleep, play Words with Friends, and catch up on the news during his/her commute, then that should count as leisure time, IMHO. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2014, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/referee-dividing-chores/686916/28 "2014-04-26T02:05:31Z")
I don’t think it’s possible to have a really even distribution of chores, but what should be even-ish for everyone’s sanity is a division that means that no one gets all the easy ones while the other gets all the hard ones. Or no one gets all the fun baby while the other gets only cranky baby. We all have chores we think are easy (I don’t mind doing laundry and cooking) while others are painful (I hate unloading the dishwasher and running the vacuum). If I always got stuck with the vacuuming and the dishwasher unloading, I’d be cross. ---
**Author:** ![pbbth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f9ae1b/32.png) [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2014, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/referee-dividing-chores/686916/29 "2014-04-26T02:20:16Z")
If you have money to throw at the problem I highly suggest you do it. The only people I know who manage to work two full time jobs between them and have a newborn without wanting to murder everything were people who had hired help…maids, nannies, whatever it was that they needed. If you don’t have money to throw at the problem you need to find a level of mess you are comfortable with and just accept a certain amount of filth. No one in your family will die if you don’t take a shower every day. No one will spontaneously catch fire if your laundry doesn’t make it into the hamper at the end of the night. If you spend a few months living on whole pieces of fruit, microwavable burritos and granola bars to avoid a build up of dishes you won’t get rickets or scurvy. That way the chores are fewer, easier to divy up and aren’t nearly as overwhelming so who does what matters much less. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2014, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/referee-dividing-chores/686916/30 "2014-04-26T02:36:24Z")
Oh believe me, money is being thrown with wild abandon, and there is no danger of being overwhelmed by excessive attention to cleanliness. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2014, 4:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/referee-dividing-chores/686916/31 "2014-04-26T04:18:58Z")
I wish you lived near me, **sven**. Since you don’t, here’s the advice I’d give. — It’s okay to let some things slide, **but not garbage**. Especially biohazards like diapers. Keep garbage in a bin at all costs, and empty that bin regularly at all costs. Don’t let dishes and pans sit caked with food, either. Scrape them, store any leftovers, and put them to soak. See, it’s okay for laundry to pile up (unless it’s got bodily fluids on it. Soak that stuff and wash it on hot ASAP.) Relatively clean dishes can pile up, books and toys can be scattered about. All that is okay because those items serve a purpose, and when you need them, you’ll find them wherever they are. But garbage serves no purpose except to take up space and de-sanitize your living space. — If you’re not already doing this, keep the baby’s clothes in bins. They are simply impossible to sort, as you’ve probably found out. One bin for shirts, another for onesies, one for socks and so forth. Wait to use the dresser when the clothes are large enough to fold. Then you can use the bins for toys or other junk. — Speaking of toys, don’t be shy about thinning them out. The kid can’t be too attached to stuff s/he had no input into choosing. When s/he is old enough to express preference, let hir take part in the regular cullings you’ll be doing. (Okay, I’m a bit biased after spending three years picking up after two kids who have apparently never been asked to thin out their toy collection.) — Try not to spread out too much. Dishes used outside of the kitchen/dining area should be brought back as soon as you’re finished. Clothes don’t belong in the bathroom unless they’re hanging up to dry, and so forth. You want a general idea of where stuff is. — Be well! ---
**Author:** ![jtur88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e9c0ed/32.png) [@jtur88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jtur88)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2014, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/referee-dividing-chores/686916/32 "2014-04-27T00:13:23Z")
> [@OurLordPeace](#): > > That’s sexist. I really appreciated the OP using such generic names. Down with gender roles! Welcome to your future. Leave me behind, please. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2014, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/referee-dividing-chores/686916/33 "2014-04-27T00:53:38Z")
> [@jtur88](#): > > Welcome to your future. Leave me behind, please. Will do. In practical terms, I wasn’t particularly trying to be PC. I primarily wanted to get the raw advice before it’s fed through everyone’s subconscious gender-role filters. ---
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2014, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/referee-dividing-chores/686916/34 "2014-04-27T01:04:46Z")
A good general approach for dividing things that are not pure numbers is for one person to divide the goodies (or the chores) into what he considers two equally fair groups, and the other person to select which group he wants. ---
**Author:** ![Dave\_Hartwick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7feea3/32.png) [@Dave\_Hartwick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dave_Hartwick)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2014, 8:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/referee-dividing-chores/686916/35 "2014-04-27T08:20:25Z")
I find it’s good to specialize. If one partner cooks better than the other, they get that job most nights. If there’s a job that one partner really hates, it’s nice of the other to pick that one up. I find there’s a lot of chores like that. Hated chores should count a little extra. An acquaintance divorced and was unhappy about it. I asked him what he might have done differently and he said he should have helped more with the indoor chores and not focused on the outdoor stuff so much. I also think it’s important to get the kids to clean up after themselves as soon as possible. Slob teenagers are annoying, slob adults are worse. I’m a slob, too. I find it hard to consistently get motivated to keep stuff clean. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2014, 12:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/referee-dividing-chores/686916/36 "2014-04-27T12:38:28Z")
> [@Dave\_Hartwick](#): > > I also think it’s important to get the kids to clean up after themselves as soon as possible. Slob teenagers are annoying, slob adults are worse. I’m a slob, too. I find it hard to consistently get motivated to keep stuff clean. My mother was a taskmaster when it came to making all her children clean. To this day, I still associate the smell of Lysol disinfectant when the theme songs of all the Saturday morning cartoons. But somehow I still became a slob. I try not to ever cross the line into second-degree squalor, but my house is a perpetual pigsty. Sometimes I’m tempted to have a slew of kids just so I can turn them into my housekeeping staff. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8c91f0/32.png) [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bam_Boo_Gut)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2014, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/referee-dividing-chores/686916/37 "2014-04-27T14:15:55Z")
Taylor gets to sleep in? That’s worth a lot of points - Taylor has to do everything else to break even! 😃 Parker gets what? Half an hour with baby in the morning then arrives home just around babys bedtime, another half an hour with baby or washing out bottles while their dinner gets cold. Taylor cooks and Parker can be home just a little earlier. The baby will soon ditch the bottles, mine was breastfed but she grabbed a cup and started drinking from it at six months. Never a sippy cup or a straw - so I never had to sterilize anything, but I know it’s tedious. ---
**Author:** ![OurLordPeace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/e8c25b/32.png) [@OurLordPeace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OurLordPeace)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2014, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/referee-dividing-chores/686916/38 "2014-04-27T15:48:13Z")
> [@jtur88](#): > > Welcome to your future. Leave me behind, please. Gladly. You’ve left yourself behind, actually. ---
**Author:** ![FeAudrey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/7feea3/32.png) [@FeAudrey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FeAudrey)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2014, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/referee-dividing-chores/686916/39 "2014-04-27T23:36:36Z")
> [@toofs](#): > > 1. Trade responsibilities occasionally. > [@Bricker](#): > > A good general approach for dividing things … is for one person to divide the goodies … and the other person to select which group he wants. This, and this, and as the canonical SDMB memorial third thing: > [@even\_sven](#): > > Parker has an an hour and fifteen minute commute … wakes early (often at 5 or 6 to give first bottle) and aims to sleep by 10:30. Parker may be a bit sleep-deprived, and that brutal commute can’t be helping. I’d prioritize solutions that increase the sleep and decrease commute time, several of which have been suggested by other posters. ---
**Author:** ![jtur88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e9c0ed/32.png) [@jtur88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jtur88)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2014, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/referee-dividing-chores/686916/40 "2014-04-28T04:49:31Z")
> [@OurLordPeace](#): > > Gladly. You’ve left yourself behind, actually. I’m at peace with myself. Are you? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/referee-dividing-chores/686916.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/referee-dividing-chores/686916.md?page=3)