# Referee dividing chores **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 25, 2014, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/referee-dividing-chores/686916 "2014-04-25T02:10:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![SmellMyWort](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea5d25/32.png) [@SmellMyWort](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmellMyWort)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2014, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/referee-dividing-chores/686916/41 "2014-04-28T15:58:22Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > How is Parker commuting to and from work? Is he or she driving? A commuter train? Three subway trains and a bus connection? > > If Parker is able to sleep, play Words with Friends, and catch up on the news during his/her commute, then that should count as leisure time, IMHO. That’s a good point. My post assumed a driving commute > [@jtur88](#): > > I’m at peace with myself. Are you? Maybe instead of continuing the derail you could provide examples of how the traditional gender-based division of labor you advocate would benefit a situation like the OP’s. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2014, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/referee-dividing-chores/686916/42 "2014-04-28T16:07:19Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > How is Parker commuting to and from work? Is he or she driving? A commuter train? Three subway trains and a bus connection? > > If Parker is able to sleep, play Words with Friends, and catch up on the news during his/her commute, then that should count as leisure time, IMHO. It’s a mix of busses, walking and subway. It’s not a particularly relaxing commute, as there are multiple transfers and you can’t really get settled in. ---
**Author:** ![FeAudrey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/7feea3/32.png) [@FeAudrey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FeAudrey)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2014, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/referee-dividing-chores/686916/43 "2014-04-28T16:17:47Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > Parker has an an hour and fifteen minute commute … a mix of busses, walking and subway … multiple transfers … My experience of that kind of thing suggests that Parker could drive it in twenty-thirty minutes, plus being relieved of worries about bad weather and missed connections. Might the budget stretch to a car for Parker’s commute? ---
**Author:** ![Erdosain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/erdosain/32/7284_2.png) [@Erdosain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Erdosain)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2014, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/referee-dividing-chores/686916/44 "2014-04-28T16:36:49Z")
> [@FeAudrey](#): > > My experience of that kind of thing suggests that Parker could drive it in twenty-thirty minutes, plus being relieved of worries about bad weather and missed connections. Might the budget stretch to a car for Parker’s commute? Depending on the logistics, my guess would be that an hour and fifteen minute public transit commute in the DC area would be a similar length in a car, depending on the direction travelled and whether Congress is in session. I think it’s a bit silly to include commute time; if one partner has a crappy job, then the other is obligated to do all the house work just to make sure that their “leisure time” is exactly equal? I would simply sit down with your partner and say you’re feeling overwhelmed and need some help. No doubt both of you are doing work that is invisible to the other (and slightly resenting it). You should hash it out because I bet both of you feel like you’re doing 60% of the child care. ---
**Author:** ![llcoolbj77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/eb9ed0/32.png) [@llcoolbj77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/llcoolbj77)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2014, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/referee-dividing-chores/686916/45 "2014-04-28T17:15:04Z")
I will only add an echo to what other’s have stated about the changing needs of a newborn. Their routines and needs change every few months, and each new phase brings new chores. It gets worse when the babe gets older and only wants “mommy do it.” Then you get to deal with the fun-ness of adding hurt feelings into the division of labor drama. Try not to keep score. Don’t hold on to resentment. Don’t laugh openly in your husband’s face when he tells you he needs 30 minutes to unwind everyday after work, and if only he had than, he would gladly step up to the plate more with child care… (This entire paragraph is a reminder to me, btw, not advice for you). ---
**Author:** ![KarlGrenze](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/dbc845/32.png) [@KarlGrenze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KarlGrenze)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2014, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/referee-dividing-chores/686916/46 "2014-04-28T18:03:42Z")
I’m still confused as to why does it have to be the same person the one that feeds, cleans, plays, puts to sleep the baby, _and_ washes and prepare the bottles. Can’t the other parent do it while the other one fed baby and is cleaning/playing/putting baby to sleep? Doesn’t matter whom, can be alternated. Dad used to say “whoever is not the cook, washes the dishes”. So split some chores in a similar way. Also, since Taylor has coursework twice a week, that should count as part of the work, so it is possible Parker would have to do more work and end up with less leisure time those two days. Take one for the sake of the family and for the family’s future. And like everyone said. The baby’s needs and the coursework will not be forever and will change in a few weeks/months. So keeping score on who did what and trying to be 50-50 _every single time_ is not good. ---
**Author:** ![Boogly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Boogly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boogly)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2014, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/referee-dividing-chores/686916/47 "2014-04-28T20:02:24Z")
Echoing the don’t keep score and hopefully one will ask for help when needed. Hopefully communication is open an a solution can be found by working together. ---
**Author:** ![perfectparanoia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a5b964/32.png) [@perfectparanoia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/perfectparanoia)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2014, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/referee-dividing-chores/686916/48 "2014-04-28T20:54:04Z")
The best way to know if it’s been divided well is that each of you feels equally screwed by the division. Talk to your partner about it. ---
**Author:** ![Sam\_I\_Am](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e495f1/32.png) [@Sam\_I\_Am](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sam_I_Am)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2014, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/referee-dividing-chores/686916/49 "2014-04-28T21:09:40Z")
I tell my kids that “fair” is a bad word. We never try to do what is “fair”. We try to do what is in the best interests of our family as a whole. Do Parker and Taylor have an equal need for downtime? I don’t know how it is for other couples, but I need a lot more downtime to be happy and productive than my husband does. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2014, 1:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/referee-dividing-chores/686916/50 "2014-04-29T01:15:32Z")
> [@KarlGrenze](#): > > I’m still confused as to why does it have to be the same person the one that feeds, cleans, plays, puts to sleep the baby, _and_ washes and prepare the bottles. I’m not getting this either. Some of this stuff can be handled concurrently, right? Once dinner is eaten, then why wouldn’t P&T split up the chores that need to be done to maximize both partner’s evening leisure time? Because that is time they could spend bonding with each other. Individual leisure time is important, no doubt. But it’s not more important than efficiency. To me, it’s not even about keeping score. It’s about making sure you put the needs of the household before the desires of the individual. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2014, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/referee-dividing-chores/686916/51 "2014-04-30T17:48:01Z")
I would hire someone to do all those chores to free up Parker and Taylor for nightly bouts of wild sex ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2014, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/referee-dividing-chores/686916/52 "2014-04-30T18:02:47Z")
We hired help. For those years where the kids were young we had someone come in and clean once a week and then do a tidy once a week. Its affordable if Parker stops picking up dinner and instead you invest in a repertoire of 14 easy to cook easy to clean up meals that can either come out of the crockpot or be thrown together in fifteen minutes with stuff out of the fridge. Our rule was whoever cooks plays with the kids while the other cleans up after dinner. But whoever is cleaning up has baby duty during cooking time. The other thing that helped was daycare day off. We’d drop our kids off at daycare and take a vacation day - independently - to get some “me” time. Someone said fewer baths - our kids got washed a week or if they were actually DIRTY - which little babies don’t get. Part of this was the raging case of eczema my son had which had us on weekly cool baths for one - and it became so much easier. My sister had a bath every night routine - and her kids are now in elementary school and its still adding an hour to the time it takes to get them to bed. ---
**Author:** ![raspberry\_hunter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b19c9b/32.png) [@raspberry\_hunter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raspberry_hunter)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2014, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/referee-dividing-chores/686916/53 "2014-04-30T20:31:39Z")
Oh, thank goodness I’m not the only one who doesn’t bathe my child every night. I mean, yeah, I plop her in the tub if she’s been playing outside a lot that day, but many days she doesn’t actually get that dirty. I’ve always felt like people would super judge me if they found out, though. ---
**Author:** ![eclectic\_wench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ac91a4/32.png) [@eclectic\_wench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eclectic_wench)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2014, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/referee-dividing-chores/686916/54 "2014-04-30T21:21:42Z")
\< raising hand \> Hi, my name’s eclectic wench and I don’t bathe my kids every night! They both come out in eczema if I wash them more often than every two or three days, so I don’t. I’m not sure I would anyway, though, specially with a small baby. What’s it been doing, digging in the garden? The only bit that gets really dirty is its arse, and you’re cleaning that a dozen times a day anyway. Wash the crease under its chin where milk can get dribbled, and you’re good to go. Basically, I second (third? fourth?) the vote to take down the pressure on the evening a notch by only bathing the baby every few days. One of the midwives in the hospital actually told me that babies should only be washed once a week for the first few months because it’s better for their skin. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/referee-dividing-chores/686916.md?page=2)