Keep connected with the BF. He’ll need you as much or more than you need him. His woman isn’t a lost cause to you yet. She’s riding more of an emotional bucking bronco than anyone else in this mess. She may settle back down and want your company again.
Just do what you can. Including staying as sober as you can muster; that’s big for your future too.
Sobriety, not a skill. Depending on him, he’s a jarhead. I know I can depend.
Friends, when it comes down to cases, trust Marines. They can be amazing.
Well, shit. What happened?
I happened. I do that. It took generally takes decades, but in this case I left a trail of “that.”
See everything above where I demonstrated I was the worst friend ever.
And that I had to admit it and say that our paths, unprofessionally, shan’t cross again. After a couple weeks, today I ventured, despite my promise, an accidental, “Hey,” as she passed by. She responded, “Hey,” but I almost prostrated myself for breaking my promise.
Yeah, I’ve fucked up relationships, but it’s usually me providing the cold shoulder. Er, TBH, I usually don’t call.
I don’t think you fucked it up. You told her what you thought was right. If she didn’t tell you to bugger off and never darken her door again, perhaps you could continue to allow yourself to say “hey” and work up to other words. I’m willing to bet that she would like a friend around right now.
(Also, go check near wild heaven’s thread for her update. I think I saw you on that thread.)
ETA: NM. Saw you already did.
So, basically, your own precious feelings are so much more important than her own, that you’ve chosen to sever all contact with her, right at a time when she most needs help and support from her loved ones. Jeez, what an utterly self-absorbed narcissist you are.
Thank goodness you’re not my friend.
My brother in law did the opposite - fought with his last breath. And it wouldn’t have been the death I would have chosen for myself, nor was it the death I wanted to watch. But it was his death.
My take on this, having watched a few times now, is that if you have a battle with cancer, you can also decide instead for a negotiated peace. And once you know your survival chances are slim - a negotiated peace is honorable. You can decide that you will spend what time and energy you have not fighting cancer, but living the life left and learning to come to terms with your death. That’s a gift, and it takes a lot of work and energy to do the second - energy you probably don’t have if you are in the middle of an all out war.
I’ll accept whatever decision a friend makes, but I’ve had more admiration for the second when I’ve been privileged to share. They and their loved ones seem to have a much easier time.
If you don’t mind my asking, what are the diagnoses for which you would refuse treatment?
You are not my doctor, statistics apply to groups not individuals, etc.
Regards,
Shodan
Any advanced cancer with minimal to poor responses to curative or palliative therapy, really. For some it would depend on staging and organ involvement, For some others, the diagnosis itself is pretty much a death sentence, like in the common forms of pancreatic cancer and different brain cancers.
I’m not prepared to just pop out a list of those cancers and stages that would fall automatically into that category, but you can bet I’d figure it out within a day or three of successful staging of the disease.
Thanks for your response.
Regards,
Shodan
I know I am late to this party, and any of my anecdotes don’t make a bit of difference, but this is what happened in my life last year.
Mother in Law (well ex MIL, we’re friends) diagnosed with cancer in both breasts in April. My mother was diagnosed with cancer in one breast in July.
Mom in law did (and still is doing ) a “protocol” that consists of cottage cheese and flax oil and a whole bunch of expensive nutritional suppliments. Eventually I convinced her to get a mastectomy and a lumpectomy to at least remove the tumours, even if she opted to do nothing else. (surgery in September). Eventually she opted not to have radiation, and continues to be healthy and eats all kind of strange foods she reads about in expensive books she cannot afford from the internet.
My mother had surgery scheduled right away, (within 2 weeks) then did a round of chemo. She was fairly well through the chemo, never vomited, but did have an episode of leukoplasia. She opted not to have radiation treatment, but she too is doing well.
I intervened with MIL and said “At least get the main cancers out of your body. You can do whatever else but help your body by letting the surgeons cut it out.” I had tried to be open minded, I actually researched the stupid “protocol” she was on, and I had no problem with her doing that as long as she got the cancer out. Her diet thing… plus eating bitter apricot kernels and ridiculously expensive supplements annoys me, but it makes her feel she is doing something. She had a stroke two years before her cancer, and had just buried her long time “boyfriend” the same week as her cancer diagnosis. She is trying to live in some healthy way, I just wish so much of it wasn’t woo.
I would say MIL and my mother are both doing equally well. My mother sees herself living to 100, she has a lot of long lived family members, her own mother is almost 98 and doesn’t qualify for long term care, even though she is almost blind and deaf. My MIL thinks if she hits 80- thats a good life and her 5 year life expectancy isn’t much different if she did radiation or not.
She’s the one who started the cold shoulder. I saw the writing on the shoulder as a fait accompli, and tried to make my exit slightly dignified, as she had apparently decided. She was mad because I used my friendship with her boyfriend to use him to encourage him to intervene. Y’all taught me that this was her choice, and hers alone, but I got my head bit off before I could explain how wrong I was. I haven’t abandoned her; I’m just giving her some space until the Mad has worn off. Maybe next week I’ll try to approach her.
I was going to try mending fences, but she was out today.
FTR, I’m poorly socialized. I depend on y’all for guidance, at least in telling me I’m wrong. Telling me I’m right? Duh! that’s obvious. 
The other day we spoke for a couple seconds. She said, “We’re okay, and we’ll talk.”
I said, “Based on your body language we’re anything but okay.” She walked away.
At work we have a bookshelf, and it was recently restocked, mostly with more copies of Seven Habits, a book I’ve dismissed as a Parade article stretched to book length. But I saw a copy of How to Stop Worrying and Start Living by Dale Carnegie. My Carnegie training was invaluable, but I had given my copy away to someone who needed it more, at the time. This time I needed it again, so I grabbed it. Dale and his pals grabbed me by the lapels of my circa 1948 suit and told me I should approach this more positively before I cast her on the dustheap of history, so I said, “I want to thank your for something.”
“What?” she asked, barely looking at me.
“I should never have asked you out, but when you said yes I was the happiest I’ve been in years. Thank you.”
She was looking at her monitor, but she made a slight smile, showing her dimples that can cut friggin’ ice."
We’re on our way back to friendship, one day at a time.
I’m glad you’re making progress and that you’re willing to be friends.
How are things going with you? You’ve had to deal with a lot recently.
One day at a time, based on the teachings of another of the Trinity of self-help gurus of the '30s. The third is Napoleon Hill, but I’ve maxxed out on those guys. Think and Grow Rich always sounded like The Secret, heavy on the BS but light on the methodology.
How have you been? I’m sick of wallowing in myself.
ETA: And nearly everyone is more interesting than I.
Well, heck, I spend time here to avoid wallowing myself. Less said the better, I imagine. Still here is what I am and a big raspberry to the world while I’m at it.
(((dropzone))))