# Rejected by eHarmony? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 27, 2012, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rejected-by-eharmony/629621 "2012-07-27T23:21:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![BwanaBob](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bwanabob/32/2985_2.png) [@BwanaBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BwanaBob)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2012, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rejected-by-eharmony/629621/41 "2012-07-31T18:58:45Z")
> [@Iggy](#): > > Yeah, **Covered\_In\_Bees** got it. Just smoking. For me kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray. > > For all I know some of them might be left handed too. Oh! The horror! I would thought that filtering out smoker/non-smoker candidates would have been a basic selection property. Or at least have a choice field that says smoker only/non-smoker only/don’t care. ---
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2012, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rejected-by-eharmony/629621/42 "2012-07-31T20:13:25Z")
> [@Taomist](#): > > I don’t recall the exact phrasing, but every single one of was was rejected and at the time we got a very definite sense it was because we were not religious at all, in any way. Not even atheist. Atheists are by definition not religious at all, in any way. I took e-Harmony’s questionnaire a few years back and was rejected. Then I heard about them rejecting atheists. Later I heard they rejected depressed people. As a depressed atheist, it could have been either one. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2012, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rejected-by-eharmony/629621/43 "2012-07-31T21:53:41Z")
A few years ago, a site called [Chemistry.com](http://Chemistry.com) was explicitly advertising itself to people who had been rejected by eHarmony. No idea if it’s still around. ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2012, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rejected-by-eharmony/629621/44 "2012-07-31T22:12:33Z")
> [@BwanaBob](#): > > I would thought that filtering out smoker/non-smoker candidates would have been a basic selection property. Or at least have a choice field that says smoker only/non-smoker only/don’t care. They do. You say if you smoke not at all/a few times a month/a few times a week/every day, or something like that, and then you check which boxes you would accept in a match. They also do that for drinking and religion and self-assessed level of physical attractiveness, etc. > [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > I took e-Harmony’s questionnaire a few years back and was rejected. Then I heard about them rejecting atheists. Later I heard they rejected depressed people. As a depressed atheist, it could have been either one. I’m a depressed agnostic and I was accepted. So who knows. eHarmony works in mysterious ways. ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2012, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rejected-by-eharmony/629621/45 "2012-08-01T15:54:42Z")
I was accepted, I suppose and I kept getting all these emails about “Come back and check out all your magnificent MATCHES!” And there was never a single match. Probably because I answered the questions as such to indicate that any mainstream Judeo-Christian religious beliefs whatsoever are an instant dealbreaker. I didn’t actually expect to be matched up on a Christian singles site, in the deep South Bible Belt, but I just wanted to see if there were any other atheists using eH in my area. And, apparently not. 😃 So I went to OKCupid and have had much better luck. Haven’t met the love of my life, but at least I’ve made some friends and am dating around a bit. ---
**Author:** ![SenorBeef](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/senorbeef/32/2220_2.png) [@SenorBeef](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SenorBeef)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2012, 1:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rejected-by-eharmony/629621/46 "2012-08-02T01:03:07Z")
> [@John\_DiFool](#): > > Confused. 😕 Are you (A) saying eHarmony is a hive for dominatrixes and guys in gimp masks, that (B) they assume, in a more typical relationship, that one of the two parties will be the one making all the decisions in said relationship, or that (C) you yourself subscribe to the worldview in (B). (A) would be ridiculous for a company with such a high profile; we’ve moved sufficiently out of the Dark Ages in this the year 2012 AD that many couples practice egalitarianism in relationships (eliminating (B)); which leaves (C), but I know you are more progressive than that. I’m saying fundamentally the way most human relationships tend to work is that one person is dominant. This varies in degree - obviously not every relationship has someone wearing burqas and someone else getting beaten. But if you had to identify who was the one who was ultimately in charge in the relationship, you could do so in the vast majority of relationships. It’s relatively uncommon as far as I can see for relationships to be truly equal. Which isn’t to say that anyone is necesarily oppressing anyone else - as I said, some people want to be the boss and some don’t. And e-harmony is trying to figure out where you stand. ---
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2012, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rejected-by-eharmony/629621/47 "2012-08-02T03:32:39Z")
> [@SenorBeef](#): > > I’m saying fundamentally the way most human relationships tend to work is that one person is dominant. This varies in degree - obviously not every relationship has someone wearing burqas and someone else getting beaten. But if you had to identify who was the one who was ultimately in charge in the relationship, you could do so in the vast majority of relationships. It’s relatively uncommon as far as I can see for relationships to be truly equal. > > Which isn’t to say that anyone is necesarily oppressing anyone else - as I said, some people want to be the boss and some don’t. And e-harmony is trying to figure out where you stand. That sounds like a whole other thread in itself: “Who’s the Boss \?” ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2012, 6:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rejected-by-eharmony/629621/48 "2012-08-02T06:05:37Z")
> [@SenorBeef](#): > > I’m saying fundamentally the way most human relationships tend to work is that one person is dominant. This varies in degree - obviously not every relationship has someone wearing burqas and someone else getting beaten. But if you had to identify who was the one who was ultimately in charge in the relationship, you could do so in the vast majority of relationships. It’s relatively uncommon as far as I can see for relationships to be truly equal. > > Which isn’t to say that anyone is necesarily oppressing anyone else - as I said, some people want to be the boss and some don’t. And e-harmony is trying to figure out where you stand. If that is true, I would really like to know which one of us was which with the guy I met on there. We seemed to be very similar about that kind of thing. ---
**Author:** ![Locrian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/locrian/32/14146_2.png) [@Locrian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Locrian)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2012, 8:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rejected-by-eharmony/629621/49 "2012-08-02T08:05:43Z")
The rejection email I received stated that “no religious beliefs” goes against their requirement, or something along those lines. Whattya expect from a southern baptist sponsor who isn’t even a real therapist? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![John\_DiFool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_difool/32/19543_2.png) [@John\_DiFool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_DiFool)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2012, 12:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rejected-by-eharmony/629621/50 "2012-08-02T12:41:20Z")
> [@Taomist](#): > > That sounds like a whole other thread in itself: > > “Who’s the Boss \?” Me too-I honestly thought that egalitarian relationships were the norm nowadays. ---
**Author:** ![thelurkinghorror](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7c8e57/32.png) [@thelurkinghorror](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thelurkinghorror)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2012, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rejected-by-eharmony/629621/51 "2012-08-02T15:53:33Z")
Or, both partners have aspects in which they’re “dominant.” I mean, the one that takes the riding crop to bed is not necessarily the breadwinner. ---
**Author:** ![Wheelz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wheelz/32/5718_2.png) [@Wheelz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wheelz)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2012, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rejected-by-eharmony/629621/52 "2012-08-02T16:46:17Z")
> [@alice\_in\_wonderland](#): > > My brother’s best friend was rejected because they said that they didn’t feel there were enough women members that had similar interests to make it worth his while - basically he was too eccentric for e-harmony. This actually makes some sense from a business point of view. By narrowing the spectrum of applicants they accept, they can achieve – and advertise – a higher percentage of successful matches. Sure, they can take your money now, but their reputation may be harmed in the long term if there are large numbers of users not getting dates. So look at it this way, **Mdcastleman** : You’re not bland enough for eHarmony! Hooray! ---
**Author:** ![llcoolbj77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/eb9ed0/32.png) [@llcoolbj77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/llcoolbj77)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2012, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rejected-by-eharmony/629621/53 "2012-08-02T17:05:32Z")
My roommate was rejected after I recommended it to her. I felt really bad about it. But I assumed it was because she had literally eliminated every elligible match because her standards were ridiculous. “must be over 6’3”, must be WASP, must be catholic, must be steelers fan, must be fit, must have advanced degree, etc, etc…" And she was no Georgia peach to boot. ---
**Author:** ![Wheelz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wheelz/32/5718_2.png) [@Wheelz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wheelz)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2012, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rejected-by-eharmony/629621/54 "2012-08-02T17:21:23Z")
> [@llcoolbj77](#): > > … must be WASP, must be catholic, … Doesn’t the P in WASP stand for Protestant? No wonder they couldn’t find any matches! ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2012, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rejected-by-eharmony/629621/55 "2012-08-02T17:49:26Z")
> [@Locrian](#): > > The rejection email I received stated that “no religious beliefs” goes against their requirement, or something along those lines. I and many of my matches said no religious beliefs. They don’t have that requirement. ---
**Author:** ![missouri65](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/74df32/32.png) [@missouri65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/missouri65)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2012, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rejected-by-eharmony/629621/56 "2012-08-03T03:35:29Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > Why wouldn’t you trust the accuracy? I think the idea behind changing the phrasing is to make sure you’re not just flying through the questions to get to your matches without actually reading them. > > For example (and I’m just making this up without putting a lot of thought into it) > If one question asked if you like camping and hiking and later on there was a question that asked if you liked the outdoors or would rather stay inside and you answered yes to one and no to the other, it might raise a red flag. As I recall, there were several times when I thought to myself “huh, I swear I already answered this” and it seemed pretty clear that it was just to make sure that you were still paying attention as the survey was getting pretty long and some people, no doubt, just start clicking random answers at some point. I question the accuracy because I think the way they changed the phrasing actually changed the meaning of the questions. I’m not questioning the validity of the technique, but the accuracy of this specific test. I noticed it, knew what they were trying to do and knew that I was answering “inconsistently,” but I was answering honestly. The meaning of the questions changed enough to change my answer more than once. To use your example, maybe I enjoy sunbathing and fishing. I’d say yes to the outdoors question, but no to hiking and maybe no to any question about being active or athletic. This isn’t quite what I’m talking about, but it works as an example. I wish I could give you an actual example, but it’s been years. Most people’s answers probably are consistent, and they likely wouldn’t notice or care, but if the questions aren’t carefully worded, you’re going to end up with some false positives for deception. I suspect I was one of them. That’s pretty annoying when you’ve spent that much time answering questions honestly. I agree that at some point many people are going to just start clicking. That’s a result of the length of the test. If you’re giving a two hour test to weed out inconsistent responders, you’re actually _creating_ inconsistent responders by wearing down people who would otherwise be honest. I don’t see the value in that. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rejected-by-eharmony/629621.md?page=2)