# Rejected Children's Books
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rejected-childrens-books/16348
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [April 13, 2000, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rejected-childrens-books/16348 "2000-04-13T16:16:00Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@Axel\_Wheeler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Axel_Wheeler)
#### Post date: [April 13, 2000, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rejected-childrens-books/16348/1 "2000-04-13T16:16:00Z")
We’ve all seen the email list of Rejected Children’s Books. It alleges to be from a contest, but doesn’t state when or where the contest was done. Further, over the years there hasn’t been much updating of them.
So, since Straight-Dopers are both smarter and sicker than the average shlump, I suggest using this thread to come up with some of your own twisted ideas. To get the ball rolling, here are some of the originals, followed by some of my own. (And if anyone knows where the contest originated, please post that too.)
> [@](#):
>
> # Rejected Children’s Books These were from a contest for “A Children’s Book You Will Never See.”
>
> · “You Were an Accident”
> · “Strangers Have the Best Candy”
> · “The Little Sissy Who Snitched”
> · “Some Kittens Can Fly!”
> · “The Protocols of the Grandpas of Zion”
> · “How to Dress Sexy for Grownups”
> · “Getting More Chocolate on Your Face”
> · “Where Would You Like to Be Buried?”
> · “Where’s Godot?”
> · “Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her”
> · “The Attention Deficit Disorder Association’s Book of Wild Animals of North Amer–Hey! Let’s Go Ride Our Bikes!”
> · “All Dogs Go to Hell”
> · “The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking”
> · “When Mommy and Daddy Don’t Know the Answer They Say God Did It”
> · “Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia”
> · “What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?”
> · “You Are Different and That’s Bad”
> · “Horton Hires a Ho”
> · “Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?”
> · “Bi-Curious George”
> · “Daddy Drinks Because You Cry”
And some of my own:
· “The Cat in the Vat”
· “Wally Witnesses a Mob Hit”
· “Andy Takes a Different Trip. Bye Bye, Andy!”
· “In Our House Daddy Packs Lunch, and Mommy Packs Heat”
· “What the Big Girls Do”
· “Gangs: Not Just for Bad Kids Anymore”
· “Johnny Visits the Gelatin Factory”
· “Kimberly Takes a Walk Through the Valley (of the Shadow of Death)”
· “The Robin That Lived in the Fan Belt”
· “Faster, Billy!”
· "Let’s Play Lawnmower Tag!
---
### Author:  [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)
#### Post date: [April 13, 2000, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rejected-childrens-books/16348/2 "2000-04-13T16:44:00Z")
Well, those may be funny, but they aren’t half as funny as some of the actual title of rejected children’s books.
There used to be slushpile panels at a lot of SF conventions, where people read from slush submissions. These have ended, since it’s now considered a breach of faith to read from a rejected submission. However, one title that stuck in my mind was:
“The Potato Chip that Found Jesus.”
And evidently, there is an entire genre of this sort of story – the little crippled [cute creature or object] that becomes a hero – that shows up in slushpile submissions. They are nearly always rejected, though they probably can be found on the Internet at the various vanity press (aka Print on Demand) sites.
* * *
“What we have here is failure to communicate.” – Strother Martin, anticipating the Internet.
[www.sff.net/people/rothman](http://www.sff.net/people/rothman)
---
### Author:  [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)
#### Post date: [April 13, 2000, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rejected-childrens-books/16348/3 "2000-04-13T16:53:00Z")
OK, so where’s the list of Dr. Seuss rejected titles that also went around the 'net? I remember “Horton Hears a 'Ho,” “The Cat Shat in the Hat,” “The Lemon Fresh Lorax,” “How The Grinch Stole Columbus Day,” and a few others. That amused me as well.
Esprix
* * *
[Ask the Gay Guy!](http://boards.straightdope.com/ubb/Forum7/HTML/001376.html) (or, if you prefer the Jesusfied version, [Asketh the damn Priest Guy!](http://www.askjesus.org/ask.cgi?http://boards.straightdope.com/ubb/Forum7/HTML/001376.html))
---
### Author:  [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)
#### Post date: [April 14, 2000, 5:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rejected-childrens-books/16348/4 "2000-04-14T05:04:00Z")
_It’s an Alternate Lifestyle, Charlie Brown_
_Kitten Sandwiches_
_Daddy’s Pet Snake_
* * *
“I must leave this planet, if only for an hour.” – Antoine de St. Exupéry
Are you a turtle?
---
### Author:  [@SqrlCub](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SqrlCub)
#### Post date: [April 14, 2000, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rejected-childrens-books/16348/5 "2000-04-14T05:06:00Z")
You can actually find some interesting reading at [Kevin Kelm’s website.](http://www.xvt.com/users/kevink/) Which has links to my favourite part of his [site](http://www.xvt.com/users/kevink/storytime/). My favourite story there is[Henry and the Red Balloon.](http://www.xvt.com/users/kevink/storytime/henry/)🙂
HUGS!
Sqrl
* * *
[SqrlCub’s Arizona Adventure](http://boards.straightdope.com/ubb/Forum4/HTML/005351.html)
---
### Author:  [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)
#### Post date: [April 14, 2000, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rejected-childrens-books/16348/6 "2000-04-14T05:07:00Z")
Bobby’s Big Book of Blasphemy
The E.R. Coloring Book
Nana’s Trip to the Cardiologist
Xavier Hollander’s Things To Do When No Ones Watching
The Colorful World of Open Sores
This is fun, but I think I’ll stop now.
---
### Author:  [@SqrlCub](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SqrlCub)
#### Post date: [April 14, 2000, 5:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rejected-childrens-books/16348/7 "2000-04-14T05:11:00Z")
Actually come to think about it SqrlCub’s Arizona Adventure would pretty much fail as a children’s book too.
HUGS!
Sqrl
* * *
[SqrlCub’s Arizona Adventure](http://boards.straightdope.com/ubb/Forum4/HTML/005351.html)
---
### Author:  [@Axel\_Wheeler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Axel_Wheeler)
#### Post date: [April 14, 2000, 5:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rejected-childrens-books/16348/8 "2000-04-14T05:31:00Z")
These are wonderful! Keep 'em coming!
---
### Author:  [@Axel\_Wheeler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Axel_Wheeler)
#### Post date: [April 14, 2000, 5:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rejected-childrens-books/16348/9 "2000-04-14T05:53:00Z")
“The Seven Funnest Words”
“30 Second Adventure Series #5: ValuJet”
“Race to the Top of the Tree!”
“Fun with Brake Fluid”
---
### Author:  [@voguevixen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/voguevixen)
#### Post date: [April 13, 2000, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rejected-childrens-books/16348/10 "2000-04-13T18:15:00Z")
I seem to recall these originated as a Letterman top 10 list. I have three of the books and I’ll flip through them tonight and see what I come up with.
* * *
“Satan – I’ve had enough of your two cents!” – The hilarious Federalist
---
### Author:  [@divemaster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/divemaster)
#### Post date: [April 13, 2000, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rejected-childrens-books/16348/11 "2000-04-13T18:16:00Z")
“Puppy _Likes_ Anti-freeze!”
“Smell My Finger”
“Fun with Microwaving”
---
### Author:  [@Diletante](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diletante)
#### Post date: [April 13, 2000, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rejected-childrens-books/16348/12 "2000-04-13T20:19:00Z")
The list from the OP is from the Washington Post Style Invitational. It’s a weekly contest, that has been going on for maybe five years now. IIRC, the idea of the contest is a rip-off of a very similar weekly contest run in the NY Times.
I don’t know that the Post’s contest is the originator of the “Rejected Children’s Book” idea, but I do know that the list from the OP was taken directly from that contest. I remember reading it in the Sunday paper several years ago, back when people still read the paper. Unfortunately, I checked the Post’s website and they charge money to find an archived article, so I can’t provide a reference. Sorry, either I’m telling the truth, or deliberately spreading disinformation…and I can’t really provide good evidence against for or against either of those.
* * *
One became great by expecting the possible, another by expecting the eternal, but he who expected the impossible became greater than all. -Kierkegaard
---
### Author:  [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)
#### Post date: [April 13, 2000, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rejected-childrens-books/16348/13 "2000-04-13T20:28:00Z")
After-School Snacks, by George Donner
* * *
Sala, can’t you count?!? I said NO camels! That’s FIVE camels!
---
### Author:  [@inertia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/inertia)
#### Post date: [April 13, 2000, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rejected-childrens-books/16348/14 "2000-04-13T20:35:00Z")
There really is a “The Book of Farts” written in a children’s book format. I just did search at Amazon and you’d be amazed the amount of literature(?) dedicated to the humble fart.
---
### Author:  [@SoMoMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SoMoMom)
#### Post date: [April 13, 2000, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rejected-childrens-books/16348/15 "2000-04-13T20:48:00Z")
Inertia, you just reminded me of one of my kids’ favorite books. _Everyone Poops_ It’s actually a pretty good book for the potty training age. The title disgusted my father when he was alive. My mom bought the book for my kids. I can still recall the look on his face when he said, “Look what your mother bought.”
---
### Author:  [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)
#### Post date: [April 13, 2000, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rejected-childrens-books/16348/16 "2000-04-13T21:04:00Z")
A few weeks ago, on Fox’s _Family Guy_, Peter went to pick up a potty-training book. He told the bookseller, “We’re Catholic.”
“Oh, well, then, you’ll want this one: _You’re A Very Naughty Child And That’s Concentrated Evil Coming Out The Back Of You_.”
Or something like that.
---
### Author:  [@wevets](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wevets)
#### Post date: [April 13, 2000, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rejected-childrens-books/16348/17 "2000-04-13T21:34:00Z")
LOL… those are great!
_Secret Places Mom and Dad Will Never Find_
_Gordon Grumley and the Gargantuan Gimp_
_Amy’s Adventures in Alcoholism_
---
### Author:  [@Gilligan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gilligan)
#### Post date: [April 13, 2000, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rejected-childrens-books/16348/18 "2000-04-13T21:46:00Z")
“How to Find Funny Pictures on the Internet”
“What Shall We Taste Today?”
“Our Skin is White, That Means We’re Right”
“Science Fair Projects with Gasoline”
“Let’s Make Mommy Jealous (A Guide for Girls)”
“Fun with Rohypnol (A Guide for Boys)”
“How We Murdered the Native Americans and Stole Their Land”
“You Might Be Pretty if You Lost Some Weight”
“Are You a Jew, Too?”
---
### Author:  [@NickyLarson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NickyLarson)
#### Post date: [April 13, 2000, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rejected-childrens-books/16348/19 "2000-04-13T22:13:00Z")
The top five list [www.Top5@topica](http://www.Top5@topica) had a great selection of 'rejected Harry Potter titles, you can probably find them in their archive.
Diletante wrote:
> [@](#):
>
> The list from the OP is from the Washington Post Style Invitational. It’s a weekly contest, that has been going on for maybe five years now. IIRC, the idea of the contest is a rip-off of a very similar weekly contest run in the NY Times.
Actually, that’s New York magazine you’re thinking of; every two weeks there is a competition, to date there have been over 600 different contests.
* * *
Cats are like Baptists. They raise hell but you’ll never catch them at it.
---
### Author:  [@NickyLarson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NickyLarson)
#### Post date: [April 13, 2000, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rejected-childrens-books/16348/20 "2000-04-13T22:15:00Z")
Sorry, make that [www.topfive.com](http://www.topfive.com)
My mistake.
* * *
Cats are like Baptists. They raise hell but you’ll never catch them at it.
[Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rejected-childrens-books/16348.md?page=2)