# Relationship advice needed: currently dating a female - she knows nothing about my true self **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 16, 2011, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-advice-needed-currently-dating-a-female-she-knows-nothing-about-my-true-self/585750 "2011-06-16T22:07:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2011, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-advice-needed-currently-dating-a-female-she-knows-nothing-about-my-true-self/585750/41 "2011-06-17T22:46:50Z")
Cynic. Anyway, the obvious course of action for the OP is to continue wooing the lady with romantic poetry, using a subtle twist to indicate his true desires. _Sweetest one with visage so fair I would like to take a dump in your hair_ She’ll get the hint. ---
**Author:** ![Becky2844](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@Becky2844](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Becky2844)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2011, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-advice-needed-currently-dating-a-female-she-knows-nothing-about-my-true-self/585750/42 "2011-06-17T22:49:44Z")
you need to take one for the team & lean into the stike zone ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2011, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-advice-needed-currently-dating-a-female-she-knows-nothing-about-my-true-self/585750/43 "2011-06-18T02:36:03Z")
> [@Becky2844](#): > > you need to take one for the team & lean into the stike zone “Full count. Runners on first & third. Texeira is in the mound tonight & CC Sebathia is warming up in the bullpen. You know its cap-day here in the stadium and its refreshing to see so many youngsters here watching the game…” ---
**Author:** ![pravnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8edcca/32.png) [@pravnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pravnik)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2011, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-advice-needed-currently-dating-a-female-she-knows-nothing-about-my-true-self/585750/44 "2011-06-18T03:07:49Z")
Read the card! Read the card! ---
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2011, 3:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-advice-needed-currently-dating-a-female-she-knows-nothing-about-my-true-self/585750/45 "2011-06-18T03:53:44Z")
> [@ThelastGentlemanOnEarth](#): > > For me, love is having pious, divine thoughts. It’s on an altogether different plane where self-lessness is the main driving force. Whereas lust is something generated to fulfill selfish desires. I’m having difficulty filling both needs with this same person here. Sorry to be a bummer, but you sound 100% normal. Most people DONT get every last need met in a relationship, but…different relationships have different ‘prices of admission’, as the sage Savage says. With this lady, the price of admission is certain to hurt her: either you cheat, and she is hurt, or she isn’t as pious as you think and you may stop feeling what you feel for her. +1 to the folks suggesting that you stop selling both yourself and your partner short, and give yourselves a chance. Give her a chance to say yay or nay, else you’re just in a relationship with yourself and relegating her to, yeah, a fantasy role. Nobody deserves that. And you don’t, either. Break out a bit and accept that you’re not as off as you think you are, and quite likely not nearly as rare 🙂 Keep hunting…use different bait. ETA: Ah frack. Looks like I took the bait myself. /facepalm ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2011, 5:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-advice-needed-currently-dating-a-female-she-knows-nothing-about-my-true-self/585750/46 "2011-06-18T05:05:04Z")
> [@Jackmannii](#): > > Cynic. > > Anyway, the obvious course of action for the OP is to continue wooing the lady with romantic poetry, using a subtle twist to indicate his true desires. > > _Sweetest one > with visage so fair > I would like to take > a dump in your hair_ > > She’ll get the hint. That’s beautiful. {wipes away a tiny tear} ---
**Author:** ![papergirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/aca169/32.png) [@papergirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/papergirl)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2011, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-advice-needed-currently-dating-a-female-she-knows-nothing-about-my-true-self/585750/47 "2011-06-19T23:00:45Z")
I want to take that sex test. ---
**Author:** ![ThelastGentlemanOnEarth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/6bbea6/32.png) [@ThelastGentlemanOnEarth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelastGentlemanOnEarth)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2011, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-advice-needed-currently-dating-a-female-she-knows-nothing-about-my-true-self/585750/48 "2011-06-20T23:19:22Z")
> [@Lasciel](#): > > Ok, I’m going to try to explain where I think you’re getting hung up. > > First off, “love” isn’t pious divine selflessness. What you’re thinking of is “in love” which is that heady romantic time where you think constantly about how perfect the other person is, how you’d do anything for them, how they complete your life, etc… The glimmer of the moon is in her eyes, sunshine sparkles from her divine ass, you get the picture. > > That wears off. It’s a chemical reaction similar to being high on drugs. Sadly, it doesn’t last. Somewhere between a month and a year from now, all those euphoric feelings will have worn off, hopefully to be replaced with something a little more permanent - companionship and friendship. > > “Love” is when you are so comfortable with the other person that you want them to know everything about you, and you’ve mostly already told them everything. “Love” is less “I would die for you today if I had to” and more “I would gladly live with you until I’m 90.” The second one doesn’t sound nearly as romantic or exciting, but there it is. > > So, that’s your first bit. “In Love” is not “Love” and while “in love” is awesome while it lasts, don’t think you’re going to build a lasting connection on ephemeral brain chemistry. > Now on to lust. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but humans are horny buggers. We have sex. We like having sex. We like having sex so much that our brains make up new and interesting ways for us to have sex, and if we don’t get on it fast enough, it replays those ideas over and over and over again to make sure we’ve got the idea. Wanting sex, (even full on pin someone over a countertop banging animalistic sex) isn’t a bad thing. It’s what we do. > > Yes, lust is ‘selfish’ but so is eating dinner. You selfish pig - how dare you eat that food! Don’t you know there are starving people? You put clothes on this morning, didn’t you? Selfish whore - don’t you realize some people would really enjoy seeing your hot naked self? What gives you the right to cover it up like that? I’m being silly on purpose - taking care of personal needs has gotten a bad rap, and it’s stupid. If you have needs, whatever they are, you’re supposed to take care of them. (Insert required note that it can’t be illegal, and preferably not involve hurting other people.) > > Some of your needs are sexual. Let me be blunt: Wanting To Have Sex is Totally OK. > > Go for it! Sex is, after all, the usual reason for people to get together. I think it’s sweet that you want to be the perfect gentleman for your lady, but perfect gentlemen get nookie also! > > What you have to realize is that you can be a romantic gentleman\* who happens to like the bondage scene and some intense fetishes.\* > > You don’t have to pick one or the other. > > What you should do is tell your lady friend some of your kinks. It isn’t fair to represent yourself as only one half of your personality. If she really is as perfect for you as you say, then she’ll work with you on this. If not, you need to have someone who knows you as a whole person - with ALL your likes and dislikes, sexual or not. I wasn’t able to check this thread for sometime but it seems it has sparked quite a lot of curiosity and interest. So, thank you everyone for your constructive advice and suggestions, and especially Lasciel, for being able to come closest to my precise state of mind. You guys have helped me take the best judgement on this situation. I would like to share something I learned in just **last three days** : **the foundation of a solid relationship is never going to be quite easy**. If the challenges disappear, the relationship would become as stale as a 23-year old bag of chips. Indeed, for me challenging times lie ahead as I try to reconcile with my secretive identity all these years, and the newfound hope and love in life represented by this woman. I have decided I want to spend the rest of my life with her because my heart simply desires this straight-laced, prudish woman over the best possible sexual partners available on planet Earth. I know missing out on some potentially great sex is a HUGE PRICE to pay but no price is too great to live without her - I’m too much in love for that. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2011, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-advice-needed-currently-dating-a-female-she-knows-nothing-about-my-true-self/585750/49 "2011-06-20T23:27:06Z")
“…aaaaaaaaand, scene!” ---
**Author:** ![ThelastGentlemanOnEarth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/6bbea6/32.png) [@ThelastGentlemanOnEarth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelastGentlemanOnEarth)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2011, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-advice-needed-currently-dating-a-female-she-knows-nothing-about-my-true-self/585750/50 "2011-06-20T23:32:55Z")
I’m deeply inspired by the story of King Edward VIII of Great Britain who gave up the throne (_now, that’s a huge price to pay indeed) 😉_ for the woman he loved. Coincidentally, as it transpired they had a very kinky D/s relationship. They never even had children together but I can strongly relate with the kind of perfect happiness they found in each other arms that you won’t find in a majority of relationships today. It isn’t easy not to be King and lead an anonymous, commoner’s lifestyle. ---
**Author:** ![I\_Know\_Nothing](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f04885/32.png) [@I\_Know\_Nothing](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/I_Know_Nothing)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2011, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-advice-needed-currently-dating-a-female-she-knows-nothing-about-my-true-self/585750/51 "2011-06-20T23:56:12Z")
> [@John\_DiFool](#): > > The OP didn’t pass the smell test Smell test. Now that’s funny. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2011, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-advice-needed-currently-dating-a-female-she-knows-nothing-about-my-true-self/585750/52 "2011-06-21T15:18:51Z")
> [@ThelastGentlemanOnEarth](#): > > I have decided I want to spend the rest of my life with her because my heart simply desires this straight-laced, prudish woman over the best possible sexual partners available on planet Earth. > > I know missing out on some potentially great sex is a HUGE PRICE to pay but no price is too great to live without her - I’m too much in love for that. Good luck, Valmont, but make sure you keep the Marquise on speed dial just in case… ---
**Author:** ![Gilles\_de\_Rais](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/bb73d2/32.png) [@Gilles\_de\_Rais](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gilles_de_Rais)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2011, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-advice-needed-currently-dating-a-female-she-knows-nothing-about-my-true-self/585750/53 "2011-06-21T16:00:08Z")
> [@ThelastGentlemanOnEarth](#): > > I have decided I want to spend the rest of my life with her because my heart simply desires this straight-laced, prudish woman over the best possible sexual partners available on planet Earth. > > I know missing out on some potentially great sex is a HUGE PRICE to pay but no price is too great to live without her - I’m too much in love for that. I am curious about your age. And would you do me a personal favor? Print this out and re-read it to yourself when – years down the line – you are tempted to cheat. Here is why: I am a 47-year old woman who has been involved in the BDSM scene for years. Just about everything you mentioned, short of the scat which doesn’t interest me. Most of the men who approach me within the community are married, wishing to hide “this dirty secret” from their “perfect, prudish” wives. Personally, I think you are making a mistake and I would put a $1,000 bet on the fact that at some point, you are going to cheat. So print out the statement you wrote above… please… ---
**Author:** ![BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bcef8e/32.png) [@BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2011, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-advice-needed-currently-dating-a-female-she-knows-nothing-about-my-true-self/585750/54 "2011-06-22T00:22:28Z")
If you’re not aware of it, you may want to check through the [Savage Love](http://thestranger.com/savage) archives for advice. He doesn’t condone scat fetishes, but other than that he gives some good advice about when and how to talk to your SO about your fantasies. ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2011, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-advice-needed-currently-dating-a-female-she-knows-nothing-about-my-true-self/585750/55 "2011-06-22T01:04:11Z")
> [@BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](#): > > If you’re not aware of it, you may want to check through the [Savage Love](http://thestranger.com/savage) archives for advice. He doesn’t condone scat fetishes, but other than that he gives some good advice about when and how to talk to your SO about your fantasies. “Condone”? Knowing Savage I find it hard to believe he condemns them, he’s pretty ok with everything as long as everyone’s grown up and willing. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2011, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-advice-needed-currently-dating-a-female-she-knows-nothing-about-my-true-self/585750/56 "2011-06-22T01:40:55Z")
> [@Stoid](#): > > “Condone”? Knowing Savage I find it hard to believe he condemns them, he’s pretty ok with everything as long as everyone’s grown up and willing. Condemn isn’t quite the word, but there are three things Dan is very upfront about NOT recommending anyone ever do because they carry huge physical risk and there’s no real way to safen them up–shit, blood, and choking. He’s not going to tell you not to do it, but he is absolutely not going to give you advice on how to go about doing them. ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2011, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-advice-needed-currently-dating-a-female-she-knows-nothing-about-my-true-self/585750/57 "2011-06-22T02:48:28Z")
Ooh, Ooh, I get to say my line again! I know what you gotta do, buddy? Slip her the sausage! Yeeeah!! On second thought, are you by any chance a werewolf? Does your skin glimmer? ---
**Author:** ![BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bcef8e/32.png) [@BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2011, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-advice-needed-currently-dating-a-female-she-knows-nothing-about-my-true-self/585750/58 "2011-06-22T02:51:07Z")
> [@Stoid](#): > > “Condone”? Knowing Savage I find it hard to believe he condemns them, he’s pretty ok with everything as long as everyone’s grown up and willing. > [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > Condemn isn’t quite the word, but there are three things Dan is very upfront about NOT recommending anyone ever do because they carry huge physical risk and there’s no real way to safen them up–shit, blood, and choking. He’s not going to tell you not to do it, but he is absolutely not going to give you advice on how to go about doing them. Yeah. If you read through the archives, there are several places where shit sex comes up and he makes his views about it pretty clear. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2011, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-advice-needed-currently-dating-a-female-she-knows-nothing-about-my-true-self/585750/59 "2011-06-22T03:54:29Z")
{Sigh} Why does every thread end up in talking about shit sex? ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2011, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-advice-needed-currently-dating-a-female-she-knows-nothing-about-my-true-self/585750/60 "2011-06-22T13:29:40Z")
> [@ThelastGentlemanOnEarth](#): > > I have decided I want to spend the rest of my life with her because my heart simply desires this straight-laced, prudish woman over the best possible sexual partners available on planet Earth. > > I know missing out on some potentially great sex is a HUGE PRICE to pay but no price is too great to live without her - I’m too much in love for that. Such shiny impenetrable armor; so sharp and swift a sword. A maiden so worthy of saving by an arm held righteous and true. A maiden saved by a man in a mask…whose true face she’ll never see. A sword so sharp it can pierce almost anything…perhaps the knight’s own impenetrable armor given time. Measured in years. But it never pierces the truth. In the end, as the knight looks back and knows that he’s cheated the maiden out of her prudish soul-mate, will this love be seen as selfless, or selfish? Who saves the knight from himself? And if there is one woman out there who thinks and feels exactly as the knight does, perhaps his soul-mate which he might have found in steps further on, who is left to save her? Some faerie-tales can be greater tragedies than you can possibly imagine, sir knight. Choose wisely. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-advice-needed-currently-dating-a-female-she-knows-nothing-about-my-true-self/585750.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-advice-needed-currently-dating-a-female-she-knows-nothing-about-my-true-self/585750.md?page=4)