# Relationship stress **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 22, 2011, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-stress/572266 "2011-02-22T19:20:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 11\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![gurujulp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ba9def/32.png) [@gurujulp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gurujulp)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2011, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-stress/572266/61 "2011-02-24T17:48:59Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Ok, she needs to calm down. You didn’t say how old you were both were, but most of the time calm comes with age…took me a while. I come from DRAMA and I got used to it. And my SO comes from a totally calm place so he had to learn how to deal with someone more high-strung - but I felt he was waaaaay too serious and reserved in important things. > > My mom was the overbearing and abusive one. Not that my dad didn’t have his share, and he did some of the shouting too, but my mom ruled the roost. > > How were you pronouncing my name? What ethnicity are you, btw? Your username sounds like it could go either way. Did she tell you how to pronounce it properly? Not that I care. 🙂 She did, but I can’t even remember, it was so far from the Anna-MEE-ka that I was using that it seems like a different language- which it IS! 😃 I am about as white as you can get- midwestern/southern Irish/English/German/Slop-bucket-Dutch been out of Ameerika once in my life at age five, unless you count Puerto Rico. I speak a minor mixed polyglot of romance and slavic languages with no/very little proficency, and she speaks English with a Brit accent and Hindi, Kanneda, Malayalam, and Tamil (I think) with a bit of Punjabi and Urdu thrown in the mix, and reads Sanskrit, but I don’t know how she is pronouncing it… And I am WAAAAY too reserved, normally, and when I am not, I am overbearing and too loud… Oh- both in thirties… her early me late… ---
**Author:** ![pepperlandgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f17d59/32.png) [@pepperlandgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pepperlandgirl)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2011, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-stress/572266/62 "2011-02-24T17:52:01Z")
> [@gurujulp](#): > > And **pepperlandgirl** - she wants to hug you or buy you a drink or something- her exact words were- let me check the text… > > So- after dealing with car problems, the therapy last night, staying up to talk about it after- about four hours of sleep and three cab rides and fixing my car in the freezing rain, I am beat as hell, but we are currently in a good place- and will hopefully stay that way. > > She is toying with the idea of jumping on the board to post here… We shall see. I’m glad that I hit the mark. I was worried that I came across too harsh, but I think this is the first time I’ve ever read a “help my relationship!” thread where the OP actually listens and tries to incorporate the responses rather than either ignoring the advice or rejecting it all out of hand. I think it’s great that you’re willing to make some changes to keep this relationship, and I wish you both the best. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2011, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-stress/572266/63 "2011-02-24T18:11:48Z")
> [@gurujulp](#): > > She did, but I can’t even remember, it was so far from the Anna-MEE-ka that I was using that it seems like a different language- which it IS! 😃 > > I am about as white as you can get- midwestern/southern Irish/English/German/Slop-bucket-Dutch been out of Ameerika once in my life at age five, unless you count Puerto Rico. > > I speak a minor mixed polyglot of romance and slavic languages with no/very little proficency, and she speaks English with a Brit accent and Hindi, Kanneda, Malayalam, and Tamil (I think) with a bit of Punjabi and Urdu thrown in the mix, and reads Sanskrit, but I don’t know how she is pronouncing it… > > And I am WAAAAY too reserved, normally, and when I am not, I am overbearing and too loud… > > Oh- both in thirties… her early me late… Please tell her namaste. I am North Indian, Punjabi to be precise, and have a completely American accent, but I can still speak Hindi with a very good accent. I speak Punjabi and Urdu, too, although I really just mix up Hindi & Urdu. I also read & write Hindi. And it’s an-AA-mika. It means “anonymous”. Thought it was good for a message board. I can piece through Sanskrit, but I certainly don’t understand it. My SO is Chinese by ethnicity, but thoroughly American, and has only ever been out of the country to Canada. Nice to meet you! ---
**Author:** ![gurujulp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ba9def/32.png) [@gurujulp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gurujulp)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2011, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-stress/572266/64 "2011-02-24T18:14:05Z")
> [@pepperlandgirl](#): > > I’m glad that I hit the mark. I was worried that I came across too harsh, but I think this is the first time I’ve ever read a “help my relationship!” thread where the OP actually listens and tries to incorporate the responses rather than either ignoring the advice or rejecting it all out of hand. I think it’s great that you’re willing to make some changes to keep this relationship, and I wish you both the best. Thank YOU! I have seen you come across as harsh to others, sometimes, but again, I need to be hit over the head with a stick, sometimes- so it was perfect here- but **she** couldn’t formulate it that way. I appreciate it, and I am not trying to make her wrong- which most of these thread types are, as I have seen them. I want her to see my side as right _as well_… which is nearly the same, but _not_- I believe that all of her points are valid. It is the expression of them that I find trying, and am working towards accepting… Yes- she told me it was- ‘nameless’ Thanks again! ---
**Author:** ![gurujulp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ba9def/32.png) [@gurujulp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gurujulp)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2011, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-stress/572266/65 "2011-02-24T18:31:14Z")
Darn it, got some in the edit, missed some- Yes- **anaamika** , she told me it was ‘nameless’, which is indeed perfect- but she will be reading this herself today, so no worries on that score. Indeed, a pleasure! ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2011, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-stress/572266/66 "2011-02-24T19:07:29Z")
Oh, I thought of one more thing while I was out to lunch. If her dad was overbearing and rough, was he also short on love and affection? Like it or not, us girls tend to define our relationships through the relationship we had with the very first male in our lives. we absolutely can get past it but it takes time and for some people there’s always a little bit lingering. So she is looking for you to fill the needs in her life - in her case, it is affection and lots and lots of love. You trying to fix it is always hopeful! Good luck to you both. ---
**Author:** ![Markxxx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5daacb/32.png) [@Markxxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Markxxx)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2011, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-stress/572266/67 "2011-02-24T22:14:26Z")
Often you will find bickering is nothing more than a bad habit people get into. Some people show love at the top of their lungs. If you’re in therapy with 60 days you should have marked improvment and lasting improvement. By 90 days if therapy isn’t doing you good, you need to find a new therapist or seriously look into the fact you need to call it quits. No one likes to call it quits, 'cause it feels like you’re a failure. And that’s true but so what? People fail all the time, that’s what they do. But a smart person doesn’t go around hitting themselves against a wall, simply to avoid a label. Depending on the OP age, financial situations and whether there are kids involved you need to realistically sit down and look at your options. You need to make a timeliine and use a “if this, then” plan If you are reaching points where you just aren’t going to be able to learn to live with a situatuion, you’re not doing yourself or anyone else favours by putting off the inevitable. The thing to remember is it takes TWO to make a good relationship. But it only takes ONE to make a bad relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2011, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-stress/572266/68 "2011-02-25T00:35:00Z")
> [@gurujulp](#): > > She is in no way ‘evil’ - and the pattern of communication has been so consistent in my life, and matches the mars/venus shit so closely that I simply have to accept that I have a certain role and deal with my stuff. I mean if you are getting into a string of bad relationships, it’s not because they’re changing, you’re method of picking them is at fault. ---
**Author:** ![gurujulp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ba9def/32.png) [@gurujulp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gurujulp)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2011, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-stress/572266/69 "2011-02-25T00:38:14Z")
Well- that is where my dearest comes in- She is the first sane and functional human I have ever allowed myself to love… ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2011, 4:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-stress/572266/70 "2011-02-25T04:14:10Z")
An introvert and an extrovert? Good luck with that. 🙂 My husband and I are both introverts - our fights are EXTREMELY quiet. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2011, 7:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-stress/572266/71 "2011-02-25T07:59:23Z")
> [@gurujulp](#): > > Body language- I don’t know, actually. That might very well be something I am missing- I am famous for only only only concentrating on the actual verbal stuff, and not paying attention to tone or body language. Bad **gurujulp**! Deserves hitting! > [@gurujulp](#): > > I have seen you come across as harsh to others, sometimes, but again, I need to be hit over the head with a stick, sometimes- so it was perfect here- but **she** couldn’t formulate it that way. No, no, no: you don’t want to use sticks. Sticks hurt. I’ve got something here that lets the offended party let out steam, does not produce bruises and is often known to produce giggles. Well, it doesn’t produce bruises unless the parties involved manage to fall off the sofa, so be careful with that coffee table… _hands **gurujulp** ’s girlfriend a pillow_ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-stress/572266.md?page=3)