# Relationship without sex--yes or no. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 17, 2010, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-without-sex-yes-or-no/539770 "2010-05-17T15:38:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2010, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-without-sex-yes-or-no/539770/81 "2010-05-19T18:16:39Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > This is silly. > > 1.) Why would you have to bring a new person into the household? > 2.) Hired? > 3.) Just to be a fuck doll? You’re assuming that the other person isn’t getting something out of it. You’re a “fuck doll” to them, too. **Panache** said he and his partner would “make it a threesome,” which implies bringing the person into the household to me. It also seems to me that people have been saying that the _only_ thing they’d want their partner to go outside their relationship for is sex, not any of the emotional stuff. If they’re going to allow full bore emotional/sexual relationships outside the marriage, then why bother to stay married at all? I still also think whatever new people were used for sex in these contexts would have to have some pretty low self-esteem, and would basically be accepting a dehumanizing, servant status. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2010, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-without-sex-yes-or-no/539770/82 "2010-05-19T18:20:13Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I still also think whatever new people were used for sex in these contexts would have to have some pretty low self-esteem, and would basically be accepting a dehumanizing, servant status. _What_? So setting aside a relationship, going out for casual sex makes both me and my partner subhuman servants? And the guy who mentioned “making it a threesome” wasn’t also talking about a separation of emotion and sex, so don’t mix different people’s arguments together. No one is saying that they’d bring someone to live in their home and exist purely for sex. You have some people saying that they’d create a three-way relationship and others saying that they can keep sex and emotion separate. Two different arguments and ways to approach the same problem. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2010, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-without-sex-yes-or-no/539770/83 "2010-05-19T18:22:11Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > _What_? So setting aside a relationship, going out for casual sex makes both me and my partner subhuman servants? You don’t understand, noob. **Diogenes** does not find sex to be enjoyable. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2010, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-without-sex-yes-or-no/539770/84 "2010-05-19T18:30:17Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > You don’t understand, noob. **Diogenes** does not find sex to be enjoyable. You can never be sure that the women in your life aren’t eleven year old girls! ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2010, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-without-sex-yes-or-no/539770/85 "2010-05-19T18:39:26Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > _What_? So setting aside a relationship, going out for casual sex makes both me and my partner subhuman servants? No, recruiting a person to be used only for sex with the understanding that all your emotional commitment is to somebody else and that you don’t care about the strange for anything but sex is callous and degrading to the strange. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2010, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-without-sex-yes-or-no/539770/86 "2010-05-19T18:40:56Z")
Not to people who don’t hate sex. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2010, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-without-sex-yes-or-no/539770/87 "2010-05-19T18:41:16Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > You can never be sure that the women in your life aren’t eleven year old girls! I’m not the one of those trying to argue that eleven year olds can be mistake for twenty-one year olds. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2010, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-without-sex-yes-or-no/539770/88 "2010-05-19T18:46:28Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > You don’t understand, noob. **Diogenes** does not find sex to be enjoyable. This is not true. I just don’t have the desire to treat sex partners like tube socks. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2010, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-without-sex-yes-or-no/539770/89 "2010-05-19T18:51:03Z")
Dude, every single thread where pants off magic comes up, you storm in and assert what a horrible, degrading act sex is. You can’t seem to understand that for many of us, it is often a recreational activity. That’s it. No one’s feelings are hurt, nobody feels bad or used; we’re just having sex because we like it. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2010, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-without-sex-yes-or-no/539770/90 "2010-05-19T19:00:00Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I’m not the one of those trying to argue that eleven year olds can be mistake for twenty-one year olds. Neither am I. Nor have I ever. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2010, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-without-sex-yes-or-no/539770/91 "2010-05-19T19:02:53Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > Neither am I. Nor have I ever. I didn’t say you. In that other thread, though, I never said that someone who looks 21 might be 11. Other people said that. I said it was bullshit. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2010, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-without-sex-yes-or-no/539770/92 "2010-05-19T19:06:01Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I didn’t say you. Then it’s irrelevant. Back on topic- kind of- when I go to a bar and hookup with a woman for casual sex, we’re effectively using one another as “tube socks,” as you put it. Do you really think that means we’re degrading one another? ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2010, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-without-sex-yes-or-no/539770/93 "2010-05-19T19:08:43Z")
Sex is horrible unless the two people plan on being in some long-term relationship that involves feelings and holding hands. Anything else is a crude and demeaning act that is meant to serve the other partner, but can in no way be enjoyable to any of the parties involved. Servant to the other partner, even though neither party enjoys any part of it, of course. ---
**Author:** ![pbbth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f9ae1b/32.png) [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2010, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-without-sex-yes-or-no/539770/94 "2010-05-19T19:31:27Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > No, recruiting a person to be used only for sex with the understanding that all your emotional commitment is to somebody else and that you don’t care about the strange for anything but sex is callous and degrading to the strange. What if you find someone in the same situation? You both have spouses who are physically unable to provide you with a fulfilling sexual relationship and you come together knowing that each of you is devoted to your spouse but need the physical release? Personally I would stay if it was a physical problem but I would leave if it was just a lack of desire. If you still want to fuck but you just aren’t interested in me that isn’t fair to either of us to stay together in that situation. I would gladly stay in a relationship where we just weren’t capable of sex and I would have an amaxing collection of sex toys to keep myself busy. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2010, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-without-sex-yes-or-no/539770/95 "2010-05-19T21:18:52Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Another thought – these other proposed sexual relationships are unlikely to be just sex with no emotional entaglements at all. Life just doesn’t work that way. It doesn’t seem to me that looking for other people to use completely callously and unemotionally for physical release would be either an easy or admirable thing to do. > > How do you explain this to the other person? > > "I’m married, and I love my wife, and don’t want to leave her, but she’s paralyzed so I just need something to stick my dick in. This will never go anywhere and I don’t care about you, but if it’s ok with you, I’d like a blowjob every wednesday friday, and maybe a fuck on saturday? Cool? Plainly, what’s needed is a specialized dating service to anonymously hook up partners who are both in this situation in their relationships. “[DeadEndLover.com](http://DeadEndLover.com)” or some such. I guess there’d be a risk of accidentally getting paired up with one’s own spouse, like in the Pina Colada Song. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2010, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-without-sex-yes-or-no/539770/96 "2010-05-19T23:13:09Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > ETA actually (at risk of sounding stereotypical), it’s my understanding that gay male relationships tend to have a much more open dynamic than the hetero ones, so it probably wouldn’t be as destabilizing to bring in another person in those cases as it would be for the trad hetero families. FYI, our relationship has been 100% monogamous for over 22 years, and there’s nothing about it that would be considered an “open dynamic,” whatever the hell you mean by that. And this third person is a dear friend of both of us, whom we’ve known and loved almost as long as we’ve been together. He lost his partner a few years ago, and if the situation arose - and if he were still single - we would welcome him into our family as an equal partner, certainly not just for sex. ---
**Author:** ![rhubarbarin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eb9ed0/32.png) [@rhubarbarin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rhubarbarin)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2010, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-without-sex-yes-or-no/539770/97 "2010-05-19T23:20:17Z")
In my current, very serious and fulfilling relationship - I imagine I’d stick it out for quite a while with no sex. But it would SUCK. Unless the reason we weren’t having it was just because he didn’t like me like that any more- I would just leave if that were the case\*. \*But if we had kids, especially young kids, I might stay. ---
**Author:** ![rhubarbarin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eb9ed0/32.png) [@rhubarbarin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rhubarbarin)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2010, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-without-sex-yes-or-no/539770/98 "2010-05-19T23:21:32Z")
> [@Tom\_Tildrum](#): > > Plainly, what’s needed is a specialized dating service to anonymously hook up partners who are both in this situation in their relationships. “[DeadEndLover.com](http://DeadEndLover.com)” or some such. > > I guess there’d be a risk of accidentally getting paired up with one’s own spouse, like in the Pina Colada Song. Haven’t heard of [AshleyMadison.com](http://AshleyMadison.com) yet? Very popular service for exactly that. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2010, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-without-sex-yes-or-no/539770/99 "2010-05-20T01:56:29Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > It’s easier to say you would accept this than to do it… Yeah, but you are freaking paralyzed or whatever. _Nothing_ about that is going to be easy to accept. When something like that happens, you are sailing some difficult uncharted waters in a variety of ways. > [@](#): > > You also didn’t address my contention that it would be a sleazy and insensitive thing to do to the children Why would the children know or care about this. You tell them “Mom is going off to Bingo night” or whatever and that’s the end of the story. > [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > No, recruiting a person to be used only for sex with the understanding that all your emotional commitment is to somebody else and that you don’t care about the strange for anything but sex is callous and degrading to the strange. I’m single, and haven’t had a lot of action for a while. I invited a nice young man I knew to be healthy and clean from a nearby town to come visit me. We had a good time, and he left in the morning. It was just that- a good time. Sure, we both hope to find great partners to have a committed relationship with. But, until then, what’s wrong with having a little fun? ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2010, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-without-sex-yes-or-no/539770/100 "2010-05-20T02:30:07Z")
Isn’t it interesting how a person can automatically assume that sex with a third party is automatically “callous and degrading” . . . without even knowing the actual circumstances or the people involved. There are plenty of “callous and degrading” relationships between married couples; the existence of a marriage license . . . or the existence of a spouse at home . . . doesn’t necessarily change anything. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-without-sex-yes-or-no/539770.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationship-without-sex-yes-or-no/539770.md?page=6)