# Relationships: Where's the line between trusting and stupid? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 18, 2009, 11:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationships-wheres-the-line-between-trusting-and-stupid/481850 "2009-01-18T11:11:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2009, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationships-wheres-the-line-between-trusting-and-stupid/481850/41 "2009-01-19T17:40:31Z")
> [@clairobscur](#): > > My ex would certainly have cried had she been falsely accused of cheating. Or falsely accused of anything, actually…well even if she had thought someone might be suspecting her or something. > > What I mean, of course, is that you can’t assume the OP’s gf would react the same way you do. Not that I have personally any opinion about her behaviour. IME your ex’s reaction isn’t as common as what I’ve seen which is _usually_ anger (as supported by other posters above) in response to a false accusation. Sometimes anger and frustration take a short-cut to tears, but blanching at the sight of the OP and bursting into tears suggests being caught with your hand in the cookie jar. Panic, upon realizing that a situation is being misinterpreted, will usually sent the accused running after saying: “No wait! It’s not what it looks like!!!” But that’s neither here nor there. Even if it was all innocent, her choices were crap, and displayed a disregard for the OP and his feelings. ---
**Author:** ![dmatsch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3be4f8/32.png) [@dmatsch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dmatsch)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2009, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationships-wheres-the-line-between-trusting-and-stupid/481850/42 "2009-01-19T18:21:52Z")
> [@Vihaga](#): > > I agree with **msmith537**. > I’d have left, too. Life’s too short to bother with that “I got drunk and went to my ex’s place overnight, but it was platonic” drama. Even if nothing happened, do you really want to be with someone who’s so clueless about appropriate social boundaries and fostering trust in your relationship that she’d go home from a bar with her ex at all? Thirding msmith537. Trust is earned and not given. Doubly so when your girl starts seeing her ex again. ---
**Author:** ![PharmBoy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/74df32/32.png) [@PharmBoy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PharmBoy)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2009, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationships-wheres-the-line-between-trusting-and-stupid/481850/43 "2009-01-19T18:32:08Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > This is excelent advice…if the OP wants to go through the rest of his life as a chump. > > I’m not sure why women think they can act any way they please and the guy is just supposed to “trust” that nothing happened. Part of trust is demonstrating that you are trustworthy. > > - She lied to you about never wanting to see her “jackass” boyfriend ever again. > - She spent the night in someone elses house without telling you where she was. > - And what is the deal with hanging out in the bars all weekend? Is she hanging out with friends or just showing up by herself and getting drunk? > > These are not the behaviors of a person trying to earn your trust. > > I mean you can stay with her if you like. I don’t really see the point though. You’ve only been “exclusive” for like a week. Go find someone else for who giving you trust doesn’t require such a suspension of disbelief. Well-said. I agree completely; her behavior is not consistent with someone who is trustworthy. There is no excuse for a person in an exclusive relationship to spend the night in a former boyfriend’s apartment, especially if she knows that you were waiting for her call to bring her home. Her story just does not ring true. Cut your losses and move on. ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2009, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationships-wheres-the-line-between-trusting-and-stupid/481850/44 "2009-01-19T20:23:53Z")
> [@HelloNinja](#): > > It would have been more fun to make her squirm for a bit with some good old-fashioned passive aggressive questioning later “Anybody fun at the bar last night?” “So, where did you go?” “You know, it’s weird… I saw you and your ex at the bar yesterday, how did that happen?” But that’s just the sadist in me. Good job cutting your losses here. Let someone else be her chump. Better: While sitting unseen in the corner, watching the woman and her ex at the bar, call her cell phone. “Hey, it’s me. Yeah, I missed you last night. Are you okay? Uh huh. Where are you now? What are you up to? Having lunch with Elizabeth? Really? Because I CAN SEE YOU, BITCH.” Okay, maybe not better, exactly, but equally appealing to one’s inner sadist. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2009, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationships-wheres-the-line-between-trusting-and-stupid/481850/45 "2009-01-19T20:28:59Z")
Agree with those who said that, even if she is hopelessly naive and 100 percent trustworthy, you’ll always be doubting. That’s not good for wither of you. ---
**Author:** ![DigitalC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ebca7d/32.png) [@DigitalC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DigitalC)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2009, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationships-wheres-the-line-between-trusting-and-stupid/481850/46 "2009-01-19T20:34:45Z")
Another thing i just realized: she didn’t spend the night with her ex, she spent the night AND most of the next day with him if they came in to the bar in the afternoon the next day. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2009, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationships-wheres-the-line-between-trusting-and-stupid/481850/47 "2009-01-19T20:48:09Z")
> [@Cervaise](#): > > Better: While sitting unseen in the corner, watching the woman and her ex at the bar, call her cell phone. “Hey, it’s me. Yeah, I missed you last night. Are you okay? Uh huh. Where are you now? What are you up to? Having lunch with Elizabeth? Really? Because I CAN SEE YOU, BITCH.” > > Okay, maybe not better, exactly, but equally appealing to one’s inner sadist. Heh - that made me laugh out loud. 🙂 The OP’s ex-gf is a silly girl, doing silly things. It sounds like you’re looking for an actual woman,\*\* SHAKES\*\*, who will be a good partner for you, not a silly girl. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2009, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationships-wheres-the-line-between-trusting-and-stupid/481850/48 "2009-01-19T20:50:24Z")
> [@DigitalC](#): > > Another thing i just realized: she didn’t spend the night with her ex, she spent the night AND most of the next day with him if they came in to the bar in the afternoon the next day. And considering that it said in the OP that she normally didn’t work Saturdays but said she did for that day, and assuming that she didn’t actually have to work (since she wandered into the bar in the afternoon, I dunno if that was after her work hours ended or not), I would wager that she **planned** a little weekend getaway with her ex. Who she swore she hated. Only a week after committing to **SHAKES**. **SHAKES** : If she didn’t actually have work, you really really did the right thing. If she did go to work that day and came in afterwards, merely subtract one “really” from the previous statement. ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2009, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationships-wheres-the-line-between-trusting-and-stupid/481850/49 "2009-01-19T21:33:24Z")
Looks very bad, even if she didn’t do anything it really looks bad. I wouldn’t trust her judgement AT ALL. ---
**Author:** ![badbadrubberpiggy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/57b2e6/32.png) [@badbadrubberpiggy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/badbadrubberpiggy)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2009, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationships-wheres-the-line-between-trusting-and-stupid/481850/50 "2009-01-19T21:42:27Z")
> [@control-z](#): > > Looks very bad, even if she didn’t do anything it really looks bad. I wouldn’t trust her judgement AT ALL. And like others have already said, she KNOWS it looks bad. I can’t imagine spending the night at an ex-boyfriend’s house (one I supposedly hated), without my husband being very upset about it. And suspicious, and so on. It’s odd behavior, even if she really did spend the night on the couch, fully clothed. ---
**Author:** ![Contrapuntal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e274bd/32.png) [@Contrapuntal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrapuntal)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2009, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationships-wheres-the-line-between-trusting-and-stupid/481850/51 "2009-01-19T21:54:27Z")
> [@SHAKES](#): > > Her claim is that she got drunk, her ex-bf happened to show up, they got to talking and he took her back to his place but NOTHING HAPPENED. She slept on the couch with her clothes on. Bullshit. What happened to your deal, where you always picked her up, and she always liked it? She was either throwing him a good-bye toss, or she was just trying to make sure she liked your chili better than his. Either way, you’re better off without her. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2009, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationships-wheres-the-line-between-trusting-and-stupid/481850/52 "2009-01-20T02:54:14Z")
Thanks for the input guys. I feel better now. Funny how a group of total strangers can do that for you. In case anybody is intrested; I’ve wrote the girl off and she’s finally stop sending me text, voice and Emails. So it looks like it’s a done deal. Except for those awkward moments when I have to see her when I hit happy hour after work. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2009, 6:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationships-wheres-the-line-between-trusting-and-stupid/481850/53 "2009-01-20T06:08:39Z")
No other bars in the neighbourhood, eh? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2009, 9:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationships-wheres-the-line-between-trusting-and-stupid/481850/54 "2009-01-20T09:00:44Z")
> [@featherlou](#): > > No other bars in the neighbourhood, eh? 🙂 Hey, I’ve been going to this bar for 15 years! Much longer than she has. It’s only fair that I get custody of the bar. It’ll be much happier with me anyway. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2009, 12:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationships-wheres-the-line-between-trusting-and-stupid/481850/55 "2009-01-20T12:43:53Z")
How “ex” is this guy? Is he newly dumped? Maybe she hasn’t had the heart-to-heart break-up talk and they had to talk it all down. Now that doesn’t mean I think she handled it correctly (should have been a sober discussion…not one fueled by booze and emotions), but I can see where she _might_ have been telling the truth regarding any intimacy, but still handled the whole situation incredibly wrong. If you really dig this chick, I think it’s premature to drop her solely on what you’ve told us here. It might actually be the way to go, but I can certainly see this relationship picking up and moving forward, depending on a lot of details we don’t know in this thread. ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2009, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationships-wheres-the-line-between-trusting-and-stupid/481850/56 "2009-01-20T15:14:04Z")
Respectfully disagree. If she’s not fully broken up with her ex, should she be dating other people? ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2009, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationships-wheres-the-line-between-trusting-and-stupid/481850/57 "2009-01-20T15:34:21Z")
Some folks will start another relationship only after they are free and clear of their previous relationship. Some folks will start a relationship after they have broken up with their previous partner, but before they have lost the emotion bonds (e.g. on the rebound). Some folks will terminate a relationship only after they have started a new relationship. Some folks maintain more than one relationship at a time, either surreptitiously or with the consent of their partners. Figure out what type(s) you can accept, and which type she is. ---
**Author:** ![happ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@happ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/happ)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2009, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationships-wheres-the-line-between-trusting-and-stupid/481850/58 "2009-01-20T15:45:55Z")
Shakes, you did the right thing. Through her own actions, she willfully threw away any trust she might have previously earned. You’re better off without the crazy, and she was obviously to immature to be in an exclusive relationship with anybody. ---
**Author:** ![sherrylynn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3be4f8/32.png) [@sherrylynn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sherrylynn)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2009, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationships-wheres-the-line-between-trusting-and-stupid/481850/59 "2009-01-20T23:29:01Z")
Shakes - Trust your gut - An ethical person will aviod the APPEARANCE of misconduct, not just the misconduct. And, as I too have a neighborhood bar of 20 + years, I hope you get custody!!! ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2009, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationships-wheres-the-line-between-trusting-and-stupid/481850/60 "2009-01-21T02:10:30Z")
> [@LouisB](#): > > It really shouldn’t matter all that much; if she is going to cheat, then she is going to cheat and it won’t take long for her to accomplish the feat and return home; you will be no wiser. WhY make yourself ill worrying about something that might not have happened and maybe never will? Suppose you marry her and thirty wonderful years downstream, she confesses she had sex with her ex on that particular night? Would you throw away the thirty years of happiness you’ve shared over something that happened all those years ago? Just remember, there are very few things that really matter and most of them don’t matter very much. Spoken as a completely non-jealous, non-possessive, ex-hippie; YMMV. > > Dern it, agree with her that it isn’t necessary to lie; you might stray yourself someday. Or he may be setting himself up for 30 years of living in a blues song - his woman vanishing many nights. If she does this after one week, what would she do when she gets bored? I’m guessing that lots of people in bad relationships had ample opportunity to see it coming ahead of time, and ignored the signs. Good for **SHAKES** to have done something about it before getting locked in. I’m curious about whether she gets back with the ex or gets left high and dry. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationships-wheres-the-line-between-trusting-and-stupid/481850.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/relationships-wheres-the-line-between-trusting-and-stupid/481850.md?page=4)