# Religion and ... Cows! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 15, 2003, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religion-and-cows/155208 "2003-02-15T03:38:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religion-and-cows/155208/1 "2003-02-15T03:38:54Z")
A riff on an old joke … \*\* Religion and Cows! \*\* Hindu: you worship your cow. Jewish: you worship the one, true invisible cow. Muslim: Same as above, but Mohammad is the last person to milk the cow. You are not allowed to have pictures of this event, or to drink fermented milk. Catholic: The one true cow had a calf. Every sunday, you eat the calf and drink its blood. Protestant: The one true cow had a calf. If you believe this, you will go to heaven; if not, you will go to hell. Buddhism: the cow is just an illusion which will cause you pain. The way to salvation is to stop wanting a cow. Taoism: you, the cow, and the grass it eats are all part of the same thing. If you eat the cow, you eat a part of yourself. New Age: you own an extremely odd-looking cow, which has been created by sewing together cast-off parts of other people’s cows. Disclaimer – I have attempted to insult everyone equally. If through inadvertance some have not been sufficiently insulted, I will try to rectify this error. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Kallessa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7993a0/32.png) [@Kallessa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kallessa)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religion-and-cows/155208/2 "2003-02-15T03:47:41Z")
Dianic Wicca: the femaleness of the cow has been subjugated by the oppressive patriarchy. Only by worshiping the cow without men can womyn regain their power. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religion-and-cows/155208/3 "2003-02-15T03:55:19Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Kallessa \* > \*\*Dianic Wicca: the femaleness of the cow has been subjugated by the oppressive patriarchy. Only by worshiping the cow without men can womyn regain their power. \*\* Jehovah’s Witnesses: you are just sitting down to dinner, when the doorbell rings … and outside is a cow. ---
**Author:** ![Q.E.D](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/51bf81/32.png) [@Q.E.D](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.E.D)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religion-and-cows/155208/4 "2003-02-15T04:05:57Z")
Hari Krishna: cows hanging around airports handing out flowers and literature and wearing funky saffron robes. ---
**Author:** ![LurkMeister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3da27b/32.png) [@LurkMeister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkMeister)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religion-and-cows/155208/5 "2003-02-15T04:08:24Z")
Atheist: You don’t think the cow exists. Agnostic: You’re not sure whether or not the cow exists, but you’re willing to eat beef. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religion-and-cows/155208/6 "2003-02-15T04:26:24Z")
Zen: What is the sound of one cow grazing? ---
**Author:** ![Duke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e8c25b/32.png) [@Duke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 4:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religion-and-cows/155208/7 "2003-02-15T04:56:47Z")
Anglicanism: The Cow is an Englishman. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 5:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religion-and-cows/155208/8 "2003-02-15T05:08:13Z")
Scientologist-you pay the cow a bunch of money to clean the manure off of you. ---
**Author:** ![Shalmanese](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shalmanese](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shalmanese)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 5:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religion-and-cows/155208/9 "2003-02-15T05:24:48Z")
Sceptic: Cows do not exist, milk can be disproven with the simple application of logic. ---
**Author:** ![cadolphin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c37758/32.png) [@cadolphin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cadolphin)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 5:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religion-and-cows/155208/10 "2003-02-15T05:29:42Z")
Mormonism: The only true cow. ---
**Author:** ![Coriolanus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/coriolanus/32/18769_2.png) [@Coriolanus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coriolanus)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 9:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religion-and-cows/155208/11 "2003-02-15T09:01:30Z")
Baseball: > [@](#): > > Ok, here we go, we got a real pressure cooker > going here, two down, nobody on, no score, > bottom of the ninth, there’s the wind-up and > there it is, a line shot up the middle, look > at him go. This boy can really fly! > He’s rounding first and really turning it on > now, he’s not letting up at all, he’s gonna > try for second; the ball is bobbled out in center, > and here comes the throw, and what a throw! > He’s gonna slide in head first, here he comes, he’s out! > No, wait, safe–safe at second base, this kid really > makes things happen out there. > Batter steps up to the plate, here’s the pitch– > he’s going, and what a jump he’s got, he’s trying > for third, here’s the throw, it’s in the dirt– > safe at third! Holy cow, stolen base! > He’s taking a pretty big lead out there, almost > daring him to try and pick him off. The pitcher > glance over, winds up, and it’s bunted, bunted > down the third base line, the suicide squeeze in on! > Here he comes, squeeze play, it’s gonna be close, > here’s the throw, there’s the play at the plate, > holy cow, I think he’s gonna make it! ---
**Author:** ![Kallessa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7993a0/32.png) [@Kallessa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kallessa)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religion-and-cows/155208/12 "2003-02-15T18:39:57Z")
**Corbomite** , I think you should add that worshipping the Holy Cow of baseball will get you to Paradise by the Dashboard Lights if you get lucky. ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religion-and-cows/155208/13 "2003-02-15T18:42:43Z")
Did somebody say _cows?!_ ---
**Author:** ![Slainte](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a698b9/32.png) [@Slainte](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slainte)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2003, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religion-and-cows/155208/14 "2003-02-16T01:28:39Z")
Poor **Eve** , still waiting for those Masai cows… Damn US Government. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2003, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religion-and-cows/155208/15 "2003-02-16T01:33:44Z")
Unitarian-Universalism: It is the responsibility of each UUer to decide for themselves which cow to have, or to not have, or to try to obtain or to avoid. And there might not be any cow anyway. But if there is, it is ok to worship it, or milk it, or eat it. Unless it isn’t ok to do that. But we’re all in this together. ---
**Author:** ![Davebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bcef8e/32.png) [@Davebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Davebear)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2003, 4:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religion-and-cows/155208/16 "2003-02-16T04:37:55Z")
Diabolist: We worship the Anti-Cow Simpsonian Scepticism: You don’t have a Cow, man! Hippie: We’ve all got to love one an’ udder ---
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2003, 8:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religion-and-cows/155208/17 "2003-02-16T08:45:45Z")
Atheist: You’re not sure if a cow exists, because nobody who is sure a cow exists has been able to make a halfway-decent case for it yet. You accept evidence as it comes in, but give no leeway to bullshit. Agnostic: You believe we’ll never know if a cow exists or not. Satanism: The cow everyone else worships is a blind idiot-cow, as the real cow would never dirty its hooves with the physical realm. The blind idiot-cow has been telling stories about the real cow. ---
**Author:** ![sciguy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e68b1a/32.png) [@sciguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sciguy)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2003, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religion-and-cows/155208/18 "2003-02-16T19:16:41Z")
Televangelist: If you send $100 to the address shown, you will ensure that I can keep buying time to tell people about our Cow. Discordian: You try to make the cow laugh so hard milk comes out her nose. Fnord. Church of the Subgenius: Cow is Bob, and it likes grass. Norms get the manure. And aliens, don’t forget the aliens. And Yetis, yeah, those are important too, man. And, um, slack. What was I talking about? Diabolist Orthodox: There is no cow level. No really, we mean it. **Really!** Diabolist Reformed: Ok, fine, there **is** a cow level, but we’re going to make you work for it. And **Corbomite** , did you do that whole quote just for the “holy cow” payoff? If so, Cow bless you 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![TWDuke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e495f1/32.png) [@TWDuke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TWDuke)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2003, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religion-and-cows/155208/19 "2003-02-16T19:44:43Z")
No, no, no. Atheist: There is no cow. Agnostic: We can know nothing of cows. Skeptic: Prove there’s a cow. And how about – Mormon: The cow was once a man, and I will be a cow. ---
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2003, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religion-and-cows/155208/20 "2003-02-16T22:37:51Z")
**Rastafarian–** Hey, mon! Don’t let the Cow eat the Grass!🆒 [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religion-and-cows/155208.md?page=2)