# Religious Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 21, 2007, 11:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-jokes/427305 "2007-11-21T11:18:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![robardin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/43a26b/32.png) [@robardin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robardin)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2007, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-jokes/427305/21 "2007-11-21T15:46:53Z")
[QUOTE=George Kaplin] \ Mmmmm, _sacrilicious_ \ 🙂 [/QUOTE] You know, I caught myself typing that in error. Then I decided it really was a better word for what I meant 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2007, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-jokes/427305/22 "2007-11-21T16:02:46Z")
This is a joke you have to perform. Why did they crucify Jesus instead of stoning him to death? Because Catholics didn’t want to have to go like this [make fists and punch yourself all over]. Daniel ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2007, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-jokes/427305/23 "2007-11-21T16:05:28Z")
And the meanest one I know: The preacher stopped by a house after church, and the little girl came running up and said, “Guess what, preacher? My cat had kittens yesterday!” The preacher went into the kitchen to see them, and there they were, all tiny and mewling. He smiled and said, “What religion are they?” “They’re Christian kittens!” He laughed and patted her on the head and left. A month later, he stopped by the same house. “How are your little Christian kittens?” he asked the girl. “They’re good, but they’re not Christian kittens, they’re atheist kittens.” “What happened?” “Now their eyes are open.” Daniel ---
**Author:** ![ForumBot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ee59a6/32.png) [@ForumBot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ForumBot)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2007, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-jokes/427305/24 "2007-11-21T16:21:11Z")
What’s a shitty way to spend Easter? Like this [spread arms] ---
**Author:** ![cosmosdan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a6a055/32.png) [@cosmosdan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cosmosdan)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2007, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-jokes/427305/25 "2007-11-21T16:51:48Z")
[QUOTE=Left Hand of Dorkness] And the meanest one I know: The preacher stopped by a house after church, and the little girl came running up and said, “Guess what, preacher? My cat had kittens yesterday!” The preacher went into the kitchen to see them, and there they were, all tiny and mewling. He smiled and said, “What religion are they?” “They’re Christian kittens!” He laughed and patted her on the head and left. A month later, he stopped by the same house. “How are your little Christian kittens?” he asked the girl. “They’re good, but they’re not Christian kittens, they’re atheist kittens.” “What happened?” “Now their eyes are open.” Daniel [/QUOTE] 😃 ---
**Author:** ![thelurkinghorror](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7c8e57/32.png) [@thelurkinghorror](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thelurkinghorror)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2007, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-jokes/427305/26 "2007-11-21T17:17:53Z")
[QUOTE=ForumBot] What’s a shitty way to spend Easter? Like this [spread arms] [/QUOTE] Lucky for Jesus, he had been dead for 3 days by then. An old one: Why don’t Baptists have sex standing up? It might lead to dancing. ---
**Author:** ![Lathe\_of\_Heaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Lathe\_of\_Heaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lathe_of_Heaven)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2007, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-jokes/427305/27 "2007-11-21T17:19:00Z")
So this guy dies, and goes to hell, and discovers that it’s not so bad. He wakes up in a plain and worn but clean motel room. The Devil pulls up in a golf cart and offers to show him around. “You know,” says the guy, “this wasn’t what I was expecting.” “Well, we like it,” says the Devil. “Of course, Heaven has nicer restaurants, and–” Just then, the guy catches sight, in the distance, of a pit of FIERY TORMENT! The hideous stench of burned flesh and sulphur waft over on the breeze, along with the horrible screams of the damned. “Criminy!” says the guy. “Whatever is THAT all about?” “Oh, don’t worry about it,” says the Devil. “We had to build that for the Catholics. They INSISTED!” ---
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2007, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-jokes/427305/28 "2007-11-21T17:26:45Z")
Q: Why did all the ladies love Jesus? A: Because he was hung like this [holds arms out] ---
**Author:** ![NailBunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ecae2f/32.png) [@NailBunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NailBunny)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2007, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-jokes/427305/29 "2007-11-21T17:40:20Z")
[QUOTE=ZipperJJ] Q: Why did all the ladies love Jesus? A: Because he was hung like this [holds arms out] [/QUOTE] _shaking fist_ That’s the one I was coming in here to tell. Kills at parties. ---
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2007, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-jokes/427305/30 "2007-11-21T17:44:58Z")
[QUOTE=NailBunny] _shaking fist_ That’s the one I was coming in here to tell. Kills at parties. [/QUOTE] That’s “my joke” recently. However, I’ve found that everyone else I know has heard it already except for me. They don’t share ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Flander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8c91f0/32.png) [@Flander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flander)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2007, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-jokes/427305/31 "2007-11-21T17:48:59Z")
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? The picture doesn’t scream when you nail it to the wall. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2007, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-jokes/427305/32 "2007-11-21T17:53:29Z")
A priest, a rabbi and an imam walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of a joke?” “God is dead.” -Nietzsche “Nietzsche is dead.” -God [Seen on a refrigerator magnet when I was in college] ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2007, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-jokes/427305/33 "2007-11-21T17:57:58Z")
A man comes to his Rabbi for advice. “Rabbi”, he says, “My son has converted to Christianity, what can I do?” The Rabbi answers “You too? My son, he has also converted to Christianity. Let’s go talk to the Rebbe- he may have wisdom.” The men go to the most learned Rebbe in their schul- "Rebbe, our son’s have converted to Christianity- what can we do? The Rebbe asnwers "You too? Let us all pray to G-d for inspiration- Dear G-d: Our sons have all converted to Christianity. what should we do? G-d answers from above “You too?” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Frank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Frank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frank)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2007, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-jokes/427305/34 "2007-11-21T17:59:42Z")
Moved from IMHO to MPSIMS. ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2007, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-jokes/427305/35 "2007-11-21T18:12:11Z")
[QUOTE=OneCentStamp] St. Peter leans in and whispers into the man’s ear:It’s the Mormons. Keep your voice down; they think they’re the only ones here! [/QUOTE] I had always heard that as Southern Baptists ---
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2007, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-jokes/427305/36 "2007-11-21T18:19:15Z")
[QUOTE=Knowed Out] I had always heard that as Southern Baptists [/QUOTE] It probably was, to start with. I just heard it the way I heard it because I grew up Mormon. Luckily, the punchline works with about 80% of world religions because they’re all so freaking self-righteous. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![PaulParkhead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@PaulParkhead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PaulParkhead)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2007, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-jokes/427305/37 "2007-11-21T18:33:23Z")
A crazed, debauched, philandering drunk dies and finds himself in hell. There is an expression of extreme apprehension on his face as he is led to the cell where he will spend eternity. Satan’s minion opens the door and pushes him in. In the room, he sees about 10 guys standing around. They seem contented enough, sipping tea and eating McVitties Digestives. The only thing that’s unusual is that they are all waist-deep in shit. “Oh well, this could be worse”, thinks the sinner, as he pours himself a cup and takes a biscuit. Two minutes later, the demon who is supervising the room looks at his watch and says “Alright guys, tea break’s over. Back on your heads.” ---
**Author:** ![Barking\_Dog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ccd318/32.png) [@Barking\_Dog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Barking_Dog)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2007, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-jokes/427305/38 "2007-11-21T18:54:41Z")
An atheist was hiking through the woods. He thinks he hears something behind him so he turns and sees a bear. Not wanting to spook the bear, he and continues to walk, not run. The noise behind him gets louder so he turns to look and sure enough the bear is gaining on him. He decides to walk a little faster, but the noise continues to get louder. The bear catches up to him so man begins to run, but it’s no use because the bear is right behind him now, with one claw raised high in the air ready to come down on him. The man, gripped with fear, shouts out loud, “Oh dear God, don’t let me die.” With that everything freezes in time, and the man hears a loud, ominous voice from above. He says “I can save you my son, but first you must believe. Do you believe?” The man, confused and terrified, says “No, I’m an atheist, you don’t exist.” God replies, “So be it, that is your choice, but I cannot save you.” The man, scrambling to save his life, asks “If you can’t save me, can you at least make the bear a Christian?” God thinks about this for a minute and replies, “I have granted you your wish my son, the bear is now a Christian.” And with that everything goes back into motion. The bear, having lost all it’s momentum, drops to ground dizzy and confused. The man wondering if the bear is now a Christian doesn’t know what to think. The bear looks up rubbing its eyes and sees the man standing there. The bear’s eyes get really big which leaves the man breathless. Then the bear puts its front paws together and bows its head. This brings great relief to the man because he can see the bear is in fact a Christian and merely saying a prayer. Then the bear speaks, “Thank you Lord, for this meal I’m about to receive…” ---
**Author:** ![USCDiver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/uscdiver/32/354_2.png) [@USCDiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/USCDiver)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2007, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-jokes/427305/39 "2007-11-21T19:18:56Z")
What is a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? A person who stays up at night wondering if there’s a dog. ---
**Author:** ![manila](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e5b9ba/32.png) [@manila](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/manila)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2007, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-jokes/427305/40 "2007-11-21T19:28:07Z")
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