# Religious terminology, wrongly defined. **URL:** \ **Category:** Thread Games\ **Created:** [October 22, 2017, 2:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-terminology-wrongly-defined/799521 "2017-10-22T02:58:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Grestarian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grestarian/32/3227_2.png) [@Grestarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grestarian)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2017, 2:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-terminology-wrongly-defined/799521/1 "2017-10-22T02:58:59Z")
My apologies if I seem to start this thread and run away. This is not one of my regular forums so I might be gone a while before I remember to check to see what has developed. Anyway, I was writing a response to another thread and mentally speaking with an accent when I mangled a term. Then when I was thinking about that later I started remembering old Funky Winkerbean comic strips in which one of the guys was depicted sitting for an exam (these tended to come out around SAT and GRE season) and he would be given a term to define, for which he would supply some ludicrous funny answer. For example, one panel would show a caption of “Define Lagoon” and he would be shown writing “A French idiot.” So with that in mind I thought I’d open a thread to challenge my fellow irreverent dopers to help me define some religious terms – incorrectly, with accents and poor spelling and pronunciation and whatever helps to make things funny. For instance, I once saw a thread on a site that said, “What is a Buddhist Koan?” and someone commented jokingly, “Something for holding Buddhist ice cream.” and the ideas I was playing with the other day on my way to work were Q: Define bible. A: Whall, it’s like dis. When farmer Buford down th’ road puts a tractor up fer sale, the tractor is bible. Q: What is a heretic? A: One a dem blood-suckin’ critters that gets stuck along yer scalp. Take it from here! –G! Take it lightly and have fun! ---
**Author:** ![jtur88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e9c0ed/32.png) [@jtur88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jtur88)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2017, 9:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-terminology-wrongly-defined/799521/2 "2017-10-22T09:15:41Z")
When someone asks me my religious denomination, I tell them Apostates of Christ. No Christian knows what that means. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2017, 10:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-terminology-wrongly-defined/799521/3 "2017-10-22T10:52:46Z")
Actually heard in church: “no, being an altar child doesn’t mean you get to sit ON the altar. You’re not an altar figurine.” ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2017, 12:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-terminology-wrongly-defined/799521/4 "2017-10-22T12:13:29Z")
I don’t want to sit in the pew. Everybody keeps saying it smells bad. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2017, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-terminology-wrongly-defined/799521/5 "2017-10-22T13:40:58Z")
Psalm: a few or many. Psalm like it hot. ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2017, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-terminology-wrongly-defined/799521/6 "2017-10-22T14:25:33Z")
Penance: “Dem Brooklyn Dodgers win lotsa Penance, but the Yankees always win the World Series.” ---
**Author:** ![Biotop](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biotop/32/321_2.png) [@Biotop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biotop)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2017, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-terminology-wrongly-defined/799521/7 "2017-10-22T14:28:50Z")
I am at the church now, but earlier I was at the grocery store. That was my predestination. ---
**Author:** ![Thin\_Ice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/aeb1de/32.png) [@Thin\_Ice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thin_Ice)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2017, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-terminology-wrongly-defined/799521/8 "2017-10-22T14:29:58Z")
Altar: What a tailor does to your new suit. ---
**Author:** ![bibliophage](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bibliophage/32/7615_2.png) [@bibliophage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bibliophage)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2017, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-terminology-wrongly-defined/799521/9 "2017-10-22T14:53:24Z")
Apocalypse: when you have a pustule around the outside of your mouth Bahá’í: a losing stock market strategy Canonization: when they blast the hell out of you with a big gun Copts: that TV show about bad boys Karma: answer to the question “How did you get here, son?” Zoroaster: A flower named in honor of Don Diego de la Vega ---
**Author:** ![Biotop](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biotop/32/321_2.png) [@Biotop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biotop)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2017, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-terminology-wrongly-defined/799521/10 "2017-10-22T15:09:31Z")
John played cards too much. He kept twisting his hands while holding and shuffling and dealing. It got so he could barely turn his right hand anymore because of the pain. The doctor diagnosed eucharist. ---
**Author:** ![allotrope](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/edb3f5/32.png) [@allotrope](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/allotrope)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2017, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-terminology-wrongly-defined/799521/11 "2017-10-22T16:19:31Z")
speaking in tongues - when you stub your toe and make up a whole new language nirvana - when the person getting on your last nerve goes away ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2017, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-terminology-wrongly-defined/799521/12 "2017-10-22T18:57:58Z")
Calvinism: devotion to Spaceman Spiff ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2017, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-terminology-wrongly-defined/799521/13 "2017-10-22T19:01:11Z")
Eucharist: person who likes to annoy other fans by repeating “Juuust a little outside” or “I must be in the front roooow” at the ballpark. ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2017, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-terminology-wrongly-defined/799521/14 "2017-10-22T19:04:03Z")
Bar Mitzvah: ranch where they raise all the kosher cattle. ---
**Author:** ![Aspidistra](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aspidistra/32/3894_2.png) [@Aspidistra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aspidistra)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2017, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-terminology-wrongly-defined/799521/15 "2017-10-22T19:30:32Z")
What Catholics say at funerals: Glory Be to the Father and to the Son … and into the hole 'e goes! ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2017, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-terminology-wrongly-defined/799521/16 "2017-10-22T20:08:51Z")
Protestant: A testant that has lost its amateur status. ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2017, 11:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-terminology-wrongly-defined/799521/17 "2017-10-23T11:19:31Z")
Orthodox: physicians who prescribe orthopedic socks ---
**Author:** ![Aspidistra](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aspidistra/32/3894_2.png) [@Aspidistra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aspidistra)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2017, 11:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-terminology-wrongly-defined/799521/18 "2017-10-23T11:35:30Z")
Never serve a Muslim roast pork for dinner - they can’t eat pig. But it’s fine if it Islam ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2017, 1:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-terminology-wrongly-defined/799521/19 "2017-10-23T13:08:27Z")
Purgatory: special bathroom for bulimic Catholic girls to throw up ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2017, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-terminology-wrongly-defined/799521/20 "2017-10-23T13:37:03Z")
Catechism - the fate of felines [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/religious-terminology-wrongly-defined/799521.md?page=2)