Latro wrote:
It’s a very long story, and whether it would mean anything at all to you is dubious. But it might. We each have our own private moral journey, just as we each have our own consciousness that no one else can experience. No two people have ever shared the exact same experience from the exact same perspective at the exact same time; thus, each of us is a unique and free moral agent.
I cannot tell you the mechanics of how it happened (is happening), nor can I share the experience with you in the sense that I can pour into you what I am.
When I use the word heart, I mean it in the same sense that Jesus does, or as Merriam-Webster says, “the central or innermost part : the essential or most vital part of something”.
In any case, here is my (necessarily abridged) testimony as I’ve related it elsewhere. Take from it whatever you will.
It was a lengthy sequence of events over time.
One evening, about 1:00 in the morning, I walked into a hotel where we [Satanists] regularly met. One of the infrequent participants suddenly accosted me in the lobby. He reached behind his back and drew out a 38 revolver and began speaking incoherently about himself, and how I had robbed him of his rightful place.
He ordered me to leave, and marched me to my car, where he stood with his gun aimed at me as I got in. To my great relief, it started up. As I pulled away, he said, “Don’t ever let me see you again.”
To this day, I have no idea what he was talking about, but while I drove along the road to go home, I was under a huge adrenaline rush as I considered over and over that by all rights I should be dead. He was crazy, and murder would have been nothing to those people.
In my mind, I reviewed my activities over the past two years, and I don’t know why, but suddenly I felt enormous shame and helplessness. “Oh, God!” I cried out, “Please rescue me from this.”
Instantly, my whole being filled with His voice, “Find my word.”
As I came out of my semi-conscious state, I realized that my turn was only a few feet away. I swerved across two lanes, and after a blur of screeching tires and blaring horns, I found myself plowing headlong into the parking lot of one of the churches that we had desecrated some time back.
I stopped just a foot or so shy of the sign outside the building. My unreliable car choked a few times and died. Ahead of me, in the dim grayness of a streetlight, I saw written, “Come learn of God’s holy word.”
I stared in disbelief as I recalled the voice, “Find my word”. Nervous and shaking, I walked to the familiar door on the side, and to my astonishment, it was unlocked. I made my way to an office with bookshelves, and there was a Bible on the desk. As I picked it up, I heard a voice from behind me.
“Do you need a Bible?”
Startled, I dropped the book and turned around and saw a man with a white collar, obviously a pastor. “What are you doing here?” was all I could manage to say.
“I was about to ask you the same thing,” he said with a friendly smile.
“You scared the hell out of me,” I protested.
“You surprised me as well,” he said.
We talked until nearly dawn. He found out why I was there, and I found out that he had heard me and my car from the house next door where he lived. Tearfully, I told him nearly my whole story, and he listened attentively, giving me counsel and advice and, most remarkably to me, forgiving me for what we had done to his church.
As I left, he gave me a hug and said, “Don’t forget what you came for.” He gave me the Bible that I had found on his desk.
Over the course of the next several days, I began earnestly reading the book. God created this. God destroyed that. Mumbojumboabraham begat Hardtopronouncejehosaphat. Great armies fought. Great armies perished. God was jealous, and vengeance was his. The Pharaoh’s children had to die. I am, that is who I am.
The more removed I became from the urgency of that fateful night, and the more I read from those scriptures, the more I came to believe that I must have been crazy. After a couple of weeks, I put the book away and basically forgot about it. Nothing in it meant anything to me. It was dry, empty words about wrath and envy.
One day, as I was leisurely browsing in a bookstore, my eyes were captured by a prominently featured novel, called The Word. “Find my word,” I heard in the back of my head. I picked it up and read the synopsis: the Catholic Church was suppressing the discovery of an important ancient scroll that was bound to turn Christianity on its ear.
I bought the book and read it. It was an intriguing mystery novel, in which the Church deliberately mistranslated the scroll. And it got me to thinking that perhaps the scriptures were not even the correct ones. Maybe God’s word was yet to be discovered! It was in that reading that I learned the New Testament had been written in Greek.
Time passed. In defiance of both God and Satan, I became an atheist. A hard atheist. An arrogant and almost militant intellectual who delighted in mocking people of faith.
It was during this period of time that I met a man whom we called The Reverend Doctor Doctor. He was an ordained minister and held two doctorate degrees, one in English from the University of Chicago, and one in theology from Harvard.
Mine was a love-hate relationship with him. His debating skills were formidable. I therefore loved debating with him, but I hated that I could never achieve anything more than a stalemate. He seemed to anticipate every argument I could muster. I had never met anyone so well read and well versed in Christian apologetics.
One day, I recalled the book I had read, and presented to him the notion that perhaps the scriptures were tainted. Perhaps they had been mistranslated, or perhaps the Church had altered them.
At that, he smiled and pulled a very small book from his very large stack of books that he always carried. “Why don’t you see for yourself?”
It was almost a pamphlet, really, and when I opened it, it was all in Greek! “What is this?” I asked.
“It’s what you’ve been talking about,” he said, “You mean you haven’t read it?”
I flipped through the pages and looked up at him. I interpreted his grin as a challenge. I had always had a keen interest in linguistics, and if nothing else, this impressed me as something of a mystery puzzle and an opportunity to learn a new language. This couldn’t be the Bible; it was too short. And now my interest was piqued.
I went out and bought three books: an introductory Greek primer, an intermediate book on Greek grammar, and a huge two-thousand page tome that specialized in New Testament Greek and had multiple transliterations of scripture in interlinear columns.
After several weeks of study, I opened his pamphlet and, mustering my research materials, instantly recognized the first few words: “The word was in the beginning, and the word was with God, and the word was God.”
Wow! Wasn’t this an interesting coinkidink! “Find my word.”
I continued because the first several verses had a simple vocabulary, and were easy to translate. “…and the word became flesh and lived with us.”
Weird. And kind of icky.
I worked feverishly over the next few days, taking every moment I could spare to do my translations. It was some time before I discovered, or else it dawned on me, that what the Reverend Doctor Doctor had given me was the book of John. I was seeing that, in every single instance, the scriptures as translated by me were substantially the same as how they were translated in the interlinear text.
One day, I got a call from a friend asking if I would like to go to the Fiddler’s Convention. I told him what I was working on, and that I really didn’t have the time to spare. He asked whether I couldn’t work in the van on the way, and I decided that yes, I could. Besides, I had been cooped up now for months with this project, and I could use a break.
My friends and I were enjoying a ride to the mountains in a VW microbus that the driver had owned since the hippie days. We were, let’s just say enjoying the atmosphere, and listening to a blue grass tape.
I was on the eighth chapter near the end. Jesus was wrangling with the legalists (again), and I began to decipher verse number fifty-eight. Little did I know that in a few moments, my world would turn upside down and inside out.
I settled down and put the pamphlet on one knee, and my pad on the other. I looked at the verse.
…word was… …to them… …Jesus… …truth… …truth… …my word is… …to you… …before… …Abraham… …existed… …I… …am…
Translating is not just a matter of word for word transliteration. You have to sort of put it all together, because different languages use different idioms, syntaxes, and word order. So I began the task of arranging it all.
Let’s see, “Jesus said to them, ‘With all truth I tell you, before Abraham existed, I am’.”
I blinked a moment. That couldn’t be right. I had messed up the tenses somehow. You can’t mix past and present. I checked again. “Genesthai”. Yep, existed. Or was. “Ego emi”. Yep, I am. Dang. Must be a misprint in the Reverend Doctor Doctor’s pamphlet. Frustrated, I flipped through my interlinear until I found the verse there. No, it was the same. No misprint.
I looked out the window at the beautiful scenery, and turned to look once more at the verse. Suddenly, understanding rushed over me like the mighty Niagara.
I am, that is who I am… Before Abraham existed, I am… In the beginning was the word… And the word was God… And the word became flesh and lived among us… Find my word…
When I looked up, everything and everyone was indescribably beautiful. They were all looking at me, as later I was told that I had jumped or jerked visibly. I had never seen these people this way before. Every person in this ragtag band of former hippies was beautiful to me! And I loved them! I loved them as I had never loved anyone in my life.
And I felt love as I had never felt it. I felt a profound and gentle peace. A thousand questions I had had my whole like were at once answered. I was not who I was a moment before, and I knew it. I saw everything now through new eyes. I interpreted what was around me with a new mind. I felt compassion and love with a new heart.
I was positively giddy with excitement. I looked at one of the beautiful faces. It was the friend who had called me and invited me to come. His quizzical look made me laugh.
“My God!” I cried out, “He’s God!”
My friend’s expression didn’t change.
“Don’t you see!?” I said, leaning forward toward him, “Jesus is God!”
He smiled at me, nodded his head, and said, “Cool!”
The concert was wonderful. Everything was wonderful. Everyone was wonderful. I had found His Word.
When we returned home, I immediately sought out the Reverend Doctor Doctor. He knew instantly when he saw the glow on my face. We said not one word, but embraced and cried on one another’s shoulders. We both praised God, me with childlike enthusiasm, and he with mature reverence.
“I want you to teach me everything you know,” I told him through my tears.
“I already have,” he said. “Now I pray that God go with you always.”
From that day on, I have used the words he gave me to encourage people or comfort them. They are very familiar words to my Straight Dope friends, and they are words that I offer to any who seek to escape meaninglessness.
God go with you in your search for truth.