# Remakes That Haven't Happened Yet **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [June 10, 2015, 7:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remakes-that-havent-happened-yet/722149 "2015-06-10T07:12:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Richard\_John\_Marcej](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Richard\_John\_Marcej](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Richard_John_Marcej)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2015, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remakes-that-havent-happened-yet/722149/41 "2015-06-10T20:57:25Z")
> [@marshmallow](#): > > People would make Mr. Ed jokes. Or think it’s a DirecTV ad. ---
**Author:** ![Ike\_Witt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ike_witt/32/283_2.png) [@Ike\_Witt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ike_Witt)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2015, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remakes-that-havent-happened-yet/722149/42 "2015-06-10T21:27:42Z")
The 1990s animated series Reboot is getting a [reboot](http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2015/06/08/reboot-sequel-guardian-code_n_7537560.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular). ---
**Author:** ![NDP](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ndp/32/55_2.png) [@NDP](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NDP)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2015, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remakes-that-havent-happened-yet/722149/43 "2015-06-10T21:43:19Z")
> [@ChockFullOfHeadyGoodness](#): > > I once talked with a screenwriter who was working on a remake. That was in 1992. I could be wrong about this but wasn’t the proposed **Creature from the Black Lagoon** remake going to be an environmentally themed sci-fi thriller that had the creature going on a rampage to protect his rain forest lagoon home from being further destroyed by greedy business interests? ---
**Author:** ![Greg\_Charles](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/839c29/32.png) [@Greg\_Charles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Greg_Charles)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2015, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remakes-that-havent-happened-yet/722149/44 "2015-06-10T22:41:21Z")
_Remo Williams, The Adventure Begins!_ Come on Remo, it’s been 30 years, man. You must be rested by now! Of course, it was a terrible movie, but if that were enough to stop sequels from being made, the movie houses would stand empty pretty much all summer long. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2015, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remakes-that-havent-happened-yet/722149/45 "2015-06-10T22:44:23Z")
I want to see _Blade Runner_ done Darker & Edgier. ---
**Author:** ![Cumberdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8c91f0/32.png) [@Cumberdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cumberdale)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2015, 1:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remakes-that-havent-happened-yet/722149/46 "2015-06-11T13:35:38Z")
They talked about remaking _Attack of the Killer Tomatoes_ and _Cannibal the Musical_ several years ago. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2015, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remakes-that-havent-happened-yet/722149/47 "2015-06-11T13:50:17Z")
There have been several movie versions of _King Solomon’s Mines_, all as far as I know have been terrible. Nearly all, as far as I can see, have felt the need to add a White woman as the love interest: it is interesting to see that 20th/21st century movie adaptations are actually more racist than the 19th century book! (In the book, the love interest was a Black woman, who falls in love with a friend of the narrator). > **[King Solomon's Mines (disambiguation)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/King_Solomon%27s_Mines_(film))** > > King Solomon's Mines is an 1885 adventure novel by H. Rider Haggard. > King Solomon's Mines may also refer to: It would be neat to see an actually faithful version made. ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2015, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remakes-that-havent-happened-yet/722149/48 "2015-06-11T14:11:48Z")
> [@Malthus](#): > > There have been several movie versions of _King Solomon’s Mines_, all as far as I know have been terrible. Nearly all, as far as I can see, have felt the need to add a White woman as the love interest: it is interesting to see that 20th/21st century movie adaptations are actually more racist than the 19th century book! (In the book, the love interest was a Black woman, who falls in love with a friend of the narrator). > > [King Solomon's Mines (disambiguation) - Wikipedia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/King_Solomon%27s_Mines_(film)) > > It would be neat to see an actually faithful version made. I think we’re as likely to see a new version of _King Solomon’s Mines_ as we are a new version of H. Rider Haggard’s other masterpiece, _She_. I finally got to see Merian C. Cooper’s version last year. It’s amazing to see, especially colorized. You can see how the imagery influenced Disney (The Evil Queen in _Snow White_ definitely gets her look from Ayesha, She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed) and Harryhausen (who lifted an avalanche sequence for _Beast from 20,000 Fathoms_, and adapted the Throne Room for his own _First Men in the Moon_), but there’s no doubt that the “resonance” the elements of the plot had for earlier audiences really isn’t there anymore. Attitudes towards other cultures and our relationships with them have changed, and the twilight of colonialism world that Haggard wrote for is gone. The more recent versions of She and Solomon’s depart more from the novel than earlier films did, and I think that it’s not all due to the usual causes of auteur variation. Haggard was one of the better writers, in that he treats all his characters with dignity. He’s got black heroes in his works, and even interracial romance, but there’s still condescension and hidden assumptions of the relative values of different cultures in there (he’s the originator, in _She_, of the White Queen of the Non-White People trope). You could film his stuff as Period Pieces, I think, but they might make people uneasy. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2015, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remakes-that-havent-happened-yet/722149/49 "2015-06-11T14:43:31Z")
> [@CalMeacham](#): > > I think we’re as likely to see a new version of _King Solomon’s Mines_ as we are a new version of H. Rider Haggard’s other masterpiece, _She_. > > I finally got to see Merian C. Cooper’s version last year. It’s amazing to see, especially colorized. You can see how the imagery influenced Disney (The Evil Queen in _Snow White_ definitely gets her look from Ayesha, She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed) and Harryhausen (who lifted an avalanche sequence for _Beast from 20,000 Fathoms_, and adapted the Throne Room for his own _First Men in the Moon_), but there’s no doubt that the “resonance” the elements of the plot had for earlier audiences really isn’t there anymore. Attitudes towards other cultures and our relationships with them have changed, and the twilight of colonialism world that Haggard wrote for is gone. The more recent versions of She and Solomon’s depart more from the novel than earlier films did, and I think that it’s not all due to the usual causes of auteur variation. > > Haggard was one of the better writers, in that he treats all his characters with dignity. He’s got black heroes in his works, and even interracial romance, but there’s still condescension and hidden assumptions of the relative values of different cultures in there (he’s the originator, in _She_, of the White Queen of the Non-White People trope). You could film his stuff as Period Pieces, I think, but they might make people uneasy. I dunno - the theme in _King Solomon’s Mines_ is very clearly anti-colonial; for example, when the three explorers are leaving the Kingdom, the new King basically tells them that they are the only three White guys who are welcome to come back, in a speech that is surprisingly contemporary. > [@](#): > > “Well, ye must go, and leave my heart sore, because ye will be as dead to me, since from where ye will be no tidings can come to me. > > “But listen, and let all the white men know my words. No other white man shall cross the mountains, even if any may live to come so far. I will see no traders with their guns and rum. My people shall fight with the spear, and drink water, like their forefathers before them. I will have no praying men to put fear of death into men’s hearts, to stir them up agains the king, and make a path for the white men who follow to run on. If a white man comes to my gates I will send him back; if a hundred come, I will push them back; if an army comes, I will make war on them with all my strength, and they shall not prevail against me. None shall ever come for the shining stones…But for ye three, Incubi, Macumahzahn, and Bougwan, the path is always open…” —King Solomon’s Mines, pages 279-280 Reading this novel usually surpises people with its modernity in terms of racial issues - Haggard very clearly sees his Black characters as equally potentially noble as his White characters. What I think modern audiences may have difficulty is not that, but a different issue - that Haggard quite clearly views violence as inherently ennobling, for Blacks and Whites alike. The things he admires about (for example) the Zulu culture, are exactly the things that modern people would deplore: its penchant for aggressive warfare, its military discipline. Of course, these are just the characteristics that Haggard admired in his own culture. In She, the non-White folks She ruled over were quite different from the “noble” proto-Zulus of King Solomon’s Mines - they were a sort of Morlocks. I can see that not going over very well. ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2015, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remakes-that-havent-happened-yet/722149/50 "2015-06-11T14:51:58Z")
> [@Malthus](#): > > I dunno - the theme in _King Solomon’s Mines_ is very clearly anti-colonial; for example, when the three explorers are leaving the Kingdom, the new King basically tells them that they are the only three White guys who are welcome to come back, in a speech that is surprisingly contemporary. > > —King Solomon’s Mines, pages 279-280 > > Reading this novel usually surpises people with its modernity in terms of racial issues - Haggard very clearly sees his Black characters as equally potentially noble as his White characters. What I think modern audiences may have difficulty is not that, but a different issue - that Haggard quite clearly views violence as inherently ennobling, for Blacks and Whites alike. The things he admires about (for example) the Zulu culture, are exactly the things that modern people would deplore: its penchant for aggressive warfare, its military discipline. Of course, these are just the characteristics that Haggard admired in his own culture. > > In She, the non-White folks She ruled over were quite different from the “noble” proto-Zulus of King Solomon’s Mines - they were a sort of Morlocks. I can see that not going over very well. It was my recent reading of the intro to the Penguin edition of _She_ that pointed out Haggard’s colonialist assumptions and glorifications, and the subtler racism. Before that I was unaware of it – after all, he has the noble Zulu Umslopogaas, there’s a budding (but significantly unresolved) interracial romance in KSM. In _People of the Mist_ there’s a main character who’s a black dwarf (how unlikely is THAT in a turn-of-the-century novel?) who isn’t treated like a clownish figure (think of him as a black Tyrion). Nevertheless, Haggard could no more escape the assumptions of his culture and time than we could, I don’t think a straight adaptation of any of his works would go off completely well today. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2015, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remakes-that-havent-happened-yet/722149/51 "2015-06-11T15:03:08Z")
> [@CalMeacham](#): > > It was my recent reading of the intro to the Penguin edition of _She_ that pointed out Haggard’s colonialist assumptions and glorifications, and the subtler racism. Before that I was unaware of it – after all, he has the noble Zulu Umslopogaas, there’s a budding (but significantly unresolved) interracial romance in KSM. In _People of the Mist_ there’s a main character who’s a black dwarf (how unlikely is THAT in a turn-of-the-century novel?) who isn’t treated like a clownish figure (think of him as a black Tyrion). > > Nevertheless, Haggard could no more escape the assumptions of his culture and time than we could, I don’t think a straight adaptation of any of his works would go off completely well today. I don’t get it. On the one hand, you say his colonialist assumptions were so subtle that _you_ didn’t pick up on them from _actually reading the books_ - until you read an essay by someone else pointing them out. Yet on the other hand, that because of these colonialist assumptions, a modern audience would reject a straight adaptation? This presupposes that modern audiences, as a mass, are more sensitive to such nuances than you are - and would perceive them even through a movie adaptation. Frankly, I credit you with more sophistication in these matters than the movie-going public, and not less. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2015, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remakes-that-havent-happened-yet/722149/52 "2015-06-11T15:07:18Z")
How about a quirky, dark remake of _Popeye_, centering on Wimpy and being released either unrated or with an NC-17 rating? Also, a remake of _The Last Temptation of Christ_ as a comedy and titled _Absolutely The Last Temptation of Christ_. ---
**Author:** ![OffByOne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/45deac/32.png) [@OffByOne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OffByOne)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2015, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remakes-that-havent-happened-yet/722149/53 "2015-06-11T15:28:33Z")
> [@Shoeless](#): > > Well, after “The Last Remake of Beau Geste”, you really can’t very well have another one! Tell that to the makers of Final Fantasy XLVII! ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2015, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remakes-that-havent-happened-yet/722149/54 "2015-06-11T15:34:54Z")
> [@Malthus](#): > > I don’t get it. > > On the one hand, you say his colonialist assumptions were so subtle that _you_ didn’t pick up on them from _actually reading the books_ - until you read an essay by someone else pointing them out. > > Yet on the other hand, that because of these colonialist assumptions, a modern audience would reject a straight adaptation? > > This presupposes that modern audiences, as a mass, are more sensitive to such nuances than you are - and would perceive them even through a movie adaptation. Frankly, I credit you with more sophistication in these matters than the movie-going public, and not less. 😉 Haven’t got the time to discuss this now. But – On the surface, Haggard has moments that look suspiciously enlightened But he has underlying assumptions of cultural and racial superiority that aren’t always obvious and I do think they will ultimately make the audience uneasy. Film the noble Umslopogaas. I think if you show the adventurers fooling the natives with their knowledge of eclipses (and of dentures) you won’t get the effect you’re looking for. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2015, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remakes-that-havent-happened-yet/722149/55 "2015-06-11T15:47:11Z")
> [@CalMeacham](#): > > Haven’t got the time to discuss this now. > > But – On the surface, Haggard has moments that look suspiciously enlightened > > But he has underlying assumptions of cultural and racial superiority that aren’t always obvious > > and I do think they will ultimately make the audience uneasy. > > Film the noble Umslopogaas. I think if you show the adventurers fooling the natives with their knowledge of eclipses (and of dentures) you won’t get the effect you’re looking for. The funny thing about that is that Haggard was merely re-using for fictional purposes an actual historical incident. > **[March 1504 lunar eclipse](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/March_1504_lunar_eclipse)** > > A total lunar eclipse occurred on 1 March 1504, visible at sunset for the Americas, and later over night over Europe and Africa, and near sunrise over Asia. > During his fourth and last voyage, Christopher Columbus induced the inhabitants of Jamaica to continue provisioning him and his hungry men, successfully intimidating them by correctly predicting a total lunar eclipse for 1 March 1504 (visible on the evening of 29 February in the Americas). > Some have claimed that Columbus used the Ephemeri... I dunno if one can reasonably convict Haggard of subtley poking fun at natives in a racist manner because he re-used a trick that actually worked in real life. ---
**Author:** ![TCMF-2L](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tcmf-2l/32/16553_2.png) [@TCMF-2L](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TCMF-2L)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2015, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remakes-that-havent-happened-yet/722149/56 "2015-06-11T15:51:34Z")
**American Gothic** with **Gary Cole** struggled with a low budget and needed help with the scripts but the episode with the greedy lawyer was great TV. As an example of ‘dark drama’ with an ambiguous (to put it mildly) protagonist it was probably ahead of it’s time but coming after **The Sopranos** and **Dexter** the world is ready for the remake. Meanwhile I always wondered whether **Xena: Warrior Princess** could be done more seriously? Take away the humour and I suspect it would fall apart but the basic premise appealed from a dramatic viewpoint: Woman becomes a fighter to defend village. Rises to leading an army. Seduced by power and the concept of “Attack is the best form of defense” becomes the very thing she was fighting. Renounces her old ways and attempts to atone by doing good despite being met with fear, suspicion and hostility wherever she goes. There are historical precedents for female warrior / leaders (for example Boudica) and the show could retain some light fantasy elements. I’m thinking along the lines of the UK production \*\*Robin of Sherwood \*\*(retitled **Robin Hood** in the US) from the 1980s. That was the show with **Michael Praed** as Robin Hood and music by **Clannad**. I reckon it could be done. Both ‘my’ remakes will struggle to match the original casting. TCMF-2L ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2015, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remakes-that-havent-happened-yet/722149/57 "2015-06-11T16:22:23Z")
Forest Gumpier ---
**Author:** ![xizor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xizor/32/102_2.png) [@xizor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xizor)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2015, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remakes-that-havent-happened-yet/722149/58 "2015-06-11T16:29:24Z")
Some of the 70s films with updated social commentary perhaps. **Soylent Green**? **Logan’s Run**? They would have to avoid becoming CGI filled summer blockbusters to work though. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2015, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remakes-that-havent-happened-yet/722149/59 "2015-06-11T16:59:17Z")
> [@CalMeacham](#): > > After Flesh Gordon II came out (and we didn’t think THAT was going to happen for a long time, but it finally did), I don’t think anyone’s going to be trying it again. That they made sequels to Psycho didn’t prevent them from doing a remake. It should have. I’ve never seen the Flesh Gordon sequel, but I have read about it, and seen some pictures, so I’ll pass. > [@](#): > > And I don’t think any parts were lost – the film has just been released in different versions, but the X-rated original is elusive, and not on DVD. (The version they showed in Salt Lake City at the Blue Mouse theater was REALLY heavily cut). My understanding is that the parts they cut out for the re-release were lost. I haven’t looked recently, but the last time there was no version of the original available. I saw this in its original theatrical release, and I saw the VHS version back a while ago, and that version is a total mess. Strangely Flesh Gordon may be the only case where a porn remake of something was better than the non-porn Flash Gordon remake (except for the soundtrack.) ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2015, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remakes-that-havent-happened-yet/722149/60 "2015-06-11T17:05:19Z")
Here’s one - a remake of Oh, God with Lewis Black in the George Burns role. The John Denver character is gay, and Lewis shows up to endorse his wedding. Then he loses it at some fundie picketers outside the church. Then you can have a sequel, Son of Oh God, where Lewis’s son, works in the supermarket, gets locked in the freezer, and emerges in three days (well, two actually.) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remakes-that-havent-happened-yet/722149.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remakes-that-havent-happened-yet/722149.md?page=4)