# Remember, kids, don't masturbate **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 25, 2005, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709 "2005-11-25T18:58:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![FlyingRamenMonster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@FlyingRamenMonster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FlyingRamenMonster)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2005, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709/1 "2005-11-25T18:58:52Z")
[This is what happens if you do.](http://patft.uspto.gov/netacgi/nph-Parser?Sect1=PTO1&Sect2=HITOFF&d=PALL&p=1&u=/netahtml/srchnum.htm&r=1&f=G&l=50&s1=852638.WKU.&OS=PN/852638&RS=PN/852638) šŸ˜ƒ ---
**Author:** ![FlyingRamenMonster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@FlyingRamenMonster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FlyingRamenMonster)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2005, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709/2 "2005-11-25T19:02:05Z")
Ugh, sorry, my browser is acting funny and wonā€™t update my address bar. [This](http://web.utk.edu/~tmcgowa1/worstsin.jpg) is the actual link. The story is that I stumbled across the Wikipedia article on masturbation (I feel I should not be surprised at this, after all they do have an article for EVERYTHING, but :eek: ) and saw this at the bottom. Tee hee. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2005, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709/3 "2005-11-25T19:15:35Z")
That whole persecution mentality is so messed up. I wonder what it would have been like to be a kid who came down with some kind of cancer or wasting disease or _gasp_ blindness through no fault of my own and then have a medical professional check me out and tell my folks it was because I was a wanker. ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2005, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709/4 "2005-11-25T21:06:40Z")
> [@The Book with No Name](#): > > He raves; he stiffens in anticipation of coming death. Cripes! Thatā€™s all he thinks about ā€“ heā€™s always at it! :eek: ---
**Author:** ![detop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bcef8e/32.png) [@detop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/detop)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2005, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709/5 "2005-11-25T21:16:22Z")
> [@The Book With No Name](#): > > His hair, once so beautiful, is falling out like an old manā€™s ; early in life, he is becoming bald. I thought you were supposed to have hair growing in your hands ? ---
**Author:** ![crowmanyclouds](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crowmanyclouds/32/19884_2.png) [@crowmanyclouds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/crowmanyclouds)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2005, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709/6 "2005-11-25T21:47:12Z")
> [@Daithi Lacha](#): > > Cripes! Thatā€™s all he thinks about ā€“ heā€™s always at it! :eek: and heā€™s an orgasm addict. heā€™s an orgasm addict. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2005, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709/7 "2005-11-25T22:01:53Z")
[And lest we forgetā€¦](http://photos1.blogger.com/img/196/2653/1024/everytimeyoumasturbategodkillsakittenpleasethinkofthekittens.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![ultrafilter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/3d9bf3/32.png) [@ultrafilter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultrafilter)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2005, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709/8 "2005-11-25T22:28:01Z")
> [@csharpmajor](#): > > [This is what happens if you do.](http://patft.uspto.gov/netacgi/nph-Parser?Sect1=PTO1&Sect2=HITOFF&d=PALL&p=1&u=/netahtml/srchnum.htm&r=1&f=G&l=50&s1=852638.WKU.&OS=PN/852638&RS=PN/852638) šŸ˜ƒ I dunno, Iā€™ve been jerking off for a long time and I have yet to have any dealings with the US Patent Office. ---
**Author:** ![Ice\_Wolf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/dfb087/32.png) [@Ice\_Wolf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ice_Wolf)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2005, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709/9 "2005-11-25T22:33:49Z")
> [@Johnny L.A.](#): > > [And lest we forgetā€¦](http://photos1.blogger.com/img/196/2653/1024/everytimeyoumasturbategodkillsakittenpleasethinkofthekittens.jpg) Okay, I clicked. Either Iā€™m glad I got fooled, or Iā€™m glad the link was ā€œaccess deniedā€. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Martin\_Hyde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/47e85d/32.png) [@Martin\_Hyde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martin_Hyde)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2005, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709/10 "2005-11-25T23:14:39Z")
There was a great ā€œeducational videoā€ shown on American Dad about this. A young boy goes into his bedroom and masturbates, within thirty seconds his eyes melt and his hands become covered in hair. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Stamos\_Left\_Ear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_stamos_left_ear/32/3198_2.png) [@John\_Stamos\_Left\_Ear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Stamos_Left_Ear)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2005, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709/11 "2005-11-25T23:23:57Z")
I couldnā€™t see anything at the first link so it must be true! You do go blind!!! ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2005, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709/12 "2005-11-26T00:15:36Z")
> [@Ice Wolf](#): > > Okay, I clicked. Either Iā€™m glad I got fooled, or Iā€™m glad the link was ā€œaccess deniedā€. :eek: Funny, it works for me. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Blue_Sky)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2005, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709/13 "2005-11-26T00:22:24Z")
> [@Johnny L.A.](#): > > Funny, it works for me. I clicked on the link and got the ā€œaccess deniedā€ screen, but I clicked in the address bar and hit enter and got the pic (using Firefox 1.0.6) ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2005, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709/14 "2005-11-26T00:28:30Z")
It still seems like a small price to pay though doesnā€™t it? ---
**Author:** ![Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/regallag_the_axe/32/445_2.png) [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Regallag_The_Axe)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2005, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709/15 "2005-11-26T01:00:34Z")
Hmmmā€¦ thatā€™s not what my [cite](http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Masturbation) says. ---
**Author:** ![Ice\_Wolf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/dfb087/32.png) [@Ice\_Wolf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ice_Wolf)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2005, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709/16 "2005-11-26T01:18:43Z")
> [@Mr. Blue Sky](#): > > I clicked on the link and got the ā€œaccess deniedā€ screen, but I clicked in the address bar and hit enter and got the pic (using Firefox 1.0.6) Cool! Thanks, **Mr. Blue Sky**. Yeah, I use Firefox. šŸ™‚ ---
**Author:** ![TJdude825](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/dec6dc/32.png) [@TJdude825](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TJdude825)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2005, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709/17 "2005-11-26T01:56:37Z")
> [@Johnny L.A.](#): > > [And lest we forgetā€¦](http://photos1.blogger.com/img/196/2653/1024/everytimeyoumasturbategodkillsakittenpleasethinkofthekittens.jpg) I got ā€œaccess deniedā€ too. Is this the picture you meant to link to? [http://www.shanghai-ultimate.com/photos/every-time-you-masturbate-god-kills-kitten.jpg](http://www.shanghai-ultimate.com/photos/every-time-you-masturbate-god-kills-kitten.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2005, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709/18 "2005-11-26T02:00:00Z")
> [@TJdude825](#): > > I got ā€œaccess deniedā€ too. Is this the picture you meant to link to? > > [http://www.shanghai-ultimate.com/photos/every-time-you-masturbate-god-kills-kitten.jpg](http://www.shanghai-ultimate.com/photos/every-time-you-masturbate-god-kills-kitten.jpg) Yes, only the photo in my link is larger. Iā€™m on OS X using Safari, BTW. ---
**Author:** ![betenoir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/258eb7/32.png) [@betenoir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/betenoir)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2005, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709/19 "2005-11-26T02:41:23Z")
> [@Johnny L.A.](#): > > Yes, only the photo in my link is larger. Guys just _have_ to brag donā€™t they? ---
**Author:** ![picunurse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7bcc69/32.png) [@picunurse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/picunurse)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2005, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709/20 "2005-11-26T03:29:01Z")
> [@Johnny L.A.](#): > > Yes, only the photo in my link is larger. > > Iā€™m on OS X using Safari, BTW. So am I, and I got the access denied too. I donā€™t know how it was presented, but the discription is more likely [tertiary syphilis](http://www.niaid.nih.gov/factsheets/stdsyph.htm) which you _DO NOT GET_ from masturbation! [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709.md?page=2)