# Remember, kids, don't masturbate **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 25, 2005, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709 "2005-11-25T18:58:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2005, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709/21 "2005-11-26T15:57:36Z")
Well, my legs have not given way, but they are sore today… ---
**Author:** ![betenoir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/258eb7/32.png) [@betenoir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/betenoir)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2005, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709/22 "2005-11-26T17:13:56Z")
> [@picunurse](#): > > I don’t know how it was presented, but the discription is more likely [tertiary syphilis](http://www.niaid.nih.gov/factsheets/stdsyph.htm) > which you _DO NOT GET_ from masturbation! I was thinking a lot of it sounded like turberculosis. Which of course we all know you get from reading poetry and moping. ---
**Author:** ![Phnord\_Prephect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/df705f/32.png) [@Phnord\_Prephect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phnord_Prephect)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2005, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709/23 "2005-11-26T22:25:33Z")
> [@Johnny L.A.](#): > > [And lest we forget…](http://photos1.blogger.com/img/196/2653/1024/everytimeyoumasturbategodkillsakittenpleasethinkofthekittens.jpg) Y’all remember the Sabre-toothed tiger? Yeah. Sorry 'bout that. :wally ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2005, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709/24 "2005-11-26T22:49:01Z")
I’ve always heard that when a woman masterbates, God gives the world a puppy. ---
**Author:** ![Kythereia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e8c25b/32.png) [@Kythereia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kythereia)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2005, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709/25 "2005-11-26T22:54:18Z")
…Funny, what’s this basket of puppies doing on my doorstep…? ---
**Author:** ![Dijon\_Warlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a9a28c/32.png) [@Dijon\_Warlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dijon_Warlock)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2005, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709/26 "2005-11-27T02:40:06Z")
If you masturbate, I’ll run 'em down to the church for ya. ---
**Author:** ![Antigen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/848f3c/32.png) [@Antigen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antigen)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2005, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709/27 "2005-11-27T02:48:37Z")
Puppies! Get your puppies here! Free puppies! I’ll produce them on demand, just place your orders! ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Blue_Sky)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2005, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709/28 "2005-11-27T02:50:04Z")
I see dozens of ads for free kittens in the paper all the time. SOMEBODY’S NOT doing their job! ---
**Author:** ![chaoticbear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f07891/32.png) [@chaoticbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chaoticbear)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2005, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709/29 "2005-11-28T02:50:55Z")
> [@Mr. Blue Sky](#): > > I see dozens of ads for free kittens in the paper all the time. > > SOMEBODY’S NOT doing their job! I’m on it, chief! ---
**Author:** ![MEBuckner](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mebuckner/32/2896_2.png) [@MEBuckner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MEBuckner)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2005, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709/30 "2005-11-28T03:39:07Z")
> [@csharpmajor](#): > > [This is what happens if you do.](http://patft.uspto.gov/netacgi/nph-Parser?Sect1=PTO1&Sect2=HITOFF&d=PALL&p=1&u=/netahtml/srchnum.htm&r=1&f=G&l=50&s1=852638.WKU.&OS=PN/852638&RS=PN/852638) Wait a minute, masturbation’s been _patented_? Aww, man, I owe somebody some big-time royalties. ---
**Author:** ![chaoticbear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f07891/32.png) [@chaoticbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chaoticbear)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2005, 9:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709/31 "2005-11-28T09:05:09Z")
No, the process of masturbation leading to certain horrible, horrible death is. ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2005, 1:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709/32 "2005-11-28T13:01:22Z")
> [@crowmanyclouds](#): > > and he’s an orgasm addict. > he’s an orgasm addict. That was _exactly_ what was running through my head! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![MrFantsyPants](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ba0ec/32.png) [@MrFantsyPants](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrFantsyPants)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2005, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709/33 "2005-11-28T14:52:06Z")
> [@Johnny L.A.](#): > > Yes, only the photo in my link is larger. > > I’m on OS X using Safari, BTW. The reason it works for you and no one else is that you are referencing a file on your local machine… [http://localhost:10141/img/196/2653/1024/everytimeyoumasturbategodkillsakittenpleasethinkofthekittens.jpg](http://localhost:10141/img/196/2653/1024/everytimeyoumasturbategodkillsakittenpleasethinkofthekittens.jpg) to be exact. You need to upload it to a webserver that is accessible to everyone, not just you. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2005, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709/34 "2005-11-28T16:53:15Z")
> [@MrFantsyPants](#): > > You need to upload it to a webserver that is accessible to everyone, not just you. That’s weird. All I did was google for the photo, go to the page, copy the URL from the image, and paste it into the Reply box. Anyway, at the risk of necrohippoflagellation, here’s a different page with a good-sized image: [http://www.hunterryan.com/everytimeyoumasturbategodkillsakittenpleasethinkofthekittens.jpg](http://www.hunterryan.com/everytimeyoumasturbategodkillsakittenpleasethinkofthekittens.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![Dijon\_Warlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a9a28c/32.png) [@Dijon\_Warlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dijon_Warlock)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2005, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709/35 "2005-11-28T17:51:43Z")
_Must_ I think of kittens when I masturbate? Is bestiality now so politically correct as to be mandated? The Olsen Twins are often described as “gibbon-faced imps.” PLEASE tell me this qualifies. [sub]…FWAPP-FWAPP-FWAPP…[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![chaoticbear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f07891/32.png) [@chaoticbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chaoticbear)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2005, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709/36 "2005-11-28T21:16:37Z")
> [@Dijon Warlock](#): > > _Must_ I think of kittens when I masturbate? Yes, cute fuzzy kittens! Who see motion and must bat at the motion. Thus making you bleed. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2005, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709/37 "2005-11-29T00:22:46Z")
I like the doo-rag on the horny poet. Very nice. That kitten picture is one of my all-time favourite internet items. Right up there with the Independent Woman kittens. ---
**Author:** ![Dijon\_Warlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a9a28c/32.png) [@Dijon\_Warlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dijon_Warlock)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2005, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709/38 "2005-11-30T02:07:40Z")
Ahhh…that’s much better. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/remember-kids-dont-masturbate/332709.md?page=1)