Apologies in advance if the following post is considered conciliatory…
I agree that the first part of Spain vs Paraguay was an example of less than entertaining football. You probably missed the last 30 minutes which were very exciting.
It’s very common for Americans to be unappreciative of football, or soccer as you call it, so you’re not alone. And understandably so, partly of course because Americans aren’t exposed to as much of it, nor at as young an age. There are also some inherent qualities that may cause members of the American culture to be less benignly disposed towards it.
Soccer as you call it, is a low scoring game. An average Premier League game only has two and a half goals. Scores such as 0-0, 1-0 and 1-1 are common.
Draws are very common compared to other sports. A draw is almost as common as a win. In an even matchup it’s probably THE most common result. A draw can be considerd a bit of an anti-climax or disappointing.
Only one pause, which is too long. American sports usually have several breaks, which might be a positive thing if you want to go get a drink, pee or do something else for a minute or two. The break there is in soccer is 15 minutes, which is way more than you need for the majority of stuff you may want to do so it may cause boredom or other negative emotions.
The offside rule is hard to explain. It’s created to prevent the tactic of just parking forwards in the goal boz and lobbing balls at them. So you cant sneak a player in behind the defence and THEN pass the ball to him. You need to time the run and the pass (usually called a cross when hit diagonally/high or a “through ball” if played more directly at goal and/or usually low.
The rules is that you are offside if you recieve the ball from a team mate and you at the time the pass was made was in “front” of the second-to-last defender. In front meaning closer to the shorter of the lines defining the pitch.
The tempo is somewhat slow. A game is played over 90 minutes and only three substitutions are allowed, which means the players have to conserve energy. In most american sports, when you do something, you do it at maximum of close to maximum energy levels. Once a baseball player runs or throws, he usually does so at close to his maximum speed and power. A linebacker in football doesn’t normally just jog towards his opponent or deliver a “mild” tackle. In soccer players will spend a lot of time jogging or walking to the tactically correct position, or just standing there if they’re already there. The need to conserve energy means it’s less intense in a way.
Finding the excitement in soccer is more complicated than in for example american football. When a really big guy smashes into another really big guy wearing awesome costumes it’s just naturally exciting. Jizzing your pants because of how a player recieved a rather ordinary cross without scoring a goal or making an important pass takes practise. Or being impressed by how a defender positioned himself in exactly the right place to intercept a pass.
I’d also like to adress some of the statements:
“There is no skill in soccer”. I’m sure you understand this is untrue. In fact one could argue that there’s probably MORE skill in soccer than any other game. It is after all the most played game in the world, with the most practicioners and with enormous financial and social incitaments for becoming good at it. The market has for example valued the right to use player Leo Messis skillset to be worth several hundred millions of dollars. The skills in football may be less obvious, I guess.
“Football players are pussies”. Actually no, they’re cheaters, they just look like pussies. When they fall over and roll around in pain after (not) being touched, they’re trying to fool the referee, they’re not actually hurting or suffering from bad balance.