# Resources for Adults Who Don't Know How to Adult? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 2, 2014, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/resources-for-adults-who-dont-know-how-to-adult/706118 "2014-12-02T14:16:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2014, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/resources-for-adults-who-dont-know-how-to-adult/706118/21 "2014-12-04T13:58:51Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > Check out the list of characteristics of an [ACA here.](http://acainnerpeace.ncf.ca/charac.htm) It sounds as though he was brought up in a very dysfunctional manner. Or more accurately, he was not brought up at all, just provided for. > > ACA meetings are free, although folks generally throw a dollar or two int he basket at each meeting. If he chooses, he can ask someone to be his “sponsor” and that person will become a sort of life coach. Sponsors listen, advise, and lead the ACA through the steps toward a more functional life. Above all, they will teach him the habit and skills of daily self-examination. That’s almost always the skill lacking when people seem never to learn from their mistakes or move forward in their lives. > > Meetings themselves would give him a wider fellowship and a place to “dump” all these problems without burdening you every time. > > On your part I would advise strengthening boundaries and allowing yourself to be a friend, and listen without taking on the problems. It can be very difficult to face what our society does to people who fall below a certain income level (like when car trouble = unreliability = loss of job.) You can help him brainstorm and consider solutions and strategies without getting upset as if it were happening to you, or offering financial assistance. See, that’s exactly the sort of thing I was looking for - though I am puzzled why some pages say ‘Adult Children Anonymous’ and others ‘Adult Children of Alcoholics’. Sadly, it looks like the nearest physical meeting would be 50 miles away. ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2014, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/resources-for-adults-who-dont-know-how-to-adult/706118/22 "2014-12-04T14:01:16Z")
> [@ddsun](#): > > Many therapists or psychiatrists use High Functioning Austism (HFA) to replace the term Asberger’s. Some actually distinguish between the two, but that takes splitting hairs to a whole new place. Most use HFA. > > I would strongly encourage you to encourage your friend to pursue the autism diagnosis. If his counselor is not equipped, find out who is. Once he gets an answer on where he sits, or doesn’t on, the spectrum, he may be eligible for help AND TRAINING. Based on what you’re saying, he’s likely autistic, but internet diagnostics are not reliable. 🙂 > > Second, community colleges, I think, may offer life skills courses. Even some weekend offerings might really help him get some basic training. > > Third, look for autism groups in the area. They will have meetings, and other resources that can help. Even just moral support. > > My son was diagnosed several months ago, so I’ve been exploring this whole world myself. Good luck. I have advised him to get professional confirmation on the autism diagnosis, two days ago. He did not acknowledge the suggestion in a subsequent email, so … I think he’s back in the mode of “there are no immediate problems, therefore I need do nothing.” ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2014, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/resources-for-adults-who-dont-know-how-to-adult/706118/23 "2014-12-04T14:14:27Z")
> [@CandidGamera](#): > > See, that’s exactly the sort of thing I was looking for - though I am puzzled why some pages say ‘Adult Children Anonymous’ and others ‘Adult Children of Alcoholics’. Sadly, it looks like the nearest physical meeting would be 50 miles away. I think the two groups often meet together. It’s a much smaller org than AA, naturally. A quick search revealed this online forum he/you could try [http://www.12stepforums.net/acoa.html](http://www.12stepforums.net/acoa.html) I’ve never been there and don’t endorse it, just saying you might check it out. ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2014, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/resources-for-adults-who-dont-know-how-to-adult/706118/24 "2014-12-04T14:19:04Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > I think the two groups often meet together. It’s a much smaller org than AA, naturally. > > A quick search revealed this online forum he/you could try [http://www.12stepforums.net/acoa.html](http://www.12stepforums.net/acoa.html) > > I’ve never been there and don’t endorse it, just saying you might check it out. Next time he starts methodically listing his frustrations of the week to me without prompting, I’ll see if I can direct him that way. Sadly his internet access is limited to the public library and my house. ---
**Author:** ![Jophiel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jophiel/32/66_2.png) [@Jophiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jophiel)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2014, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/resources-for-adults-who-dont-know-how-to-adult/706118/25 "2014-12-04T14:29:19Z")
> [@GrandWino](#): > > Asperger’s isn’t even an officially recognized diagnosis anymore is it? I mean, I’m sure he’s on some kind of spectrum but it’s a wide spectrum. My understanding is that it isn’t recognized in the DSM V but it still is in the DSM IV. Different states have adopted different standards and not all recognize DSM V. What those standards are and how you’re diagnosed would play a big part in determining what services are available and what protections you have under insurance laws. But without a legitimate diagnosis, you get nothing. ---
**Author:** ![Napier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ce73a5/32.png) [@Napier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Napier)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2014, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/resources-for-adults-who-dont-know-how-to-adult/706118/26 "2014-12-04T21:51:59Z")
> [@peedin](#): > > I have no advice, but this is what my therapist calls a “failure to thrive adult.” I’m guessing some sort of therapy would be indicated so he can get an official diagnosis (self-diagnosing Asperger’s is just stupid) and social services if warranted. Could you say more about “failure to thrive adult” as your therapist means it? I got curious and looked online, and the first dozen or so references I found say this term means physical weakness and feebleness in typically elderly people, often precipitated by multiple chronic illnesses and the like. What is your therapist talking about more specifically? ---
**Author:** ![foolsguinea](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foolsguinea/32/14751_2.png) [@foolsguinea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/foolsguinea)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2014, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/resources-for-adults-who-dont-know-how-to-adult/706118/27 "2014-12-06T23:47:23Z")
I haven’t really looked at this, but coincidentally(?) I ran across this today: [http://howtogrowthefuckup.tumblr.com/](http://howtogrowthefuckup.tumblr.com/) ---
**Author:** ![HelenGawn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a88e4f/32.png) [@HelenGawn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HelenGawn)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2014, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/resources-for-adults-who-dont-know-how-to-adult/706118/28 "2014-12-07T19:53:40Z")
Given his life history as you’ve told it, he’s never had the opportunity to learn long-term living skills. Between caring for the grandparents since he had a teenager’s coping ability (make it go away for now) and having no role model, he’s actually done an amazing job of keeping things going so far. Hell, I was fifty years old when I started caring for my elderly father, and I was doing the same thing. Acknowledging that will give him an enormously improved self-image. The first thing he needs right now is understanding that he has the right to his own healthy, happy life. Getting serious help with the grandparents will be a major step; perhaps you could transfer your help to them so he has more breathing space to deal with other issues. The major factor that helped me through was that while I was putting Dad first, my sister did the same for me. That’s my usual advice for others in her situation: take care of the caregiver. Good luck to him and you. ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2014, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/resources-for-adults-who-dont-know-how-to-adult/706118/29 "2014-12-08T14:08:54Z")
> [@HelenGawn](#): > > Given his life history as you’ve told it, he’s never had the opportunity to learn long-term living skills. Between caring for the grandparents since he had a teenager’s coping ability (make it go away for now) and having no role model, he’s actually done an amazing job of keeping things going so far. Hell, I was fifty years old when I started caring for my elderly father, and I was doing the same thing. Acknowledging that will give him an enormously improved self-image. > > The first thing he needs right now is understanding that he has the right to his own healthy, happy life. Getting serious help with the grandparents will be a major step; perhaps you could transfer your help to them so he has more breathing space to deal with other issues. The major factor that helped me through was that while I was putting Dad first, my sister did the same for me. That’s my usual advice for others in her situation: take care of the caregiver. > > Good luck to him and you. Sorry, there seems to be a temporal misalignment - His grandmother died when he was in junior high, he took care of his ailing grandfather in high school. His grandparents have both been dead for more than fifteen years at this point. He has no one to take care of except himself, since his mother is institutionalized. I only mentioned the grandparents to give people an idea of his early life. ---
**Author:** ![Flywheel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/eb8c5e/32.png) [@Flywheel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flywheel)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2014, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/resources-for-adults-who-dont-know-how-to-adult/706118/30 "2014-12-08T14:33:18Z")
There’s the [Society of Grownups](https://www.societyofgrownups.com/). ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2014, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/resources-for-adults-who-dont-know-how-to-adult/706118/31 "2014-12-08T14:44:44Z")
> [@Flywheel](#): > > There’s the [Society of Grownups](https://www.societyofgrownups.com/). Smells like a scam, seems to be located in a particular city in Massachusetts, and even if it’s not a scam, costs money. ---
**Author:** ![SciFiSam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/47e85d/32.png) [@SciFiSam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SciFiSam)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2014, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/resources-for-adults-who-dont-know-how-to-adult/706118/32 "2014-12-08T14:49:31Z")
> [@CandidGamera](#): > > Sorry, there seems to be a temporal misalignment - His grandmother died when he was in junior high, he took care of his ailing grandfather in high school. His grandparents have both been dead for more than fifteen years at this point. He has no one to take care of except himself, since his mother is institutionalized. I only mentioned the grandparents to give people an idea of his early life. From this and the other stuff you’ve posted, he probably could apply for some sort of state assistance in the form of “will never get a regular job, but could do something, and will then still need some state assistance.” But getting him to apply for that assistance is the big thing. ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2014, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/resources-for-adults-who-dont-know-how-to-adult/706118/33 "2014-12-09T14:26:07Z")
> [@SciFiSam](#): > > From this and the other stuff you’ve posted, he probably could apply for some sort of state assistance in the form of “will never get a regular job, but could do something, and will then still need some state assistance.” > > But getting him to apply for that assistance is the big thing. I don’t think anything like that exists on the state level here. And he can hold down a job as long as nothing goes wrong. There always seems to be something that comes up that makes him demonstrably unreliable to his employer, or it’s a part-time customer service job that makes him miserable. He lost his previous job because his girlfriend (who worked at the same location) broke up with him and he would break down crying whenever he saw her (especially with her new boyfriend). He sought treatment for depression, and the anxiety caused by the otherwise horrible work environment (seriously, his office sounded like a bunch of gossipy, bitchy high schoolers), and then he had difficulty adjusting to the side effects of his medicines, ending up being regularly late for work or having to call in sick. His work cut him some slack because of the Family Medical Leave Act, I believe it was, but he ultimately exhausted all the leave to which he was entitled under that. He’d started to get on an even keel with the medicine and adjusting to the breakup after a year or so, but that’s when his employer had had enough and fired him. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/resources-for-adults-who-dont-know-how-to-adult/706118.md?page=1)