# Responding to spammers **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 19, 2005, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-spammers/313177 "2005-07-19T18:31:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![dwc1970](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a183cd/32.png) [@dwc1970](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dwc1970)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2005, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-spammers/313177/41 "2005-07-25T03:56:29Z")
**help me man p hopgwstfq zup mk** What do you need help with? Your typing skills, I would presume. **girls love sex** Coincidentally, most guys crave it, too; amazing, isn’t it? **Best mo rta g on the net** It’s probably the _only_ “mo rta g” on the net. Don’t accept imitations, I always say. Other offers have deceptively similar names. **Your own copy of XP for 63 dollars. blubber** If my name were “Blubber” I might take him up on this, but apparently this email was misdirected. **Dear Friend** Well, isn’t that nice! I have friends I didn’t even know about! **your application is qualified** I was awake all night wondering if it had been qualified or not. I’m so glad I can sleep peacefully once again. **Do You Play SmallCap Equities?** No, but I heard it beats Everquest hands down! **i finally found you** Well, goodie, goodie! I didn’t even know you were looking for me! ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2005, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-spammers/313177/42 "2005-07-25T14:31:36Z")
\*\*stupid Females tortured by monster cocks \*\* This one confuses me. What do they mean by ‘monster cocks’? Godzilla? Wolfman? That sort of thing? Japanese anime tentacocks? Or are we talking about giant roosters? And tortured how? Slapping them around with them? Poking them in their eyes with them? And why stupid Females? Are they afraid that an intelligent Female will look at them and say, 'Wait. You’re going to torture me with a big chicken? :dubious: ’ ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2005, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-spammers/313177/43 "2005-07-25T14:34:35Z")
**Innocent Prostituts in pervert action \*\* Prosti**tuts\*\*? I envision a first-time pharoah/hooker in drag, and a giant rooster. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2005, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-spammers/313177/44 "2005-07-25T15:00:50Z")
**Hair Transplant consultation for no cost.** This is like asking a barber if you need a haircut. ---
**Author:** ![pullin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c57346/32.png) [@pullin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pullin)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2005, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-spammers/313177/45 "2005-07-26T01:45:27Z")
Not spam exactly, but wonderful news. The biggest spammer in Russia was [brutally murdered](http://mosnews.com/news/2005/07/25/spammerdead.shtml) in his apartment. Hopefully, this is the beginning of a trend. ---
**Author:** ![lorinada](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/b5e925/32.png) [@lorinada](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lorinada)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2005, 2:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-spammers/313177/46 "2005-07-26T02:09:49Z")
Darling EarthLink user, ## This is an automated email notification sent to your registered email-address. Please do not reply to it as it will’t reach the just department. Recently there have been many reports of fraud activity regarding stolen account information and stolen identities. This requires a full update on your records matching our database information to suit the future prolongation of account billing. You will be prompted to provide full and complete information regarding your account with us just so you can identify your online personality. Please take several minutes to fill out the forms. Failure to update your online records will result in a halt of your account and a possible reactivation fee. Please Push here to refresh your billing data. Thanks for using Earthlink, Earthlink Manager. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2005, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-spammers/313177/47 "2005-07-26T14:16:22Z")
\*\*Best Erection Drugs ! motto \*\* Yes! I’ve been _looking_ for a motto for my coat of arms! ---
**Author:** ![the4thmooncat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ce7236/32.png) [@the4thmooncat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/the4thmooncat)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2005, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-spammers/313177/48 "2005-07-26T14:18:38Z")
**(email address that is not mine)@yahoo.com , your requested information Tue, 26 Jul 2005 01:24:00 -0800** And this was sent to me… why? \*\* Pottery Barn shopping spree Friend\*\* If you were really my friend, you would know I have no interest whatsoever in Pottery Barn. \*\* Envelope contains $10,000 Winner prize entry\*\* Which envelope would that be? The one my virtual mail comes in? \*\* Regular or Honey Nut, which Cheerios do you prefer?\*\* How about neither? \*\* Please Review:\*\* Why is there a colon there? Review what? \*\* Get the cash you need for overdue bills in less then 24 hours\*\* I don’t have any overdue bills. For that matter, I don’t have any bills. \*\* Get Serious about Sirius Satellite Radio\*\* I didn’t know we were in a relationship! ---
**Author:** ![Steve\_MB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steve_mb/32/5339_2.png) [@Steve\_MB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steve_MB)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2005, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-spammers/313177/49 "2005-07-26T15:17:48Z")
Spam is a terrorist communication channel. They started using it when they realized that it’s immune to traffic analysis (there’s no way to tell which of millions of recipients knows that “v!AgRa” means “execute Bombing Plan A tomorrow”, “Vi@G&a” means “your cell is compromised; execute emergency escape plan A”, etc). Now, if someone would convince the Feds of this, and get them moving on doing some serious anal-probing of business records (on pain of actually enforcing all the theft-of-service, fraud, etc laws that spammers break millions of times every day)… ---
**Author:** ![Mycroft\_Holmes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a5b964/32.png) [@Mycroft\_Holmes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mycroft_Holmes)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2005, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-spammers/313177/50 "2005-07-27T14:54:14Z")
> [@Steve MB](#): > > Spam is a terrorist communication channel. The spam I just got from [selwyn.sidney@wanadoo.fr](mailto:selwyn.sidney@wanadoo.fr) (I hope all the spambots find this!) must be a terrorist message. Here it is: > [@Selwyn](#): > > ## Why know thank. Trouble them sat her. Skin sign little, made. Many mother ask. Any exact develop, industry story big. Brought, hear stand bring, develop. Move day equate school, cause middle, were. Low name check find green. Kind, said, show on wait, sand. Drive children summer which. Child sign, in drive he straight food. While language an money region take came. > > Phone: 998-599-3858 > Mobile: 888-496-6998 > Email: [selwyn.sidney@wanadoo.fr](mailto:selwyn.sidney@wanadoo.fr) Either that, or it’s some really heavy beat poetry. Yeah, cat! \ … \ … \… dig it! ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2005, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-spammers/313177/51 "2005-07-27T15:09:43Z")
> [@Mycroft Holmes](#): > > (I hope all the spambots find this!) I don’t think SDMB posts are searchable from outside. Could be wrong, though. Anyway, that gives me an idea. Collect the e-mail addresses from all of the spam you receive, and list them on a website so that the spambots can collect them and spam them back. I wonder if anyone’s already doing this? The only drawback I see is that many spam have spoofed addresses from innocent people. ---
**Author:** ![Mycroft\_Holmes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a5b964/32.png) [@Mycroft\_Holmes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mycroft_Holmes)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2005, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-spammers/313177/52 "2005-07-27T15:23:38Z")
> [@Johnny L.A.](#): > > The only drawback I see is that many spam have spoofed addresses from innocent people. Yep, that’s why I checked the complete headers to make sure that [selwyn.sidney@wanadoo.fr](mailto:selwyn.sidney@wanadoo.fr) was the actual sender. It was displayed with a completely different sender (thus it was spoofed) in my email client. Maybe we should just scrap SMTP and POP completely and come up with completely new email standards that are actually designed with a modicum of security. When the email protocols were first developed nobody ever imagined spam would be invented, let alone adress spoofing and other tricks. ---
**Author:** ![MacTech](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MacTech](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacTech)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2005, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-spammers/313177/53 "2005-07-28T21:05:53Z")
\*\*On Jul 28, 2005, at 3:05 PM, Mark Akoko wrote: Beloved in christ, \*\* Sorry, you’ve got the wrong guy, i believe in the Almighty OG, Smasher of the Clueless \*\*Greetings in the wonderful name of our Lord Jesus! May the Lord?s favour and peace be multiplied to you, see Numbers 6:24-26; 2 Peter 1:2. \*\* you’re offending me with your constant hawking of that nice carpenter fellow, i much prefer the Gospel of Og, specifically passage 4:242-47; 6 Cthulu 6:6 "Yea and almighty Cthulu bespoke unto the mighty Og; “thou must takest up the Hammer Of Clue and Smite the brainless minions about the head until they worship thee and me, accursed are the heathens that send electronic mail glurge to the followers of Og, the fleas of the sand shall infest the heathens private parts from now unto eternity” "And Og Spake, saying ‘I can’t quite hear you, can you please speak into the microphone, Jerry, cut some treble out on the high end, test, test, is this thing on?’ " \*\* It is a priviledge to share this great testimony with you, to God be thy glory. I am Brother Mark Akoko, Happilly married to my wife with two children. During a prayer and fasting session in our church I asked God Almighty to direct me to an honest person that will use this Fund righteously to reach the needy, the less priviledge and lost souls. \*\* I tried this as well, unfortunately, i kept being routed into his voicemail, i think that He may be screening his calls… \*\* For the word of God says, “what shall it profit a man if he gains the whole world, and loss his soul”. The bible also says, “the blessing of God comes supernaturally and it is through Divine favour”. \*\* _Your_ god says this, don’t tell me what _MY_ god says… (incidentally he says "EE Ecky Thump, Ptang Ptang, zoopawal Ni Ni, just between you and me, i’m still trying to figure out it’s meaning, i think Omnipotence is going to His Head) \*\* The amount involved, is $6.5m US dollar (six million, five hundren US dollars) This said fund was aquired when I was in the world. Then, after given my life to God, I packaged and sealed the fund in a trunk box and deposited the trunk box that contained the fund with a Security Company, ready for delivery. Beloved, I will like you to immediately send me your particulars, full names, full address, private telephone and fax numbers to enable me procure the necessary documents covering the fund,making you the sole beneficiary of the fund. \*\* ahh, now we come to the purpose of this e-mail, a “Cash Advance” scam, also known as a “Nigerian 419” scam mail, nice try scammer, your pitiful attempt at getting my personal info for the purposes of identity theft and/or draining my bank account is destined to fail, incidentally, this was a really piss-poor attempt at a Nigerian 419 scam, i’ve crapped better ideas while sitting in my “reading room” on a scale of 1-10, i give your attempt at scamming me; Grammar; 7; not bad, not many misspellings and only a couple incidents of awkward sentence structure Heartstring-pulling; -20; you _really_ failed here, BIGTIME, as an Atheist, every time you invoked the name of the Magical Invisible Sky Pixie, it made me angrier and angrier, don’t try to force your cultish mind-control drek on me, scammer Creativity; 0; generic, bland begging for cash, what did you do, go look up other more well written scammails and cut-and-paste their sentences together? come to think of it, that _would_ explain the decent grammar and sentence structure, absolutely pathetic \*\* As soon as i receive your particulars, I will start up all the necessary process on how the funds will get to you. Be informed that as soon as this fund is in your possession, I shall join you in your country to see how the fund will be use \*\* nice try scammer, you won’t get _my_ particulars, why should i give any personal info to a scumbag who hides his identity behind spoofed I.P. addresses and e-mail addresses and refuses to show his face, let me ask you this, why don’t _YOU_ give me _your_ personal info, after all, if you an honest, God-Fearing man, you’ll have nothing to hide, right? oh, and what will the fund be used for? (assuming it even exists?), well, there are some really nice cars i’ve had my eye on, Dodge Vipers, Dodge Tomahawk, Porsche 911’s, etc, i’ve also wanted to have a nice performance motorcycle like a Yamaha V-Max, a nice custom-built Titanium road racing bicycle would be nice, i’d buy some expensive firearms to add to my collection (always wanted a Wildey .475, a Desert Eagle .45 ACP, a nice sporting clays over/under shotgun), basically, i’d use the money to buy meaningless material goods, and burn the rest in a bonfire, whilst dancing around the fire in my altogether… \*\* for the things that will glorify God. Awaiting your prompt response. Remain blessed. \*\* “Remain Blessed”?, but i didn’t sneeze, and please, in the name of Almighty Og, STOP hawking the name of the Invisible Sky Pixie \*\* Yours in Christ, \*\* \ Again with the Mystical Sky Pixie, you just don’t give it a rest do you… \*\* Mark Akoko. \*\* Gesundheit! oh, and by the way, i’ve forwarded this e-mail to the Federal Trade Commision, and your ISP, assuming your e-mail address of “[bennymark@msn.com](mailto:bennymark@msn.com)” is legitimate (which it probably isn’t) you’ll at the very least lose your e-mail account, you may also be investigated by the Federal Trade Commision, as they don’t take kindly to 419 Scammers ---
**Author:** ![MacTech](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MacTech](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacTech)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2005, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-spammers/313177/54 "2005-07-28T21:13:15Z")
> [@lorinada](#): > > Darling EarthLink user, > Please Push here to refresh your billing data. > > Thanks for using Earthlink, > Earthlink Manager. So, the Young Ones are writing spam now?, this explains a lot… “Darling fascist bully-boy give me more money, you bastard may the seed of your loins grow in the belly of your wo-man” ---
**Author:** ![ComeToTheDarkSideWeHaveCookies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e9bcb4/32.png) [@ComeToTheDarkSideWeHaveCookies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ComeToTheDarkSideWeHaveCookies)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2005, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-spammers/313177/55 "2005-07-29T02:57:30Z")
Please tell me I’m not the only Doper to be graced with spam for “The Extender”… The subject wasn’t worth mentioning, but the hyperlinked image of this thing attached to what was obviously a “realistic” dildo was too much of a trainwreck not to take a closer look. For the bargain basement price of $289.95 (including 60 FREE Spur-M Pills) you will receive a device containing a “base ring”, “telescoping bar”, “silicon band”, and a “moulded section” that can only be described as: > [@](#): > > The only method to easily enlarge your penis quickly without surgery or even seeing a Doctor. “The Extender” has taken natural penis enlargement to the privacy of the home adding both penis length and girth to your penis. It has also been medically proven to correct penile curvature. The way The-Extender works is to stretch the penis over time. The more you wear the device, the faster your gains. Some people can manage to wear it 5 hours a day while others only manage 2, its the total time that matters, not the interval length. Gains are reasonably fast, even at only 3hrs/day, with most users gaining over 1 inch in just 2 months." ---
**Author:** ![coffeecat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/coffeecat/32/3405_2.png) [@coffeecat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/coffeecat)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 12:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-spammers/313177/56 "2005-08-03T12:54:17Z")
> [@MacTech](#): > > _Your_ god says this, don’t tell me what _MY_ god says… > (incidentally he says "EE Ecky Thump, Ptang Ptang, zoopawal Ni Ni, just between you and me, i’m still trying to figure out it’s meaning, i think Omnipotence is going to His Head) That’s part of His _Revelation to the Bottlenose Dolphins of Offshore Florida_. Please go to the nearest beach to exchange it for the _First Epistle to the Dopers_. Sorry about the mixup. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2005, 1:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-spammers/313177/57 "2005-08-04T13:46:12Z")
**My cousin made 0,000$ from backgammon** That’s amazing! I only make zero dollars about 50% of the time when I gamble. ---
**Author:** ![MacTech](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MacTech](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacTech)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2005, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-spammers/313177/58 "2005-08-04T15:40:15Z")
On Aug 3, 2005, at 10:38 PM, taylor johnson wrote: DEAR SALE, GOOD DAY THIS IS TAYLOR, WE REPUTABLE COMPANY IN LENOIR,NORTH CAROLINA IN U.S.A, I WANT TO ORDER FOR SOME GOODS IN YOUR STORE I WILL LIKE TO KNOW YOUR SALE POLICY AND ALSO LET ME KNOW YOUR WEBSITE, KINDLY LET ME KNOW THE MAJOR OF CREDIT CARD YOU ACCEPTED, I LOOK FORWARD QUICK HEARING FROM YOU SO THAT I CAN FORWARD YOU THE PRODUCT WE ARE INTRESTED IN PURCHASE FROM YOU AS SOON AS I READ FROM YOU SOONEST TODAY, THANKS TAYLOR, Dear Scammer, there is nobody here by the name of Sale, perhaps you meant to speak to the SALES department? for a “REPUTABLE COMPANY”, you have a really piss-poor command of the English language, as well as a tendency to shout, perhaps you’d like to avail yourself of a little program called a “Spelling Checker”, as you certainly don’t come across as a “REPUTABLE COMPANY”, also, broken Pidgin-English is not the best way to solicit business in, it makes you look like a knuckle-dragging chimp who has just learned how to bang on the keyboard to make pretty shapes, does your mommy know you’re using her computer? …actually, i really shouldn’t call you a knuckle dragging Chimp, Chimps are intelligent and resourceful, you clearly are not, I don’t want to insult the Chimps… rather, it sounds like you’re a single person (not working for a company) who does not speak English as their primary language, let me guess, you’ve got some stolen credit card numbers that you’re itching to commit credit card fraud with, am i right? the fact that you’re using an msn e-mail address also is suspicious, msn, yahoo mail, gmail, and hotmail are also well known as scammer-freindly e-mail addresses, as they’re nothing but cheap, throwaway, free e-mail addresses that are easy to get and discard, these addresses set up an _instant_ “FRAUD!” red flag, no self-respecting retailer will sell to one of those addresses without investigating the address first there’s absolutely _NO_ chance you’ll get _any_ information about the products we sell, or our website address, you pathetic excuse for a scammer, stop wasting my time and bandwidth i do have one last request for you, however, could you please do the planet a favor and find the nearest convenient Cluestick, and bash yourself into unconciousness with it? thanks bite me, scammer \ ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-spammers/313177/59 "2005-08-05T13:55:11Z")
This isn’t a spam title, but the name of the sender: **Dismissal O. Suzy** No, _this_ is the dismissal o’ Suzy! 👢 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-spammers/313177.md?page=2)