# Responding to the polite "non-question" **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 21, 2013, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-the-polite-non-question/669384 "2013-09-21T15:22:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Brynda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e79b87/32.png) [@Brynda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brynda)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2013, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-the-polite-non-question/669384/21 "2013-09-22T03:48:20Z")
The smoking question is an interesting one, because it used to be something people couldn’t politely say no to without an explanation, but now (to me at least) it feels okay to say no, and almost rude to ask. The exception in my life is when I visit my husband’s grandparents. They smoke in the house, and when they ask if it bothers me, I lie and say no. ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2013, 7:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-the-polite-non-question/669384/22 "2013-09-22T07:07:16Z")
> [@Mangetout](#): > > A slightly more obnoxious/presumptuous form of this type of question that I’ve seen is: “You don’t mind if I [something], do you?”. “You don’t mind if I smoke, do you?”, when the asker already has a cigarette in his/her mouth, and is lighting a match, is not actually a question. It’s just a way of saying “I’m going to light up now, and if you object, you’re being rude.” ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2013, 7:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-the-polite-non-question/669384/23 "2013-09-22T07:18:32Z")
> [@Mangetout](#): > > A slightly more obnoxious/presumptuous form of this type of question that I’ve seen is: “You don’t mind if I [something], do you?”. “You don’t mind if I smoke, do you?”, when the asker already has a cigarette in his/her mouth, and is lighting a match, is not actually a question. It’s just a way of saying “I’m going to light up now, and if you object, you’re being rude.” ---
**Author:** ![DMark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@DMark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DMark)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2013, 7:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-the-polite-non-question/669384/24 "2013-09-22T07:34:57Z")
I just dislike the misuse of the language when asking and answering. “Do you mind if I borrow your car?” “Sure!” And then the first person takes the car and everyone is happy. If you had no problem with that person borrowing your car, the correct answer would have been “No.” as in, “No, I do not mind if you borrow my car.” But by answering, “Sure.” - it basically means “no”, as in “Sure I mind if you take my car and no way in hell am I giving you my car keys.” However, I hear this incorrect answer all the time - but hey, people seem to understand each other so I guess it doesn’t matter all that much in the grand scheme of things. ---
**Author:** ![Digital\_is\_the\_new\_Analog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a88e4f/32.png) [@Digital\_is\_the\_new\_Analog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Digital_is_the_new_Analog)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2013, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-the-polite-non-question/669384/25 "2013-09-22T13:27:50Z")
> [@Lynn\_Bodoni](#): > > “You don’t mind if I smoke, do you?”, when the asker already has a cigarette in his/her mouth, and is lighting a match, is not actually a question. It’s just a way of saying “I’m going to light up now, and if you object, you’re being rude.” This. It doesn’t come up in my experiences recently, but in the past, it was two categories of people. a) Those who pull out a cigarette and then ask the question ii) Those who ask before pulling out the cigarette The first type assume acceptance, and put the onus on me to ask them not to. The later is actually being polite and checking before acting. ---
**Author:** ![hkepotat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/edb3f5/32.png) [@hkepotat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hkepotat)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2013, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-the-polite-non-question/669384/26 "2013-09-22T14:02:29Z")
> [@Digital\_is\_the\_new\_Analog](#): > > This. It doesn’t come up in my experiences recently, but in the past, it was two categories of people. > a) Those who pull out a cigarette and then ask the question > ii) Those who ask before pulling out the cigarette > > The first type assume acceptance, and put the onus on me to ask them not to. The later is actually being polite and checking before acting. Not to defend too much, but it is also habit. A habitual smoker may be used to smoking in their own home, and without thinking about it, pull out a cig and start to light it. Only at this point do they break habit, realizing they are not in their home, and realize they should ask. I haven’t done this in a long time, but I have been guilty of it in the past. Better than just lighting up with no possibility for interruption. Not really defending the habit, as most tobacco habits aren’t exactly healthy, but it may well be that rather than intentional rudeness. The much more annoying “non-questions” I get are “Why don’t you…,” or “I don’t understand why…” or the hybrid, “I don’t understand why you don’t…” Those are not asking a question as to why something is, that is telling you to do or change something, and putting you in a position where you have to defend and explain if you don’t agree. “Why don’t you” actually means “you should”, “I don’t understand why…” means “as and intelligent and educated person, even I cannot fathom why…” and the one that makes me see red, “I don’t understand why you don’t…” implies that the speaker is smarter than you, and yet still can’t come up with a reason why you don’t do it their way. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2013, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-the-polite-non-question/669384/27 "2013-09-22T21:45:13Z")
> [@Mgalindo13](#): > > It’s not as if anyone is asking to defecate on your rug. The questions discussed so far have been like: > > \*I had to skip lunch today, would you mind if I eat during our meeting? > > While we’re on this walk around the block do you mind if I have a smoke?\* > > **OR** > > _That chicken you ordered looks delicious, would you mind if I tried a bite?_ > > How are these questions inappropriate? It depends on the circumstances; if my husband wanted to try a bite of my chicken, he doesn’t even need to ask. If a stranger wanted to try a bite of my chicken, it would be inappropriate for them to even ask me. I think there is some responsibility for people to think about what they’re asking and who they’re asking, not just put the onus on the other person to say no, because people don’t always feel free to say no when they really want to. ---
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2013, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-the-polite-non-question/669384/28 "2013-09-22T22:41:46Z")
Of course the number of people we are eating with who we are neither married to nor are complete strangers to us is a fairly large one … how should one gauge whether or not it is appropriate to ask? Could try the offer gambit … “Would you like a taste of my pasta?” … which accepted or declined, often evokes a commensurate offer to share in return and minimally sets out the standard that the relationship is one that sharing food is okay. Mind you if I have ordered something surprisingly tasty I’ll offer with no desire to have anything of anyone else’s plate. But will usually get offered a taste of theirs to decline. But the comment really does capture a lot of what is going on: these questions are often asked when the questioner _thinks_ the behavior will be okay but is not quite as sure of it as the husband above (who needs not ask and can just reach and take a taste). That small doubt requires that the behavior receive permission first but the doubt is so small that permission being withheld would shock and seem, without further explanation, trite and mean. ---
**Author:** ![Mgalindo13](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ea5d25/32.png) [@Mgalindo13](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mgalindo13)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2013, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-the-polite-non-question/669384/29 "2013-09-22T23:10:50Z")
> [@Lynn\_Bodoni](#): > > “You don’t mind if I smoke, do you?”, when the asker already has a cigarette in his/her mouth, and is lighting a match, is not actually a question. It’s just a way of saying “I’m going to light up now, and if you object, you’re being rude.” When has this happened in the last decade? Don’t know where you’re from, but it’s illegal to smoke just about anywhere indoors (except your own home) in the majority of populous US states. And I don’t know a single smoker who would presume to smoke in anyone else’s home, car or in any enclosed space for that matter. In fact, the people I know that do still smoke will step outside even when at home. > [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > It depends on the circumstances; if my husband wanted to try a bite of my chicken, he doesn’t even need to ask. If a stranger wanted to try a bite of my chicken, it would be inappropriate for them to even ask me. I think there is some responsibility for people to think about what they’re asking and who they’re asking, not just put the onus on the other person to say no, because people don’t always feel free to say no when they really want to. This is the very definition of a straw man argument. No one is asserting that it’s appropriate for a complete stranger to ask to taste your food. The OP specifically refers “social convention,” meaning we’re not talking about hobos on the subway wanting a bite of your bagel. ---
**Author:** ![JBDivmstr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b4bc9f/32.png) [@JBDivmstr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JBDivmstr)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2013, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-the-polite-non-question/669384/30 "2013-09-23T03:32:04Z")
> [@Digital\_is\_the\_new\_Analog](#): > > This. It doesn’t come up in my experiences recently, but in the past, it was two categories of people. > a) Those who pull out a cigarette and then ask the question > ii) Those who ask before pulling out the cigarette > > _ **The first type assume acceptance** _, and put the onus on me to ask them not to. The later is actually being polite and checking before acting. (bolding mine) Not necessarily true. :dubious: If they pull out a cigarette, light it up and _ **then** _ ask, then I would agree that they assumed (in a very rude fashion) acceptance. I was in a casino in Mississippi a couple of weeks ago, when I went to the bar there was only one seat open. The person on the left was already smoking, the guy on my right wasn’t. As I pulled the pack of smokes from my shirt pocket I asked the guy on my right if he minded if I smoked. His reply was “No, but could you hold it away from me?” Meaning, would I hold it in _ **my** _ left hand. Just because I had already pulled out the pack didn’t mean _‘I had assumed acceptance’_, I would have happily refrained from lighting one up if he had asked me not to. He thanked me for asking, and to my amusement, said that it was the first time anyone had ever inquired if he minded, and that he was surprised that I had even asked, especially since almost everyone else at the bar was already smoking. I attributed my behavior to being taught to be polite and ‘treat others as you wish to be treated’. 🆒 Behavior that is seriously lacking in the world, at large, IMHO. But I digress… ---
**Author:** ![Cub\_Mistress](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ea666f/32.png) [@Cub\_Mistress](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cub_Mistress)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2013, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-the-polite-non-question/669384/31 "2013-09-23T03:56:32Z")
Ah, smokers. I was a smoker for many years and have been a nonsmoker for 11 years now. I was recently at a party when the host asked if I minded if he smoked inside. As it was his house, I felt like it would be impolite of me to say no. That was my downfall, because as soon as the host lit up, so did a good 90% of the other party guests. ☹ next time, I will say yes, please go outside, as I am allergic to smoke! Many of my home health patients smoke, and while some of our nurses ask them not to smoke during nurse visits, I don’t. However, I have been known to spray my scrubs and hair with Febreze afterwards just so I don’t stink for the next patient. ---
**Author:** ![Mgalindo13](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ea5d25/32.png) [@Mgalindo13](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mgalindo13)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2013, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-the-polite-non-question/669384/32 "2013-09-23T16:28:23Z")
> [@Cub\_Mistress](#): > > I was recently at a party when the host asked if I minded if he smoked inside. As it was his house, I felt like it would be impolite of me to say no. That was my downfall, because as soon as the host lit up, so did a good 90% of the other party guests. Isn’t this another example of how someone feels in response to what could likely be a legitimate question? Do you honestly think he would have labeled you as rude had you asked him to step outside? > [@Cub\_Mistress](#): > > ☹ next time, I will say yes, please go outside, as I am allergic to smoke! You may want to avoid using that excuse considering cigarette smoke can’t actually cause an allergic reaction as it lacks any protein to cause an immune system response. ---
**Author:** ![Brynda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e79b87/32.png) [@Brynda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brynda)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2013, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-the-polite-non-question/669384/33 "2013-09-23T21:13:46Z")
**Mgalindo13** , I guess you and I have known different smokers. I can’t imagine the ones I have known being okay with me asking them to smoke outside or responding to “mind if I smoke in here?” iwth “yes, I do.” I can imagine them acting okay with it, but I would expect to never be invited back. ---
**Author:** ![Mgalindo13](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ea5d25/32.png) [@Mgalindo13](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mgalindo13)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2013, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-the-polite-non-question/669384/34 "2013-09-23T21:45:48Z")
> [@Brynda](#): > > **Mgalindo13** , I guess you and I have known different smokers. I can’t imagine the ones I have known being okay with me asking them to smoke outside or responding to “mind if I smoke in here?” iwth “yes, I do.” I can imagine them acting okay with it, but I would expect to never be invited back. This makes no sense. You said earlier in this same thread “now (to me at least) it feels okay to say no.” Somehow this has gotten to be more about smoking etiquette as opposed to the original question. I don’t think it’s about knowing “different smokers” as opposed to knowing different kinds of people. The people I associate with will ask genuine questions in search of an honest response and will respect the answer. Frankly, if you “expect never to be invited back” by someone you respond to politely, even in the negative, then do you really want to associate with that person anyway? There will always be jerks and people who defy social norms, but do you think all people who ask these questions are just trying to force their will upon you? By the way? What’s the alternative here? Should they read your mind to find out if they can smoke, bring food into a meeting or borrow your pen? ---
**Author:** ![The\_Second\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2013, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-the-polite-non-question/669384/35 "2013-09-23T21:48:05Z")
If I ask a question like “Do you mind if I use your bathroom?” or some such, I’m serious. Let me know if it ain’t cool. That is why I’m asking. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2013, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-the-polite-non-question/669384/36 "2013-09-23T22:19:05Z")
> [@SpoilerVirgin](#): > > **Lakai** has it. The way to respond to an etiquette request in the negative is to first apologize (since you will be inconveniencing the asker) and then give a reason Are they required to apologize and give a reason before asking the question? I mean, they’re going to be inconveniencing me, so by your logic they really ought to. Overall, I’m just having a hard time getting behind the notion that you have to have some logical, unassailable reason to say no to something or else it’s rude. If “I want to” or “I want you to” is a valid reason to ask for something, why isn’t “I don’t want to” or “I don’t want you to” a valid reason to refuse? ---
**Author:** ![SpoilerVirgin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4491bb/32.png) [@SpoilerVirgin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SpoilerVirgin)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2013, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-the-polite-non-question/669384/37 "2013-09-23T22:54:00Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > Are they required to apologize and give a reason before asking the question? I mean, they’re going to be inconveniencing me, so by your logic they really ought to. > > Overall, I’m just having a hard time getting behind the notion that you have to have some logical, unassailable reason to say no to something or else it’s rude. If “I want to” or “I want you to” is a valid reason to ask for something, why isn’t “I don’t want to” or “I don’t want you to” a valid reason to refuse? The OP asked how to respond politely to these questions (she was concerned that there was only one way to respond politely, and that was in the affirmative). “No” is a perfectly valid response to these questions, it’s just not a polite one. The question may or may not be rude depending on the context and the asker’s intention, but that doesn’t influence the politeness of the answer. “I don’t want to” is rude because it assumes that your needs are more important than the needs of the asker. Because the asker is asking, he or she is not making the assumption. ---
**Author:** ![Brynda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e79b87/32.png) [@Brynda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brynda)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2013, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-the-polite-non-question/669384/38 "2013-09-24T02:08:18Z")
**maglindo13** , the question I wouldn’t feel okay saying no to is when someone asks if I mind if they smoke in their own house. That was the situation I thought **CubMistress** was referring to. That’s consistent with what I said above about lying to my husband’s grandparents about their smoking in their house when I am there. My house, my car, my office–I have no problem saying I mind. **The Second Stone,** if it’s a real question, can I say “yes, I do mind”? IMHO, your “question” is a great example of my “non-question.” ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2013, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-the-polite-non-question/669384/39 "2013-09-24T04:08:39Z")
**Mgalindo** , I’ve decided that [this is going to be my go-to response when I get tired of arguing with someone online.](http://s1112.photobucket.com/user/animalsbeingdicks/media/abd-319.gif.html) 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Cub\_Mistress](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ea666f/32.png) [@Cub\_Mistress](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cub_Mistress)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2013, 12:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-the-polite-non-question/669384/40 "2013-09-24T12:03:58Z")
> [@Brynda](#): > > **maglindo13** , the question I wouldn’t feel okay saying no to is when someone asks if I mind if they smoke in their own house. That was the situation I thought **CubMistress** was referring to. That’s consistent with what I said above about lying to my husband’s grandparents about their smoking in their house when I am there. My house, my car, my office–I have no problem saying I mind. > > **The Second Stone,** if it’s a real question, can I say “yes, I do mind”? IMHO, your “question” is a great example of my “non-question.” Yes, I was referring to people asking me if I mind them smoking in their own house, it feels rude to say yes, I do mind. I don’t allow smoking in my house. As for the bathroom question I give you this classic [Sat on Cookie and the Repairman](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=324485) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-the-polite-non-question/669384.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/responding-to-the-polite-non-question/669384.md?page=3)