# Restarting relationships... why women seem hostile to the idea ? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 31, 2005, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/restarting-relationships-why-women-seem-hostile-to-the-idea/287523 "2005-01-31T03:05:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Rashak\_Mani](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ea666f/32.png) [@Rashak\_Mani](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rashak_Mani)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/restarting-relationships-why-women-seem-hostile-to-the-idea/287523/1 "2005-01-31T03:05:55Z")
Every once in a while we see ourselves or friends going back to former BF/GFs… but I seem to feel that women are much more negative about this happening than men. I got this from comments and the way these things are mentioned. ``` Why do women seem more negative about ex-BFs ? Why are they more prone to disbeleiving in ex-SO ? ``` What would attract a girl back to an old fling ? ---
**Author:** ![ultrafilter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/3d9bf3/32.png) [@ultrafilter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultrafilter)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/restarting-relationships-why-women-seem-hostile-to-the-idea/287523/2 "2005-01-31T03:08:05Z")
In most cultures, it’s easier for a woman to find a new mate than a man. I’d also expect that it depends on who initiated the breakup. If she dumped you in the first place, why would she want to get back together with you? ---
**Author:** ![Rashak\_Mani](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ea666f/32.png) [@Rashak\_Mani](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rashak_Mani)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/restarting-relationships-why-women-seem-hostile-to-the-idea/287523/3 "2005-01-31T03:17:22Z")
… but a man that did the “dumping” is more likely to go back ? ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Blue_Sky)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/restarting-relationships-why-women-seem-hostile-to-the-idea/287523/4 "2005-01-31T03:20:40Z")
> [@Rashak Mani](#): > > … but a man that did the “dumping” is more likely to go back ? Depends on the reason for dumping. Maybe he thought he could do better only to find out he couldn’t. ---
**Author:** ![Rashak\_Mani](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ea666f/32.png) [@Rashak\_Mani](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rashak_Mani)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/restarting-relationships-why-women-seem-hostile-to-the-idea/287523/5 "2005-01-31T03:21:53Z")
hhmm… without going into “reasons” for dumping. - Are women more skittish about going back or not ? Why or why not ? ---
**Author:** ![Triss](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Triss](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Triss)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/restarting-relationships-why-women-seem-hostile-to-the-idea/287523/6 "2005-01-31T03:22:45Z")
Yeah it depends on what happened. In at least some cases, I’d think it’s a “been there, done that” thing. Maybe she knows what she’s in for and doubts that anything has changed. ---
**Author:** ![ultrafilter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/3d9bf3/32.png) [@ultrafilter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultrafilter)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/restarting-relationships-why-women-seem-hostile-to-the-idea/287523/7 "2005-01-31T03:27:23Z")
> [@Rashak Mani](#): > > … but a man that did the “dumping” is more likely to go back ? Not necessarily, but he will probably find his ex more receptive to the idea than if she dumped him. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 8:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/restarting-relationships-why-women-seem-hostile-to-the-idea/287523/8 "2005-01-31T08:00:00Z")
As a very, very general thing, there was a reason things didn’t work out the first time, and unless that factor has changed, it’s not all that likely to work out the second time around. The guy you dumped because he was lazy and boring is probably still lazy and boring. The guy who dumped you because he thought he could do better is probably going to dump you again as soon as he thinks he can do better again. The guy you dumped because you thought you could do better is likewise probably out the door the second something better comes along. Unless something has changed, there’s just not much point. It’s a lunatic who keeps doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Lioness](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a87d85/32.png) [@Little\_Lioness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Lioness)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 12:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/restarting-relationships-why-women-seem-hostile-to-the-idea/287523/9 "2005-01-31T12:52:14Z")
This might sound cynical, but I wonder if it’s that the breakup forever ruins the whole “soulmates, happily ever after, meant for each other, you complete me” fantasy. Also, if a woman’s friends have already helped her through one breakup with a certain guy, they’re going to be very hostile to any idea of the two getting back together. Especially if they spent the last few months calling him all sorts of names and now have to be civil to him. Maybe the best way to restart the relationship would be to ask her best friend(s) for advice and help in planning some grand romantic gesture involving roses, candles, ballons, dancing, etc.? Not doves though, please. ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 1:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/restarting-relationships-why-women-seem-hostile-to-the-idea/287523/10 "2005-01-31T13:02:39Z")
Sometimes Life can get in the way. Like someone’s parent dies and they get so unhinged that they can’t deal with stuff, the relationship implodes. A year or two later, they’ve got their act together and hey, the ex is available and you can work things out. Or you’re engaged and the pressure of marriage and family bein gpushy makes someone snap and you break up. But after several months things cool down. You get back together. Or something like that. Sometimes it can work out for the best, but I think that tends to be rare. The best advice I ever got was “You can have an earth shattering fight and break up, and get back togther _once_. Then if you break up again, _don’t_ take them back – 'cause it’s the start of a pattern.” ---
**Author:** ![calm\_kiwi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9fc348/32.png) [@calm\_kiwi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/calm_kiwi)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/restarting-relationships-why-women-seem-hostile-to-the-idea/287523/11 "2005-01-31T13:37:48Z")
I believe, against popualar mythology, that men are essentiantly more interested in being attached then women are. Women often meet someone and see/want a relationship before a man does. But once a relationship is established men seem to find it harder to let go. Men seem to find endings more painful and they are more likely to live in hope of reunion. A woman will cry buckets and move on. A man will hope for reunion. Or maybe this is JUST my own experience speaking…OH yeah IMHO. ---
**Author:** ![Q.N.Jones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/3da27b/32.png) [@Q.N.Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.N.Jones)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 1:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/restarting-relationships-why-women-seem-hostile-to-the-idea/287523/12 "2005-01-31T13:46:27Z")
In my experience, when the question of getting back together after a breakup comes up… Women are more practical. They tend to remember that the problems that broke them up will still be there when they get back together. They only want to get back if 1) there’s some guarantee of change, and/or 2) if the guy promises marriage. Men are thinking only about the positives of getting back together. Namely, regular sex, someone to hang out with, and maybe someone to do the laundry and cook. They only broke up in the first place because 1) they were moving on to someone else, or 2) the woman insisted. Of course, this is based only on my experience. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/restarting-relationships-why-women-seem-hostile-to-the-idea/287523/13 "2005-01-31T17:41:37Z")
> [@Q.N. Jones](#): > > Women are more practical. They tend to remember that the problems that broke them up will still be there when they get back together. They only want to get back if 1) there’s some guarantee of change, and/or 2) if the guy promises marriage. Number 2 would be of interest only if that was THE change you wanted. So it’s actually a part of number 1. Women tend to be more long-term thinkers, both ahead and back. And often when we fall out of love it’s completely sudden: one day something happens and you look at this guy who has just done whateveritis and find yourself thinking “oh my GAWD, I’ve put up with this ass for how long?” It is also a fall all the way down. If you’ve fallen that far out of love, the relationship would not so much need to be “fixed” as rebuilt. It isn’t “getting back with this person I’ve known for so long”, it’s “getting a new relationship with this person I don’t know as well as I thought I did.” ---
**Author:** ![elmwood](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/elmwood/32/3060_2.png) [@elmwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elmwood)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/restarting-relationships-why-women-seem-hostile-to-the-idea/287523/14 "2005-01-31T18:31:57Z")
That’s certainly not the case in my experience. I lost count of the number of times I had a great first date with a woman, only to be told later on there wouldn’t be a second because she was making up with her ex-boyfriend. I try to stay friends with my former girlfriends, but there’s only one I would consider dating again. She lives about 2,000 miles away, happily married to a great guy, and has two children, so a reunion is unlikely. ---
**Author:** ![Q.N.Jones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/3da27b/32.png) [@Q.N.Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.N.Jones)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/restarting-relationships-why-women-seem-hostile-to-the-idea/287523/15 "2005-01-31T21:40:43Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > Number 2 would be of interest only if that was THE change you wanted. So it’s actually a part of number 1. Umm…says you. 🙂 In my experience, women are often distracted from the practical problems in a relationship if the man comes back and declares, “But I want us to get married!” A lot of women have this idea that they HAVE to get married, and that getting married is always a positive thing, even if there are problems in a relationship. They start thinking about a big white wedding and babies and forget the practical stuff. Or they think that a desire to get married means he’s implicitly promising to change. Does this paint an unflattering picture of women? Yup. Wish I hadn’t seen it so many times, but I have. ---
**Author:** ![Girl\_From\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/3da27b/32.png) [@Girl\_From\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Girl_From_Mars)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/restarting-relationships-why-women-seem-hostile-to-the-idea/287523/16 "2005-01-31T21:44:51Z")
I think regardless of who did the dumping, women are in general better at getting over a relationship than men. They talk about it with friends more, which allows them to grieve for the failed relationship, and then move on. This may make them less likely to wish to go back, even if they were dumped. And, and this is a generalisation, as part of the grieving process they probably analyse the relationship to hell, which makes them more aware of the negative aspects of it. But I have to say I have not noticed this trend too much myself, just my assuptions. ---
**Author:** ![Q.N.Jones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/3da27b/32.png) [@Q.N.Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.N.Jones)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/restarting-relationships-why-women-seem-hostile-to-the-idea/287523/17 "2005-01-31T21:58:44Z")
P.S.–My best friend and her husband are an excellent example of what I’m talking about. They broke up once a year for nine years–always over the same issues. Finally, my friend got it into her head that she could actually date other people and be happy without her now-husband. Now-husband realized that he had lost the best woman he would ever have the chance to be with. But he also didn’t want to change the things that were bothering my friend. So he went back to her and said, “I think we should get married.” This solved his only complaint, which was that she wouldn’t have sex with him before marriage. (Yes, he quite foolishly told me his motivations in a private discussion.) She was so excited that he proposed and wanted to get married that she “forgot” about her longstanding complaints about now-husband. Even when I tried to sit her down and have a conversation about the still-outstanding problems, her thoughts were firmly fixed on visions of her wedding. (And she’s not a dipstick, either–she’s a Ph.D. candidate and otherwise a very independent person.) Some women are powerfully programmed by their families to believe that getting married is of paramount importance. The chance to get married trumps all logic for them. That was certainly the case with my best friend and several other women I know. The problems between my friend and her husband cropped up again after they were married. Fortunately, they realized that they should work it and have resolved some of them. Most of the other women I’m thinking of simply tolerate the problems that they “forgot” about after their former ex proposed. ---
**Author:** ![Ponder\_Stibbons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponder_stibbons/32/343_2.png) [@Ponder\_Stibbons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponder_Stibbons)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/restarting-relationships-why-women-seem-hostile-to-the-idea/287523/18 "2005-01-31T22:08:24Z")
> [@Girl From Mars](#): > > … women are … better … than men… I think that pretty well sums it up. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Sengkelat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@Sengkelat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sengkelat)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/restarting-relationships-why-women-seem-hostile-to-the-idea/287523/19 "2005-01-31T22:14:46Z")
Men want to get laid. If they get back together with an old girlfriend, even if things don’t work out, they’ve gotten something out of it. I think the ex-girlfriend is generally not too keen on this idea. This is not to say that women hate sex, but in general the guys are the the ones looking for some action. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Devil_s_Grandmother)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/restarting-relationships-why-women-seem-hostile-to-the-idea/287523/20 "2005-01-31T22:20:23Z")
Women also complain to their girlfriends, so it’s harder to get back together with someone if you know you’re going to have to answer questions like, “Is he still doing that weird thing with his hands?” [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/restarting-relationships-why-women-seem-hostile-to-the-idea/287523.md?page=2)