# Revenge of the Toxic Relative **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 31, 2012, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/revenge-of-the-toxic-relative/611272 "2012-01-31T04:10:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 8\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2012, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/revenge-of-the-toxic-relative/611272/21 "2012-01-31T19:23:01Z")
Your toxic relative is trying way too hard to bother you - that means that you’ve won and you can completely disregard her. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Kimmy\_Gibbler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Kimmy\_Gibbler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimmy_Gibbler)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2012, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/revenge-of-the-toxic-relative/611272/22 "2012-01-31T19:30:27Z")
I would call up the local radio station in her town (let’s call it “KIIS-FM”) and dedicate Brit Brit’s “Toxic” to her. Then get a third party to tell her “Oh hey, did you know your name was chosen in a drawing for [some prize] on KIIS-FM … but you have to listen for a song dedicated to you today!” Then when she hears it, you will have delivered the sickest of burns. You’re welcome. ---
**Author:** ![NinetyWt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@NinetyWt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinetyWt)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2012, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/revenge-of-the-toxic-relative/611272/23 "2012-01-31T22:00:53Z")
> [@Toucanna](#): > > Emotions are anger, fear, happiness. Feelings are what we tell ourselves about how to respond to emotions. That’s very interesting, I’ve never heard that explanation. It seems to me that what you’re describing as “feelings” are thoughts. I was definitely thinking of what you’re calling “emotions” when **elbows** said “feelings”. I thought the words were interchangeable. ---
**Author:** ![phouka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c5a1d2/32.png) [@phouka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phouka)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2012, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/revenge-of-the-toxic-relative/611272/24 "2012-01-31T22:30:22Z")
"Hey 3rd Party Friend, I’m sorry Toxic Relative bugged you. I prefer that she not have any route to contact me, so feel free to tell her you have no idea who I am, that I died in a tragic dirigible accident last year, or that I’m a cold, unfeeling bastard who laughs while setting fire to kittens and told you I’d gut you with commemorative Statuette of Liberty if you ever spoke her name again. Whatever works for you. If she bugs you again, take whatever action you feel is appropriate, just don’t forward her communication on to me. I will bribe you with cookies/books/a TARDIS of your very own/the death of someone close to you. Thanks and much love, Count Blucher" ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2012, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/revenge-of-the-toxic-relative/611272/25 "2012-01-31T22:48:23Z")
> [@Toucanna](#): > > Many people use the words “emotions” and “feelings” interchangeably. There is a difference. Emotions are anger, fear, happiness. Feelings are what we tell ourselves about how to respond to emotions. For example, “I have been provoked and am angry and must retaliate to prevent further attacks.” vs. “I have been provoked and am angry but a non-violent response to the provocation is ultimately in my best interest.” > > Personal example: I am walking on a sidewalk, but not looking where I am going. The sidewalk has cracked and shifted due to ground subsidence. I trip over the crack. The emotion I feel as I stumble is fear: “I’m falling! I might get hurt!” I regain my balance and don’t fall. My feeling is relief: “Whew! That was close!” Then I laugh at myself and say, “Have a nice trip! See you next fall!” > > My [toxic relative] is walking on the same sidewalk and also not looking where she is going. She trips over the same crack. She also feels fear as she stumbles. She regains her balance and her feeling is resentment: “Why did that crack have to be there and make me almost hurt myself? Why is the universe mean to me?” > > She cannot control her emotional response, as fear is the instinctual reaction when something potentially harmful occurs to us. But she can control her feelings if she makes the choice to look at the situation as a minor moment of inconvenience, rather than an example of the universe conspiring to make her life a living hell. > > In the OP’s case, ignoring the toxic relative’s provocation is, IMO, the best response, as any response gives the provoker an opening to escalate the aggression. I wish you peace, and may your toxic relative get a life. While there may be some therapeutic value in making a situational distinction between feelings and emotions I think your classifications are something of a stretch. A feeling is simply the [“conscious subjective experience of emotion”.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feeling). Making a “choice” about the feeling that arises from an emotion implies some level of intellectual distance, or an ability to separate the two that I do not think exists except on the therapist’s couch or in personal attempts to maintain self control. In real life experiencing an emotion and the “feeling” it generates is largely a seamless phenomenological process that is almost impossible to break apart. ---
**Author:** ![kayT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayt/32/3633_2.png) [@kayT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayT)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2012, 1:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/revenge-of-the-toxic-relative/611272/26 "2012-02-01T01:46:51Z")
> [@phouka](#): > > "Hey 3rd Party Friend, > > I’m sorry Toxic Relative bugged you. I prefer that she not have any route to contact me, so feel free to tell her you have no idea who I am, that I died in a tragic dirigible accident last year, or that I’m a cold, unfeeling bastard who laughs while setting fire to kittens and told you I’d gut you with commemorative Statuette of Liberty if you ever spoke her name again. Whatever works for you. > > If she bugs you again, take whatever action you feel is appropriate, just don’t forward her communication on to me. I will bribe you with cookies/books/a TARDIS of your very own/the death of someone close to you. > > Thanks and much love, > Count Blucher" I vote for this approach. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2012, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/revenge-of-the-toxic-relative/611272/27 "2012-02-01T03:38:40Z")
> [@](#): > > Brit Brit’s What are you a thirteen year old girl? Sorry but you’ve ruined it for all time now, your words will always ring in the voice of a valley girl, in my head. I hope you’re happy! Seriously, I almost spewed on my computer, I just, I guess, always pictured you as something other than a valley girl. Good one, you got me! Thanks for the great giggle! ---
**Author:** ![Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carol_the_Impaler)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2012, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/revenge-of-the-toxic-relative/611272/28 "2012-02-01T21:08:14Z")
> [@Count\_Blucher](#): > > Some of the siblings I grew up with just seem to know the pass-code to make me feel / act angry & 12. I’m glad its just me; I wouldn’t wish that on anybody. I’m sorry you have to deal with this kind of behavior. There’s lots of good advice in this thread so far, but let me also extend my sympathy. You are definitely not alone in having to deal with this kind of ridiculous, childish provocation. It’s not ok, and I can totally understand where it would cause you to be angry/frustrated/annoyed/flip your lid, whatever. It is also important, I think, to point out that you don’t deserve to be treated this way and that your sib’s behavior is entirely their responsibility. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/revenge-of-the-toxic-relative/611272.md?page=1)