# Review a film you've never seen. **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [March 7, 2005, 12:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/review-a-film-youve-never-seen/293343 "2005-03-07T12:57:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![roger\_thornhill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d9b06d/32.png) [@roger\_thornhill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/roger_thornhill)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2005, 12:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/review-a-film-youve-never-seen/293343/1 "2005-03-07T12:57:14Z")
Good or bad, but it’s got to be a review of a film you’ve never seen. Like this: Hitchcock’s _Lifeboat_ foreshadows his later work while providing a retrospective of his earlier English oeuvre. Made while Britain was on the brink of global conflict and the director was on the cusp of greatness, this a film whose which tantalises and deceives simultaneously. Superficially an early exemplar of the crossover genre between action and thriller, this motion picture works at a deeper level to ask questions that go to the heart of the human condition. Cast adrift on the ocean of uncertainty and illusion, should the be seen as a _deus ex machina_, or as a symbol of repression in a Europe in the grip of incipient totalitarianism? Not the master’s greatest offering, but an invaluable insight into the mind of a true cinematic genius. ---
**Author:** ![roger\_thornhill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d9b06d/32.png) [@roger\_thornhill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/roger_thornhill)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2005, 12:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/review-a-film-youve-never-seen/293343/2 "2005-03-07T12:57:44Z")
Good or bad, but it’s got to be a review of a film you’ve never seen. Like this: Hitchcock’s _Lifeboat_ foreshadows his later work while providing a retrospective of his earlier English oeuvre. Made while Britain was on the brink of global conflict and the director was on the cusp of greatness, this a film whose which tantalises and deceives simultaneously. Superficially an early exemplar of the crossover genre between action and thriller, this motion picture works at a deeper level to ask questions that go to the heart of the human condition. Cast adrift on the ocean of uncertainty and illusion, should _Lieboat_ be seen as a _deus ex machina_, or as a symbol of repression in a Europe in the grip of incipient totalitarianism? Not the master’s greatest offering, but an invaluable insight into the mind of a true cinematic genius. ---
**Author:** ![roger\_thornhill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d9b06d/32.png) [@roger\_thornhill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/roger_thornhill)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2005, 12:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/review-a-film-youve-never-seen/293343/3 "2005-03-07T12:59:55Z")
_Lieboat_, _Lifeboat_ - what the heck. But this is the place to add your gems. ---
**Author:** ![owlstretchingtime](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/958977/32.png) [@owlstretchingtime](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/owlstretchingtime)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2005, 1:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/review-a-film-youve-never-seen/293343/4 "2005-03-07T13:11:31Z")
_Dude, Where’s My Car?_ Can be seen as the missing link between the European Auteur school of film making and it’s Hollywood Studio-system counterpart. Part art house project, part blockbuster, it has a foot in both camps whilst still holding onto it’s fundamental counter culture values, so beloved of the Sundance festival set. Offering a distopian view of teenage angst in a post industrial world, it takes as it’s main theme the “Grail Quest” of European legend. Our proud knights embark on a heroic quest to find the mythical, and totemic “car” despite their obvious drawbacks as traditional heroes. In an almost perfect reversal of traditional classical tragedic structure, catharsis, nemesis, hubris and hermatia are all visited on our protagonists in direct relationship to the proximity of their grail - the car. This is not the only dramatic theme that is subverted. The concept of deus ex machina is thoroughly explored through the medium of the “car park” which doubles for the Elysian Fields of classical myth. In short this is a film that repays many viewings at a variety of intellectual levels. The word “masterpiece” is an overused trope, but in _Dude, Where’s My Car?_ it finds a righful home. ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2005, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/review-a-film-youve-never-seen/293343/5 "2005-03-07T13:52:55Z")
_Police Academy 4_, much to the surprise of many critics, is a solemn masterpiece, evoking the genius of Bergman, Fellini and Truffaut. Shot in simple black and white and with minimal dialogue, Jim Drake coaxes a masterful performance from the veteran Steven Guttenberg. Bubba Smith is Guttenberg’s counterweight in this film, adding just the right degree of pathos, whilst Michael Winslow adds a few moments of joyous comic relief. Comedy might seem out of place in a film in the _Police Academy_ series, but the deft light touch Winslow shows here is important to lend an emotional outlet to the films otherwise weighty subject matter. On the way out of the showing I was not surprised to see more than a few red-rimmed eyes. My viewing partner and I later discussed the film’s symbolism and stark message over cappuccino. Will Guttenberg finally receive his richly deserved Oscar for this masterpiece? Only time will tell, but one thing is for sure: _Police Academy 4_ will become an instant classic. ---
**Author:** ![Askia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/96bed5/32.png) [@Askia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askia)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2005, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/review-a-film-youve-never-seen/293343/6 "2005-03-07T15:28:47Z")
Halle Berry’s CATWOMAN is another eye-opening, double-barreled, gripping and revealing performance in which the Oscar-winning actress continues to defy American convention and the good advice of well paid managers to embrace roles that provide screenspace to display her outstanding oeuvre. Berry brings her considerable assets to the forefront… blah blah blah blah. I don’t have time to sit here and pretend I watched this. Here are words that describe the best parts of this film: Perky. Bulbous. Pliable. Caramel sticky. Tender. Orgasmic areolas. Taut and firmly massaged. Mouthwatering. Ripped. Jiggling. Welcoming. Warm. You must know what I’m getting at. Tongued, fingered, cupped, stroked, palmed, suckled, kneaded, hard-pressed. Stomach-sliding, legs-entangling, thrusting, churning, grinding, pulling, pushing, yanking, ticking, teasing… Oh, teeth. Nice. Bobbing, bobbing, bobbing, bobbing…fasterfasterfaster… OH GOD. Spit. You know, I had my doubts about working from home but this is turning out swell. ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2005, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/review-a-film-youve-never-seen/293343/7 "2005-03-07T15:54:12Z")
I think everyone should see _Son of the Mask_. It is about ninety minutes. I have seen other films that were about ninety minutes, some were very good. ---
**Author:** ![Rufus\_Xavier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eada6e/32.png) [@Rufus\_Xavier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rufus_Xavier)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2005, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/review-a-film-youve-never-seen/293343/8 "2005-03-07T16:06:32Z")
_Road House_ (1989) is a movie with Patrick Swayze. I think he plays a bouncer at a, well, a road house, for lack of a better term. I guess that’s a kind of a bar or a nightclub or something. I assume there’s a fair amount of violence in this movie. It’s rated R. Here’s a sample of dialogue (courtesy of the IMDB): Doc: Do you always carry your medical record around with you? Dalton: Saves time. I think most people decided they didn’t want to see this movie, and they probably had a pretty good reason not to. 2 stars. ---
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2005, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/review-a-film-youve-never-seen/293343/9 "2005-03-07T16:23:43Z")
_The Pacifier_, with Vin (ordinaire) Diesel, is a flaccid remake of _Kindergarten Cop,_ with Arnold Schwartzenegger. Both films present a parody tough guy as a fish-out-of-water among overly cute children. Fold in a generous dollop of poop and vomit humor, and top with a warm, fuzzy ending. Do yourself a favor. For more fun, stay home and clean out the garage. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2005, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/review-a-film-youve-never-seen/293343/10 "2005-03-07T16:31:18Z")
_Police Academy 6_ definitely stays in touch with all its prequels. It is neither the worst or the best of the _Police Academy_ movies, but rides a middle ground between the two. There are some familiar characters and some added new ones. Some of the plot is similar to the previous movies, but there are some added twists. If you a fan of the genre, you will appreciate this movie. It can also be recommended to anyone interested in getting some knowledge on the series. ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2005, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/review-a-film-youve-never-seen/293343/11 "2005-03-07T16:36:49Z")
**The Matrix** stars Keanu Reeves and, for that reason alone, should never have been made. ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2005, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/review-a-film-youve-never-seen/293343/12 "2005-03-07T16:38:52Z")
> [@Askia](#): > > Halle Berry’s CATWOMAN is another eye-opening, double-barreled, gripping and revealing performance in which the Oscar-winning actress continues to defy American convention and the good advice of well paid managers to embrace roles that provide screenspace to display her outstanding oeuvre. Berry brings her considerable assets to the forefront… blah blah blah blah. I don’t have time to sit here and pretend I watched this. Here are words that describe the best parts of this film: Perky. Bulbous. Pliable. Caramel sticky. Tender. Orgasmic areolas. Taut and firmly massaged. Mouthwatering. Ripped. Jiggling. Welcoming. Warm. You must know what I’m getting at. Tongued, fingered, cupped, stroked, palmed, suckled, kneaded, hard-pressed. Stomach-sliding, legs-entangling, thrusting, churning, grinding, pulling, pushing, yanking, ticking, teasing… Oh, teeth. Nice. Bobbing, bobbing, bobbing, bobbing…fasterfasterfaster… OH GOD. Spit. > > You know, I had my doubts about working from home but this is turning out swell. You know, I can’t help but envision Gene Shalit or Tom Shales doing this and I can’t decide which is more sickening. Thanks. ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2005, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/review-a-film-youve-never-seen/293343/13 "2005-03-07T16:40:40Z")
Se7en is a charming, educational flick - the Sesame Street Count would be pleased to see kids get education about mathematics by big-name talent like Kevin Spacey and Morgan Freeman. Wait, what? It’s about… no, that can’t be… Oh. Oh my God! ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2005, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/review-a-film-youve-never-seen/293343/14 "2005-03-07T16:45:57Z")
> [@CandidGamera](#): > > Se7en is a charming, educational flick - the Sesame Street Count would be pleased to see kids get education about mathematics by big-name talent like Kevin Spacey and Morgan Freeman. > > Wait, what? It’s about… no, that can’t be… Oh. Oh my God! Hey, that movie might have been a little more upbeat with the Count in the Brad Pitt role: “Ha ha, six murders! I count six!” ---
**Author:** ![Jet\_Jaguar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jet_jaguar/32/3562_2.png) [@Jet\_Jaguar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jet_Jaguar)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2005, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/review-a-film-youve-never-seen/293343/15 "2005-03-07T19:35:51Z")
**Face/Off** is a heartwarming family movie starring Nicholas Cage as a washed-up former professional hockey player who takes on the job of coach for a junior league hockey team made up of a ragtag bunch of misfit kids with little hockey talent at all. John Travolta stars as an evil businessman who has bought the kid’s home skating rink and threatens to shut it down unless they can win the city championship. The film follows the development of the characters as the team comes together and rise to the challenges it faces, and along the way learn a little bit about themselves in the process. From the goalie who is afraid of the puck to the troubled star center who wants to quit, it is easy for the audience to identify with and care about the players. The final result is an amusing little film that while by no means would contend for an Oscar, has something for the entire family. ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2005, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/review-a-film-youve-never-seen/293343/16 "2005-03-07T19:52:24Z")
**Pink Flamingos** had the misfortune to come out the same year as **The Godfather** and thus be robbed by the big studio juggernaut that made Puzo’s soap opera a regrettable classic while relegating the true masterpiece to midnight showings on college campuses. The inimitable _Divine_, who provided the John the Baptist to herald (if not make rolling flesh) the coming of Antonio “Huggy Bear” Fargus’s “I’m more man than you’ll ever be and more woman than you’ll ever have” riposte, gives a performance of such understated nuance that it is at times difficult to believe she is acting, who reveals her love of her son and her mother in ways that no Corleone would ever be able to express. Mink Stole, in a rare non-glamorous turn, provides the dark and cold Ahriman to the flaming grandeur of Divine’s Ahura Mazda, each stepping upon the cogs that turn the wheels of modern civilizations in its never ending roll to reach its chiliastic domination and return us as a society to “the egg” that Edith Massey’s primordial mother deity holds before the temple of her restored to nature progeny. See this movie (and remember: no 300 lb. drag queen ever sent Sasheen Littlefeather to decline an award). ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2005, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/review-a-film-youve-never-seen/293343/17 "2005-03-07T19:58:54Z")
[The Bourne Identity](http://www.musicman.com/00pic/bourne.html) is a movie. It stars Matt Damon playing the character of Jason Bourne. In the movie, Bourne has many experiences including climbing up the side of a building, fighting with somebody, walking down the street, and kissing a woman. There is probably also somebody trying to shoot him and maybe something involving a fingerprint. There are other people in the movie but they didn’t get their names printed in big letters. ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2005, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/review-a-film-youve-never-seen/293343/18 "2005-03-07T20:02:51Z")
In **Left Behind** Kirk Cameron casts off the mantle of former child star while not unfortunately emerging naked. He instead takes his place alongside Marlon Brando and Max Baer Jr. in the role of serious artist, succeeding in bringing to evangelical Christians everywhere the same degree of exposure and positive portrayal that Johnny Weismuller’s Tarzan movies brought to Africans. ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2005, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/review-a-film-youve-never-seen/293343/19 "2005-03-07T20:03:30Z")
> [@Sampiro](#): > > (and remember: no 300 lb. drag queen ever sent Sasheen Littlefeather to decline an award). Brando hasn’t been dead very long, we may still be due some interesting revelations about his personal life… ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2005, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/review-a-film-youve-never-seen/293343/20 "2005-03-07T20:07:26Z")
> [@](#): > > I don’t have time to sit here and pretend I watched this. Here are words that describe the best parts of this film: Perky. Bulbous. Pliable. Caramel sticky. Tender. Orgasmic areolas. Taut and firmly massaged. Mouthwatering. Ripped. Jiggling. Welcoming. Warm. You must know what I’m getting at. Tongued, fingered, cupped, stroked, palmed, suckled, kneaded, hard-pressed. Stomach-sliding, legs-entangling, thrusting, churning, grinding, pulling, pushing, yanking, ticking, teasing… Oh, teeth. Nice. Bobbing, bobbing, bobbing, bobbing…fasterfasterfaster… OH GOD. Spit. Admit it. You just copied this from Rex Reed’s review of the first Superman movie. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/review-a-film-youve-never-seen/293343.md?page=2)