# "Reward" sex? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 14, 2010, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690 "2010-07-14T18:27:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/41 "2010-07-14T21:42:37Z")
> [@Polerius](#): > > What if we turned the tables? > > Ladies: What if your guy doesn’t particularly enjoy giving oral sex and may be a bit squicked by it. So, it isn’t part of your normal repertoire. Then, one day, you do something nice for him and he says he wants to reward you by going down on you. > > Would you accept it/enjoy it? > ETA: As a guy, I find the situation mentioned in the OP weird and would not enjoy such a “reward”. Absolutely not. I’d feel pretty disgusting if I thought he was doing something he genuinely didn’t like. Having sex if he thinks I’m in the mood and he’s kind of not? No that big of a deal, I’ve done it when I’m feeling just eh and he’s horny. But flat out getting something I know he hates? Not a chance. ---
**Author:** ![Silver\_Fire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e4f/32.png) [@Silver\_Fire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silver_Fire)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/42 "2010-07-14T21:42:46Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > If getting a blowjob (or any other sex) is such a rare thing that it becomes a reward, then there’s something wrong with the relationship. That was my first thought, too, that the people who were suggesting it (men, mostly?) don’t get it regularly enough so that’s what they would want. Like when I was a kid and I got to DRINK SODA, OMG on movie night, or whatever. It was a treat because I never got it otherwise. That’s a sad thought. At the same time, I understand that sexual desire can be affected by overall attitude in a relationship. I’ve been in relationships before where, if we’re fighting, the last thing on my mind is sex or kissing or even looking at him, for that matter, and it was never something I did intentionally. I wasn’t “withholding” because we were fighting, I just plain did not want anything to do with him, so I can definitely see how the reverse could be true. But it should be a natural consequence of his actions, I think, rather than “A bunch of people on the internet suggested this since you’ve been so good lately.” I am outright opposed to the idea of anybody doing anything that they wouldn’t normally do and do not enjoy as part of “reward sex”, though. My sister has told me she does/has done that and it’s the grossest thing I’ve ever heard of. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/43 "2010-07-14T21:46:36Z")
> [@Runs\_With\_Scissors](#): > > I think I might have been reading too much into the replies from the other thread…but… > > The replies here have shown me that **most people see a difference between keeping a running tally (ick) and thinking, "Hey, that was awesome; I’m going to turn the amp up to 11**." > > As for the pizza analogy…are we talking about the same thing? 😛 (bolding mine) This, this, a thousand times this. It’s not a friggin’ _commodity_ (at least, not in our relationship) but simply one more way to express appreciation, affection, love. So, no, I’ve never in my life had a problem with reward sex or even bribery sex _as long as the couple has an otherwise mutually satisfying sex life._ ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/44 "2010-07-14T21:59:09Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > To me, if I enjoy it and want to do it, it’s not a “reward” that I’m giving. Sex isn’t something that I own that I’m giving out. > > And if I don’t enjoy it and don’t want to do it, it’s gross. I’m not a vessel or a doll. To my mind, it isn’t a question of either/or. “Reward sex” isn’t (in my experience at least) a matter of doing something you find gross or unenjoyable; it is a really a question of making an occasion. Like my wife giving me a coupon for ‘one free bj’. It isn’t that she, literally, thinks of bjs as a _commodity_, like I could sell the coupon down at the bar, or that she dislikes doing them normally (or that normally without the coupon I’d pay for them 😃 ); it is simply a silly and fun way of being a bit naughty and expressing appreciation. In short, don’t necessarily take the ‘reward’ bit too literally or seriously. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/45 "2010-07-14T22:01:43Z")
> [@FoieGrasIsEvil](#): > > Yeah. I believe her. We used to be really sexually active together (yes, even _after_ we were married!) and somehow the urges for her just dried up and she just can’t seem to stand the thought of the act anymore. > > She must get some hormonal spike around menstruation time because the times we do have intercourse its always right before her period. Out of pure nosiness, what kind of birth control are you using? That’s what happened to me–got a Mirena, quit having periods, quit having period-related psychotic mood swings, quit finding sex even remotely appealing. It tapered off after a few years, but they were some pretty sucky-ass years. ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/46 "2010-07-14T23:29:24Z")
It’s not a reward, it’s a duty. I even found it in the Bible. ---
**Author:** ![MaddyStrut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/dbc845/32.png) [@MaddyStrut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MaddyStrut)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2010, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/47 "2010-07-15T00:03:35Z")
> [@Polerius](#): > > What if we turned the tables? > > Ladies: What if your guy doesn’t particularly enjoy giving oral sex and may be a bit squicked by it. So, it isn’t part of your normal repertoire. Then, one day, you do something nice for him and he says he wants to reward you by going down on you. > > Would you accept it/enjoy it? > ETA: As a guy, I find the situation mentioned in the OP weird and would not enjoy such a “reward”. If he’s squicked out by it? Then no. I don’t enjoy having my partner squicked out by me or anything he’s doing with me. However, there have been times when I’ve been so thrilled by him and he’s made me so happy that I want to make him happy in return. And that may mean sex that’s all about him and making him happy (that usually involves oral). I’m not squicked out by it normally, so there’s none of that. Nor is it playing any games. I just want to make him happy. I don’t see how that can be wrong. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2010, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/48 "2010-07-15T00:30:58Z")
> [@Malthus](#): > > To my mind, it isn’t a question of either/or. “Reward sex” isn’t (in my experience at least) a matter of doing something you find gross or unenjoyable; it is a really a question of making an occasion. > > Like my wife giving me a coupon for ‘one free bj’. It isn’t that she, literally, thinks of bjs as a _commodity_, like I could sell the coupon down at the bar, or that she dislikes doing them normally (or that normally without the coupon I’d pay for them 😃 ); it is simply a silly and fun way of being a bit naughty and expressing appreciation. > > In short, don’t necessarily take the ‘reward’ bit too literally or seriously. I don’t have any objection at all to making an occasion, or planning on something that maybe there isn’t time for, or doing something that can be more difficult because it involves a trapeze or those extra-special yoga stretches. So it really is just the idea of a reward, in a non-jokey way. Jokey rewards? Perfectly fine. Just talking naughty? Fun and fine. Role-playing, special events, shark tanks? Whatever floats the boat. Just never “I owe you big so here is my body. You wouldn’t get it otherwise.” ---
**Author:** ![marshmallow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@marshmallow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/marshmallow)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2010, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/49 "2010-07-15T00:56:55Z")
It’s probably not the route to the most healthy of relationships, but I think if the woman has a low libido it could lead to a more honest relationship. It’s intuitively understood by the average person that sex is something women possess which men desire and are willing to trade stuff for, so this would just bring that out in the open without pretending otherwise. No biggie. Maybe a plus if the guy is into being a sub. As an aside, this highlights some big differences between the sexes. A man can fuck someone he’s angry with, even someone he hates. Most women can’t. So a lot of the time a woman isn’t really withholding sex on a conscious level – she’d just find the idea of having sex with someone she’s really mad at disgusting. Also, of course, the big libido differences. Using sex as a weapon is one of the strongest tools a woman can wield in a monogamous relationship. If they both had similar libidos it would be mutually assured destruction, but of course that’s usually not true at all. Otherwise you’d see men able to pull this off in equal numbers with equal effectiveness. ---
**Author:** ![Q.N.Jones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/3da27b/32.png) [@Q.N.Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.N.Jones)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2010, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/50 "2010-07-15T01:36:49Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > I feel like people like Q.N. Jones are not listening to the meaning behind it and just going “Sex as a commodity? OH NOES!!11!!” I am not saying that to be snarky or pick on them but just to say, very little is as clear-cut as people think. And I feel like _you_ are reading way more into what I said than was actually there. If **olives** felt spontaneously like having sex with her husband out of appreciation and affection, she would do it. And that’s natural and loving. But there is something creepy about her coming onto a message board to ask for ideas, and for a bunch of people to start harassing her to give him a BJ already. Implying that she _owes_ him oral sex. And flat-out telling her that there is no other way to express appreciation to a man than to give him some form of sex. > [@Rigamarole](#): > > If sex isn’t a commodity, then millions of prostitutes are going to be awfully disappointed to learn that they’re out of work. Sex can be a commodity. It doesn’t have to be. And it shouldn’t be treated as a commodity in a loving relationship, IMHO. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2010, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/51 "2010-07-15T02:02:31Z")
I love reward sex! My sex drive is a lot higher then my partners, so my favorite reward sex is an ‘all day’ pass. ---
**Author:** ![Serenata67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/serenata67/32/10646_2.png) [@Serenata67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Serenata67)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2010, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/52 "2010-07-15T02:46:30Z")
> [@Giraffe](#): > > While I agree with the OP that sex should not be viewed as a commodity or reward in a healthy relationship, I still think there is room for sexual perks to be exchanged as a way of showing love or appreciation above and beyond one’s normal relationship sex life. I think the key difference is the mindset: there’s a world of difference between “you covering all the chores for me made me feel really happy and loved, thus inspiring me to do [whatever gross act husband likes]” versus “you put away the dishes? Good boy, now here’s your blow job.” That’s how I see it. It’s not a reward, _per se_. However, when he does nice things or helps out extra special, I’m not as stressed. I’m not spending my time doing those things. So I have some extra time, I’m feeling relaxed, I’m in a good mood… those things tend to lead to sex. It’s not a cause and effect kind of thing, but it happens that way sometimes. ---
**Author:** ![Yookeroo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yookeroo/32/323_2.png) [@Yookeroo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yookeroo)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2010, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/53 "2010-07-15T03:21:57Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > To me, if I enjoy it and want to do it, it’s not a “reward” that I’m giving. Why not? > [@Polerius](#): > > But it _is_ different: You are doing the cooking (the work) and he is doing the eating (the pleasurable part) > > During “reward sex” you are both having sex, which ideally, should be pleasurable to both of you. How is that a reward? > > It’s like there is a good movie coming out that you both like, and as a “reward” for him being nice, you propose to go see the movie together. How is that a reward? How isn’t it? What difference does it make whether the rewarder enjoys the reward or not? What makes it a reward is that the rewardee is getting something he or she otherwise wouldn’t get. And if the rewarder finds it enjoyable, everyone wins. ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2010, 5:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/54 "2010-07-15T05:18:18Z")
> [@Q.N.Jones](#): > > And I feel like _you_ are reading way more into what I said than was actually there. > > If **olives** felt spontaneously like having sex with her husband out of appreciation and affection, she would do it. And that’s natural and loving. But there is something creepy about her coming onto a message board to ask for ideas, and for a bunch of people to start harassing her to give him a BJ already. Implying that she _owes_ him oral sex. And flat-out telling her that there is no other way to express appreciation to a man than to give him some form of sex. I haven’t read the whole thread linked, but can you show me a quote from someone saying this, that there is _no other way_ to express appreciation to a man than to give him some form of sex? There are plenty of people who have suggested sex and didn’t suggest anything else but this isn’t equivalent to believing that it’s the only way. Saying “you can do A” is not the same thing as saying “you can only do A”. I’ve read several posts over there and no one said it was the only way. Perhaps a more recent post made that affirmation. No one implied that she owed him sex. Olives felt like she owed him and people suggested that one way to thank him is oral sex. If people felt like she owed him oral sex, they would say that she had to give him oral sex. Again, saying “you can do A” isn’t the same as saying “you have to do A”. No one said she had to, explicitely or implicitely, at least last I read that thread. I hope no court adopts your threshold for harassment. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2010, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/55 "2010-07-15T13:37:19Z")
I actually agree that there is something ever so slightly creepy about the fact that she is coming onto the board to ask for ideas. And that we should know that their sex life is normally…less than adequate. I know, it’s between them, but it’s one thing for people to know your sex life is happy and another for them to know it’s been X amount of time since you’ve had sex. However, I must say that olives’ relationship and mine are very different and it’s not right to compare reward sex in the two of them. Really, I think it was Shagnasty? Shakes? who said it. Relationships look different on the outside than on the inside. I also don’t see any harassment in that thread. Just a frank admission, that what lots of guys like is a BJ. . ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2010, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/56 "2010-07-15T13:40:37Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > I don’t have any objection at all to making an occasion, or planning on something that maybe there isn’t time for, or doing something that can be more difficult because it involves a trapeze or those extra-special yoga stretches. > > So it really is just the idea of a reward, in a non-jokey way. Jokey rewards? Perfectly fine. Just talking naughty? Fun and fine. Role-playing, special events, shark tanks? Whatever floats the boat. > > Just never “I owe you big so here is my body. You wouldn’t get it otherwise.” Well, certainly context is important. Here, the context is someone asking for a way to express appreciation and affection to their SO. It isn’t exactly an absurd assumption to make that he’d get her body “otherwise”. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![black\_rabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f19dbf/32.png) [@black\_rabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/black_rabbit)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2010, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/57 "2010-07-15T13:47:28Z")
> [@Q.N.Jones](#): > > But there is something creepy about her coming onto a message board to ask for ideas, and for a bunch of people to start harassing her to give him a BJ already. Implying that she _owes_ him oral sex. And flat-out telling her that there is no other way to express appreciation to a man than to give him some form of sex. Who the hell did that? I don’t see where anybody _ordered_ her to do it. **olives** asked the men of the board what makes us feel appreciated. She could get him flowers, and give him a footrub, and light some scented candles, and make him his favorite meal, and give him a bath bomb, and send him some artfully arranged fruit, and give him tickets to a ball game, and an ice cream sundae, and whatever. But why bother going through all of that when ten minutes spent spontaneously and enthusiastically going down will probably (if he’s like most dudes) make him just as happy, if not happier? ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2010, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/58 "2010-07-15T14:07:47Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > I actually agree that there is something ever so slightly creepy about the fact that she is coming onto the board to ask for ideas. And that we should know that their sex life is normally…less than adequate. I know, it’s between them, but it’s one thing for people to know your sex life is happy and another for them to know it’s been X amount of time since you’ve had sex. I think it’s ever so slightly creepy that people keep implying I ever was asking about ‘‘rewarding’’ my husband for good behavior when I really was just asking guys what makes them feel appreciated so that I could think about ways to show my husband appreciation that I have not considered before. People who want to twist it into more than that are not my problem. As for my sex life, I didn’t mention any personal issues until **Malancandra** politely brought it up, at which point I told him reassuringly that things were better than ever, which is hardly explicit or endorsing the position that sex is something you can ‘‘give’’ to someone as a reward. His knowledge that we had issues stemmed from a thread several weeks back in which my posting about it was completely appropriate within context. I appreciate the great pains that the OP and others have taken in this thread to make it clear that I never had anything to do with the association of sex with reward. I would invite anyone who fails to realize this to reread the thread. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2010, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/59 "2010-07-15T14:18:25Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > I think it’s ever so slightly creepy that people keep implying I ever was asking about ‘‘rewarding’’ my husband for good behavior when I really was just asking guys what makes them feel appreciated so that I could think about ways to show my husband appreciation that I have not considered before. People who want to twist it into more than that are not my problem. > > As for my sex life, I didn’t mention any personal issues until **Malancandra** politely brought it up, at which point I told him reassuringly that things were better than ever, which is hardly explicit or endorsing the position that sex is something you can ‘‘give’’ to someone as a reward. His knowledge that we had issues stemmed from a thread several weeks back in which my posting about it was completely appropriate within context. > > I appreciate the great pains that the OP and others have taken in this thread to make it clear that I never had anything to do with the association of sex with reward. I would invite anyone who fails to realize this to reread the thread. My apologies. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2010, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/60 "2010-07-15T14:26:11Z")
I don’t think sex should be used as a reward or a punishment; I’m OK with it being used as a gift, though. Quite a few of my HS friends ended up giving their first BJ to their men as part of an anniversary gift, but it wasn’t a reward or something the women did despite not wanting to or some such, it was a step ahead in the sexual aspect of their relationship which these women wanted to take and then chose a specific time to do it. Also, treating nookie as something to be doled out isn’t good, but if there was something my man liked me to do, which I didn’t particularly like to do, but which at the same time wasn’t horrible to do (and this can be anything from wearing some bra which is uncomfortable but he really, really, really likes it to going to a football match), doing it for him _is_ a good thing. Not in exchange for having done something (you take out the trash for a month, I’ll wear the playbunny outfit) but because I want him to be happy and it’s something that makes him happy. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690.md?page=4)